Shy-Diapers

“I know you didn’t sweetheart. That’s why I’m not scolding you. I just want you to know that it might hurt some people.” Charlotte responded gently. “It didn’t hurt or upset me. I just want you to know.” She said smiling, trying to hammer home that she wasn’t upset in the slightest. She laughed and followed Rebecca along through the funhouse. She was glad that Rebecca was carefree and laughing right now. She knew how stressful it must be to have Lani around so much. Even though they planned to meet back up with Tom and her soon, she was happy to give her daughter the individual time. Lani bit her lip and stared at the carousel. She nodded slightly. She wanted to be brave and try it out. “I’ll try it.” She said softly. She made sure she had her dragon clutched close to her chest, wanting his comforting presence. When she got placed upon a horse she gripped the pole tight in anticipation. She didn’t really know what to expect. Once the ride started though, she visibly relaxed. She wasn’t too fond of the music being so loud in her opinion. That aside, she was smiling and seemed to be enjoying herself. The gentle and repetitive motions made her very happy and she even laughed a bit as she enjoyed herself. She did make sure she could always see Tom though.

Lani nodded and clutched her dragon close to her chest. “Mommy says manners are really important. Nobody likes a bratty girl.” She parroted back to Tom. She jumped and yelped a bit when he picked her up, having not expected it since she was so focused. She didn’t mind it though. She was really starting to enjoy when Tom carried her around. None of that stopped her from squirming though. While she hadn’t really ever stopped since arriving, she certainly was squirming more than usual. When they approached the carrousel, she eyed it a little nervously. “It’s so big.” She said softly, very shocked by the sight. “The grocery store one is small!” Her tone wasn’t clear if she was excited or anxious about this fact. Charlotte knew that Rebecca didn’t mean any harm by the comment. She wasn’t bothered by it but she did worry if she said things like that to other people. “Honey, it’s not very nice to say things like that. It’s not nice to make comments about somebody’s body or size.” She said gently. Her tone was kind and informative rather than scolding or correcting. She always did her best to raise her daughter to be kind and compassionate. “Do you want to go in alone and have me wait out here? Or I can come with you.” She said with a smile, showing Rebecca she wasn’t upset in the slightest.

Lani nodded. “Okay…” She said a bit hesitantly. She was happy to get away from the large animals. She wasn’t used to experiencing so much in person. She’d never been on a merry-go-round before. She’d seen little ones in stores, but never a big one like the fair had. She reached up for her dragon when they’d left the animals. It took a second for her to use her words. “Can I have him?” She asked hopefully, not thinking to be polite until after. “Please?” Once Tom had returned him to her, she gripped it in her right arm and held Tom’s hand with her left hand. As they started getting closer she grew more fidgety and restless. The area with the rides was a lot more crowded and loud. She wasn’t too sure about how many people were surrounding her and how many loud sounds she heard. Not to mention it was quite warm and there were so many smells in the air. Charlotte was glad Rebecca was listening to her rule. Though at the same time she didn’t quite consider that to be a toy. “When we meet back up with Daddy and Lani we can see if she’s interested in that.” She suggested as a compromise. “That sounds fun!” She chirped happily as they headed over to the fun house. “Let’s go in.”

Lani gave a bit of a shrug in response to Tom’s question. “Sometimes.” She said truthfully. “I like reading about animals, but I really like history!” She said excitedly. “It’s my favorite! The library has lots of books about it.” It seemed even if only for a moment, Leilani was a normal child. She was talking about what she liked to do and what interested her. Sure from the outside she seemed like a much younger kid doing so, but she was happy. She clung a bit to Tom when she noticed the nearby horse and the cow barns. “They’re so big.” She said anxiously. “I didn’t know they were that big.” She said timidly, gripping onto his pant leg with both hands. “Well just because it’s normal doesn’t mean everyone is scared of heights. Plenty of people aren’t and that’s okay too.” Charlotte explained to Rebecca. As they started their descent she asked. “What do you want to do next?”

Lani wanted to say that everyone called her stupid, but she decided not to. She just nodded along and clung to Tom’s side even more now that her ice cream was finished. She hesitantly gave Tom her dragon, deciding to trust him. Though she couldn’t help but ask. “Will I get him back?” Lani was excited to try feeding the animals. She liked feeding the ones that didn’t lick her hands. As soon as one licked her hand, she pulled it away with a grimace and flapped her hand in the air for a bit. She didn’t like the sensation of that. After that she stuck mostly to petting rather than feeding. “I like alpacas a lot.” She said with a smile. She stood petting it over and over again. “I’ve never seen one in real life before!” She seemed so excited to touch an animal she’d only read about in books. Charlotte smiled. She was more than happy to ride with Rebecca. “You don’t need to apologize sweetheart.” She said gently. To be honest she half expected this anyway. “I won’t tell your friends, I promise.” She smiled. “It’s not a baby thing to be scared of.” She said kindly. “I know tons of adults who are scared of heights. It’s perfectly reasonable and fine to be scared. We’re awfully high up! It’s normal honey.”

Lani squeezed her dragon close as they headed to get ice cream. She pointed at the lemon flavor without saying a word. Talking to the stranger running the stand was not something she wanted to do. She didn’t really understand what Tom meant about triggering words and having a conversation, but she didn’t have the energy to ask right then. She was only just starting to calm down since Tom had reassured her that they weren’t getting rid of her. Charlotte smiled and headed to the Ferris wheel line with Rebecca. As it shortened and they got closer, she turned to her. “Do you want to ride alone or with me?” She asked, not sure what her preference was. She wanted to allow Becca to be independent, but knew the first time being up so high alone could be scary. “Everything is always confusing.” Leilani said with a little shrug. She was mostly calm by this point, well as calm as she could be with how much was going on around her. She ate her ice cream while they walked around. “I’m not stupid.” She repeated in a sad tone. “I’m not.” It was clear that the word had hit her hard and clearly bothered her more than most kids. With Tom trying to point out rides to Lani, but finding that she was too small for many, Lani hesitantly looked up at Tom when she saw a petting zoo area in the distance. “Can we see the animals please?” She asked hopefully, her personality coming back to her voice again. She was keeping a very tight grip on Tom’s hand the whole time. Once her ice cream was gone she held her dragon to her chest. She wanted to see the animals really bad so she really wanted to push through how overstimulated she was starting to feel.

Lani looked confused when Tom explained to her how Rebecca probably felt. She shook her head honestly, tears still flowing down her face. She didn’t understand why she felt that way. “I didn’t say that!” She said insistently, though no longer yelling. She worried a bit that Tom thought she did. She could see how Rebecca would be hurt if she said that, but she didn’t. Maybe the girl just misunderstood her. It seemed like everyone always did anyway, so it wasn’t a new concept for Lani. She shook her head. “I don’t hate her.” She said in a calmer tone. “Hating is mean.” She added after the fact. She had been calming down and seemed to be doing better until Tom mentioned the girls having trouble living together. Her face went pale and the big tears came back in full force, spilling out immediately. “No! I’ll be good! I don’t wanna go!” She sobbed uncontrollably, starting to hyperventilate. “Please!” She begged. “If I get sent away again Miss Maria said I wouldn’t get to see Mommy!” She was shaking, the poor little girl was so scared that she’d messed up in a big way. “I promise!” Charlotte smiled and walked out with Rebecca. “Let’s go see if you’re tall enough.” She said gently. They went to the fair every year, and Rebecca had been too short to do a lot of rides last year. She didn’t want to wait in line for ages just to be turned away. She knew her daughter was still a bit short and would have a few limitations still. They walked up beside the line to the measurement stand and Charlotte frowned a bit. “You’re a bit too short still, honey. I’m sure you can ride next year. Let’s go find something else to do. We can go on the big Ferris wheel if you want. You’re big enough to go on that one alone this year.” She suggested in a cheery voice, not wanting her daughter to be too disappointed.

Lani didn’t look at Tom as he explained the difference. She understood what he was saying, but still didn’t see what was wrong with what she said. All she said was that she wasn’t Rebecca’s friend. That didn’t go against anything he was explaining to her. What was wrong with what she said? They weren’t friends and Lani didn’t have a desire to be her friend. School taught her that she didn’t need to be everyone’s friend, just that she needed to be nice. In her mind she’d been perfectly nice to Rebecca aside from when she instigated things. She felt tears well up in her eyes as he continued on. It felt like he was blaming her. All she said was that she wasn’t her friend! She was getting increasingly upset and frustrated the more he said. She clenched her eyes shut and threw her arms down in frustration. If she’d been on her feet she’d have stomped them. “She touched me! I said she’s not my friend! She called me stupid!” She yelled unhappily. She hadn’t meant to raise her voice but she was too emotional to help it. “I’m not stupid!” Huge tears were pouring down her face. It was clear that not only did Rebecca strike a nerve, but that Lani must be feeling safer if she was willing to yell and act out in front of Tom. She was so used to being called stupid by almost everyone around her, adults and kids alike, and she hated it. What was just sadness and disappointment a moment ago, had turned into frustration and anger. She didn’t understand what was wrong with what she said. It felt like Tom was scolding her but she didn’t know why. He didn’t tell her explicitly what she did wrong so she didn’t know. He didn’t seem to be upset about the yelling, so she was clueless.

Charlotte nodded. “Thank you for paying attention to your body.” She said as they headed to the bathroom near the first aid station. They wouldn’t have to go into where Lani and Tom are luckily. ”That’s completely fair. I don’t think it would be received well right now anyway.” She said gently. She was glad Rebecca took it upon herself to apologize without being prompted. Lani shrugged and stared at the dragon in her lap. “She didn’t hit me.” She said honestly. She didn’t really know why her lip got a little bloody. She didn’t do it intentionally and hadn’t even noticed it until Tom pointed it out to her. She squirmed a bit more than usual when he asked her about what she said. She was certainly going to be in trouble for that. She just hoped it wouldn’t be bad enough to send her away. She was struggling to think of how to respond, so she was focusing really hard. “She said she was being my friend.” She said with a little shrug. “She’s not my friend.” Her voice was nonchalant. She didn’t see what was wrong with what she said. She just met her and the girl had been much too overbearing for her liking. In her mind, she was just stating a fact. She sighed a bit and stared down still. “Do I have to go? Cuz I said something bad?” She asked sadly. She had been so excited for the fair but now she probably wouldn’t get to have fun. “They make me sit out if I say something bad at school.” Her voice was full of sadness. The way she spoke about it indicated she’d experienced sitting out of fun activities more than once.

Lani was too scared to say anything when Tom yelled at Rebecca. She flinched and stiffened up, her posture straight as a board. She didn’t know what to do and was still struggling not to cry. “I’m sorry!” She squeaked instinctively as soon as Tom picked her up. He was being gentle, but her anxiety was still high. As he carried her and remained calm, she started to relax a bit, gripping as tightly to him and her dragon as she could. She didn’t really realize she’d bit her lip so hard. It hadn’t been bloody enough for her to taste it or anything, just enough to break the skin. Charlotte took a deep breath and kneeled down with Rebecca. “I heard everything Becca.” She said in a calm and even tone. “I know you know it’s not okay to call someone stupid. Daddy already scolded you so I’m not going to.” She continued, modeling deep breaths for her daughter. “Calling her not smart is not nice either. Maybe she does things differently than you’re used to, but that’s not a reason to call her not smart. I believe you that you didn’t hit her. It’s alright.” She gave her a big hug. “Take some deep breaths and then we can go do what you want. We drove all this way to have fun. I don’t want you being upset the entire time.”

Charlotte took a deep breath before she got out of the car. She hoped the rest of the day would go more smoothly. “Okay. Does anyone need the bathroom right now? The first aid station is the only real bathroom here. Everything else is a porta potty.” She explained to both kids and Tom. “Let’s go get our wristbands then we can see what everyone wants to do.” When they got to the ticket booth she turned to Tom. “Maybe wait to see if Lani likes the idea of any of the rides before we get her one?” She suggested. Lani had a little bit of a bloody lip and a tear stained face when Tom retrieved her from the backseat. She had bit her lip so hard from trying to restrain herself. She wanted to push or hit Rebecca, but she knew if she did that she’d get sent away again. She grabbed her dragon and set down her empty water bottle, keeping her eyes on the ground. She didn’t dare say anything to the adults, for fear of them not wanting her anymore.

Charlotte sighed. “I guess you’re right. I just worry. And you know this isn’t how we had planned things to go.” She frowned as the girls continued to fight. She was shocked to hear Rebecca call Lani stupid. She didn’t think her daughter would ever say that. She didn’t say anything though, since Tom already did. Lani scowled and clenched her fists when Rebecca fought back. “I’m not stupid!” She protested back, yelling once again. Her heart was racing. This is usually where things would evolve into another kid hitting or pushing Lani and her fighting back. She had tears welling up in her eyes. She hated being called stupid. Even if deep down she thought she was stupid. She was so used to hearing it from everyone, but that didn’t mean she’d let this new girl call her that! She bit her lip hard and stared at her lap, squeezing her dragon tightly to her chest. She had no way to calm herself down, because she’d never been taught or shown such a thing. She didn’t know what to do so she just sat there silently, tears rolling down her face.

Lani frowned when Rebecca grabbed her hand. She didn’t like this one bit. “Don’t touch me!” She yelled unhappily. She was used to standing up to other kids and yelling at them, even though she’d never do that to an adult. She jammed the pencil back in the box and went back to her own coloring. “You’re not my friend.” She said in a meaner tone than she realized or intended. She was upset and didn’t like having to share and didn’t like Rebecca grabbing her. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, she was just stating a fact. She squirmed in her car seat some more, hugging her dragon and drinking her water as she silently focused on her coloring. Charlotte sighed and looked over at Tom when she heard Lani yell. She started worrying if it was a good idea to take them on such a long car ride together.

Lani was content with her coloring book. She was enjoying coloring in her favorite Bluey characters. She was extremely focused. She was happy to have a water bottle given to her even if it was by Charlotte. She decided to trust it since Rebecca got one too and she did like being able to drink whenever she wanted. She still wasn’t used to that. She frowned a bit when Rebecca asked her to share. She wanted to say no. She wanted to have her things for herself! She never got to have anything! Tom said all the things he got her were for her. Why did Rebecca want to use her pencils? She didn’t say a word though. She put her pencil back in the box and handed Rebecca the black one. She squirmed silently while she waited, unable to color herself. She had a kind of rule she made for herself. She only took out one pencil at a time. Because the other girl was using one, she had to wait now.

“Well we have the extra clothes for Rebecca in the car.” Charlotte said with a shrug. “I just thought you’d want to have a spare set in case she gets dirty or anything. We haven’t really seen her playing or doing much so we don’t know how dirty she tends to get. You’re the one who mentioned it last night.” After a bit more talking, they came to an agreement and she grabbed an extra set of clothes for Lani from her room. She figured they’d just leave them in the car just in case, since they did that with Rebecca as well. She also grabbed some of Lani’s more portable toys and put them into one of Rebecca’s old backpacks. She headed to the car with Rebecca and handed Tom Lani’s bag so he could do what he pleased with it. Lani didn’t say anything at first. She didn’t know any of the characters in the coloring book and had never watched much media of princesses. “Thank you.” She said out of obligation. In the car, Lani gently set down the princess coloring book Rebecca had given her. She didn’t have much interest in it and she didn’t want to do something wrong. When she had her own bag, she took out one of her coloring books and her colored pencils. She liked having her own things for once. She usually had to share everything since she only got to do things like color or play at school.

“That sounds like a very nice idea.” Charlotte said warmly. “It’s over an hour away if I’m remembering right.” She said after a moment of thinking. While she gathered everything up she watched as Tom tried doing Lani’s hair. Her heart still twinged with sadness. She had hoped to be doting on the little girl and doing things like braiding her hair, but Lani wanted nothing to do with her. She shook her head and got her shoes on after her bag was packed. “Do you have a spare set of clothes or other things for Lani packed yet?” She asked Tom. Lani scarfed down her food in her usual fashion. She had two helpings before there wasn’t anything left. She was doing her best to sit still when Tom did her hair, but like she always did, she couldn’t help but squirm and fidget, even after she finished eating. She made sure she held on tight to her dragon when it was time to head to the car. She didn’t want to risk losing him. She didn’t say anything to Rebecca even as they got into the car. She still wasn’t too comfortable around anyone but Tom.

Lani’s face relaxed a bit as a small smile formed. She was happy to be able to take her new friend with her. She squeezed him closer to her chest and rubbed his fur against her face. “Thank you.” She said politely. She shrugged and nodded when asked about her hair. She was antsy to get eating. Despite having been there for a little while now, she was still worried about not having enough to eat. “Sure thing sweetie.” Charlotte chirped. She sat down on a chair behind Rebecca and started brushing her hair. She sectioned her hair into two parts and gently brushed it out as she did two beautiful French braids. When they were done she attached two hairties to the bottoms and then the bow clips. “All done!” She said with a smile. “Do you want to get something to do in the car ride? I’m not sure if Lani will still be quiet and not too sociable.” She suggested when she handed the brush back to her daughter. “I’m gonna get my purse ready and make sure we have some waters and everything.”

Lani nodded quietly. She still didn’t know what to say to anything Tom was talking to her about, but she was starting to relax again. She may have been silent but she was thinking intently and deeply about what he was saying to her. He was being so kind and soft to her, things she wasn’t used to at home. When she was dressed in a yellow top and some pink shorts, she was mostly better. She grabbed her dragon off the bed and hesitantly looked up at Tom. “Can I take him?” She asked quietly, wanting the new found comfort of her plush friend. She may not have responded to anything he was talking about, but it was clear that Lani was doing better than she was earlier.

Lani nodded without much thought as Tom continued to talk to her. She didn’t know how to voice that she didn’t like being taken to the bathroom naked. She just knew she didn’t like it. But without a reason or explanation, she didn’t feel she could say something even if her voice would cooperate. She immediately averted her eyes when he tried to initiate eye contact. She never liked having to look people in the eyes. She nodded quickly though. She didn’t know how else she was supposed to respond when asked if she was okay or not. Her feelings weren’t ever a topic of discussion in her home.

Lani stayed quiet in the bath, mostly looking down at her lap. She didn’t know what to say or do but just knew she didn’t like what just happened. She nodded along about the fair. She’d seen the rides and the games on TV but not much else. It seemed fun and interesting from what she’d seen. She was definitely excited to do something so big and fun out of the house. She wasn’t used to getting out much at all. Charlotte smiled and thought for a moment. “Eat your breakfast then I can do something with your hair. How about two French braids?” She suggested warmly. With Leilani being so attached to her husband, she was happy to spend more time with her biological daughter.

Leilani looked down when Tom started talking about her being upset. She didn’t even know how to talk about her feelings. It was something almost forbidden in her home. She stiffened and let out a small whimper when Tom started carrying her naked down the hall. She felt tears in her eyes again and her stomach hurt a bit. She didn’t like feeling so exposed and didn’t like the idea of Rebecca or Charlotte seeing her naked. She didn’t want to fight with him though since he’d been nothing but nice to her. He was even cleaning her up and being gentle about her bedwetting so she really couldn’t tell him she didn’t like it. She didn’t respond to him now. She just stared silently at her feet as the bath filled. She left her dragon in her room when he’d stripped off her wet clothes. She wanted to tell him that she missed her mom and she didn’t like how everything was new and changing, but she couldn’t. It’s like her voice was broken. She just couldn’t get any words out. Charlotte smiled. “I’m glad you like it.” She said warmly. She was glad Rebecca was understanding of her answer. They weren’t rich necessarily but they could afford to spoil their daughter every now and then and she never really wanted for anything most of the time. Still they didn’t like wasting money and tried to only buy things that would last rather than things that would get thrown out or donated within a month. “Daddy is probably getting ready still and I don’t think Lani will come down without him.” She said as she put the food on the table. “So you can go ahead and eat if you’d like then you can go get dressed.”

Olivia rolled up the bag of popcorn and headed out of the theater with her friend. She figured they’d snack on the popcorn later, or she could make a snack mix with it to not be wasteful. “Okay I’ll be right out here.” She said when Vivian was heading to the bathroom. She didn’t need to go despite having had her entire large soda. While she waited she tossed out the cups from their drinks. “So how do we want to handle grocery expenses?” She asked when Vivian returned and they headed to the car. “Alternate trips, split the costs fifty fifty, or some other idea?”

Lani looked down at her lap when Tom came into her room. She was embarrassed and her face still red from crying. She didn’t know what to say. At home she didn’t have anyone to talk to about a bad dream. She used to try but her mother wasn’t very kind and usually told her to get over it. She nodded about the bath though. Getting cleaned up would be really nice. “I’m not in trouble?” She asked a little hesitantly. He’d told her before she wouldn’t be, but she was still really scared about it. Charlotte smiled. “I’m glad sweetie.” She said warmly. She didn’t fully understand Rebecca’s need to announce every morning that she didn’t wet the bed since it typically only happened once in a while, but she didn’t see the harm in it. She sighed a bit about the money question. They’d already gotten her very expensive toys the day before at the store so she didn’t really appreciate Rebecca asking for money for things so soon. “We’ll get snacks and the ride wristbands again as usual and then we’ll see about anything else later.” She explained. They realized fairly early that getting the unlimited rides wristbands were more cost effective than individual tickets for rides. “We always end up getting rid of any of those little prizes from the games within a month.” She reminded Rebecca. At age ten she felt her daughter was old enough to understand the concept of how wasteful the carnival type games were when they usually ended up in someone being upset they didn’t win or winning a cheap toy that gets forgotten fairly quickly. “You just got the big bead set and your new robot yesterday.” She reminded gently.

“I think that’s the best thing you can do for now really.” Olivia agreed. “Take time for yourself and focus on you. You’ll find someone when the time is right.” Despite being single for quite a long time, Olivia was always optimistic about other people’s relationships and romantic lives. She laughed and rolled her eyes a bit when Vivian made the comment about the children’s movie preview. When the movie started, she was excited. She enjoyed it throughout. She knew going in it wasn’t a movie specifically for children. It wasn’t necessarily inappropriate for kids, but adults were definitely the target audience. It was actually pretty funny even for somebody like Olivia who didn’t usually like funny movies. By the time the movie was over, she’d finished her entire large soda and had eaten her fair share of the popcorn.

Charlotte frowned. She didn’t want to talk poorly of Lani’s mother, but she also couldn’t argue with Tom since he was the only one Lani was even talking to. “Well I mean some people don’t like to wash stuffed animals and don’t think they can be washed.” She suggested half heartedly. “And we can’t blame them for being poor. Not everyone is as fortunate as we are.” She sighed. “I mean I guess if they don’t qualify for the bus then there might not be another option aside from her walking to school. I just hope for her safety she lived in a safe neighborhood, but if they’re poor I doubt that’s the case.” “Going to the doctor isn’t a bad idea. But I think it’s a good idea to just wait on that. I don’t think she’d take too well to being brought to the doctor so soon after meeting us.” She said with a frown. “But I can start talking to her social worker about getting on the necessary waitlists and getting the paperwork we need.” Once they were done talking, Charlotte turned over and went to sleep. The next morning she woke up and started getting herself ready before she went downstairs to make breakfast for the family. Lani woke up around seven in the morning from a nightmare as usual. She had tears running down her face and had bolted upright in bed. She frowned and squirmed when she realized she was wet again, as usual. She was about to get out of bed and get dressed, but then she remembered Tom told her to not get dressed until he cleaned her up if she wet the bed. She was too scared to go to his room since that required walking down the hall in her soaked pajamas. She instead just sat silently in her bed, holding her dragon to her chest. She turned his lights on and pet him softly to try to calm down.