I Guess I Just Scare Myself...

[choctawboi]

Over my life, I've always had good food, clean water, a nice home, nice clothes (and whatever style i want)...the ability to do almost anything i want... The long and short of it is, besides an early birth, occasional accidents at night, slight hearing problems, I've never really had anything to worry about. I even have an amazing boyfriend that loves me and is completely ok with my dl side.... So. Why do i always still feel so drained, lost, depressed, hopeless..just. So empty?

Maybe this is just to vent, but lately, I've just been feeling worse. As a paramedic, i feel like I'm supposed to be the person helping others and I'm not allowed to feel like this... In the past, I've had to go to the hospital for physical self injury and overdosing. Not something I'm proud of at all, but I've almost succeeded twice and would have if i wouldn't have let myself make rash decisions and do things places where i was easily found...

Now in November, I'm coming up on the date when i was raped when i was 12 (maybe this is too much information for this site....) And my stress, depression, guilt, and just general fear are pushing me to a breaking point...

I've never been on meds because I've never talked to a doctor about this. I've been prescribed them, but both of my attempts were after i moved out, and i wasn't prepared to pay for meds and continued doctor visits.

I feel likea site like this is the only place i won't feel judged. I don't want to talk to a therapist or a friend, and have to see the sympathy in their eyes. I don't want to put it on face book and be called an attention seeker. I don't want a lot of fake, generic sympathy from Facebook. I just want to hear from those of you who share in one of the biggest parts of my life...that really makes me who i am...

I don't want to be this ready to die yet.. :/

I really hope i don't scare or bother anyone...I'm really

just trying to find a way to put my deepest life problems out there constructively instead of destructively...

Thanks to everyone who actually takes the time to read this jumbled pile of nonsense..

[ItchyTasty]

I feel sorry for you buddy!!!

Lucky you got a bf who cares for you, I only have mum and my friends, and of course my cat to snuggle up to,lol.

I guess we are in the same boat, but slightly different situations.

My mum is always great, but my dad left me from age 5 as he used to beat up mum, and she kicked him out and left him, thank god, as he was an arsehole from what mum told me about him.

Also my mum has always been very over-protective of me, even as an adult, and treated me like a younger child even when I'm adult.

Due to me having aspergers syndrome (a mild form of high functioning autism) that's probably why mum is so over-protective of me. And worst of all since 2008 I developed epilepsy from abusing recreational illicit drugs I'm very sure. Also I was totally fine medical health wise before that, unless you count asthma but that's not usually severe.....

Since 2008 I can't drive legally or drink alcohol because of the horrible anti-epileptic meds I'm on.

And sometimes when I get cluster seizures as I'm semi-awake when I'm having them, it makes me feel depressed, that doom feeling and even feel suicidal if I have enough of them a day.

And all through my school and college life I've been made fun of because of having dyspraxia and aspergers syndrome. Went to 15 different schools due to very severe bullying from everything from being severely beaten up, name calling, having my food spat in, and even some sexual abuse(having pants and boxers pulled down whilst getting changed for PE and being laughed at or beaten there by school bullies).

Was thrown down some school steps once, had my right index finger jammed in a door hinge, breaking it.

Worst thing that happened to me at school was some kid tried to strangle me in the playground when I was in my early teens.

Also had some sick fuck who put a scalpel blade to my throat in the science lesson when the teacher went the room, and no one stuck up for me for that.

Also I was physically abused by a PE teacher when I was very young.

Not hit, but forced to do a backwards somersault, as I didn't do it right myself. I had my legs forced in the air on my back and forced over my head. Which has traumatized me STILL for life, can lay on my back, but I get shit scared if I have to lift my legs up at all on my back.

And to top it all off, I'm not happy with my looks, as I began going bald since 18, now I can only have a number 1 shaved head or it looks horrible. I'd prefer to have hair, but sadly can't, wish I was in my teens again , minus the severe bullying...

[Dill_Pickle]

Choctawboi,

If the above is a pile of jumbled nonsense, I suspect your writing is good enough to sell.

Now, your depression is starting to be a problem again, so I have a simple question for you: At least twice, your depression has endangered your life, which means, absent a change, it will do so again. So what are you going to do differently this tme?

There are lots of semi-medical things that would help, such as meditation, physical exercise, and getting connected with friends, or taking up a hobby, beyond the medical ones you are rejecting. It is also not unreasonable for you to protect yourself with a hospital stay at your low point. None of the medical people I have shared my issues with, including diapers and depression has ever judged me. - that is not their job and it is not what they do.

Finally, when I started paramedic training a few years ago (only got as far as First responder, never practiced), there was quite a bit of emphasis on maintaining the helper's safety and physical and emotional health, on the grounds that.a responder getting sick or hurt would mean that the people they were supposed to be helping would not get the help they needed due to the diversion of resources. I also cannot believe that your organisation doesn't have someone available to help with what is known as "critical incident stress". You should use that resource -- not only do you obviously need and deserve it, but so does your boyfriend and your patients, who would much rather see you feeling better and don't feel good unless you do... Not to mention your fellow paramedics.

I order you to take better care of yourself!

PS. If you don't already have permission to enjoy yourself in diapers, clean, damp, wet or messy or not at all for a bit, when I have brought it up with shrinks, they have ignored it...my depression and anxiety issues were much more important than that. Further, if the diapers helped, I am sure they would want me to use them to improve my state of mind and be happier. So you should get comfortable with them, in all kinds of circumstances, and you don't even need to mention them or any other sexual oddities you may have to your shrinks or doctors.