StillNeedCntrl

I meant like a summer camp as in how it is designed. The retreat is open year round. But it was still very nice tempature-wise too.

Sorry I have not posted in a week. My shrink decided I needed a break from my family (and a test to see how I do being away from them before I go off to school) and sent me to this cool retreat place. Basically a summer camp for young adults. I got to go swimming, fishing, hiking and all kinds of other cool stuff. Was kind of weird wearing diapers in the bunk house as I was in a large bedroom with seven other guys. Was impossible to keep it a secret since we shared not only a bedroom but toilets/showers. They were all cool about it though... did get me a nickname of Baby Boy for the week Back home now and should be in bed but I ran out of my medicine and can't sleep. Got to get it refilled in the morning.

Thanks My therapist is okay with me having a girlfriend, but he wants her to attend counceling with me a few times so we can talk about my "issues" so she understands if I react weird to something in bed or anything like that. I've told her everything already so I'm okay with that and she thinks its a good idea too so no biggie. My dad REALLY likes me hanging out with Jan more. Think he was still worried that I might be gay because I didn't hang out with girls all the time My mom doesn't like it as much. She says I'm not ready. But I think I am so we are going to try it! We've been friends for a few years so we're hoping we can be 'more than friends' without screwing up our friendship. Gonna slow down on the sex stuff a little and go on some regular dates first. I'm still wetting the bed most nights. The sleeping pill I take just makes me not wake up when I need too so unless I have a nightmare I sleep till morning. Tried not taking the pill for a few days but went right back to not being able to sleep. I wear diapers every night, and most of the time during the day too. Still like being in diapers a lot and Jan is okay with me wearing them

Ugh, I almost blew it! I had bad nightmares last night and woke up screaming and sick again. Mom didn't want to leave my alone, but I finally convinced her I was fine and her and Dad are leaving in an hour or so! Still really nervous but looking forward to "becoming a man."

Almost forgot the really cool part. My friend took one of my diapers and is going to wear it when she comes over so I'll be more comfortable

Sorry I have been so quiet guys. My real shrink and I decided I needed a little mental health vacation and an evaluation for some meds to help me feel better. Stayed at the mental health center again which is actually kind of nice. They didn't have anyone watching me this time so I had plenty of peace and quiet. And having nurses to change me again was fun Told the shrink that I was getting irritated with people always watching me and ALWAYS having to talk about stuff. He told my parents to back off a bit, and also told my Christian shrink to cut back on the number of sessions I have with her. He says I need to focus on my REAL problems right now, not the stuff the church is concerened with. My real shink thinks I have post traumatic stress disorder and I was kind of numb when I hadn't told anyone what happened but once I had to talk about it I remembered everything and started freaking out. He says working on that is the number one issue. That and getting me well enough to be able to go to school soon which we both think is very important (mainly living in a dorm with people my age and out of the hands of the church)

Not allowed to use the words I call him by on here, so let's go with prick! Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. I had a very bad night last night and ended up making myself sick again. So tired of that! I had a long nightmare that the no matter where I ran the prick was around the next corner waiting for me. Guess that's one to tell both shrinks about! The sleeping pill seemed to make it worse because I couldn't wake up right away so it had me pretty upset by the time I did wake up. I told my mom and dad that I'm not going to church in the morning. They weren't all that pleased to hear it but I need to try and sleep in and relax some. And be nice to have some time alone for a change. Gets old having people watching you all the time like you're about to crack. Its enough to make me crack! I'm going to go to the young adults group this week. It's my hope to meet people who can recommend stuff other than church to do, not just do the church stuff. I need to get out more but have lost contact with most of my friends as they are mostly in school already. I've kinda had something on my mind and tho this probably isn't the place I have to say it to someone and not someone wearing a WWJD wristband if you know what I mean: I want to have sex. SOON! It's driving me crazy that my only experience with sex is being pushed down and raped. I feel like I need to know what normal happy sex feels like before I loose the nerve to ever try it. Thinking about what the prick did to me just hurts me so bad I want to have something to balance it out with. Anyway that's my screwed up thought for today

Feeling a whole lot better now! Been sleeping good with my medication. It does seem to make me wet the bed though, so I have been wearing a diaper to bed and after therapy today mom and I went over to our mini-storage place and got my old rubber mattress cover out of storage and back on my bed just in case. Actually been wearing diapers most of the time this week. Just like wearing them when I feel okay. They make me even more okay Therapy with shrink#1 has been going good. I think we are past of the big stuff now and should drop to once a week before long. We talked about me wearing diapers again because I was worried that would be seen as a problem once all the other stuff was out of the way. She assured me that no one cares what kind of underwear I wear. Main goals shrink#1 has for me is to get more active with the young adults group at church and hang out with people my own age that I can trust. See shrink#2 again on Monday.

It's not really a thing for shrink#2 as it is a religion and personal belief thing. There is a difference for some guys. Like, a lot of guys masturbate in the shower because it is a good time/place to do it... it's about feeling good and getting the urge out of the way for the day, not about porn or sex. I can masturbate JUST because it feels good without having to think dirty thoughts. It's sort of a self-control thing. There's a BIG difference between releaving stress and urges when it is convienent/safe to do so, and having to whip it out on the spot when you see something that turns you on. Either way is normal and okay, but for Christians the first way is better than not having that self-control and letting unpure thoughts control your actions. Not everyone thinks that way and I'm not saying everyone should, but that is what works for me and my beliefs.

I think it's more the intent when you decide to do it than where your brain goes while you're doing it. When I do it I am doing it cuz it feels good and cuz guys just need to release the pressure sometimes. If you do it cuz you saw a hot girl on tv and you're jerking it to her, that would be a dirty thought.

I feel much better today! Slept all night and most of the morning. Only thing is I wet the bed cuz i slept so good I didn't wake up. That's okay though I'll just wear my diapers to bed till I get used to the meds. Haven't heard from that creep still so I think that's over. Shrink#1 noticed I was rested and alaert today so she is not nagging me as much. Today we talked about masturbation and agreed that it's okay as long as it's done to feel good and control urges (mastubation instead of sex) and not done to pornography or dirty thoughts.

If I tell you to kiss my pampered butt does that count as defending myself It did feel good and I am glad it's over (I hope) I haven't heard from him sense then and it's not too hard to make a new AOL name to get around a block so I am hoping he is gone for good. Maybe he really thought I was just playing the submissive guy and I scared the crap out of him when I told him off. Met my new shrink today. He seems okay. He did give me some medicine to help me sleep but only a weeks worth and only on the condition that my parents control them so I can't try and take them all at once. Not that I would but usually he doesn't give medicine right away so he insisted on that rule until he gets a better idea of what kind of shape I am in. Mainly just talked about the basic stuff about me but he did say that he's not there to tell me what to do or how to live. Just to help me help myself. Got to go to bed meds are kicking in!

I upset everyone today. I told my abuser to go away and that I felt he raped me and if he kept contacting me I'd go to the cops but if he left me alone I wouldn't. Then I blocked him from emailing or Iming me. I don't actually want to tell the cops but I guess I will if I have too. He doesn't know where I live so I hope this is the end of it. Can't tell my parents as they'd take away my internet access for sure if they knew what has been going on. Didn't tell the church shrink either. Will talk to my real shrink about it. Told my parents I want my privacy back. I'll go to church and therapy and whatever else but I don't want everyone knowing my business and talking about me. When I mentioned the church incident mom said I would have to be the one to tell the pastor not to talk about me, so I called him and told him. Don't think mom expected me to actually do it. I was polite about it. Just told him that church is supposed to be a safe place and I don't need to hear my troubles repeated and just don't want to have to think about that kind of stuff 24/7. Told the church shrink that whatever I say to her has to be private or I'll just sit there silently for an hour a day. We agreed she would only talk about things if I gave permission to share some stuff. She seemed to take it as a good thing that I was standing up for myself. Was kind of hard to act tough today cuz I spent last night crying and puking but things needed to change. I still haven't slept much and feel really tired and sick. Going to meet my new shrink in a few minutes I hope he'll give me something to make me sleep.

No. I think he has a lot of experience. He knew what I wanted he just didn't care. I didn't know to use a safe word because I didn't think we were going to be doing anything that rough! Don't think he would have listened anyway if I had used a safe word. One of the things that is upsetting me a lot is that he keeps emailing me. I told him I don't want to do anything like that agin but he keeps calling me names and telling me that I will do what he says and that keeping him waiting is just going to make him make it hurt more and cause him to give me a beating before he does it.

My parents are kind of freaked out again today. I got a little sick in church and had to go outside to get some air in the middle of the service. It was the pastor's fault but I can't tell my parents that. The pastor has been having people pray for me during services. He doesn't use names but he lists off the things people are dealing with and asks everyone to pray for them. Well today he asked people to pray for "the young man who was sexually assaulted and is trying to become whole again and is struggling to find his place in God's world." which made me cringe but I was okay until he also had people pray for forgiveness for the guy that did it too me. That bothered me cuz I am not ready to forgive him. I held it together for a few minutes because I thought if I ran out on the spot people would know it was me the pastor was talking about so I waited until the next little break in the service and split. When my parents came out I just said I was feeling sick and needed to go home.

Have only done it a couple of times. I used to pee when really stressed as a kid so you are probably right. I need to see the real shrink bad, still can't sleep and it's driving me nuts! Why would I show those stories to my parents? I'm not gay so there is nothing to change. I know if I was gay they would want me to change but since I'm not there's no point in having that argument.

Thanks for the compliments I think it'll be good to have someone to talk to that doesn't have an agenda in mind before we even meet. I'm still having trouble sleeping I'm really tired but just can't stay asleep. I slept for like two hours tonight but fell out of bed and can't get back to sleep.

forgot I wanted to say: I've gotten a couple of nasty emails from people who say I should be 100% against the program and the people who run it, so let me try and clear up my feelings on the program: I don't think it's wrong to be "gay" if that's who God made you to be. If I was gay I would be flatly refusing this therapy and stuff for sure. They aren't trying to keep me from being gay because I am not gay, they are helping me to make better choices for who I am. It's so hard to explain but I ended up in an unwanted homosexual encounter because I didn't think about who I was getting into a relationship with, even if it was a one-time relationship and even if I thought it wasn't going to be about sex. I did not make a responsible choice for myself. THAT is what they are helping me with. To me it's not that "As a man I should avoid sex with men. it's "As a man I should avoid those who will not respect me and my body." I think it's wrong to try and force a gay person to become a straight person but it's not wrong to help people with general sexual and relationship troubles or those who want help. Still don't know if I am explaining it right but that's the best I can do I guess.

Thanks Drynot and Lightfolf for the advice and thoughts! I have an appointment at the MHC to get a therapist of my own. I agree that I need someone I can talk to that isn't in the church and that only I talk too. Plus if I keep having sleep and anxiaty problems I'll have a real doctor who can give me medicine. I do feel a little guilty because I was just dumb. I agreed to stuff I shouldn't have cuz I didn't know any better. When he asked me if I would take whatever he did to me and he didn't have to stop even if I said too I thought he meant like if he decided to punish me during the baby play or something. But he meant have sex with me even if I didn't want it or like it! He thought my complaints were part of the game so the more I complained the rougher he got so I finally just gave in and took it. I still think is was kinda rape because he tricked me. He didn't baby me at all just used my misunderstanding against me. I agree with most of it. Having to follow their strict rules kind of sucks since I thought I'd be "my own man" by now, but I do feel like I need the help to keep me from making a lot of dumb mistakes right now. I have moved the boundaries a little now. I told my dad I didn't want to be spanked again because that is just too weird to me and I did say no when they thought I should give up the internet. And I refused one of the rules from the very beginning. Yes! I feel a lot better knowing for sure that they aren't setting me up to go to the live-in program. They are just borrowing some of the rules and therapies to help me with the weakness that led to me getting hurt.