Shy-Diapers

“Maybe you can get her to open up and talk about her mom some more.” Charlotte encouraged her husband. “She seems to be fine talking about her with you.” She sighed and nodded. “I guess all we can do is work with her while we have her. And if she does go back, just make it clear to both of them that we’re here to support them. I guess we can’t be thinking that far ahead.” Lani shrugged a bit. Rebecca was close but not quite spot on. In her mind saying ‘yet’ meant that it would happen, which she wasn’t sure about yet. “We’re not friends.” She nodded again. She shook her head a bit. “You can color with them.” She said with a small sigh. She held out the box of pencils to Rebecca, having put the one she was just using back. “I can share.” She didn’t have any desire to use Rebecca’s crayons. She didn’t get why Rebecca so badly wanted to use her pencils. She had seemingly everything a kid could ever want, surely she had pencils of her own. Why did she want Lani’s pencils?

Charlotte sighed and frowned. “You were right, I’ll admit it.” She said genuinely. “Do we know what exactly her mom is sick with?” She asked curiously. “Her file didn’t say anything about it at all.” “I mean I can’t blame her for being scared. She went through what, seven foster homes before she got to us? I’d be scared too honestly.” She said sadly, her heart aching for the little girl. “I guess all we can do is show her as much love as possible. I’m not too keen on the fact her mother is going to be allowed to have visits with her though if that’s how she really treats her daughter.” Charlotte said with a heavy sigh. Lani shook her head, not looking up from her coloring book. “I said we’re not friends.” She said with a little shrug. She didn’t really know how to explain what she meant to Rebecca. In her mind, she made perfect sense and Rebecca was the confusing one with confusing interpretations of what she said. “I wasn’t being mean.” She was fine talking with Rebecca in this way for the time being. She didn’t like making eye contact with people so she was much happier to keep coloring. “I can share.” She said calmly. She didn’t necessarily mind sharing, but she didn’t like her pencils being out of place. “You can only use one at a time.” She explained her reasoning. It wouldn’t make much sense to anybody, but it was how her brain worked and how she did things.

Lani looked over at Rebecca. She was listening to everything she said. She wasn’t used to having anyone apologize to her, so she didn’t quite know what to say. “I don’t hate you.” She said without much thought. She didn’t really get why Rebecca thought she hated her. She didn’t want her to think she did though. She didn’t know what else to say to the bigger girl so she just went back to her coloring book. She didn’t want to make her mad. Charlotte frowned. “I guess that makes sense. She was covering her ears when she was throwing a fit earlier.” She remembered after some thought. “I don’t know her exact neighborhood but I know her school isn’t very good at all. There’s a lot of behavioral issues and not many resources or money.” She sighed and looked back at Lani in the mirror. “She seems so scared of us replacing her mom.” She mused. “Maybe she thinks I’m going to replace her if she accepts help from me.” She sighed and shook her head. “I’m starting to wonder about her mother. Sure a lot of this is explainable, but even if they have no money I don’t see why you wouldn’t tell your kid they’re special…..”

Charlotte sighed. “You’re not a monster sweetheart. You feel bad for Lani. You’re feeling empathy right now. That’s when you feel emotions for someone else and what’s happening to them.” She explained gently, heading towards the bathrooms at the entrance. “You don’t have to be quiet.” She said once they were done in the bathroom. “But it might be a good idea to give her some space. I think she’s having a hard time and probably just wants some quiet time.” Lani was quiet when Charlotte and Rebecca came to the car. She felt anxious that Rebecca was going to be mad at her. She seemed relieved when she didn’t say anything to her. She stared at her coloring book for a while before speaking up. “I’m sorry I was bad and cried.” She said to Charlotte in a sad voice. Tom had seemed like he really wanted her to apologize, so she wanted to be good. She didn’t really understand why she had to apologize, nor what she was apologizing for exactly. That seemed somewhat clear in how she phrased her apology. Charlotte looked over at Tom, unsure what to say in response to Lani’s apology. She didn’t understand why she was saying she was bad, or apologizing for crying. She glanced back at the girls and noticed Rebecca’s lack of seatbelt. “Buckle up Becks.” She said, still unsure what to say to Leilani.

“Yeah we can do that. How about I talk to Daddy and see if Lani feels up to getting ice cream or something?” Charlotte suggested with a smile. She frowned when Rebecca started to cry. She sighed and took a deep breath. “Becks, think of all the fun you had today. I don’t know why Lani isn’t having fun, but I know you did. You got to ride some things, make jewelry, you got to do the bumper cars with Daddy.” She said gently, trying to get her to look on the bright side. Lani shrugged when Tom tried talking to her about believing in herself. She didn’t really have the ability to fully understand what he meant. She wasn’t used to anyone believing in her. She had no real support system or sense of security so she couldn’t start to believe in herself. She just went back to her coloring book, wanting to keep herself entertained. She was just happy to be away from how busy and harsh the fair was. Plus Tom said they’d be going home soon.

Lani smiled. Tom seemed so happy with her picture! She’d never experienced that before! She blushed a little as he put it on the dash and said she was special. “You think I’m special?” She said in surprise. “Mommy says I’m not special at all.” She said casually, still smiling at the idea of being told she was special. It wasn’t something she was used to being called by a caregiver. Charlotte smiled and took a few pictures of Rebecca riding the pony before Tom called. She made sure Rebecca was at her side when she answered the phone. “Okay I’ll see if she wants to do one more thing and then we’ll see you out at the car.” She said before hanging up. “Lani is having a hard time and doesn’t want to stay. Daddy said we can either do one more thing and then go to the car, or we can just head to the car right away. Which do you want to do?” She asked, patiently waiting.

Charlotte smiled. She liked seeing Rebecca so happy. “Go ahead kiddo, it’s your turn. Make sure you listen to what they tell you.” She reminded her gently, not wanting her daughter to get so caught up in the excitement she didn’t listen and risked hurting herself or the horse. Lani nodded. “I don’t like loud noises at all!” She said emphatically. She definitely seemed very certain of what she was saying and had no signs of exaggeration. She nodded and seemed agreeable with Tom’s suggestion. She was perfectly content to keep coloring. She seemed so much more at peace and relaxed than she did at the fair. When she finished her picture of Bingo, she carefully ripped it out and held it up to Tom. She wanted him to have it, but was a bit too shy to tell him. Her mother never cared about her pictures, but Lani still liked giving people she cared about things that she made.

Lani nodded. She leaned against Tom and continued to color. She was still squirming and fidgeting in her place, but nowhere near as much as she was earlier. She bit her lip and tried to think of the words to describe how she felt when he asked her why she didn’t like the fair. “It’s loud and too much.” She informed him after some thinking. She didn’t quite feel like that did her feelings justice, but she didn’t know what else she could say. Charlotte glanced at her phone and sighed a bit. So much for getting everyone together. She thought to herself. She sent a quick text back agreeing before turning her attention to Rebecca. “Becks don’t pull on me please.” She said gently. She was happy to see her daughter so excited, but she knew that Rebecca was too old to be pulling on her mother for something she wanted. “You can ride one of the horses, yes. Just be patient. They won’t leave before we get there I promise.” She added, once again in a gentle tone. She walked over to the animals and didn’t mind paying extra for the pony ride.

Lani nodded along with what Tom was saying. She didn’t really understand what he meant exactly, but was too afraid to be told she was arguing if she tried to ask for clarification. She decided she’d just try her best to understand the differences between him and her mother. She was happy that he said she wouldn’t go anywhere. She really wanted to believe him. They’d certainly kept her around for much longer than anybody else had, even after wetting the bed and having a daytime accident, plus not getting along with Rebecca. When he mentioned going back to the fair she frowned. The car was so quiet and calm. There weren’t tons of lights or sounds or people in the car! She squirmed around more and stared at her lap. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing and get in trouble, but she had no desire to go back to that busy place! “Do I have to?” She asked hesitantly, clearly not thrilled by the idea. “Sure thing sweetie! We can do whatever you’d like!” Charlotte said happily. She put Rebecca’s creations in her purse and headed to the rides to see what they could do.

Lani nodded and grabbed her Bluey coloring book. She got out her colored pencils and started coloring a picture of Bingo. She was a bit confused when Tom was talking about adults. “Mommy said I have to listen to grownups because they know everything and I’m just a kid.” She said with a small shrug. “Grownups are perfect and I’m ‘sposed to listen to them no matter what.” She said matter of factly, parroting her mother’s words again. She looked up at Tom at one point. “Back where?” She asked in confusion. She was scared of getting sent to a group home because she’d been told she wouldn’t get to see her mother again if she did. She wasn’t really afraid of being sent back anywhere she’d already been. Nobody seemed to want her anyway.

Lani looked down at her lap. She felt bad about asking if she’d be sent away. Tom seemed annoyed by it. She’d only been there for a few days at this point. She decided to try her absolute best though. She’d just have to remember not to say it out loud, even if she felt it inside. She looked up at him a little confused at his last statement. “Grown ups don’t need to apologize.” She said with a small scowl. “They don’t make mistakes and they know more than kids.” She parroted her upbringing back to him, being confused by the conflict between the two ideas. She sighed and rubbed her eyes. The day had been so hard for her and in a lot of ways she was left more confused and uncertain about what was and wasn’t okay. She was always desperately trying to be as good as possible, but as it so often seemed, bad things and trouble just somehow managed to find her. “Can I color please?” She asked hesitantly. Her voice was small and hesitant. She didn’t know what might get her in trouble at this point. She had no desire to go back to the fair where everything was bright and loud and there were so many people. She kept her thumb in her mouth the whole time they were talking. This was the most she’d sucked her thumb since arriving.

Lani nodded. She didn’t love the idea of Charlotte knowing, but it made sense. Tom did say he’d have to tell her she wet the bed. “I don’t do it all the time, I promise.” She insisted sadly. “I didn’t mean to! It’s never happened before…” She whimpered out. She nodded and allowed Tom to change her. She was too upset and stressed to think about doing it herself. She really liked how kind he was about cleaning her up. He wasn’t mad or anything. Though she didn’t really understand why he was upset about earlier, but not her accident. She didn’t do either on purpose and didn’t know why they happened either. She kept her thumb in her mouth and her dragon close while Tom cleaned her up. She was too stressed to worry about not being seen as a baby.

Lani cried as Tom carried her away. She was so upset and embarrassed. She didn’t understand why she had an accident after not even thirty minutes of holding it. She didn’t have a great concept of time, but knew she wasn’t holding it that long. She put her thumb in her mouth as she cried, listening to Tom list off her options. “I wanna change here.” She whimpered out quietly. “I don’t want anyone to know!” She whimpered again when Tom suggested Charlotte and Rebecca finding out. She hugged him tight and kept her thumb firmly in her mouth as he spoke to her and eventually started getting her changed. She made sure her dragon was close to her chest. Her face was bright red from crying and embarrassment. The little girl was having such a hard time today.

Leilani was relieved when Tom took her away from the porta potties. She didn’t like anything about those contraptions. Almost as soon as they got into the large family bathroom, she couldn’t hold it anymore. She looked up at Tom so scared and upset as her shorts got darker as her bladder gave way and started forming a puddle under her feet. She had tears in her eyes and was so confused and upset. She couldn’t remember ever wetting herself in the day! Sure she wet the bed every single night for quite a while now, but never in the day! “I’m sorry!” She cried, her tears overflowing as her little body shook. “I didn’t mean to!” Tom kept telling her they were going to keep her around, but surely he wouldn’t after this! “That’s very kind of you Becks. You can make something for yourself too.” Charlotte insisted. “I’m sure she’ll warm up soon. I’m not sure what’s going on with her but I know it’s been really difficult for you.” The last bit of what she said did make Charlotte wonder. Neither Maria nor Leilani’s file mentioned anything about a father. She wondered if he was in the girl’s life at all and if maybe he just wasn’t contacted to take her. She wondered if he was in the military and deployed somewhere or something. She made a mental note to ask Tom if he’d heard about her father yet.

Lani followed along with Tom to the porta potties. She’d never seen one before and they seemed awfully scary. She looked up at Tom anxiously, but after what had just happened, she was too scared to say anything. She fidgeted in place anxiously and looked down at her feet. She didn’t want to make him more upset or disappointed with her. She squeezed her dragon tighter to her chest and couldn’t help but take a step back when one of the doors opened a few feet ahead of them and she could smell how awful it was in there. She was trying her absolute hardest not to make a fuss about anything, not the fear of these cramped and smelly toilets nor the amount of people around them, or even that she needed to go pretty badly. “It’s beautiful. You’re so sweet.” Charlotte said with a smile. She was so happy to see her daughter acting like herself again.

Lani nodded adamantly. “They’re too much.” She said in the best way she could. She didn’t think that bright and loud really explained what was wrong. She nodded and stood up with Tom to walk to the jewelry making. She was hesitant since he said it would be noisy, but she wanted to be good and try it. As they started walking over, Lani stopped and tugged on his arm. “I gotta go!” She said with a slight whine. She was embarrassed about telling him she needed the bathroom, but she did tell him she would do that in exchange for not asking her so much. She was squirming and fidgeting from foot to foot in her place while she looked up at him. She really needed to go all of a sudden and the urge came out of nowhere. She felt like she needed to go right away though.

Lani shook her head. “She didn’t hurt me.” She corrected softly. She sighed and stared at her lap. She didn’t really know what else she could say. “Everything is too much.” She whimpered out. She didn’t feel like Tom understood her, which wasn’t surprising. Nobody ever tried to ask what was wrong so she never learned how to talk about what was going on inside her head and body. She sniffled and rubbed her teary eyes as he continued to talk to her. She was still fidgeting as usual, but not nearly as much as before and she seemed much much calmer once they were in the quiet and shady area. She was starting to act more like herself again. “I had fun with the animals.” She pointed out to Tom. She didn’t want him to think she didn’t have any fun at all. “And I liked the merry go round.” She added. She was being truthful, both of those things were really enjoyable for the little girl. She had been laughing and smiling during both those activities. Lani shook her head. “Nobody hits me.” She responded. “Mommy says she doesn’t wanna hit or spank.” She said with a little shrug. “I have fun at school. I get to read and make things out of paper.” She informed him, wanting Tom to know she did have fun. A pattern was starting to show that everything she said she liked or had fun with was quieter and more laid back.

“That’s alright with me.” Charlotte said warmly. She was happy that Rebecca was in a better mood now. When they got to the booth, she let Rebecca do her thing. She hadn’t planned on spending the money that day, but they had plenty and she wanted her to be happy. Lani sniffled and stared at her lap. Everything Tom was saying to her was hurting and upsetting her even more. She felt the tears return and fall down her face. She knew better than to argue with adults and already anticipated big trouble after what happened. She shook her head. “I don’t hate her.” She insisted quietly. She sighed and squirmed in place some more. She didn’t really have the words for how she felt. “It was too much. It hurt.” She whimpered quietly. Everything around her felt so overwhelming and painful when she got to the point of a meltdown. She stared at her lap and sighed. She didn’t know what to do or say. She never meant to be bad, she just couldn’t help it sometimes. “I didn’t mean to be bad….I wanna be good…I promise….” Her voice was small and sad, expressing more hurt than a child should ever feel. She seemed disappointed in herself and a little confused even.

“This is something different.” Charlotte explained gently as they walked. “It’s not a cheap toy you’ll get tired of in a few days. You get to make something.” She continued, wanting Rebecca to understand. She bent down and hugged Rebecca for as long as she wanted. ”I’m sure he’ll love that. You can make something for yourself too though sweetheart.” Lani sniffled and rubbed her eyes as she started to calm down. She was still fidgety and seemed somewhat on edge, but nowhere near as much as she was a little bit ago. She held her dragon close as she sniffled and tried to calm down. “I’m sorry I was bad.” She said softly. She looked down at her lap with a frown. “You’re probably gonna send me back now.” She said sadly, fully believing what she said. “Cuz I threw a fit….” She didn’t mean to cry and get upset. She couldn’t help it! But nobody ever cared about that. They only saw the behaviors and never questioned why. It wasn’t like she could fully explain it anyway.

Lani was still thrashing and crying while Tom carried her away. Him taking her back didn’t seem to be making much of a difference initially. It was only once they found a quieter and less busy part of the fair that she started to calm down a little. She was still crying and struggling, but no longer thrashing and trying to get away. It was still bright and hot outside, but the area being quieter was helping her calm down. Charlotte smiled. “I’m glad you had so much fun!” She said in a cheery voice. When she asked about Lani, she sighed and shook her head. “I don’t know honey. I wish I could tell you.” She said honestly. She looked around to see what she could do to cheer Rebecca up. “How about we go to that jewelry making booth you saw earlier?” She suggested hoping to make up for Lani’s tantrum.

By the time Tom and Rebecca were coming off the bumper cars, Lani was crying pretty hard. She was still thrashing in Charlotte’s arms and trying to get away. Her brown eyes were clenched tightly shut and she had her hands pressed hard against her ears. She wanted Tom back, yes, but that was secondary to his overwhelmed she felt. Charlotte scolding her didn’t help her feel any better either. “Leilani you can’t do this!” Charlotte scolded lightly. She knew the girl was struggling but didn’t like how much she seemed to be throwing a fit because she couldn’t be with Tom. “You’re too old to be throwing a tantrum!” She tried her best to always be calm and nice, but she really didn’t like this new behavior and didn’t want her thinking she could just throw a fit to get whatever she wanted. She sighed and looked over at Tom with an exasperated expression. “She won’t stop. She tried to run away so I had to pick her up but she’s just been throwing a fit the entire time.” When he got close enough, Charlotte happily handed the girl off to him. Trying to keep her cool, she turned to Rebecca. “Did you have fun kiddo? Run into Daddy enough times?”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s almost eight.” Charlotte insisted. “What’s the worst that can happen? She doesn’t talk to me?” She thought aloud. She didn’t think Lani would like it, but figured she’d have to get used to her eventually. Lani frowned but tried to be good and not say anything. She didn’t understand why Tom had to leave her side. He kept telling her he wouldn’t and that he was always there. Nobody was explaining it to her either which didn’t help. When everyone finished eating, Charlotte smiled. “Let’s go over to the bumper cars so you two can have fun together.” She said cheerfully. Once they got through the line, she took Lani’s hand from Tom and let Rebecca go off with him to play together. She didn’t see anything really going wrong. The bumper car area was so loud and busy. There were so many people around and everything was too loud for Lani. She didn’t even have the security of Tom to calm her down. She whined a bit and tried to run off to get away from how overwhelmed she was feeling. Her escape plan didn’t work however when Charlotte picked up the now crying and thrashing girl so she wouldn’t get lost. ”Lani it’s okay. He’ll be back soon. It’s okay.” Charlotte said, trying her best not to be annoyed at the girl’s behavior. She’d tried being patient, but it was getting increasingly difficult now that she wasn’t behaving without Tom around.

Lani ate her food without a fuss. She was still really overwhelmed, but didn’t know how to communicate that to Tom. She blushed a bit when he told her everyone was right there. Charlotte sighed. She didn’t know why Rebecca was crying about the bumper cars. She understood being jealous, but she’d been doing so well about being patient. After a bit of thinking she sighed again. “Why don’t I take Lani for a while so you two can do the bumper cars together?” She suggested hesitantly. “I’m sure she’ll be fine for a few minutes.”

“I saw a place that has chicken tenders and sandwiches. I think that’s the best option here.” Charlotte suggested and nodded in the direction of the vendor. “Everyone should be able to eat what they have.” She walked with everyone and once they’d ordered and received their food, she had the idea to eat in an indoor area with tables. “Let’s go inside to get away from the heat.” Lani had Tom get her some chicken tenders, French fries, and a lemonade. She was happy to eat the food in front of her when they got inside. She made sure her dragon was in her lap. She wasn’t eating as fast as she had the past few days, but was almost chugging the lemonade. Her squirming got more noticeable the longer they were inside. It was a very bright and echo filled room and it was starting to bother her more and more.

Lani smiled and was very reassured when she knew Tom had her in case she fell off. The security of him being so near made her able to fully enjoy the carousel. She nodded along and walked with him while he spoke to her, making sure she had her dragon. She didn’t really know if she was hungry or not, but wouldn’t turn down food if it was offered to her. She looked up at him when he was picking out the bracelets. She didn’t really understand he was getting one for her as well at first. Once she did though, she picked out a blue one. “I like blue.” She said softly. When they caught up with Rebecca and Charlotte she seemed to be squirming even more than she was before. The fair was getting so loud and she was starting to have a hard time. Charlotte answered her phone and figured out where Tom and Lani were. Once she hung up she turned to Rebecca. “We’re gonna meet up with Daddy and Lani now. That way we can eat some lunch and then do some things together.” She said cheerfully. When they met up with the other half of the family, Charlotte smiled. “How’s Lani enjoying it so far?”