Allen

[urson]

Hi! My name is Allen. Before I start my story, let me give you a little background on my life. I’m 10 years old, I live in a small town (no, I’m not gonna tell you where, sheesh, think I’m stupid?). I like school, computer games, hanging with my friends, sci-fi movies and books. I’ve also always wanted to be a baby again. Yea, I know how that sounds. I can’t explain it but, the thought of sitting in a play pen, wearing a diaper and sucking on a pacifier, makes me feel safe and happy. Don’t ask me why cause, I already told ya I can’t explain it. I’ve just been this way since as far back as I can remember. My parents told me, I was a terror to potty train and I was almost 5 years old when they finally got me to give up diapers (for a short while). I must have been like 6 ½ (it’s hard to remember) when I felt the desire to be a baby again. I don’t have any brothers or sisters so, I couldn’t steal diapers from them. My friends however, they had younger brothers and sisters, some of them still in diapers so, the first time I could, I swiped one and hid it in my room, under my dresser. This caused a problem though. The diaper began to stink after a couple of days and since I was not a bed-wetter, my parents knew something was up. My mom found my the diaper and questioned me on it. Being a little kid, my lying skills weren’t that good and eventually, she got the truth out of me.

That night, she “discussed” the day’s events with my dad. The spanking I got from my dad left me with a sore butt and a dire warning. I was told that if they found another diaper, dry, wet or, God forbid, messy, I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month. When my dad delivered the warning, I was so scared that I actually wet myself. I was terrified because I had another diaper in my room, hidden in a better spot. I crawled into a corner and began to cry, wetting my pants while I huddled in the corner. My parents were so shocked by this that they tried to calm me down but, I was too scared. Before this, neither my mom or dad had ever spanked me and, the one my dad had just delivered really hurt. I was terrified of how bad a worse spanking would be. No matter what they tried, I just sat in the corner and howled like a wounded dog. I don’t know how much time passed but eventually, I wore myself out.

My dreams were horrible. I had nightmares before but, nothing like that night. I saw myself, bent over my dad’s lap and a board with nails being used to spank me while my mom and dad told me how bad I was for wanting to wear a diaper. I woke up in my bed and immediately realized that I was wearing a diaper. I heard something move in the shadows and saw a figure stand up and walk towards me. When the figure moved into the light of my nightlight, I saw it was my mother! My little kid brain put two and two together and I threw myself backwards, away from my mom, crying about how I didn’t put the diaper on. Terror filled my heart as my mom walked over and sat down on the bed. She lifted me up and pulled me into her arms. I was still shaking and crying as she held me to her chest and began to rub my back. Suddenly, I could hear that SHE was crying and that made me sad. I still loved my parents but, I was afraid that they didn’t love me anymore because I wanted to be a baby again. I hugged her and between sobs, told her not to cry. She hugged me tighter and told me she and dad were sorry for scaring me.

My emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t control them. Anxiety, Fear, Sadness, Love, it was overwhelming and my little kid body just kinda, couldn’t cope. I peed myself right there, in mom’s arms. A new wave of fear ran through me but, my mom didn’t move. She just kept hugging me and told me that she and dad were sorry. I don’t think she even noticed that I’d wet myself. We were both emotionally exhausted and fell asleep in my bed. Mom was up before me and, wasn’t there when I woke up again. When I woke up, I was wearing another diaper and I noticed an open pack of disposables on the floor, next to my bed. I didn’t know what to do. The nightmares of the night before had faded a little and while, I was still scared, it wasn’t as bad. I crept out of my room, trying to make as little noise as possible (my little kid brain forgetting about the crinkling of my diaper). I heard talking, coming from the living room, three voices so, crawled up to the edge of the living room. I stayed close to the wall and listened.

My mom and dad were talking to a lady that I couldn’t see but, her voice sounded really familiar. After a minute of listening but, not understanding most of what was being said, everything went quiet. My brain couldn’t put together why they had stopped talking. It was the crinkle of the diaper that gave me away and put a quick halt to their conversation. My dad called my name and I was scared. I started inching my way back towards my bedroom. He turned the corner and stood, right in front of me. My stomach dropped right there and again, I wet myself. I wanted to run but, my body wouldn’t work, I just froze. He picked me up and I could see that HE had been crying. This stunned me so much that I stopped being afraid. My mind tried to get a grip on the fact that my dad, the strongest man in the world (at least in my opinion at the time) and a Big Person, had been crying. It was too much for me, I was in shock. He pulled me up to his chest and hugged me like he’d never hugged me before, holding me there and begging my forgiveness. He carried me out to the living room and set me down on the couch, between him and mom. I didn’t see anyone else in the room and looked around, confused. Suddenly, a voice called my name. It came from the phone on the table (I saw it as the thing that we used to talk to my grandparents when we were far away). It was right then that, I recognized the voice. It was Mrs. Johansson, my nursery school teacher. Mrs. Johansson did her best to explain stuff but I was still a little overwhelmed. Mom told me that we were all going to Mrs. Johansson’s home to talk to her and that everything would be ok.

The next day, we went to Mrs. Johansson’s home/office (it turned out that she was a child psychologist and my parents called her after I had fallen asleep the second time). The conversation was a little over my head, at the time but, I was told that, I wasn’t a bad boy for wanting to be a baby again and that I Could be a baby sometimes but, not all the time. I was ok with that and I was really happy that my parents did love me and weren’t mad at me anymore.

My parents let me play baby, off and on for the next few years and eventually, though the need never really went away, I only needed to be little, every now and again. I still have the feelings and, they’ve been explained to me now so I understand them. I like feeling little once in a great while but I still wanna be a big kid most of the time. I’m just a regular kid that likes to be little sometimes and my parents accept it and that, is all that matters in the end.

[CDfm]

It’s a good thing that his parents were aware enough to seek the assistance of a professional. It’s also a good thing that the  nursery school teacher also happened to be a child psychologist and agreed that his being a baby every so often was a good thing. Good job with this. I would like to see if there were any lasting effects once he became an adult.