diaperpt

Good... wrong... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... What is good (or bad), wrong (or right) are so very subjective. I think I've made several (understatement!) bad choices in my life. I regret the choices, and I do regret some of the outcomes but not necessarily all of them. I don't think any one thing can be both wrong and good, however something wrong, as in a decision/choice, can lead to some positive or at least desirable outcomes. But maybe that's splitting hairs.

Yay for Tyler!! She's going to stick it to Yuko!! At least I hope so! Whatever will it be?

Well, that one year sucked. It sounds like you were 'in between' in far too many senses. At home you were again fortunate in having two possible girl friends, yet unfortunate in your pick. Occam's Razor can be stated a number of ways, but in this case the most obvious choice is usually the right choice. You seem to be hitting on a number of poor choices. Is that really true or are you touching on those because of the effects of them?

I have to say, I'm not at all surprised that you created a life as the girl you knew you were. What a creative way of easing the pain of feeling unable to actually live that life at that time. How horrible it is that we end up feeling guilty -for trying to be ourselves while living in this imperfect world which, for the most part has and still expects everyone to be cis gender. No one should have to feel guilty and imperfect for finding creative ways to deal with this and yet, we often feel so very much guilt for that which those pushing the societal pressures against trans people are guilty of. Consider how in the early stages of any kind of trans acceptance many years ago, the gate-keepers rules were that a person had to change their first and last names, abandon all their family and friends, move far, far away and begin a completely new life in their correct gender. In order for that to work, those people had to do exactly what you express guilt for doing. Those trans people transitioned and then had to lie to everyone around them about a non-existent previous life. That was forced on them in order to live as themselves. Your inability to transition seems to have driven you to lie before you could transition as a way to cope with that inability. Aside from that, you had this created identity (I prefer saying that over saying "fake") and your audience was the boy you called your role model and his girlfriend. In that online existence, how did the created you meet and get to be friends with them? Not a stumbling block or key to my thoughts on this whole situation, but I'm curious. What do you suppose would have happened had you been honest with your role model from the start - telling him you were living as the boy you were declared to be at birth but you had created this identity because that's who you knew you were meant to be? I can very well understand why you would feel you couldn't be honest but why must we feel guilty for trying to preserve a good relationship with people who like us but can't make the leap to like us as our true gender? I'm not challenging that we do feel guilt; only that we're made to feel guilty. Have you been able to abandon that guilt? My wife and kids tried to force guilt on me for lying to them (even though I'd lied to myself about my gender most of my life) but in their rejection of me proved that I'd been justified in those lies; they weren't going to accept me no matter what.

I'm so sorry that you've been in the hospital! I hope the surgery went well and you're recovery quickly. But take your time getting better before you even think about posting more of the story! Say we give you another hour or two?

Really, Yuko has gone off the deep end! At this point I can see Tyler and Nat walking off into the sunset, in love and going to live happily ever after in complicated Mommy-Baby/Lover relationship! And speaking of going off the deep end, when is Sparkle Dust due back at the institution? (Sorry, SD, but stabbing Yuko in the kidney only seems to have her riled up all the more!)

Gosh, the comments are as interesting and fun as the story is! I love it all!

Puzzle pieces... nice! That girl was just incredibly patient, kind, caring...WOW. I've got to wonder how she would have described you at that point and how she might now, but that's not usually ours to know. I wonder if there has ever been a human, or more a couple, who haven't said this! Age brings experiential wisdom if nothing else. Some of us even pay attention to that wisdom we accumulate!

I can definitely get that Since I didn't understand myself until much later, I've got no idea what it would be like to tell parents, Telling a spouse of 25+ years is a whole lot different. It didn't occur to you that your step-mom was proud for having the courage to speak out as you did? That maybe in spite of the pain your father was, that she was try ing to be supportive of you and your father, supportive or not, was trying to understand. I hear you saying that was an undesirable compulsion but could that be more from your perspective - your truth, but not necessarily an objective truth? And I apologize for my tendency to psychoanalyze when it's not at all my place to do so.

OK... gonna get worse. What's worse than Yuko stabbed in the kidney, incontinent herself now! Sparkle Dust, was that really necessary?

Good therapists, I think, are expert at telling us what we're afraid to tell or just don't know how to tell ourselves. I'm a bit surprised, but happy for you that your therapist cut through the coverup so many of us go through and just told you! It took me 5 years with a psychiatrist to be ready to knock down that last wall and admit to myself who I am. I'd gone through telling all my diaper history along with all the rest of my history. He tied my attraction to diapers with my relationship with my mother, a relationship a lot more complicated than I had ever imagined. I think his thinking was true to an extent, but when I started with a gender therapist and told her about my use of diapers, she calmly said, "Well, of course. You wanted to go back in time and get your gender right this time." The coming out part is so unique for each of us. I feel for you, Sparkle Dust, but also happy for you that this part of coming out is behind you. I expect... and hope... we'll be hearing about your coming out experience too, Sophie.

maybe, maybe not. I'm not betting on anything right now. They think they have their friend back, but will they want her back as she continues to wet? ...and then that first bowel movement?

Haha... Weren't we all! Sadly it's taken too many decades for me to come out of various stages and displays of "dumbass"! I'd say you're doing pretty well in your recovery. ?

I'm so sorry that there wasn't a happier ending to this relationship. So many people have told me that it's never too late; that I may find a new relationship. I believe in the possibility for any person. My age works against me and I'm OK with that. There is the chance you'll find someone who completes you in a way you'd never expect. Meanwhile, hugs.?

Uh oh. They are in for a surprise when they find out she has no control. But can they convince her that tis ahis was all a set up? Or was this kidnapping a setup to prove to Nat beyond any doubt that she desperately needs Tyler? Inquiring minds want to know!

A lot of people would be thrilled to have one girl interested in them, but having two friends both of whom liked you is a complicated mess. The good news is you survived it. One way or another.

I'd love to hear more about these two girls. I probably wouldn't have said that if they didn't visit again the next day. So did the first girl announce that the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch was gay? ...or just tell the second girl? The first girl just had to show off the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch who was gay. It had to be a shock that you announced you weren't. Did they visit the next day just to figure out what the boy who sat outside the cafeteria at lunch was about? '

Out of the mouths of babes... well, she's pretty much there. Here's the tension most of us figured would be coming.

What we want and what we need aren't always the same thing. But then sometimes both the want and the need are different but both not so pleasant and sometimes they're different and would both be pleasant. Weird. I guess it is human to wonder how things would have been different. I regret a lot of things I've done; I wish I'd done things differently or that my circumstances had been different. But in my mind, to wonder what things might been like is impossible. Or maybe I just lack imagination. I can wonder things like, suppose the girl friend I had in high school hadn't broken up with me... or better yet that I hadn't gotten back with her 4 years later and then spent 15 years in an unpleasant marriage. I can wonder what would have happened if my orders to Viet Nam hadn't been canceled (actually I don't wonder about that... I would have died. I know it.) I could wonder what it would have been like if I didn't live far away from kids who might have been good friends - or if I understood my gender decades sooner. And while I know things would have been different, I can't visualize at all how they'd have been different.

Even in such a positive chapter, with Nat finding her new self deep down in herself, the tension between Yuko and Tyler quietly comes into play. Fun.

Well, that wasn't such a great childhood, was it? When did your mom and dad split? Lots of stuff going on here! Such the story teller. You just can't resist leaving readers hanging.

Yuko has created a monster in Lina and I am guessing she's going to come to regret it.Then again, I said that knowing full well I am terrible at predicting how one of your stories is going to go.

And yet, because the rest of society said you were a boy, you couldn't handle that clarity the same way you could have otherwise. And your female best friend who you had a crush on seems to have had a bit of clarity too. I'm curious why you never kissed.

Chocolate to the rescue! But still the tension between Yuko and Tyler continues. Maybe that will be the ultimate downfall of this? I think the two of them need to sit down and coordinate things better. Or if it is the Yuko/Lina thing that will blow up will it be Lina or will it be Yuko's misjudgment of her power over Lina? Yeah, too soon to tell.

The boy you called your role model ... or when I write it, should I write "The boy I called my role model"? That would keep the status of a name, if not a title. But as I started to say, had some very interesting questions and your answers painted a picture of some of the inner conflict. Did you not understand the conflict and some of what was behind it, did you have solid hints but not admit that to yourself, or did you see fairly clearly then. Actually, haven't you already said that you didn't understand any conflict at that point... but then my mind is a sieve and I struggle to remember what I ate for lunch. Regardless, this was an interesting and insightful entry.