Pointless Mommy Rant

[Denube]

11 hours ago, mamabug said:

I completely understand that people wear and like diapers for different reasons. I do know that it's not always sexual for some people. I know some people use it for comfort. I know that there are people that have suffered abuse. I have too, but the abuse I suffered has nothing to do with my diaper fetish.

I think for alot of people, they look at those type of relationships like "what will I get out of this?" when people randomly ask me to be their mommy, I will ask them "what will I get out of it?" and they are completely stumped! It's like they never think of the other person. Just because I'm a mommy, doesn't mean I want to be a mommy 24/7, That's crazy. 

I also believe that if people have psychological reasons like that, THOSE need to be worked on BEFORE getting in a relationship, because even if you do find a woman who is okay with being a mommy, it could still cause problems. And I'm saying this from a perspective from someone who has some messed up issues (again not related to diapers lol)

I mean, I totally understand the concept of wanting a partner that is into your thing, regardless if it's for sexual pleasures or for comfort/need. It still doesn't change my point. Relationships aren't a one-way street. It's not always "How will this benefit myself" it's way more, in debt, and having an ABDL part at the very top, regardless if it's a big part of your life or not, for me, is rather unhealthy. 

And there's nothing wrong with that mentality. Diapers to me are somewhat sexual. I enjoy the humiliation of forced diaper use waaaaaay too much. That moment of desperation when I can't hold it any longer is just... both wanted and feared. The embarassment of not being allowed to tell someone I've wet my pants even wearing protection is too much of a turn on for me. It's a fantasy of mine to have someone check me, inform me I've used my diaper and drag me off to change me all without giving me the choice and making me feel absolutely awkward and helpless. Hell, if any of my stories are still here, they're just my fantasies role played in my head.

Ironically, the 'mommy' thing isn't sexual at all for me. It's just that in order to have a successful relationship, I would need a more emotionally mature partner. Easiest way for me to put it is I'm essentially a four year old emotionally because that's when I think the really bad abuse started. It's hard for me to maintain anything like composure in certain difficult situations because I start having massive emotional flashbacks that leave me fighting with the echos for a few days afterwards.

I mean, I essentially become a large and extremely smart toddler at that point. I'm moody, I need naps, and I let myself get carried away in whatever I'm doing in order to distract myself. And yeah, I get that relationships are a two-way street full of give and take. It's just that, ironically, in order for me to develop a healthier mental state, I need to be able to attach to someone in a very similar way to the way a child attaches to a parent because I never could attach to my parents because I was (and still am) mortally scared of them. Sorry if I sound a bit defensive, I'm a bit on the insecure side about quite a lot of this.

Edited April 21, 2018 by Denube

[:dlb]

well said mamabug.  Just because you are part of this interest doesn't automaticlly mean you gotta enjoy wearing.  You can get joy out of watching/helping others wear just as much.  We all different.

[mamabug]

On 4/21/2018 at 9:25 AM, Denube said:

And there's nothing wrong with that mentality. Diapers to me are somewhat sexual. I enjoy the humiliation of forced diaper use waaaaaay too much. That moment of desperation when I can't hold it any longer is just... both wanted and feared. The embarassment of not being allowed to tell someone I've wet my pants even wearing protection is too much of a turn on for me. It's a fantasy of mine to have someone check me, inform me I've used my diaper and drag me off to change me all without giving me the choice and making me feel absolutely awkward and helpless. Hell, if any of my stories are still here, they're just my fantasies role played in my head.

Ironically, the 'mommy' thing isn't sexual at all for me. It's just that in order to have a successful relationship, I would need a more emotionally mature partner. Easiest way for me to put it is I'm essentially a four year old emotionally because that's when I think the really bad abuse started. It's hard for me to maintain anything like composure in certain difficult situations because I start having massive emotional flashbacks that leave me fighting with the echos for a few days afterwards.

I mean, I essentially become a large and extremely smart toddler at that point. I'm moody, I need naps, and I let myself get carried away in whatever I'm doing in order to distract myself. And yeah, I get that relationships are a two-way street full of give and take. It's just that, ironically, in order for me to develop a healthier mental state, I need to be able to attach to someone in a very similar way to the way a child attaches to a parent because I never could attach to my parents because I was (and still am) mortally scared of them. Sorry if I sound a bit defensive, I'm a bit on the insecure side about quite a lot of this.

I debated on if I should reply or not, but in the end, I think it may be important that I do.

I have a very serious question for you, although anyone reading who may be going through the same dilemma (as I know many are) can answer - What do you have to offer to a partner? Emotionally, physically, mentally?

You don't have to provide those answers to me if you don't wish too, but really think about it. I'll tel you why I asked.

I dated someone before, who needed a lot of emotional and physical support. Being the kind of person I am, I gave him everything I had - and he gave me nothing in return, leaving me as an empty shell basically.

What I'm getting at, although you believe (and not saying you're wrong) you need someone like that, doesn't make it acceptable or right.

And so it doesn't seem like I'm just talking out of my ass, I'll use myself as an example, but I won't go into explicit details about my own issues.

But, I suffer with a lot of issues was well, and there are things I could consider I "need" from my partner, however I know that those are unhealthy for both me and for him - so there are things I need to take care of myself, so I can have a healthy and lasting relationship with my partner. 

It's not our partner's job to fix us, but to accept us and we bounce off of them.

I'm not trying to come across as rude, unsympathetic, or anything like that. Quite the opposite, really. I don't want anyone to suffer the same mistakes and unrealistic goals that I have in the past.  

[Denube]

On 4/23/2018 at 3:13 PM, mamabug said:

I debated on if I should reply or not, but in the end, I think it may be important that I do.

I have a very serious question for you, although anyone reading who may be going through the same dilemma (as I know many are) can answer - What do you have to offer to a partner? Emotionally, physically, mentally?

You don't have to provide those answers to me if you don't wish too, but really think about it. I'll tel you why I asked.

I dated someone before, who needed a lot of emotional and physical support. Being the kind of person I am, I gave him everything I had - and he gave me nothing in return, leaving me as an empty shell basically.

What I'm getting at, although you believe (and not saying you're wrong) you need someone like that, doesn't make it acceptable or right.

And so it doesn't seem like I'm just talking out of my ass, I'll use myself as an example, but I won't go into explicit details about my own issues.

But, I suffer with a lot of issues was well, and there are things I could consider I "need" from my partner, however I know that those are unhealthy for both me and for him - so there are things I need to take care of myself, so I can have a healthy and lasting relationship with my partner. 

It's not our partner's job to fix us, but to accept us and we bounce off of them.

I'm not trying to come across as rude, unsympathetic, or anything like that. Quite the opposite, really. I don't want anyone to suffer the same mistakes and unrealistic goals that I have in the past.  

If you wonder what I personally can offer a partner, It's loyalty and trust. A willingness to work through problems. A shoulder to cry on. Just because I personally need a lot of support doesn't mean I can't give the same support in kind. Please don't let your prejudices spill onto others.

I'm sorry you dated someone in the past who was so self-absorbed that they took everything from you like that, but that's not how relationships work. At least, not long-term relationships.

And I'm really sorry about this, but it's time for a rant borne from somewhat righteous indignation based upon your comments.

As a response to your challenge, you don't have to answer this question, but at least consider it: How much do you think you're projecting your own insecurities onto other people when you say that people like me need to 'deal' with their own problems before seeking companionship? I can handle someone telling me that, not because I'm strong but because I've been fed this line of (sorry for the term) bullshit most of my life and I've had to come to terms with it. In the past, it's led to me becoming recluse and self-flagellating because it's a really, really, destructive thing to tell someone. You're essentially telling that person that they don't deserve to have another human in their life because due to a psychological requirement they need another person due to a situation that was frequently well beyond their scope of control.

In the end, if you need someone who doesn't have psychological issues, that's fine. That's something that you want to avoid, and trust me, I understand because I had a similar relationship. But to tell someone who literally needs the kind of close contact that is usually only gotten in a close and personal relationship that they don't deserve it because you had a bad, borderline abusive relationship with someone who was essentially an emotional vampire isn't just insulting, but it's dangerous.

As for myself in order to grow I need that close personal contact. I know I'm going to project certain roles if people allow it, and honestly, there won't be much I can do about that because it's done at a subconscious level. The reason is simply I was heavily abused as a child. I never formed secure attachment to my mother or father. I find it difficult to allow people close to me physically, and about the only way I can do that comfortably is to allow a bastardized form of that parent/child attachment to form.

And you want to know the kicker? That's literally what psychologists recommend for dealing with insecure attachments: to develop close personal friends and seek out long-term romantic lovers in order to form those attachments, to allow healing for these fucked up life experiences from childhood.

I'm not trying to detract from your experiences with poor partners, nor am I saying that you're foolish for being careful about who you are romantically involved with. What I am trying to elaborate on is that these are your personal experiences and you shouldn't pass your experiences and prejudices out as some form of proclamation from god almighty that should be adhered to by everyone, because by your logic, I would never be good enough to date anybody due to a pretty painful catch-22 situation.

I've had a lot of time to probe my own mind, and I've been in therapy. In order to come to terms with my experiences, I sought out a lot of really, really technical details. As a result I've read at least two college-level books and maybe as many as 40 or 50 technical papers about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Childhood Abuse and Trauma, and Attachment Theory. I'm not an expert on the situation, but I'm no layman on the subject either. Just something you should consider.

PS. one more thing you should consider: As you've said, relationships are two way streets. Nobody is perfect, and looking for that perfect person is an exercise in futility. You can either come to terms with their defects, as they will with yours, or you can choose to nitpick and try to 'fix' traits you don't like about people you do. That however is not a healthy approach to relationships.

[mamabug]

9 hours ago, Denube said:

If you wonder what I personally can offer a partner, It's loyalty and trust. A willingness to work through problems. A shoulder to cry on. Just because I personally need a lot of support doesn't mean I can't give the same support in kind. Please don't let your prejudices spill onto others.

I'm sorry you dated someone in the past who was so self-absorbed that they took everything from you like that, but that's not how relationships work. At least, not long-term relationships.

And I'm really sorry about this, but it's time for a rant borne from somewhat righteous indignation based upon your comments.

As a response to your challenge, you don't have to answer this question, but at least consider it: How much do you think you're projecting your own insecurities onto other people when you say that people like me need to 'deal' with their own problems before seeking companionship? I can handle someone telling me that, not because I'm strong but because I've been fed this line of (sorry for the term) bullshit most of my life and I've had to come to terms with it. In the past, it's led to me becoming recluse and self-flagellating because it's a really, really, destructive thing to tell someone. You're essentially telling that person that they don't deserve to have another human in their life because due to a psychological requirement they need another person due to a situation that was frequently well beyond their scope of control.

In the end, if you need someone who doesn't have psychological issues, that's fine. That's something that you want to avoid, and trust me, I understand because I had a similar relationship. But to tell someone who literally needs the kind of close contact that is usually only gotten in a close and personal relationship that they don't deserve it because you had a bad, borderline abusive relationship with someone who was essentially an emotional vampire isn't just insulting, but it's dangerous.

As for myself in order to grow I need that close personal contact. I know I'm going to project certain roles if people allow it, and honestly, there won't be much I can do about that because it's done at a subconscious level. The reason is simply I was heavily abused as a child. I never formed secure attachment to my mother or father. I find it difficult to allow people close to me physically, and about the only way I can do that comfortably is to allow a bastardized form of that parent/child attachment to form.

And you want to know the kicker? That's literally what psychologists recommend for dealing with insecure attachments: to develop close personal friends and seek out long-term romantic lovers in order to form those attachments, to allow healing for these fucked up life experiences from childhood.

I'm not trying to detract from your experiences with poor partners, nor am I saying that you're foolish for being careful about who you are romantically involved with. What I am trying to elaborate on is that these are your personal experiences and you shouldn't pass your experiences and prejudices out as some form of proclamation from god almighty that should be adhered to by everyone, because by your logic, I would never be good enough to date anybody due to a pretty painful catch-22 situation.

I've had a lot of time to probe my own mind, and I've been in therapy. In order to come to terms with my experiences, I sought out a lot of really, really technical details. As a result I've read at least two college-level books and maybe as many as 40 or 50 technical papers about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Childhood Abuse and Trauma, and Attachment Theory. I'm not an expert on the situation, but I'm no layman on the subject either. Just something you should consider.

PS. one more thing you should consider: As you've said, relationships are two way streets. Nobody is perfect, and looking for that perfect person is an exercise in futility. You can either come to terms with their defects, as they will with yours, or you can choose to nitpick and try to 'fix' traits you don't like about people you do. That however is not a healthy approach to relationships.

Wow, okay.

You pretty much-twisted everything I said in some condescending way, which was not my intention at all. *sigh* I wasn't judging you, I was trying to be nice and have a conversation with someone, sharing my thoughts and feelings on the subject, of course, everyone has their own opinions. I think it could have been a healthy discussion. it's obvious you still have a lot of healing left to go and are still rather defensive/sensitive about this type of topic (again, NOT trying to sound condescending/rude)

I did write some more, but I deleted it, as there isn't any point. It'll just add fuel to the fire and there is no point to that.

I wish you the very best in life, hope things work out the way they should. No hard feelings from me. I apologize if I struck a nerve, wasn't my intention.

[Denube]

4 hours ago, mamabug said:

Wow, okay.

You pretty much-twisted everything I said in some condescending way, which was not my intention at all. *sigh* I wasn't judging you, I was trying to be nice and have a conversation with someone, sharing my thoughts and feelings on the subject, of course, everyone has their own opinions. I think it could have been a healthy discussion. it's obvious you still have a lot of healing left to go and are still rather defensive/sensitive about this type of topic (again, NOT trying to sound condescending/rude)

I did write some more, but I deleted it, as there isn't any point. It'll just add fuel to the fire and there is no point to that.

I wish you the very best in life, hope things work out the way they should. No hard feelings from me. I apologize if I struck a nerve, wasn't my intention.

Whether or not you realize it, you were being kind of disrespectful towards people who suffer with mental dysfunctions through no fault of their own. I wasn't trying to be condescending but I refuse to watch what I see as a toxic viewpoint take hold without saying my peace.

Do keep in mind that I suffer with these issues (and make no mistake, I do suffer). It's only been recently, after I've seen a therapist and was able to finally develop a very basic working knowledge about my various afflictions enough to have the ability to articulate how I feel. And honestly, the implied context of what you said, regardless of whether or not you meant to imply it, made me feel like a piece of dog shit on a boot.

Using myself as an example, when I was a toddler, I was beaten regularly for crying. That has an affect on a person, when abuse starts that young and that severe. You never develop the ability to rely on people. That is a crucial life skill, because it's needed in order to form even casual relationships, such as friendships. As an adult, that skill is formed similarly to the way it's formed as a child. By trust. The problem is, that trust--that attachment--when given isn't tempered by experience. In order to let that skill develop and not lead to further trauma, it's kind of necessary for the bond to be built by a long-term relationship. The inexperience the person with the attachment issue almost always has leads to the bond being almost parent-child in nature. Not quite that far, mind you. The person who has a secure attachment style essentially needs to be an emotional harbor in the storm, in much the same way good parents are with their children.

And this is what set me off: 

On 4/20/2018 at 10:21 PM, mamabug said:

I also believe that if people have psychological reasons like that, THOSE need to be worked on BEFORE getting in a relationship, because even if you do find a woman who is okay with being a mommy, it could still cause problems.

The implication of what you said there is essentially that I can't (or shouldn't) have a close romantic relationship with another person because I need the emotional harbor. A parental substitute, in other words. Okay, sure, you qualified the statement with these issues should be worked on before being in a relationship, but by and large the only reliable way to fix these issues is to actually be in a relationship with a relatively stable person. If the wrong person sees that statement and is considering a relationship with someone who has had a troubled childhood with multiple long-term mental illnesses associated with it, it may stop them from pursuing a relationship with someone they are interested in (and who would benefit greatly from the experience) because of the stigma that's often associated with mental illnesses in general. And that's not to mention how someone who knows they suffer with these problems now feel like they don't deserve to have a meaningful, personal relationship with someone else because it 'could still cause problems'. People who suffer with these issues already have severe self-esteem complications and some are even suicidal as a result. 

The one thing I find that I can't personally tolerate is public intolerance of a stigmatized class of people. That's why I say it's fine if you personally feel that way. It's not easy to be around people who suffers with complex PTSD from childhood abuse and all the attachment issues that come with it. If you don't want to deal with the myriad issues that someone with attachment issues has, then that is your decision. It's much the same way in that some people would be uncomfortable dating someone who's a paraplegic. But it is absolutely unforgivable that you publicly stated that someone shouldn't seek an intimate relationship with another person because of a mental health issue. That's like saying a healthy man shouldn't be in a relationship with an amputee woman provided he was comfortable with the complications that resulted from her condition.

It wasn't about judgmental statements. I'm not comfortable with who I am, and I'll admit that. I have seen some pretty fuckin' horrendous shit in my life, and I have lived through some truly harrowing events throughout my life. If it was something that was directed at me, whatever, I've dealt with teasing and some very severe bullying throughout my life. But it wasn't directed at me. Your statements are dangerous, because words like that can push people over the edge into a permanent action to solve a long-term, but ultimately survivable condition. It's not someone else's job to fix me, as you said, but some people are okay with that. Your statement just writes off moderate to severe mental illnesses wholesale as a deal-breaker for anyone who's not dealing with these issues.

That's what has me worked up. If you weren't trying to be rude or condescending, what you said was a terrible choice of words. You can't casually dismiss an entire class of people's rights as humans to pursue happiness and say you're trying to 'be nice and have a conversation with someone'.

I'm always open for a debate, and I'll always provide reasons and logic behind my thoughts. But this is one situation in which I'm absolutely positively set in stone over. In addition, you've pretty obviously got some kind of prejudice against people with long-term mental health issues, so there is almost no chance of having a 'healthy discussion' with you on the matter. I've said my peace here and have nothing more to add.