Hard Weekend

[littlekat]

So, I've just started my weekend and couple of weeks holiday, I should theoretically be excited and happy but this sunday is a hard day. 4 years on sunday my big brother killed himself and I haven't quite... dealt with it yet? I guess my brain just finds it easier to think that he's just missing again not that he's actually gone. He was the closest person to me in my family and was always there for me even if he got drunk and aggresive a few times. He was no saint but he was an alright guy underneath all that you know.and now I finished work an hour ago and I've already drank a ton... I know come sunday I'll be a mess and I dunno what to do about it I guess.
Depression runs in my family, so theres been a few suicides but he was just you know... my brother, I always thought he'd outlive me, and be sneaking into my house to steal biscuits but that wnt happen now.
I feel so guilty and ridiculous. My dick bag ex stopped me from speaking to him cause he was scared of him then when I finally got to message him again he'd lost his hone and a couple of weeks later he was gone.and I've been trying to be strong about it with my mum and that, sure she screwed up a lot when she was younger with us but she paid a pretty heavy rpice for it and I feel guilty cause I wish it was me not him and I tried it a few times after he did it but failed and I feel guilty for wanting to do that after seeing what it does to people.
I know very little would have changed his mind he had some pretty bad demons I just wish I could see him one last time and give him a hug tell him, I love him and miss him and punch him and tell him he's an idiot for doing it.

[babybabbles]

[littlekat]

thankies just definitely hard =/

[atnboy20]

It always seems to me it's the hardest to let go of things that are already gone. Idk how many times I wish I could go back and confront my brother about his alcoholism and tell him to get it together.

[ElephantsRock]

I know I'm new and all, but I'd just like to say that we are here for you,

[halfchargedup]

On January 8, 2016 at 9:36 AM, littlekat said:

So, I've just started my weekend and couple of weeks holiday, I should theoretically be excited and happy but this sunday is a hard day. 4 years on sunday my big brother killed himself and I haven't quite... dealt with it yet? I guess my brain just finds it easier to think that he's just missing again not that he's actually gone. He was the closest person to me in my family and was always there for me even if he got drunk and aggresive a few times. He was no saint but he was an alright guy underneath all that you know.and now I finished work an hour ago and I've already drank a ton... I know come sunday I'll be a mess and I dunno what to do about it I guess.
Depression runs in my family, so theres been a few suicides but he was just you know... my brother, I always thought he'd outlive me, and be sneaking into my house to steal biscuits but that wnt happen now.
I feel so guilty and ridiculous. My dick bag ex stopped me from speaking to him cause he was scared of him then when I finally got to message him again he'd lost his hone and a couple of weeks later he was gone.and I've been trying to be strong about it with my mum and that, sure she screwed up a lot when she was younger with us but she paid a pretty heavy rpice for it and I feel guilty cause I wish it was me not him and I tried it a few times after he did it but failed and I feel guilty for wanting to do that after seeing what it does to people.
I know very little would have changed his mind he had some pretty bad demons I just wish I could see him one last time and give him a hug tell him, I love him and miss him and punch him and tell him he's an idiot for doing it.

The older we get, the more we'll learn and come face to face with the fact that life is unfair through its unpredictability.

[littlekat]

@ElephantsRock Thank you, I'll get through it, just some times are harder than others
@halfchargedupThanks, I know that this pain kinda serves as a reminder of him, I wont forget him and I know I wont get rid of it but at least when I'm not thinking about it I can focus on the happier times with him, also imagining what he would say or do in situations is always amusing.