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bbykimmy
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Status Replies posted by bbykimmy
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Writing is about the best anyone is going to get out of me anymore. I'm not going to answer messages or reply to comments, I'm just going to write some stuff now and then and stay in my lane. If this doesn't work for you I am gesturing vaguely toward the door for your benefit.
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Update: Still alive, still paralyzed, still incontinent, still depressed, still angry, still moving, still not up to talking, still appreciative that people care.
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I see your update and give you a:
Still love you, still care for you, still find you endearing and sweet and clever, still going to be here when you need me, still letting you know that all your feelings are valid and understandable and having them doesn't make you any less wonderful than I've always known you are.
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I know that I'm probably hurting a lot of you by not responding to your comments and messages, I'm not doing it to be rude and I don't want you to think I don't care or appreciate you, it's just that conversation is really hard for me right now.
I have news about what's going on with me. I'm moving soon, within the next few days probably. There have been conversations that I was not involved in until the decision was made for me by my aunt and cousin regarding my situation. For a refresher, my situation is that I'm paralyzed, down a leg, depressed, suicidal, I've been hearing and seeing things that shouldn't be real, I don't sleep, I started drinking again after being sober for a little over five years, all the things that make me a treat to be around. Anyway, the decision was made that I would move in with my aunt and she and my cousin would basically tag team taking care of me.
My suggestion that they both fuck off and let me spiral out of control was soundly rejected. The point was made that I can't properly take care of myself now that I can't work, can't walk, can't control my bodily functions, yeah, on top of everything I'm also incontinent now which is basically just the icing on the cake.
I spend all my time in her room. Her bed smells like her and one of my pillows smells like the girl I was seeing so I just lay in the bed and hold those pillows and cry. I talk to them and cry. I see them and cry.
I wasn't conscious in the car before they got us out and I went to the hospital, but I see them in the apartment. Roommate is bent in unnatural ways, she's never right in front of me, always just kind of on the fringe but I know it's her because even though she talks to me and her voice is thick and wet sounding, she's still her. She asks me why I'm trying to live without her, why I spend all my time clinging to the things she left behind and the memories of her when I could be with her just by giving up. She makes giving up sound natural and wonderful but when I have the pills or the razor in my hand I freeze up and just shut down.
The girl I was seeing doesn't tell me to give up on life, she just mocks me. She's much harder to listen to because her voice comes out of the gash in her throat and there's this flapping, crackling sound every time she talks and it scares me. She tells me that I get to live my ridiculous fantasy life now, being a helpless and pathetic baby trapped in a woman's body. She laughs at me laying on the bed crying when I smell what I've done in my diaper, her laughter is gurgly and awful and no matter what I do I can't block it out.
TL;DR: I'm apparently in the middle of either a complete mental breakdown or a haunting and neither are great things. I'm well on my way to becoming a horrible parody of the worst ABDL stories I've ever read. I am days away from suffering more humiliation and indignity than I can possibly begin to imagine. I'm still terrible at killing myself. I have a lot of people pulling for me and sending me love and support but none of it is tangible and I hate that. I hate feeling so incredibly grateful that people care about me but remain alone and suffering.
*sigh* Anyway, I've whined and moped as much as I care to. I'll try and send out some messages before it gets dark, they tend to show up more at night for whatever reason.
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I love you.
You're not hurting anyone here by sharing your thoughts, you're not hurting anyone here by not responding to comments. We are pouring our love out for you because it's the only thing we can do in this situation and you are under no obligation to reciprocate in any way. It is a gift freely given.
This sucks.
It sucks that this tragedy has befallen you. It sucks that you've lost so much. It sucks. It sucks that all we can give you is words on a screen.
I wish things were better for you, I hope you get better, I hope you get some positive news in the near future. I'm rooting for you, and my heart is with you.
❤️
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Why am I still here? Why did I survive? Why can't I give up and let go, to end this pain once and for all? All I want to do is die but I can't do it.
I think about them and I cry or rage. I think about being stuck in this fucking chair forever and I cry and I rage. I hate everything and want to be alone to die but then I think about how I just want to have someone hold me and take care of me and make everything better.
There is so much darkness inside me that I feel nothing but the worst emotions. I wish I hadn't survived.
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The feelings you are experiencing are normal. This is a normal reaction to the things that have happened to you. It is okay for you to be sad, it is okay for you to be angry, it is okay for you to mourn and grieve. It's normal for you to not want to have to deal with all of that suffering. It's normal to want solitude and closeness at the same time, humans are complicated that way.
I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry you hurt.
Bad things happen to good people, and I'm sorry.
But I'm glad you survived. I'm glad you're still with us. I'm glad you're still you. I love you for the person that you are, and I've never seen you. You can make it through this. I know you can.
I'm proud of you, for how strong you are - even if you don't feel strong right now. I'm proud of you for fighting. I'm proud of you for coming back and posting again, even though I'm sure some small part of you told you not to. You have a community here, we love you no matter what, and we're all cheering you on.
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There was an accident and the girl I had just started seeing, my roommate, and her girlfriend were all killed. I was in a coma for a while, lost one of my legs, and probably won't ever walk again and I'm in so much pain because of everthing that I'm giving up, this is too much.
I'm sorry for those of you that have grown attached to me and I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to deal with this.
Goodbye.
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I want you to know that when and if you come back, we'll be here waiting for you.
I'm deeply sorry for everything you've lost, I can't even imagine the pain you're in right now or what it means for your life. But I want you to know that I think you're an amazing person and that I love you.
You don't owe anyone who loves you an apology, and it's okay to not be strong enough to deal with everything. I hope you have some people in your life to lean on, everyone needs help and it's okay to need that help. Please don't be hard on yourself, don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a good friend.
You wouldn't tell your friend "You should be sorry for not being strong enough on your own", you would never say that to anyone. You would say, "What can I do to help?"
So, please, with what little help I can offer you, know that it's there for the taking. You can talk to me about anything, any time.
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Just saw the new Pokemon game trailer and UMMMMM your girl is gonna have to get herself a Switch, y'all! Obviously getting a Switch means I'll HAVE to play Breath of the Wild and Mario Odyssey because I'm a weak willed child woman and don't judge me!
Dat Pokemon game doe...
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I'm working on a story submission right now and it's legit fucking me up. I was SO excited about the idea and now that I'm writing it I'm actually feeling the crushing depression that this poor girl in the story is dealing with, this shit is palpable and goddamn it hurts. I find myself taking breaks to stop writing and just listen to the music that makes me feel better, and when I go back to writing I'm INSTANTLY fucking sad again.
Look, I know I write dark and mopey shit, but very rarely does any of that actually effect me, it's part of the process to work out my internal thoughts and worries and it makes me feel better to put it to words. This shit is something else though, this is dwelling on the vile and repugnant shit that people think and feel and buying into the reality that I'm probably not very far from the truth is not okay with me.
#bummersummer
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Hey Lambie.
You're writing a subject that is deeply personal to you, you personally are already afraid that people secretly don't like you. A person without that fear wouldn't struggle as much with this prompt. There is no shame in it, knowing your own pitfalls is valuable. Give yourself grace and forgiveness for feeling insecure. It doesn't make you a bad person, nobody's perfect. I'm insecure about these sorts of things sometimes too, my pitfalls are different than yours. I NEED attention from the people I care about, I NEED to feel valued and loved or I fall apart. That's not an attractive quality! I'm not proud of it, so writing a story about a needy person would probably put me into a spiral about my own neediness.
Forgive yourself for your imperfections. We love you not in spite of them, but because of them - we're all flawed.
As for people leaving if they aren't going to get off to your story.... forget them, they're not your audience. Don't worry about it. You already have a following, and not every story is for every person. Write what you want to write. Write to make YOU feel, and your audience will feel with you.
<3
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I'm working on a story submission right now and it's legit fucking me up. I was SO excited about the idea and now that I'm writing it I'm actually feeling the crushing depression that this poor girl in the story is dealing with, this shit is palpable and goddamn it hurts. I find myself taking breaks to stop writing and just listen to the music that makes me feel better, and when I go back to writing I'm INSTANTLY fucking sad again.
Look, I know I write dark and mopey shit, but very rarely does any of that actually effect me, it's part of the process to work out my internal thoughts and worries and it makes me feel better to put it to words. This shit is something else though, this is dwelling on the vile and repugnant shit that people think and feel and buying into the reality that I'm probably not very far from the truth is not okay with me.
#bummersummer
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I feel you. I cried so much writing Breaking the Girl, I almost deleted huge chunks of it because it felt so dark, so wrong. The best stories have a kernel of you in them, and if you're writing from your own trauma, that's gonna bring some pain. You can do it hun, and you'll feel better when it's through.
I have faith in you - finish it or don't, I'll love you no matter what.
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❤️❤️❤️❤️ your wall needed hearts, it is known.
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So, I had a super scary stalkery type situation come up recently, this person knew where I lived and had my personal email and was threatening to expose me to my work and friends. I exposed myself to take away their power over me, and I'm still alive, so there's that.
I'm not sure where the person was able to get my personal information from, it doesn't really matter, I've done everything in my power to keep myself safe and if they're still planning to do something I'll deal with that too.
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I've been asked a couple times now why I use #zeropenises on my stories and the answer is because it's my candle in the window in case someone important wants to drop by, it let's them know that it's safe for them to do so. Also, it's because there's no penises in the story, simplest answer is best answer.
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In case what I wrote gets deleted, I want to thank everyone for their support and for coming with me on my journey of exploring my writing. I'm not really very good at goodbyes, so if this is where my time here as a writer ends I want you all to know that it's meant the world to me to have been able to not only share my work with you, but to also learn a lot about myself through my interactions here.
If this is goodbye then be kind to yourself and to everyone you come into contact with, you never know when that kindness will be the thing that changes someone's life. <3
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I'm working on a short story for the Halloweens, and it is legit the hardest thing I've tried to write. It's not like a crazy difficult concept or anything, and I know the story I want to tell, but I've written and rewritten the beginning a dozen times and I'm still not happy with it.
I'm sure it will click eventually, but I would like to have it done ahead of the actual day of Halloween but with the way it's been going I'm not sure if it will...
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I made a Discord if anyone wants to chat <3
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My Littlespace is somewhat different than most of my friends’. Everyone else seems to be able to regress and have a great time, but there’s a part of my brain I just can’t turn off. I’m an engineer and I’m constantly doing pattern matching and problem solving in my head.
I took my coloring books and my dot-to-dot books with me (the dot-to-dots are ~400 per page) and the other Littles were intimidated and it made me feel a little self-conscious.
But that’s just who Little Kimmy is. I still like complicated things even when I’m smol.
I’m valid. My Littlespace is valid. If this is you too, you’re also valid.
<3
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My Little self is 3 and 30 at the same time. I feel the need to do things, build things, stack things, make complex things... I can't just roll cars around and play with dolls.
I didn't really get a chance to be a kid when I was physically young, so I don't really know how to play. Just playing with actual toys makes me feel bored and anxious, but laying on my tummy and coloring in this book while talking with my friends made me feel good.
It's stimulating while still feeling Little.
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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@Sophie ♥ You ARE the evil twin! I'm a PRINCESS.
I'm a being of Sweetness and Light! And I'm not the betrayer here, I'm the betrayee. You're siding with my mommy against me :'(
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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@Sophie ♥ HEAR THAT SOPHIE!?
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SHE FIBBED
My mommy told me that I wouldn’t have to wear the belt to the party if I wore it all day, if I didn’t fuss or whine when we put it on.I WAS GOOD ALL DAY AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR IT TO THE PARTY.
...I refused to drink anything all day, and I was dry when she got home. She says I brought it on myself, I don’t agree.
I say I’m a princess and this is NOT FAIR AT ALL.
And then Sophie BETRAYED ME and AGREED WITH HER.
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Um, I don't think I'm going to need my CAPCon story for my next turn on "Pick Your Battles" @Sophie ♥
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Um, I don't think I'm going to need my CAPCon story for my next turn on "Pick Your Battles" @Sophie ♥
