StillNeedCntrl

I meant like a summer camp as in how it is designed. The retreat is open year round. But it was still very nice tempature-wise too.

Sorry I have not posted in a week. My shrink decided I needed a break from my family (and a test to see how I do being away from them before I go off to school) and sent me to this cool retreat place. Basically a summer camp for young adults. I got to go swimming, fishing, hiking and all kinds of other cool stuff. Was kind of weird wearing diapers in the bunk house as I was in a large bedroom with seven other guys. Was impossible to keep it a secret since we shared not only a bedroom but toilets/showers. They were all cool about it though... did get me a nickname of Baby Boy for the week Back home now and should be in bed but I ran out of my medicine and can't sleep. Got to get it refilled in the morning.

Thanks My therapist is okay with me having a girlfriend, but he wants her to attend counceling with me a few times so we can talk about my "issues" so she understands if I react weird to something in bed or anything like that. I've told her everything already so I'm okay with that and she thinks its a good idea too so no biggie. My dad REALLY likes me hanging out with Jan more. Think he was still worried that I might be gay because I didn't hang out with girls all the time My mom doesn't like it as much. She says I'm not ready. But I think I am so we are going to try it! We've been friends for a few years so we're hoping we can be 'more than friends' without screwing up our friendship. Gonna slow down on the sex stuff a little and go on some regular dates first. I'm still wetting the bed most nights. The sleeping pill I take just makes me not wake up when I need too so unless I have a nightmare I sleep till morning. Tried not taking the pill for a few days but went right back to not being able to sleep. I wear diapers every night, and most of the time during the day too. Still like being in diapers a lot and Jan is okay with me wearing them

Ugh, I almost blew it! I had bad nightmares last night and woke up screaming and sick again. Mom didn't want to leave my alone, but I finally convinced her I was fine and her and Dad are leaving in an hour or so! Still really nervous but looking forward to "becoming a man."

Almost forgot the really cool part. My friend took one of my diapers and is going to wear it when she comes over so I'll be more comfortable

Sorry I have been so quiet guys. My real shrink and I decided I needed a little mental health vacation and an evaluation for some meds to help me feel better. Stayed at the mental health center again which is actually kind of nice. They didn't have anyone watching me this time so I had plenty of peace and quiet. And having nurses to change me again was fun Told the shrink that I was getting irritated with people always watching me and ALWAYS having to talk about stuff. He told my parents to back off a bit, and also told my Christian shrink to cut back on the number of sessions I have with her. He says I need to focus on my REAL problems right now, not the stuff the church is concerened with. My real shink thinks I have post traumatic stress disorder and I was kind of numb when I hadn't told anyone what happened but once I had to talk about it I remembered everything and started freaking out. He says working on that is the number one issue. That and getting me well enough to be able to go to school soon which we both think is very important (mainly living in a dorm with people my age and out of the hands of the church)

Not allowed to use the words I call him by on here, so let's go with prick! Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. I had a very bad night last night and ended up making myself sick again. So tired of that! I had a long nightmare that the no matter where I ran the prick was around the next corner waiting for me. Guess that's one to tell both shrinks about! The sleeping pill seemed to make it worse because I couldn't wake up right away so it had me pretty upset by the time I did wake up. I told my mom and dad that I'm not going to church in the morning. They weren't all that pleased to hear it but I need to try and sleep in and relax some. And be nice to have some time alone for a change. Gets old having people watching you all the time like you're about to crack. Its enough to make me crack! I'm going to go to the young adults group this week. It's my hope to meet people who can recommend stuff other than church to do, not just do the church stuff. I need to get out more but have lost contact with most of my friends as they are mostly in school already. I've kinda had something on my mind and tho this probably isn't the place I have to say it to someone and not someone wearing a WWJD wristband if you know what I mean: I want to have sex. SOON! It's driving me crazy that my only experience with sex is being pushed down and raped. I feel like I need to know what normal happy sex feels like before I loose the nerve to ever try it. Thinking about what the prick did to me just hurts me so bad I want to have something to balance it out with. Anyway that's my screwed up thought for today

Feeling a whole lot better now! Been sleeping good with my medication. It does seem to make me wet the bed though, so I have been wearing a diaper to bed and after therapy today mom and I went over to our mini-storage place and got my old rubber mattress cover out of storage and back on my bed just in case. Actually been wearing diapers most of the time this week. Just like wearing them when I feel okay. They make me even more okay Therapy with shrink#1 has been going good. I think we are past of the big stuff now and should drop to once a week before long. We talked about me wearing diapers again because I was worried that would be seen as a problem once all the other stuff was out of the way. She assured me that no one cares what kind of underwear I wear. Main goals shrink#1 has for me is to get more active with the young adults group at church and hang out with people my own age that I can trust. See shrink#2 again on Monday.

It's not really a thing for shrink#2 as it is a religion and personal belief thing. There is a difference for some guys. Like, a lot of guys masturbate in the shower because it is a good time/place to do it... it's about feeling good and getting the urge out of the way for the day, not about porn or sex. I can masturbate JUST because it feels good without having to think dirty thoughts. It's sort of a self-control thing. There's a BIG difference between releaving stress and urges when it is convienent/safe to do so, and having to whip it out on the spot when you see something that turns you on. Either way is normal and okay, but for Christians the first way is better than not having that self-control and letting unpure thoughts control your actions. Not everyone thinks that way and I'm not saying everyone should, but that is what works for me and my beliefs.

I think it's more the intent when you decide to do it than where your brain goes while you're doing it. When I do it I am doing it cuz it feels good and cuz guys just need to release the pressure sometimes. If you do it cuz you saw a hot girl on tv and you're jerking it to her, that would be a dirty thought.

I feel much better today! Slept all night and most of the morning. Only thing is I wet the bed cuz i slept so good I didn't wake up. That's okay though I'll just wear my diapers to bed till I get used to the meds. Haven't heard from that creep still so I think that's over. Shrink#1 noticed I was rested and alaert today so she is not nagging me as much. Today we talked about masturbation and agreed that it's okay as long as it's done to feel good and control urges (mastubation instead of sex) and not done to pornography or dirty thoughts.

If I tell you to kiss my pampered butt does that count as defending myself It did feel good and I am glad it's over (I hope) I haven't heard from him sense then and it's not too hard to make a new AOL name to get around a block so I am hoping he is gone for good. Maybe he really thought I was just playing the submissive guy and I scared the crap out of him when I told him off. Met my new shrink today. He seems okay. He did give me some medicine to help me sleep but only a weeks worth and only on the condition that my parents control them so I can't try and take them all at once. Not that I would but usually he doesn't give medicine right away so he insisted on that rule until he gets a better idea of what kind of shape I am in. Mainly just talked about the basic stuff about me but he did say that he's not there to tell me what to do or how to live. Just to help me help myself. Got to go to bed meds are kicking in!