Bedwetter! (100th Post)

[BabyLex]

Greetings all! This is my 100th post here on DD! It's an arbitrary line in the sand, but nevertheless signifies a certain amount of time and participation in the community and seems like a decent time to take a step back and reflect on the past events, how they've shaped the present, and how to achieve the goals of the future.

I think we all take our own little baby steps (no matter what our interest in diapers is). We go through the different phases of coming to understand our interest in diapers, exploring it, accepting it within ourselves, and to varying degrees sharing it with others, whether those others be other members of the communities which have diaper interests or our family and friends who have little to no experience or understanding of our more eclectic interests.

I remember back finally being potty trained, as a kid, and feeling a sense of ambivalence regarding the loss of diapers. On the one hand, I could go to sleepover parties, and be a 'big kid' instead of a 'baby' which has certain social implications during early childhood, but I also missed them. Over the following years I always found my eyes drawn towards a package of diapers, I was interested in the brands, the supplies, would often walk through the baby aisle on my way through the store and would just look at all the things available. I remember at the age of 12, picking up diapers when and where I could, taking them to the bathroom with the locking door, when no one was home and getting a great pleasure from playing with them. I wasn't sure why I enjoyed it so much, but I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it. Remember what it was like to be 12? Friends would make references to sex, or drugs, or something and you'd have no idea what they were talking about, but you'd sort of have to pretend you did, otherwise they'd realize you had no idea and that made you a 'kid'. Or trying to pretend you liked the 'cool' music, food, movies, etc, when really you just wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons, and play video games, and enjoy the same silly snacks, and make a blanket fort and play some kind of make believe games. Those strange moments of 'letting go' of 'babyish' or 'kid' things so that we can explore more 'adult' things is part of the coming of age experience which is universal across cultures. We put away our childish things, and pick up more adult ones, and as a part of the experience, we go so far as to get rid of, or even renounce our old childlike habits. But some of us still long for our diapers, our sense of freedom, play, and lack of inhibitions. To walk out barefoot into the wet grass on a summer day and to play in the sprinkler, eat a popsicle, and lose all sense of time, responsibility, and obligation. To simply 'be' and see the world as a vast magical place full of opportunities, wonder, and amazing secrets. Back when we'd tell stories (mostly ones we made up) about things that were out there in the world. Sea monsters, space aliens, dragons, mystical portals, ghosts, what have you, but the universe was a bigger and more exciting place.

But, according to the mainstream mentality, childhood must end. We must undergo the harsh experience of growing up, and seeing that the world isn't a beautiful menagerie of beauty, but it's a harsh place that runs over the innocent. The number of stories, books, movies, songs, etc that involve the loss of innocence are too numerous to count, and all revolve around the central theme of walking amidst a dangerous plain full of people who would gladly bring harm to you because you are not like them. Depending on where you live it may be because of your skin color, your religion, who you like to sleep with, your age, your language/accent, your education, or the fact that you just don't fit in. So in order to stay out harm's way, and to avoid getting hurt, we close up. We learn not to trust anyone and everyone, lest we fall prey to a parlor trick, some words of wit, or a hidden hand up a sleeve and find ourselves victimized. We learn to put up walls, and to guard our identities to keep ourselves safe. Our trust must be earned, and there are varying levels of trust, each of which requires someone to prove themselves trustworthy and loyal to us. As we come to know, trust, and love someone and they peel back the layers of the onion of our being, we may still never let them into our core, into the sanctuary which houses our most vulnerable and intimate pieces. For some of us this is where our AB/DL interests live... for others they live closer to the surface.

In the years I've been an AB, I can't say I've been much of an AB. My interests have been cyclical. I just came out to my spouse for the first time this past December. And instead of spending more time playing as an AB, I spend far too much time analyzing the underlying mentalities which perhaps motivate my interests. Perhaps it is because of the compartmentalization of my life was a source of conflict for so long, or perhaps because I wasn't comfortable keeping my AB side a secret from my friends for so long. The people who loved and trusted me the most, who wanted to know every facet of me, were always, by one measure, held at arm's length, believing they wouldn't understand my AB interests and wouldn't be able to keep it a secret, as per the desires discussed in the previous paragraph. But, at one point, I (and many others) made the step to cross that line. That's the most recent line I crossed, but in one's own journey, each stage is a monumental occasion worthy of praise and admiration. Whether it's the moment you realize you're drawn to diapers, or the moment you get some and play for the first time, when you come to accept that you really do enjoy diapers and they are important to you, going through a few 'binge and purge' cycles, coming to terms with your own identity in this manner, and then building up the courage and commitment to share that with others. These days, I'm at a point where I've come to realize that my AB side is important to me, it's a part of me, not the only part of me, not even the primary part of me, but not an insignificant one either. It's a facet to my identity that I've come to accept and enjoy, and share with my partner. Perhaps, in time, I'll become comfortable enough to tell my other friends, and to develop more AB/DL friends. Time will tell.

As to the future, I'd like to think that there will come a time when our diaper interests won't be something we're immediately afraid of. We won't worry that we're bothered, mentally unstable, or have a problem of any sort. I'd like to think that someday AB/DL interests will be relatively well known and people won't make a big deal out of it. Some will say "It's not for me" while others say "they love it" and sum total emotional content of the conversation will akin to whether or not someone enjoy coke or sprite. No personal judgments will be made, no emotionally loaded conversation will follow and people will generally think of as something minor, private, and harmless. Over the years I've seen things go and more in this direction. I remember back when finding other AB/DLs was hard, back when the net only had a few sites, that were (despite the creator's best intentions) not user friendly, had little content, and were hard to find. I remember when I used to chat with AB/DLs online, and the entire experience was very anonymous, people weren't proud of this interest, didn't tell anyone, and just wanted to login to the net to meet someone else, who had compatible interests, but were scared to ever meet. I remember when there was almost no such thing as adult sized kids products (AB gear), the best one could do is make something homemade, and even then people often played by themselves. But now, there are lots of AB/DL sites, companies that make AB/DL products specifically for people with our interest, AB/DL hotels, clubs, group meetings, campouts, events, pride symbols, and even some mainstream media coverage. So long as we do our best to show that we're by and large good people with an uncommon but harmless interest I think the future is going to be bright. I think future generations of AB/DLs are going to have a much easier time, coming to terms with their interest, meeting friends, feeling support and feeling comfortable being more vocal with their interests.

But it's not something that we simply sit back and 'watch' happen. We contribute to it, WE make it happen. We do it through talking to each other, through providing comments, support, jokes to lighten the mood, communicating about new product developments, creating and starting businesses that are open minded and friendly, and not necessarily telling the world about our own AB/DL interests, but fomenting a culture of open mindedness to esoteric and different interests, and for those who are brave enough to do it, actually telling the world about their AB/DL interests. My hat is off to those individuals who have taken that step, they've contributed far more to the community than many of the rest of us combined.

Anyways, thanks for reading my 100th post. I really appreciate all that all of you have provided my life, whether it be insight, commentary, a quip, or an interesting point of view I hadn't considered.

Looking forward to many more good posts.

--Lex

[Hunter1076]

Congrats on turning 100

You have posted a very positive and well thought message that ALL new members should read.

And thank you for being part of the group

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

100 Congrats, Lex!

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us.