Help Understanding

[WithQuestions]

My boyfriend is a Diaper Lover. I love him very much and am thankful that he has been honest about it and tries to answer what questions I have. However I worry greatly about upsetting him when I ask questions. He seems stressed and often doesn't know what to say. I was hoping that by expressing my concerns here the community can better help me with acceptance and understanding. I have two dominant concerns when it comes to him being a DL.

1) cleanliness: the idea of someone wetting or soiling a diaper anywhere other than a diaper seems dirty to me. When at his place it concerns me that there likely to be "matter" on the couch etc.

2) underlining issue: My largest concern and worry is possible underlining causes to this fetish. He has never gone to any type of therapy or anything to find out "why?". It upsets me greatly to think that something might have hurt him and possibly lead to this and has not been addressed. He says he doesn't know why but does admit to having some maternal issues.

I realize those are not clear questions but I'm trying to understand what I don't know. I love him and really want to try to understand this part of him without putting more pressure on something he seems to feel somewhat ashamed of.

[BabyAltair]

I don't know what your first question is supposed to mean, "the idea of someone wetting or soiling a diaper anywhere other than a diaper seems dirty to me" makes no sense. Assuming you mean bathroom, it's no different than any other part of life. If he's a clean person, don't worry about it, if he's not, well, then you can worry. If it bothers you that much that he may or may not have sat on the couch wearing a diaper that may or may not have been used, you may not be a compatible mate for someone with this fetish.

The second question, he already told you, and forcing him to go to therapy over it makes it seem to him like you want him cured, no matter what you tell him the reason is. Why he is like he is doesn't really matter, this doesn't go away, ever. It's part of him, for whatever reason. Finding out some trauma in childhood caused it will do nothing but remind him of the trauma. If he wanted to know why he has it, he likely would have figured it out already, if it's possible to know. Some people don't have a reason, at least not a concious, discoverable one.

[Bettypooh]

First I want to thank you for trying to be understanding. That is an excellent quality in a person

As to your concerns about cleanliness, yes sometimes diapers leak, but most of us are careful enough so that nobody else has to deal with it. And with a good diaper properly fitted or plastic panties it is rarely a problem. If you were a 'fly on the wall; and saw what goes on in places you thought were clean, you'd be horrified. Rather than give you those details I'll just say that the chairs at restaurants, offices, buses, taxis and the like have likely been peed on already. It's just a fact of life when babies and toddlers have been there ahead of you. If you can't see or smell anything and it's dry, it's probably not going to have any effect on you. And with your BF, you can make sure he knows what is expected of him in that department and I'm sure he will understand.

The "underlying issue"? Sometimes there isn't one. For many of us, trying to understand they why of this has given us some clues which are as diverse as our numbers are. Sometimes there are no clues as to why we're like this. There is no one thing or group of things common among us except that we like to wear diapers. The one thing we generally agree on is that this is a very powerful thing within us that we cannot stop- many or most of us have wasted years trying that. Even with counseling, therapy, psychologists and the like rare indeed is the person who can stop wearing completely. For most of us we approach this as something we manage- we make sound decisions about our wearing based on out needs, our life, and the people around us. As odd as the concept may seem to you, there is nothing wrong with an adult wearing diapers. That is not just my opinion, that is what we get from the therapists, counselors, shrinks etc., and that is the general conclusion our own discussions come to as well. The problem lies in how the general public may see this and in how well we can deal with it successfully in our own life.

Each individual is different so I cannot yell you what to expect from your BF. What I can tell you is that for most of us this is a tough subject to broach even with someone we love- especially for those of us who are not yet comfortable with this part of our life. Communication, patience, and true concern for each other and the relationship you have can lead you through this. Just be realistic and know that some allowances must be made for this, even if you decide that you want no part of it. I would hope that you will find something about it or what it does for him valuable to you, as many couples have found. There can be great joy in sharing one's happiness and the best thing you can do for another is help them to be happy

Bettypooh

[sweetandsensitiveguy]

well if he is using the diaper and uses other protect then you shouldnt worry about matter. As for taking him to theraphy thats extreme most people into this either know why they are or they dont its just an urg and therapy wouldnt help. What you can do is talk to him be there for him and asking here isnt as great as talking to him and asking him these ? it will strengthen your relationship

[diggir]

First of all kudos to you for trying to find answers here. If you need to know about DL's the information is known by someone. In regards to your first question unless it's a very loose BM a diaper will hold it in. I've personally never had one leak "matter" onto another surface. In addition to the diaper though I also wear plastic panties as Bettypooh stated earlier. Myself, as an experienced diaper wearer, get a feel for when a diaper needs changed. Wet diapers are a little more tricky. If you wear one long enough it will leak but that's where getting a feel for it comes in. Wearing the same diaper brand all of the time helps you to know when it's going to be the right time to change it. You can't wear a Depend anywhere near as long as you can an Abena. If you are really concerned about possible leaks you could ask him to use a plastic backed underpad when he sits on the furniture. They're sold at most drug stores.

The answer to your second question is anybodies guess. I think my DL tendencies come from being super close to my mother, ie, a momma's boy. While others can be traced to being diapered past potty training age and their parents made them wear a diaper to try and humiliate them into using the toilet. I hope you can make some sense out of this and that it helps you deal with what you are going through.

[inlovenomatterwut]

Hi there. I just wanted to respond to your message because I can relate and hopefully can help you. The first part about it not being clean and thinking its dirty, I can relate to that, so what I do is change the diaper for him so I know it's all clean after he goes to the bathroom. After he is all wiped up, some baby lotion and baby powder help to make It smell nice and fresh. As for the part with talking to someone, at first I thought the same thing, but then when I started to get more involved and get used to diaper wearing, it's innocent. It's something that makes our significant other happy. They are not hurting anyone. They are not allowing it to control their lives. They still get up, go to work and whatever other responsibilities they must do are being done. Thy are maintaining friendships and relationships with people. There is absolutely no reason to think there is something 'wrong' and he should go speak to someone. It's something that makes him happy; it's a hobby. And if you love him, you'll do anything to keep him happy. Good luck!

[JDL23]

For both your questions, the best thing in either case is to talk things over with your boyfriend in a calm and friendly tone. If you have trouble with him using a diaper around you, then express that concern and see if you and he need to set boundaries about his diaper wearing. If you think he might be dealing with some childhood trauma through his fetish, talk to him about it and share some childhood experiences of your own if it helps him open up. Communication is going to critical, especially if he feels so ashamed about his fetish. The fact that you're trying to understand him and ask questions among other Diaper Lovers is a sign you're headed in the right direction.

[WithQuestions]

Thank you everyone for your responses. They have been very helpful.

[Honu]

W/?,

Place in incontinence pads on the sofa and chairs. Any experienced parent knows that despite your frequent efforts to check and change diapers, leaks happen. Young children always have spare clothes at day care.

Your opinions are not for debate. I'm not giving you advice to change your mind, just how you manage your opinion while with a DL.

Once again, thank you for being open to this activity and for coming here for our opinions and advice.

Regards,

Honu