justb

Thank you for the replies and welcomes so far (that was faster than I expected . I'm currently living with my girlfriend and I have told her a little about what's going on. She's being supportive, but admits she doesn't know how comfortable she will be with me with a paci in my mouth and wearing diapers to bed. We'll find out, I suppose. I'm mostly worried about my own well-being and that I don't take this need for stress-relief too far, I think.

I first started exploring AB stuff when I was 15 and did the binge/purge thing until I was 17 when my second stepfather let me know that he had seen my disposable diapers. I threw everything out then so if he told my mother then I could just deny everything and I wouldn't have to try to explain something I didn't really understand. I forgot about it for 8 years. Now I'm 25 and I'm feeling the urge to do all this again. I wonder if I'm broken or something for wanting (...needing) the feeling of security and stability that I get when I'm wearing a diaper with a paci in my mouth. I know that I am very stressed and wonder if that's the cause of all this. Mostly what I'm worried about is my growing need to regress. Basically, when I was younger, I would get pacifiers and just have them in my mouth while i was sitting in my room doing other things like studying so I could do well in school. It eventually grew to a point where I would wear diapers to bed while snuggling my blanket and cabbage patch kid i had had since I was a small child as the pressure to succeed increased. I liked how it made me feel safe and secure, but I also wonder if I only did it as a response to stress or something. When my stepfather had seen the package of disposable diapers at one point and let me know in a very "you're fucked up and disgusting" sort of way. I never went back to it, but now it's 8 years later and I started wanting it again and recently it's been turning more into a need in that i get even more stressed not being able to have it. I'm wondering if its due to the stress of being away from my room at my mother's house and the surgeries and my confusion with what communities i want to be part of and trying to figure people out and work and blah. I'm worried that it may be unhealthy to try to go back to it, but i also wonder if it really is a bad and dangerous and negative stress relief technique? I don't want to completely regress and become helpless or anything. Just to feel safe and secure again. To have a "comfort zone" or something. But then I wonder if that's just being incredibly weak and that I should "grow up" (tongue-in-cheek) and just deal with stress in a more "mature" way. I'm planning on talking to my therapist, but her earliest opening is 2 months out I'm sorry if I have repeated myself anywhere. I'm just scared and nervous and would appreciate any help or insight. I read the sticky post, but all I could find for "support" was the tech support area. I'm sorry if I misplaced this. Thank you to anyone who spends their time on me.