The Thought Thread

[r_cho]

I cant start the sentence it seems, I have rewritten, reworded it for about 2 hours, so Im just gonna skip the intro. There its done!

Now Im lost, confused and filled with hate and regret. Heres why;

Lost - Ever since I got caught and head that dreaded conversation with my mother (shes the one who found me about 4 month ago, I posted when it happened), I keep rerunning the questions she asked in my head and I'm filled with resentment that I got caught and got so sloppy to get into that conversation. She asked me;

• "did someone touch you?" - This really annoyed me, I was so flung with emotion at the time I got caught I just broke down, keep in mind im 20 and a guy. No-One has ever touched me and I always thank life for never being in that situation, by why does it bother me so badly?
• "Does it have anything to do with kids, because...." I think it was at that moment I broke down. This is my mother asking me if I have a sexual attraction to children, because I wore, why do people make that link? It felt like the trust I had built up and respect from my own mother was for nothing, Im not like that but I feel less than shit, even right now.
• "Do you wanna go see someone?" I told her I would Im willing and then a few days later when the air cleared, she was like "I dont think you need to see someone", but I could see in her eyes the same look when she painstakingly interregated me about it, it wasnt as if she asked me harshly it was the way you talk to a five year old. I do need help though, I need to talk to someone, but I dont know where to start.

Confused - I enjoy wearing, I enjoy the feeling, but afterwords like alot of you said you feel, you just feel stupid and guility. I go through phases where I get some then dont for months then that feeling kicks in and I really want to get some more, but I cant get caught again. I've been caught twice already, the second time I just didnt care. Im not proud of this at all, at first I thought it was ignorence to not allow for people to express themselves and I would like to consider my self an intelligent person but this is wrong, I'm not comfortable after, Im torn up.

Hate - I hate the fact every day I cant get some without being secretive, I cant do it in peace without the thoughts going through my head of being caught, I hate the feeling but really love it to. I hate myself for feeling this way and everyday I just feel so angry. I laugh with friends and at work but deep down I feel as black as the dark recesses of space.

Regret - I regret everything I've said or done to upset anyone and for all the stupid things I've done. I regret the fact I cant get up in the morning and look in the mirror and think to myself, your doing right, march onwards.

The Answer and Conclusion to all this

There isn't. I dont think I can ever change the way I feel or my attidude, I can only vent my thoughts and theres not many places to say this type thing, but I need help, I dont know where to start. I certainly dont feel like going into a doctors office and saying "Hey! I would like some psycharitic help please...Ok take a ticket? Right!"

I just don't know.

[jenniebear]

Dear r_cho,

You've written a very "heavy" post. I wish I had magic words to say to you...ones that would make the way clearer. I've not got answers though, I can only tell you what's helped in my life.

I can relate very much to the things you've written, the type of angst and frustration you're feeling were quite frequently my own. Of course I had my own twists too, it but for most of us who began as DL's for purely a fetish sake, are sure to have experienced a lot of the same.

One thing that has helped me through many of my biggest mistakes is something i decided when i was about 14 or 15 years old. I made a big mistake one night...looking back, if i had been an adult judging, i'd have not held my 14 year old self responsible, but at the time, i was a mature girl, and quite sure that one should always take responsibility for ones own actions. After the event, which was btw of a sexual nature, involved drugs, alcohol, and a 21 year old guy, and who was the best friend of my at the time boyfriend, i woke up the next morning to a wave of guilt and shame that i'd never experienced before. i'd hurt someone i'd cared about, my friends who cared about me were concerned, and i'd stayed out until 3 am leaving my mother who was alone to worry and fear for my safety.

Anyway...it was at that moment of shame and resignation that i told myself, life is going to bring many times where i will be required to make decisions. Some will be wise, others not so wise. Each decision though will be my responsibility to make, and no matter how or why the result is what it is...i will NOT have regrets. I look at each opportunity to make a decision as a chance to choose correctly, so with each chance i weigh the outcome and choose which one i can best live with.

So that all said. i decided early on, being a DL definitely has it's drawbacks, however, i do not want to live without the pleasure or fullfillment it brings to me, it does not hurt anyone else, as far as "kinks" go it's pretty mild, and it can be kept private. So i don't question the reasons or drawbacks anymore. There have been times in my life when i've still felt the "shame" but never regret. The funny thing is too, the older i got, the more i allowed myself to "play with diaper wearing" the less the shame seemed to visit me.

It's all about perspective and balance i think.

Right now you have to figure out how to deal with your mom knowing. It's not something i've faced, but if i had, i know i'd put the "no regrets" swing on it......and then i'd look for a way to make it a positive.

And I'm not a Mom but the questions your mom asked i don't think reflect how she "doubts" you as person. Rather she was confronted with something one doesn't consider as a parent (their child's fetish/kinks), i'm sure she felt shock and confusion.

-Now she probably has to question herself "why?" just like we ourselves ask this very question.

-She wonders if she's done something to cause you to desire this, she doesn't understand that it doesn't have to be a "terrible" thing in your life.

-She's confused and worried and i'm sure concerned for you. She is so tied to you, that she is only going through the same questions and thoughts one goes through themselves over something like this.

-And yes, society does jump to the "does it involve kids" question, honestly r_cho, i have even questioned myself, no it doesn't involve kids for me, but i have questioned myself on why walking down the "baby isle" at Target is a turn on and is it ok to feel that? I've also met a few ab/dl's online who when it came to this topic, have made me uneasy, my mind also jumps to that conclusion even though it might not be warrented, one just sometimes can't help be suspicious.......diapers, and the ab thing just lead one to question that.

Please don't be hurt by your mom asking about "involving children", it is her ignorance of the topic and was a "brain stem" repsonse, she wasn't thinking clearly or rationally at the time i'm sure.

I don't know if i've helped any, and the only suggestion i have it to think hard about how this situation can be turned into a positive, both with your mom and with your life. You know your mom, maybe you can show her something online, "Bittergrays Den" is often recommended, maybe you can show her your post, it's well thought out and heartfelt. Whatever you decide though, take your time, and think hard about how you will allow this to affect you.

Best wishes,

a friend,

jennie

[SWet]

Jenniebear – you have so many wonderful thoughts and helpful ideas I hope r_cho can find some comfort in your words.

Dear r_cho,

I would just like to add my support, hope and some thoughts.

I do need help though, I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know where to start.

I think you have started by expressing your problems and feelings here. Just by putting your thoughts into words you have started to organize your thinking, otherwise your thoughts are like diapers in the dryer – they just keep tumbling around.

You seem to be experiencing the acquire and purge cycles, which many DL go through. In your post I notice that you never used the word “diaper” only “some”. “I enjoy wearing, I enjoy the feeling” – “I hate myself for feeling this way” – yes, there is tremendous conflict in youth to conform to the current standards of society and wearing diapers without physical need doesn’t fit your perception of societal norms.

My opinion: Does wearing diapers harm you or others? It seems to have affected your relationship with your parents in a negative way. Maybe you could work on a more though explanation to your mother, but then you need to know your own thoughts. You clearly don’t want to hurt others and feel the disappointment of your mother. I had some of these same things happen when I was very young and yes, it didn’t go so well either, but you get past it and continue your life. This is the perspective of an old guy. Diapers are only part of your life, get out and live, do things, enjoy life. Go for a hike, in diapers if you want, just enjoy the real world.

“I don’t think I can ever change the way I feel or my attitude”

After 55 years I kind of accepted that this wouldn’t change for me either (well, duh!). I guess you would have to want things to change. You enjoy diapers so much, maybe accepting that would help.

“ but deep down I feel as black as the dark recesses of space”

Your love of diapers is causing you so much anguish one can feel the pain in your writing.

Personally I’d turn off the computer, take a walk, think about things, and try to put things in perspective. For me, I would ride a motorcycle for hours to help put my world in order, with gas and CO2 issues, maybe it’s better to walk. Remember, you are not alone. There are others that share your love of diapers for whatever reason. You are not the only one.

I most sincerely wish you the best,

SWet

[Guest]

r_cho.

Many of us have the capacity to understand what you are going through. I'm sure others are going through it also. As for me, nobody knows about the fact that im into diapers and being I can relate to the pain of being forced into secrecy and to deny who you really are. Oftentimes, i wish i could tell someone, and i have given subtle hints to my best friend but have not had the courage to tell him, out of fear of deteriorating our relationship. Unfortunately, only you can address and confront the true reasons and circumstances of your emotions regarding your desires. However, i hope that you will be interested in considering the possibilities that i will lay out in my post. We all have many questions regarding life, sexuality, and humanity which people devote their entire lives to addressing. However, i believe that we all have to reflect (as individuals) on the various truths of our own lives in order to find a satisfactory answer.

Feeling of lostness:

It is my belief that as human beings (and more generally, mentally advanced social creatures), the vast majority of us seek acceptance from the greater community. The reason most of us hide our desire/fetish/hobby, is to create the illusion of (what i like to think of as) 'social-normality'... The concept of social-normality is to conform to the default public image, to which we are conditioned from an early age to adhere. I, also, stake the claim that true-normality is a non-existent and socially-fabricated standard which is a complete lie created to illustrate a tangible model for the 'perfect' human being within our society (which also does not exist).

I would also argue that because we are told, throughout our entire lives, to become "normal" and "perfect" human beings, we feel an overwhelming sense of [failure/wrongdoing/sin/etc.] when someone 'catches on' to our true identity. Furthermore, because we have been trained and conditioned to be 'normal', we feel as if we have done something wrong, blameworthy, immoral, etc... In a world where the vast majority of children are wrongly prescribed ADD medications (and equivalents), diversity and individuality are sometimes viewed as a high crime towards society. In my opinion that is the sad and unfortunate truth.

I don't mean to pick apart at your expression, but I have found a coincidental admission to my "social-normality" rant in your own writing. I find it interesting that you said, "I was so flung with emotion at the time I got caught I just broke down, keep in mind im 20 and a guy.". The reason being is that you seem to feel that as a guy it is abnormal to get emotional and you obviously feel guilty or ashamed of breaking down and possibly crying. I too, am a 20-year-old adult guy, and i understand the mental conditioning that we, as male-figures, go through in order to be taught that we are not supposed to convey (or possibly possess) natural human emotions. The fact that you felt it necessary to rationalize your emotional 'break-down' is another sign of society's strong pull on your psyche. I would propose the reason that you feel guilty for wearing diapers or even for expressing emotions is not because those acts are in any way wrong, but more so due to the fact that you feel that in doing them - you are straying from the social-norm, and therefor committing some sort of wrongdoing (to relate to my first statement).

In order to ever accept yourself, you must realize that straying from the imaginary social-norm is not an act of injustice against anyone. The only one you are hurting by feeling wrong or guilty for wearing diapers or for breaking down is yourself. Keep in mind that you have been mentally conditioned (captivated/enslaved) by the preconceived standard of normality within our society, and that it will not be easy for you to accept that no human being can ever be "perfect", in the eyes of our greater society. The reason you feel an emotional tearing inside you when you wear and when you get caught is because you have been trained to think a certain way... I would also propose that, your mother, has also been conditioned throughout her lifetime to be more socially "normal" or "acceptable". Because of this, she probably also feels confused and uncertain about what she/you should do.

Feelings of Confusion:

We can ALL relate to this, my friend. I won't go into to much depth on this emotion because i believe that it also stems from your desire to be "socially-normal". I find it interesting, however, that you would say that, "at first I thought it was ignorance to not allow for people to express themselves and I would like to consider my self an intelligent person but this is wrong, I'm not comfortable after, Im torn up"... It is indeed ignorance to deny people the personal right of self-expression and individuality. Having intellect has absolutely nothing to do with your feelings of discomfort and discontent. As a matter of fact, it is a common belief that the most intelligent and brilliant minds are also abnormal and eccentric. If you do a little research on the correlation between eccentricity and genius, you might be profoundly shocked to some of the habits of history's greatest geniuses. I would like to restate my opinion that your discomfort and feeling of self-worthlessness stem entirely from societies conditioning of you to assume the role of a "normal/perfect" human being, which is ridiculous and impossible. Please think about that, i believe that in your heart you will know that no human can be the model for social normality and perfection. As a matter of fact, i believe that some day you will be proud of your personality and your individuality, and i hope that you can find self-acceptance for your fetish/desires/eccentricities. =)

Feeling of Hatred:

Once again, this is another feeling that you have developed as a result of your society telling you to feel guilty for being a unique individual. The truth is that you feel like you are somehow lying (via omission) to all your friend and family because you have kept you fetish a secret. However, they have no business knowing your personal sexual/pleasureful desires. Would you walk in on your parents and ask them what sexual habits/positions they have/use, of course not. Their is absolutely nothing wrong with hiding your preferences from the general public, if you feel inclined to do so. The feeling of emptiness and displeasure when you are with your friends might be stemming from an internal desire for them to know. In a way, you want them to know. You want them to know about your preference and to accept it, but you are afraid of rejection and social exile. I am the same as you, especially on this aspect. When your mom asked you all those things you felt sick with negative feelings because you realized that she knew who you really, truly were, but at the same time she misunderstood it. In this aspect it might be a good idea for you to talk to a psychiatrist because they are obligated to try to understand and to keep it a complete secret. When you get this off your chest and are able to talk about it, you will feel much more confident in your purity and innocence of character. I hope some day to get the guts to tell my best friend, but until then, i will have to find comfort talking to others through the veil of anonymity on the internet. =P

Feelings of regret:

This, i think, is a summary of your entire condition. A compilation of all these past feelings i have described. Most of us want to be socially normal. We never will. The bar of normality is set too high for a human being to achieve. Society wants us to be "perfect". and to be cookie-cutter human beings with no ideals other than the ones laid out in the unwritten rules of our culture. The vast majority of people will have a struggle with their identity sometime in their lives. Maybe more than once. I believe that you are having one right now.

It is obvious to me that you are afraid of being different, as many people are. You are afraid to wear diapers and embrace your sexual desires, because people will think you are a sicko or a pervert. You are afraid of being emotional or crying in public because people with think it is weak or non-manly. You are afraid of asking for psychiatric help because people will think you are crazy or have some sort of mental problems. You are so completely afraid of doing anything that society frowns upon that you are trying to pretend you are something that you are not, and that no human is. In the end, the only person you are hurting is yourself. You lie to yourself, and you make yourself feel guilty because you are doing something that isn't openly accepted by our society.

Don't mistake this as a lecture, because im not trying to say you are doing something wrong. But i believe your fears and your unwillingness to free your mind from the enslaving concept of "social-normality" are truly hurting you. You cant look in the mirror and say what you are doing is right? Well, what is a mirror? A mirror is an emulation of how other people view you. You are so caught up on how people view you that you are tearing yourself to shreds. Its ok to hide who you really are from others, but you have to accept yourself and be honest, or you will eat away at your own mind. I am like you. I have only bought diapers one time, and i felt to ashamed when i got to the register, i felt sick. I wrote all about it in my introduction (http://www.dailydiapers.com/board/index.php?showtopic=9332), where i addressed my own discomforts and uncertainty. Me being afraid to buy diapers was a result of me worrying about my own image of "social normality" and i will have to face it again and again every time i buy more, until i can be a strong enough person to not care about what other people think. However, if you are doing something personal in your own room and it isn't hurting anybody than why should it concern society at all? Be comfortable with yourself, be proud of yourself. A great songwriter, Bob Marley, once said "emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, only ourselves can free our minds." Well, society has a hold on all of us, and we must all free ourselves from the locks and chains that bind our true, individual characters.

Take the first step and ask yourself about it. Think about what people have written to you and about what YOU truly believe. As i said in the beginning, the real answers are inside you already, and you know in your heart what you have to do. I hope that my rants have giving you the 3rd-party insight to ask yourself the tough questions about your own identity. I still have to ask myself many questions too. But with each step, we get closer and closer to freedom, happiness, and personal acceptance.

Good Luck my friend. Be strong.