Linda Josphine

Hi all, and sorry for not replying sooner, but my dammed silly computer was playing silly so-en-so's, and only just got it fixed. As up till the other day only had limited use of a friends computer, so was unable to visit some sites, like this one, but it is great to be back and able to do my things just when I wish. Now to answer the above question, I have struggled for far to many years with this, as can remember cross dressing when I was 2+, and I am now 60, comming up 61, and though I thought I was copeing with it, I was not, was not sleeping right, was not eating right, and was puting on weight. It was not until my son crossed the line and started to tell me how I was to dress, or more like how I could not, that after speaking to two close friends that knew about me being TS, just to let off steam. Well their answers made me think about everything and access my life as a whole. So after a lot of serious thinking, decided to see if it was possible to re-start the treatment again, as had to give that up first time around due to the reactions of the children, as my wife had died of cancer, so I was a single parent, and the children had to come first. But my youngest is now 30, coming up 31 this May, have given them enough time, it is my time now, for me to live my life in the right gender for me, and keeping bits that have always felt wrong and out of place for me, is no longer an option. My late wife Sarah gave me a very good bit of advice just before she died, god bless her, she said, "Do not die with regrets". So I do not have any intentions of doing so, may not have much time left, but I am sure going to live it to the full, and that means me being the me I should have always been, a female, so having bits that have no place on a female body is not an option unless there is some medical reason for not doing so. Plus finding someone as understanding as my late wife is a very hard thing or person to find out there. So even if I remain on my own for whatever time I have, so be it, but I will be me and at peace from within, as nothing else could even come close, so it is all or nothing, shit or bust you could say, it is my life, my journey, my puzzel of where I fit and what is right for me. Have know it was the right thing for years, tried to bury it, push it away for far to long, have no intention of going back to what I had, as it was making me ill, shorting my life without me knowning, so I intend to go for it and live my life to the full in every way possible. Hope that answers that, if not ask away, only too happy to answer anything, as I am not ashamed of being me, or me being TS, and the other part is a relaxing role play, which was more my late wifes thing, but still enjoy the baby bit from time to time, brings back a lot of very nice sweet memories, but that is not who I am, I am female, I am me!!!!

Thank you for taking the time to write, I know hormones are not going to turn back the clock or anything, but just know it is right for me. As since I made the decision to stop living my life and worrying about what everyone else thinks or wants of me, am sleeping better, feel better within myself, and ever been able to loose weight, all good things, to hell with them all if they can not see it is only doing me good. Also if my family can not accept and love me for me being me, whats the point, as that is not real love, yes it is going to be hard loosing anyone, but it will show me if they do really love me, as my son sure did not, as he has even taken me off of this friends on facebook, now his type of love is so very hollow, kept telling me how much he loved me, but when shove came to push, he's off, faster than a hare, can do without that sort of love, as it is a worthless type of love, only good while I live my life the way he decides, but surprise surprise, I woke up, going to live my life for me and my way too, as it is after all my life, not his. As real love is something I now know he will never ever understand no matter how old he gets, and I now pity him, he is just sad, but me, well know that in the end I will be far happier and so much more at peace with myself from within, and that is all that really matters after all.

Sorry all for not keeping everyone up dated sooner, but been very busy, plus a lot going on, first I have now got an appointment at Charing Cross in May, so a step nearer my own personal goal there, but still not a word from my son, which is of no great surprise really, but one can always keep hoping, plus have a planed night out with very close friends now plan and a date set at the end of this month, be able to be the real me for once, really looking forward to that, as it is the real inner me going out, not the one the world sees every day, my female self, and plus about to to re-start electrolysis this week at my local collage, should help to cuty down the need to shave so much, and the more I get, the less need there will be, and no charge either, can't be bad. So things are moving along quite nicely now, still get the odd moment of feeling down from all the hurtful things my son said, but over all keeping tyhings going and myself cheerful , in fact quite happy all things concidered, well that is about it, bye for now.

Just to keep everyone up to date, wrote to my dear son explaining lots of things about the past that he had conmpletely wrong, and also that I was thinking about re-starting my own personal treatment for being TS. Got a very nasty bitter phone call back, telling me that was it, he no longer wishes to speak or know me, it was sadly my sons old thing, him, him, and him all over again, how it effects him, what it will do to him, how it ruined his life, never a thought about what it is doing to me, or has over the last few years, it was me being out of order yet again, well sorry, but it is my life now, given him 30 years, so he knows where I am, and it will not stop me, true had a few very bad days afterwards, as it is heart breaking hearing that sort of thing from your own son, but only got to see him once in every two years, one if I was very lucky, so will not be effecting my life very much at all, but back nearly to old self, but plans have not changed, as think I owe myself another go at finding my own inner happiness.

I did have some counseling the frist time around, the first bit on the NHS was a compleat waste of time, but in the end I was passed to some other counseling run by a charity, which was really good, but sadly just as we was making headway, my counselor was offered a much better job and left, and I really could not see the point of starting all over again with a new person, but I know there is good counselling out there, just have to find it. as I have never been ashamed of who I am, or what I am, it is just getting there. But to keep you all up-dated, will not be seeing my local psychiatrist, as heard from CX to-day with what is the standard form to fill in, so one more small step forward, get there even if it is an inch at a time. To also answer something from another earier post here, they did not know how some TG/TS's survive this long, well in my case nearly didn't, that's why I had treatment the first time, but owing to the fact I was bringing up children on my own after my wife died, had to stop for them, and was so good at pushing it and my own feelings away, did not realise to just a while back how badly it was still affecting me, so hence where I am now, but once more thank you to everyone that has offered views and advice, it is really heart warming.

Thanks for your very kind reply, and very pleased to hear you found the same, but some of the things did surpize me just how quickly they sorted themselfs, really did not realise I was under that sort of pressure or stress, must have sneaked up on me without me realising, was putting poor sleep down to age and all the interrupted nights I had with my aging dogs [all sadly gone now, last one at sixteen and a half] , just put that down to that, but could not have been, as I have found out, feel so silly for letting it get that bad, but then sometimes you can not see the wood for the trees, and thank you once again.

Hi just a quick update, since seeing my doctor, don't really know why, but am happier within myself, seems the spring in my step has returned, sleeping far far better, getting at least 6 hours at a go, instead of 1, 2, or 3's at the best, am even losing some weight, which I have been trying to do for ages, so far so good, and thats before any appointment has come though, so don't know what it will be like then, hopefully can only get better, and bless you all for your advice and help.

It will be a great price to pay, loosing all contact with my son, asa I love him dearly, but just cannot go on like this any longer, and I know even with the cost, I will be so much happier, and not only on the outside that others can see, but deep down inside, just will not be made to stay living in my personal living hell, and thank you for your reply, graetly appreciated, and thank you for showing you care.

Just to keep all you lovely people that tried to advise and showed so much kindness, I made the decistion to see my GP, saw him this last Wednesday, now awaiting a letter giving me an appointment somewhere, but at least I have taken a step, and one for me and me alone, know you will all wish me well, and I do thank every last one of you, bless you all.

The only way I managed any at all was by going to a colledge, as was on benefits bringing up my children on my own, the girls loved having me, and the tutor, well the second one was very good, the first one left, and it was she that got it wrong on me. did try very hard for it on the NHS, plus my doctor of then tried everything he could to help me get it, but no luck, so that was a small reason with the two bigger ones that forced me to stop last time, but been doing some checking up on that too, can ask to be refered by whoever you see at Charing Cross, last time all they said was see your GP, this time I am not going to fobed off there, plus things have changed a bit since I was last there, will not see the one I last saw, but never liked him, so no great loss, all he ever did was talk down to you as if you was some sort of idiot, and I know only to well you don't have to like them to get the right treatment. As all he wanted to hear was a start date for role change, only got 7 appointments, but knew others that had been going for twice that long, if not longer, just needed a bit longer, but no he would not hear of it. The last visit was more of make your mind up on the spot, or go away, so I had to go away, but now with any luck, going back, as don't get rid of me that easy.

Had the same electrolysis for the first 2/3 times, but it was leaving large blisters, which was starting to scar, so had to move to regular electrolysis, I wish you well with your financial problems, hope you solve them sooner, and be able to move on up, and a big thank you for your reply.

Thank you for your reply, and pleased you found it inspiring, just hope it inspires you on and upwards.

Been trying to post this in answer for a couple of days, last time something went wrong, more klikely me, but trying once more. The last time on treatment, I was taking hormones, so have a bust already:rolleyes: . The two reasons for stoping last time was my son, now 30, he was having great trouble with it:angry: , and then Charing Cross was pushing very very hard for a date for me to start my transition, I was more than ready, but the children were not, so was put on hold, well that is how they put it. But no longer really have them problems now, I also had all the silly name calling whilst out and about, mainly due to my late in-laws and their bigoted veiws and lies they spread around, and all that without me ever being seen outside as the real me, so have a good idear of what if anything could happen again. Also already know who I would loose as regards family, there would be my brother, as he told me last time he would dis-own me if it happened, know that will not have changed, my son would also dis-own me, but have already given him enough of my life to date. My daughter would I think accept it, but then her husband is a different matter, and one I am not too sure about, but feel he would be against, my sister was willilling to stand by me last time, can not see that that would have changed either, but they all either lived with me or close by then, they have all moved away, apart from my brother, so only he now lives in the same town/city as me. I also have one thing I did not have last time, some very nice and close friends that already know I am TS, all female I may add, apart from two male gay friends, so feel I have more support this time if I decide to go for it, than I did the first time around. The only thing I am uncertain about is the age bit, everything else is already in place apart from finding and getting treatment for my facial hair, even had a bit of that last time too, not that succesful sadly. But I am taking on what you have already said, and thank you for your time and trouble in doing so:) , most greatful to you.

Thank you to all that sent a welcome, never been on a sit were yhings happened so quickly:o , this site reall sdose put all the others to shame:) , and think I am going to make some lovely friends, and get to know somwe very interesting people here, so thank you once again;) .