Phil Schwartz

JeiSiN, you're right on. I'm nearly twice your age but only in the last year started learning to be happy with who I am. My wife and I have become a lot closer and we are building on that. I have a lot of other issues of my own to sort out, but I'm on the way, and that alone is reassuring. Perhaps it is that generational difference that makes you able to act to be yourself. There are tools now to allow us to find others like ourselves, rather than wonder in sheer loneliness, certain we're each some kind of broken freak of nature. All these ways to communicate conspire to break down barriers and misunderstanding. As time goes on, I can only hope that each generation becomes more open about themselves, and thereby more aware of the variety that is the human race, and thereby become more accepting of that variety. As for fakers, well, we all have our defenses against the real world. Some people go overboard, though. Creating of whole fictional lives and substituting them for the real thing is rather sad. No, the real world cannot hold up to fantasy - that's because fantasy takes no work at all. In the real world, it takes effort to find people, and takes guts to risk showing your true self to someone who may reject you. If there's anything I could say to those who isolate themselves, it is find the guts to be yourself. You don't have to jump in with both feet all at once, but you ought to at least dip a toe in the water and progress from there. It's liberating to get to know yourself.

It sure feels great to be able to open up to the one you are closest to, doesn't it? I'm thrilled to hear that she took it in stride and has been so accepting of you. Always value that - that she was willing to accept you as you are. Realizing that you no longer need to hide yourself makes you feel as if you can walk on air. I know the risk you took and the relief you feel. It will continue to draw the two of you closer together. Trust can do that sort of thing. Congrats and best of luck!

For me it has been lifelong. (See my reply to the 'Abuse' poll for the whole story.) I have wanted to wear diapers as far back as I can remember. Diapers are my comfort and an emotional refuge. Even when I was too young to have words for such things, that was how I felt. There were diapers around the house for my younger siblings, and on the rare occasions that I got to put them on it was the most relaxing and comforting feeling I have known. It was the fear of discovery and the consequences which kept me from acting on my desires. I have kept it all to myself. This is something which has always been private to the point of paranoia. Nobody knows except for my wife and my shrink. (The shrink is helping me with the abuse healing. I don't consider my wanting of diapers to be something that needs healing at all.) Accepting it wasn't ever really a question. It was more a question of when I would get the opportunity to do something I craved. Hiding it is natural - once you're not a baby anymore, people just do not do these sorts of things voluntarily - but I certainly don't feel ashamed. More that I wouldn't want others (especially my wife) to be embarrassed. Depends briefs are nice and discreet for normal daily wear, and on the weekends I look forward to wearing something thicker, which is even more comforting.

(This is rather late in the thread, but it took a while for me to write this up. I put it here in case it helps someone.) I can trace my need for diapers directly to sexual abuse as a small child. From as early as I can remember, I was abused by a family member. As a helpless, physically overpowered kid, I trusted no one. Given what was happening to me without cause (I expended every effort to be an absolute angel as a kid), I feared being killed by this man should he be found out. He made that quite clear, and I believed him to be capable of it. The abuse stopped around age 12 or so. I believe he may have turned his attention to another, younger family member, though I have never raised the issue. Somewhere along the line, quite early, I found one - just one - defense from my tormentor. Depending on which abusive act he was determined to perform, wetting and/or pooping myself at the right moment could divert his intentions. This utterly revolted him, and he would fly into a rage. I would then be physically beaten to a pulp, and the sexual abuse was thus prevented. It was my one weapon. It sure wasn't winning - just losing less - but it worked enough of the time to keep me doing it. For me, being ready to do what needed to be done was essential. Being in a diaper meant that I was ready. It was a shield, it gave me comfort and confidence. It made me feel like I had a way to stand up for my little self and assert some little bit of control. I didn't get to actually wear a diaper much at all, though there were plenty in the house for my younger siblings. I was terrified that someone would find out and then my only defense would be taken away and nullified. If that monster had figured it out, it certainly would have been all over. These days, he is getting old and frail and I live thousands of miles away. He's no longer a threat to me or anyone else. I rarely see him now, and never without other family present. Given his age, it's entirely possible that I will never see him again. That would suit me just fine. An event in my life caused me to tell my wife all about it recently. Instead of repulsing her, opening up about this has brought us closer together. Having her understand, along with also having a good shrink to help frame the issue, has been a tremendous relief. I'm no longer carrying this alone, and that is really helping. I no longer have to hide my past. I now wear diapers every day. I have my security blanket with me, everywhere I go. I have a long, long way to go before I could consider myself recovered. I don't even know what recovery means or what it would look like, but I sure know what it doesn't look like. And, if I can put in my 2 cents on the forgiveness question. I won't be able to forgive my tormentor nor the other family members who looked the other way. However, he's not the one who needs forgiveness - I am working on forgiving myself. For what, exactly, I'm not sure, but there is a load of guilt about the past which needs to be dealt with. I am not ashamed of what I did to stop my abuser, quite the contrary - it was the strongest thing I have ever done for myself - but the adult in me wishes I didn't have to. Forgive my tormentor? No, not yet. Not when I have been wishing to hear news of his death for decades. Not when I still hope for 'that' phone call. Maybe I could forgive him someday - I never say never - but no, I can't do that now.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! There are literally millions of adults in the USA and around the world going on about their lives in diapers every day. As square_duck said, heck, if they can, then anyone can. I'm one of them. I'm thrilled that you ventured out and that it worked out so well!

First of all, they don't know you're wearing unless you tell them. The vast majority of people are oblivious. Those that notice either don't realize what they're seeing (they might think you're just putting on weight) or they wonder but won't mention it (more because you're likely to embarrass them, and they wouldn't want to embarrass you). As for your friends, well, frankly, if they (1) notice and (2) mention it and (3) don't accept it and (4) give you a hard time, then the right thing to do is quietly drop them as a friend. Or loudly, if they just can't take a hint that they are being boorish. I wear all day, every day, everywhere. Today I was at a huge 4th of July party at a friend's house, with many friends but also literally dozens of strangers of all ages. Nobody noticed and nobody said a word. Ask yourself this: Do your friends make fun of somebody in a wheelchair? How do they react to someone with a prosthetic arm or a false eye? Do they point out others' birth defects? No? Then they probably aren't going to say anything about your diapers. If they do, they'll probably do so out of concern - drawing you aside, being discreet, asking if its anything they can help with or need to accommodate. Now that's a friend you can trust. Get out there and enjoy your life. And you'll find out who your friends truly are.

Oh, I'm very happy with the situation! It's a big relief that nobody noticed. I feel that I really can wear every day, all day, wherever I want, and I won't be ostracized. Yippee! I've always been a rather private person, especially in this area. And, I get to keep it as private as I want and yet enjoy it all the time. Can't beat that. I have thought about what I would say if someone noticed, and that makes the inevitable situation easier since I know how I will handle it. (How? Casually. "Well, why do you think a grown man would wear diapers?" and if they persist, follow up with "I need them".)

Thanks for the kind words. There is a lot more work still to be done in settling things in my head, but life is sure a heck of a lot better than it used to be. Much happier now!

Oh, absolutely. I have never missed a deadline because I had to go to the bathroom! And they make those all-night debugging runs are a lot less stressful.

About six weeks ago I threw the switch and started wearing daily, everywhere I go. Work, home, shopping, parties, goofing off, restaurants - everywhere. I'm always dressed as an adult (age play isn't my thing), and usually in Depends briefs, because they're relatively discreet. I go for something thicker (read: more comforting) on the weekends, like Molicares, Abenas, or Tenas. I was absolutely sure everyone would be looking, whispering to their friends, or just blurting out, "Hey, that guy is wearing a diaper under his pants!" I was expecting sudden mortification at any moment. Instant embarrassment would surely ensue should I be found out. But a funny thing happened. As in: nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. To my utter astonishment, nobody cared one whit, they were just themselves, as always. Heck, maybe they never noticed at all. It's been weeks! Could that possibly be true? Granted, I'm not trying to attract any attention and I'm going about life normally. I'm not using them (much), just wearing them like funny underwear. I've needed to change one or two times away from the house to alleviate any worry about leaks, but that's about it for acting differently than a normal adult. And life just goes on. Really, it has turned out to be about as big a deal as Y2K. It just flat hasn't had an effect on anybody in all this time. Rather boggling, that. So my question to the gallery is this: When you switched to wearing funny underwear all the time (whether you use it or not) did you experience any social ramifications? Or did it turn out to be nothing to write home about?

Computer software engineer for one of the major companies. On the weekends I get out in the sun as much as possible.

I used to regret my need for diapers, but not any more. I, as others, have gone through a number of purges over the years, mainly out of fear of being discovered by family, friends, and girlfriends. You'll find that this is part of living with the need. Just be aware that we all understand what you are going through. If one day you should find someone who you can share this with, even if that person doesn't get involved, it will change everything. Keep looking! Once I came up with a way to talk with my wife about it (which is a story for another day), we worked it out and I have been wearing daily ever since. I doubt I'll have the urge to purge ever again, since I now have a dresser drawer full of diapers. No more hiding them from her. And yes, I realize that I am an astonishingly lucky guy. She's gold.

Hi, everybody. I have been lurking here and on DPF for way too long. A big change in my life has led me to finally stand up and introduce myself. DL is the category that best describes me. While I'm not incontinent, I'm an abuse survivor, and without going in to detail, diapers are my comfort. They give me confidence, strength, and happiness, like a security blanket or favorite teddy bear. The big change was that I finally told my wife about my childhood and what I have been through, which I had kept hidden away for years. In explaining it all, my need for diapers came out as part of it. After much heartfelt discussion between us, I wear every day now. I've never felt so strong, so free. She and I have never felt so close as we do now. That's why I chose my signature. See you in the boards! -Phil