Struggling....

[BabySarahLauren]

The last few days, I have wrestled with guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-hatred, and depression. I reach for self-acceptance, but do not consistently grasp it: I have it for a time, and then it's gone. That I have it even for a time represents progress, to be sure. But progress seems so slow!

Yes, yes--progress is slow. I've done enough therapy to know that. The hardest thing is that no matter how many adult things I do or what adult things I do, I cannot change who I am and who I want to be: a little baby girl. I am a baby, and want to be that! Arrghh! The next hardest thing is that my identity, little baby girl, will not please everybody; some people will simply hate it. Why do I need to please everybody? Because if I please everybody, their acceptance of me will help me to accept myself.

The funny part is that so many do accept me as being a little baby girl. Some even see me as a baby girl, think of me as a baby girl--my dream come true. Yet I myself have not reached that point. And I sense that I must reach that point in order to have inner peace.

Yes, yes--acceptance must come from the inside out. And I do feel such acceptance growing. But again, progress seems so slow! For me, self-acceptance means more than simply "I'm OK as a little baby girl." It means feeling whole, together, not somehow "unfinished". It means knowing who I really am and what I really want. I have begun to see the first part, who I really am. Yet I feel that I have only begun.

Some say that depression is anger turned inward. That may be true for me. I hold seething anger, bubbling rage, and howling fury. Directed at my parents (mostly my mother), at the situation, and at myself--for being who I am and not being able to change. You see, everything that happened those many years ago was my fault. Yes, yes--it really wasn't my fault. But I fight that notion.

I probably take these issues too seriously. I always have. Yet I fear that if I don't fix it all, don't get it all "right", something terrible will happen: everyone will abandon me and I will disappear.

All these are old questions, questions that I have pondered again and again. I will resolve them, over time. However, they hit me in the face again and again!

How do you all handle these issues? Thanks, everyone, for being here, and thanks for listening.

[Bettypooh]

I see a lot of what was once me happening here Life is ever-changing and if you concentrate too much on past things you won't have the ability to handle today and tomorrow very well. Maybe the best thing is for you to not worry about the past at this point and try to bring today to a better conclusion. There will be plenty of time to think about past issues in the future as long as that future is heading the right way Are you currently seeing a Therapist? That was one thing which helped me get me through my darkest hour and from that I learned how to get my life back together- I wouldn't be here if not for that I also see several signs of clinical depression here too, but you need that diagnosis from someone other than me. If you haven't checked into this I hope you will. Depression can be managed and many times medication isn't necessary or can be dropped as you make progress with handling it. And if you have it, know that it wasn't your fault- Clinical Depression is a physical disease which strikes at random and can fall upon anyone anywhere- even seemingly happy people can have it.

You'll find many people here who have had similar trials in life and they will all be happy to help you find your way to a better life. Not all of our answers may apply to you as we are all different individuals with different lives, but at least you'll get to see how we've found our way which may help you in finding yours Being ABDL is different than anything else in life and there's nothing wrong with it or you. The biggest improvement in life comes from learning how to best deal with it in your own life, and I believe you'll be able to find some answers here that will work for you. Make some friends here, browse the site, and remember that every person has value in life and is special in their own way- and that includes you

Bettypooh

[abbear]

Wow Bettypooh, I couldn't have said it better. I guess the only thing I can add is that we need to be different to be ourselves. Of course everyone is not going to agree with the way you live your life no matter what you do. You will never please everyone.