Autism and not wanting to leave diapers behind

[Fleetwoodmac32192]

I try my best to act "normal" but I feel like I need to vent. As I have mentioned in other posts, I can usually make it and use the toilet well. I believe it's connected to my autism experience, But deep down I find going to the toilet to feel annoying, it's hard for me to recognize when it's the right time to go to the toilet until I feel like I have felt full for a little while. I have tried setting a schedule to go, and I drink plenty of water but sometimes I have to stay at the toilet for a few minutes with toilet paper just to make sure I don't leave any drops on my underwear or pants. I find sensory comfort in wearing pull ups, even though I am able to use the toilet, it feels nice to let go and not have to stop what I'm doing. I try my best to change when I need to, So I can avoid getting a UTI. 

Recently I have been very happy with the relationship I have with a good friend, one that comforted me when I was close to having a bowel accident in public on a bad day a few years ago. They have been encouraging me to try and be the best version of myself that I can be and I feel really grateful that they have helped me out, including these past few months. Lately I have found comfort in trying to go to the toilet around the same time they tell me they need to go. I realize I don't really have a need to wear them, and I would be okay since I only wear once in awhile and not consistently. Even though I have been doing a good job lately, I still feel sad at the thought of not wearing them at all anymore. But I realize it only make it awkward for the people around me if they notice anything. I feel embarrassed that I've had these feelings since I was 4, I had bad constipation with accidents as a kid up until my teens and I think it traumatized me to have an attachment to wanting diapers. I feel like I want to cry, I spent a long time trying to ignore the desire for diapers and now that I have accepted it I thought I would be at peace. I want to support my partner and do better for myself. I know my partner can help me move past this toilet anxiety, but I need to be able to manage it when they aren't available. I want to get a good job so I can better support both of us, but I can't keep playing this guessing game of when it's the right time to go to the toilet. 

I would appreciate any advice.

[feralfreak]

from one autistic to another, if it helps you, if it makes you feel better, and if you can afford to, go ahead and wear it, your ass is no ones business but your own, otherwise see a therapist, there might be an underlying cause that you dont see.

[Spanky]

I would second seeing a therapist. 

We have a nephew who is autistic and was real late in potty training.  

But, once he decided to use the potty,  it was like a light switch,  he was potty trained.  No accidents.   It's amazing, to me.

Maybe a therapist or some medical professional can help you figure things out.   There are so many levels,  or degrees of autism,  I have no idea what to suggest to help you out.   

If you were late to potty train, maybe that lead to your like of diapers.   Having accidents into your teens may have lead to a feeling of security with diapers. 

Maybe you're just like everyone else here and there's really no explanation for why we like diapers. We just do.

I don't think that you can just ignore the desire for diapers.   There was an episode on Dr. Phil about ABDL and he said that it's really hard to get rid of these desires.