StillNeedCntrl

Thanks Morv. I am trying to pay attention to everything and know what is going on. I had a real bad night last night. Didn't sleep again and kept getting more and more upset. Ended up making myself sick and threw up a couple of times. Mom was so worried she sat with me the rest of the night. I even pissed my pants and not on purpose and I wasn't wering a diaper. Being that messed up led to another family therapy session this morning and I finally just said evertyhing including the stuff about wanting to get it over with if they were still secretly planning to make me go to the program and wanting someone to talk to that isn't part of the church. They promised that the camp place is not something they are even considering anymore but admited that some of my therapy is similar to the program because they are still worried about me getting hurt again and want to be sure I know how to make good choices when it comes to relationships and sex. They sort of agreed on me seeing a non-chrch shrink but in addition to my church-shrink not instead of. Still said no to me getting a job but said that we can talk about that again in a month if I am feeling better and everone thinks i am ready. I still feel sick and like I'm going to cry again. Parents mentioned maybe I should go to the mental health center again but I told them I just need sleep and I be okay. Mom suggested I wear diapers today in case I pee again. I was already wearing one though

I don't know how to nip it in the bud. I have no control over the situation right now. I'm so out of it today I just feel like crying. Going to have to talk to my parents but don't know what to say or even what I want at this point.

I didn't see my shrink today. Didn't sleep well and convinced my mom I needed to go back to bed more than I needed to see my therapist. I don't know what to do at this point. If you guys are right and I am secretly in the program maybe I should just go to the camp and get it over with faster. It's too easy for some of you to tell me to grow up be a man and move out. How can I do that without a job and money. And if I get a job against my parents wishes will they let me live here long enough to save up the money to leave? Will they still pay for college? I'm kind of stuck right now and have to get past this stuff no matter what it takes. i just dont know

I don't think I can switch shrinks, my parents are kind of in charge of things right now. I need to fix my relationship with them but I don't know how. I'm not trying to get them to do the stuff they are doing, but other than going along with it I don't know what else to do. I'm not going to college locally. I think they are still trying to "fix" me before I do leave for school and it's too late for them to do anything.

My parents said no to the idea of me getting a job. They said I need to work on my other problems more first and prove that I am ready for that kind of responsibility. Plus mom doesn't want me to work because she thinks if I get comfortable at a job I won't go to college like I am supposed too. My shrink agreed with them of course. She not only thinks I'm not ready but thinks my daily sessions should continue longer since I got caught drinking. Then we all talked about my getting spanked. I said it hurt more than I remembered as a kid and I wasn't going to drink again until I was 21. They said that's good but it just might prove that strict discipline is exactly what I need right now. So I think spanking might be the punishment of choice now They do want me to start getting out of the house more to help get me ready for college but they mean church groups and stuff not a job. But they did say I can hang out with my friends more if I want, but most of them are at college already.

You guys are right I have been being stupid lately. I have another week of daily therapy then it drops to once a week. Will get a job then until I go to college in the spring. My dad gave me a LONG lecture about booze and basically said that the last thing I need right now is to get a drug or alcohol problem. I could tell he was really worried about me. Going to start thinking more before I do stuff.

Going to be a bad day. Mom caught me drinking some of dad's alcohol last night. Not drunk or anything was just trying it. They were both really mad but said they didn't know how to handle it. They came with me to therapy and talked it out with my shrink. I made them see I don't drink and haven't done it before but they were still upset. Mom has insisted that there be no alcohol in the house which means dad can't have any either. For dad's part he wanted to know how to punish me. He said normally at 18 that would be grounds to make me move out but he doesn't think that's a good idea. And mom wouldn't allow that either. The shrink asked me what an appropriate punishment would be and I stupidly said a spanking or something. They agreed with the spanking idea. Dad had to go to work so I'm going to get my punishment when he gets home tonight. Haven't been spanked since I was 14 so very nervous and scared!

Things are going much better now, thanks! This morning I had to go to the Mental Health Center for a required check-up so they could see I was still doing okay. After that my dad and me went fishing. I wore a diaper so I wouldn't have to pee in the woods. That's embarrassing to me! My dad asked if I wanted to go swimming since it'll be too cold to before long but I told him I couldn't cuz I had a diaper on under my shorts. He was okay with it and said that at least I wouldn't be asking to stop to pee on the way home. Every time dad and me leave the house mom cleans up my room for me. She emptied out what was my junk drawer and put my diapers in there instead. So I guess that means they are both cool with me wearing them.

I don't think wearing diapers is wrong and even my shrink doesn't think masturbating is wrong. Not doing it is just a way for me to clear my head a little and think about what I really want. Not just what feels good that second. I won't turn my back on my family or my religion. I am sorry if some people can't understand that but I need my family and friends and church. They are part of me. A more important part of me than sex or what underwear I wear. Things are getting better and making more sense to me. I needed to be in the mental health center (not a hospital!) when I was there. Now I don't need that. And I'm glad my family is helping me sort stuff out even if it is a little humiliating. I need the help! I got myself raped looking for comfort from strangers because I was too scared to talk to girls and start a real relationship or to let my family find out I like wearing diapers. That was dumb! They aren't trying to make me change who I am just make better decisions.

I am thankful for that! Im cutting back on how often i wear diapers so my parents and shrink will notice that i dont wear them all the time. They dont seem to care that I wear them now and i want to keep it that way so gonna make it look like a sometime thing and not an all the time thing. Shrink asked me about fetish clothes today. Wanted to know if i wore other stuff like girls clothes or panties. Told her i wasnt into none of that and didnt think diapers was a fetish for me either. Just what i like to wear.

I don't remember ever thinking about diapers until i was 15. Just noticed adult diapers in a drug store one day and knew i had to have some!

I know WHY they were there. I meant is was weird to have someone there just watching me all the time. I'm doing better now and still in therapy!

Wow, how cool is it that so many people were worried about me I feel special! The mental health center was kind of weird other than the diaper changing part. They had someone sit in the room with me all the time so I was never alone and if I didn't feel like talking they would just sit there silently. Very weird. The only cool part was being accepted as a diaper wearer and being changed by the nurses. The nurse that was there in the morning would even come by and tell me I should try to empty my bladder because she was going to be back to change me in a few minutes and I'd stay dry longer if I went ahead and peed before she changed me. My parents are being cooler now too. Mom said she now understands that I've just been lonely and looking for attention and didn't really care how I got that attention. I guess thats kinda true. Its better than her thinking I'm a pervert anyway! Her and dad both are spending more time with me and talking to me more. They threw away the information on the camp and now only want me to join the young adults group at church so I have friends my age to hang out with. I can do that. Go back to therapy on Monday. I think still every day for a while longer. I'm wearing diapers most of the time now. I usually don't wet or poop in them just feel better when I am wearing them.

I'm home and okay! I didn't get sent to the camp. Actually mom threw away the papers from the camp. I'm never going there. I told my shrink about the guy I met from online who was going to baby me but instead did other stuff I didn't want to do. She made me see that he raped me cuz he did stuff I didnt agree to and didn't want to do and I sort of wanted to hurt myself cuz I felt so bad about putting myself in that situation. My shrink and family were worried about me so they took me to a mental health center for the day. Not a nut house like you see on tv. My room was a normal bedroom but they had someone sit with me all day and night. I was going to go home the next morning but the storm hit and we lost power and phones at home so they decided it would be best if I stayed at the center so I wasn't at home in the dark with nothing to do. Just got to come home this morning. Parents are still worried about me. Mom keeps coming up to check on me and dad made me promise to tell him if I was feeling that sad again. Get a break from therapy and stuff over the weekend which is cool. And while I was at the mental health center they had nurses to change my diapers which was kind of cool

Therapy was not good today. I don't have time to explain as they will be coming to get me in a minute. Should be back tomorrow though.

Being as careful as I can! Got out of the camp idea but do want to work everything out with myself and my family.

I'm not worried about all that Christie cuz I'm not gay! The shrink didn't say AB can't be sexual. I said it's not. I just like diapers not about sex. And no inapropriate relationships with men, not NO relationships with men.

I don't think a real shrink would work as the church shrink is the compromise to not go to the church program. They want it to be a religious person.

I forgot to add: I am fairly religious myself and do not think diaper wearing is a sin. I guess religion is a big part of why I am trying to go along with all this. I know they (mom dad pastor and shrink) all are doing what they think is best to help me be a good person and I want to be a good person.

Thanks for the advice Joey! I am uncomfortable with my mom knowing my sex habits but I guess I am willing to accept that for now. I know not everyone can understand this but I NEED to get to a comfortable place with my family. I can't live with myself if I don't. It would be different if they weren't budging at all, but they are. I did break the masturbation rule tonight. Not sure if I will tell my shrink or not. I think I will first talk to her about respecting my privacy and letting what I say be between me and her unless I give permission to share something. I may be understanding things wrong but I don't think it's IF I masturbate that they are worried about, but what I am thinking and doing WHEN I masturbate. Everything we talk about seems to be geared not toward changing my need for diapers or love, but in helping me learn to find the real thing (love) not just play sex games that mistake horniness for love.