Sophie ♥

Chapter Fifty-Eight I felt like I was wearing a 'Kick Me' sign or something. Like everyone was staring at me. Like they could tell I was waddling or they could hear me crinkling. Like the first thought someone might have is 'that adult woman is wearing a diaper because she likes to be a little baby sometimes'. But I only garnered a few cursory glances if I walked too close to someone. I finally paused beside the buffet and let out a sigh. Caring so much sure was exhausting. Then I saw Ellie standing by one of the tables with an empty tray in her hand. She didn't look like she was wearing a diaper at all! I walked over to her, doing my best not to waddle. "What's up?" "They say that it's an All You Can Eat Buffet, right? Well. I have All I Can Eat." I nodded down at the empty tray in my hand with a forced smile. There was a salad that didn't look awful, but there were so many smells, colors, concepts, categories, people - it was pretty overwhelming. And that wasn't even accounting for the fact that I felt very much like an awkward boy in a dress. "Voice," I reminded her. I looked at her tray, then at the room full of food. She didn't like to eat. I still didn't understand that. Food was the only good reason to be an adult. But yelling at her probably wouldn't help, and I was already rather compromised. "Listen, buffets are like... a sample platter. You can get one of everything, take a bite, and throw away anything you don't like. So, if you're worried about eating too much, just take one bite of all the stuff that looks good." Was that good advice? Who knows. I had bigger things to worry about. I ventured forward, careful with my steps, and grabbed myself a tray. "Hold my hand?" I didn't know if that was coming from the part of me that was worried about being a baby, the part of me that was worried about being a girl, the part of me that was worried about eating, or the part of me that very much had a crush on Kylie. All of the above, probably. Hold hands? With a girl? In a buffet? Yeah, that wouldn't attract attention. That wouldn't have people looking a little too closely at us. They definitely wouldn't hear our crinkling and call us out for wearing diapers. The whole restaurant wouldn't laugh at us. Right? But Ellie looked scared. Or nervous, or something. She looked... like she needed me. So I took a deep breath and nodded my head. If this went poorly, I would never trust Marnie again! I took Ellie's hand and led her to the buffet. This was better. Obviously the logical part of my brain (the part I switched off when buying clothes or being Little,) knew full well that this would only draw more attention. But! In my defense, I also felt like this split the attention between the two of us and that felt safer? Maybe? "What's that?" I'd ask questions as we perused the buffet tables. Mostly that question, about any piece of food that looked unusual to me. And then it would often be followed with: "Is it good?" "How have you never had sweet and sour chicken before?" I put a few pieces on her plate after putting a whole lot of it on mine. Then we moved onto biscuits and french fries and mac and cheese. But buffet mac and cheese was never good. I skipped it and grabbed some pork cutlets. And finally, the dessert table. My eyes lit up and I went on to grab one of everything, stacking my plate taller than it should probably go. "Your plate looks so tall and mine looks so small." Marnie was going to be unhappy about both those outcomes! I should have been clever enough to suggest she put some of what she wanted on my plate - it was the perfect crime! But then again, we were adults in public in diapers, and that was probably criminal enough. When we came back, Marnie took one look at my plate and sighed. "Kylie, you could have gone back for dessert." "This way I don't have to get up again." Less walking, less waddling, less crinkling. It was a win-win. But half my plate was sweets. "You're going to have such a stomach ache when you're finished with all that, and do you remember what happened when you over ate last time?" "What happened?" I tilted my head curiously, fumbling with chopsticks. "She crashed halfway through the movie we went to see afterward." "I didn't sleep well the night before," I explained to Ellie. "I'm not going to fall asleep no matter what we do." My feet were kicking under the table as I took my first bite of chocolate chip cookie. Despite my best efforts, I was slipping into Littlespace. "Oh, well, now you have me to sleep with, so that won't be a problem anymore." I nodded, trying to finally pick up a piece of chicken with the chopsticks... getting it close to my mouth... and pouting as it slipped out of my grasp and bounced onto the table. "Dang…" "Just use a fork." "It's a Chinese place." "I mean, not really? They have some Chinese food..." "You're just sore 'cause you can't do chopsticks." "Can so." I puffed out my cheeks in indignation. "I bet I can chopstick better than you can chopstick." And that was a pretty idle boast, because I was objectively awful! But it also felt kinda cute and sibling-ish to say it, so I said it. I hadn't used chopsticks in at least a decade, but my will to win was stronger than Ellie's. After a few minutes, I had the hang of things. By the end of the meal, I was eating bites of my cupcake with chopsticks. Ellie, on the other hand, dropped sweet and sour chicken on her sundress and Marnie had to come over and dab it off like a Mom would do to a child. I smiled triumphantly. "It's not fair, you have more practice eating than I do." I puffed out my cheeks, although I actually didn't care about winning or losing cause I had a lot of fun. It definitely seemed to be improving Kylie’s disposition too! The game had certainly gotten me out of my head. I was barely thinking about what I was wearing, truth be told. I had another brownie and a bowl of pudding before we were ready to leave. Then, the moment I got up out of the booth and the thickness between my thighs reminded me what I was wearing, the realization washed over me like a crashing wave. Like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I bit my lip and looked down at my feet. "Mommy, I need a change." I said it quietly, and it was a lie to boot. But when I saw the look on Kylie's face when she stood up, it was the first thing I could think of to try and distract her from crashing back down out of her orbit in Littlespace. To say Marnie was surprised would be an understatement. Not only the use of the word 'Mommy' in public - even if she did say it quietly - but the fact that Ellie had already wet her diaper? And that she hadn't freaked out over it? She had used a diaper only once before, and it took quite a bit of practice to get used to it. Hmm... I looked at Ellie in disbelief. Was she crazy?! She can't say that in public! No way! But Mommy took her by the hand, said something quietly about being a good girl, and led her toward the door. I watched them go and looked quietly around the room. No one was staring, not really. And even if they were, they would be staring at Ellie, not me. So I hurried after them, out into the parking lot. I think Marnie knew. I was sure that Marnie knew, actually. And Kylie probably knew, too. But it got us out of the restaurant, didn't it? And Marnie, being Marnie, handled it with aplomb. Once we were by the car, she reached one hand up my dress as if it was the most normal thing in the world, and I felt her finger in my diaper. Weird. So weird. She clucked her tongue and shook her head. "You silly girl, you don't need a change. I guess girls your age have trouble telling though, don't they? Maybe one day you'll be a big girl like your sister Kylie is, huh, Ellie?" Wow. Ellie was blushing. And like, really blushing. I didn't think Mommy would put her hand up Ellie's dress in public, but we were off on the edge of the parking lot anyway. No one was even around. I felt my lips turn up at the end in a smile. "I doubt you'll ever be as big as me," I teased, and hurried to get into the car. "Maybe not as big of a butt..." I blushed as I crawled into the car door. And I did mean crawl: butt up in the air, grumbling face down, mumbling to myself. Gosh. She checked me. She checked my diaper in public. That's what I get for taking a bullet - I got shot! I was bouncing in my seat. My feet were kicking and I kept pushing my thighs together. The diaper kept me in perpetual Littlespace, as long as we weren't in public. Cars aren't technically public! "Where are we gooooooiiinnngggg! You said you had a surprise! Tell meeeee!" Even for Littlespace, I was very... energetic. Well. At least I'd helped Kylie, which was the goal after all. I was deflated, lip-bitey, blushy, quiet. Kylie made enough noise for the two of us. "Well," Marnie began, pausing every now and then for driving focus, "there's a toy warehouse that opened down by the business park, and it's open late. I thought I might take my two little munchkins to get something new to play with." There wasn't going to be hardly anybody at a toy store close to 9pm, which was the point. Oh! I had to get more of those magnet tiles. And I wanted to see if they had a new dress for my doll I got last month. I turned to my blushy sister with a grin and put out my hands. "Come on, patty cake. I bet I'll win." "You can lose patty cake?" "If you're too slow, uh huh. Come on, come ooooon!" It seemed like at least she had moved past my embarrassing outburst, so I guess that was something. But I was pretty much as clumsy with patty cake (or was that pat-a-cake? I'd heard it both ways) as I was with chopsticks. I won three times, and then it got kind of boring because Ellie was really slow. So we played iSpy out the car window, which she was a lot better at. Deductive reasoning seemed to be her thing. Finally, we pulled up to the toy store and I was out of the car before Ellie or Mommy. "This is a toy store?" It looked more like the front of a Walmart or something! It was gigantic. The sign read "Thomas Toy Tower" and there were no windows or anything. But when we got through the door, it might as well have been stepping into another world, because I didn't think I'd ever seen a toy store so big. It was huge! Like, so huge. Like, probably how big Toys R Us used to be, or maybe bigger. I hurried ahead of the others; Ellie seemed to take her leisurely time and Mommy moved at a natural pace. "I wanna check out the toy trains first, and then the dolls, then the Legos." I sure was in a hurry, though the store was open for another hour. Notably, Kylie seemed to have been able to cast free the shackles of adulthood, and she was babbling with excitement, tumbling through the toy store like a storm on a mission, clad in shortalls and a onesie and a puffy diaper with her Mommy. Her energy became infectious and soon enough I was keeping pace with her in my pretty dress. "I want more trains too; where're the trains sis?" We got distracted on our way to the trains. Legos were near the front of the store, so we checked those first. I picked out one I wanted. Then we went to the dolls next, and I found an outfit for the doll I had. I shifted from side to side in excitement. "One toy each," Mommy said sternly. I looked crestfallen. "Two each? Please?" "One each," she countered. Would she have let Kylie have two if it was just her? No, I couldn't let that kind of thought get the better of me. So I joined my my sister. "Pleeeeaaaase Mommy? Two each?" Again, my voice was quiet, but calling her Mommy in public didn't bother me nearly as much as the sound of my voice itself. But when I was whiny and little, I sounded less like a boy, so in a way this was just a win/win. I watched Mommy's posture falter a little. Maybe with Ellie we could convince her? And she definitely reacted to that word! So I bit my lip and looked around the aisles. We had seen a few people - mostly teenagers with nothing better to do - but the doll aisle was empty. So I took a deep breath and steeled my nerves. "Mooooommy... pleeeeeease?" How could Marnie say no to that? And her fund - which was fed into by Kylie for this kind of thing - did have enough to cover it. She'd have to talk to Ellie about contributing in the future, but for now... well... she had to encourage good behavior, even if that good behavior amounted to bratting. So she sighed and nodded. "Okay," then raised her finger before her charges could celebrate, "but if you call me anything but Mommy between now and when we leave the store, and that includes to each other, you'll have to put something back." I nodded my head with conviction and looked at Ellie, who nodded back. Both of us had a slight blush to our cheeks. I took Ellie's hand and hurried down the next aisle, where the trains were. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

We just finished posting the complete story of Butterflies on our Patreon. So if you're too impatient to wait, or you just want to support us, please check us out at www.patreon.com/sophieandpudding You can also support us by leaving comments (especially about your favorite parts!) and hitting the Like button at the bottom of the post. This kind of thing is actually a really good motivator for us to keep posting our stuff on DailyDiapers. Thank you for reading so far! We will continue our usual posting schedule until the whole story is posted publicly. ---------------------- Chapter Fifty-Seven We took my car, but Mommy buckled both Ellie and I into the back seat. How could Mommy be an adult if she still drove around on a scooter anyway? I wished I had thought to bring my phone with me - it would have been a good distraction. Then again, Mommy probably left it at home on purpose. Sometimes distractions were bad. "Where are we going?" The walk from her house to my car was enough outdoor time for me. I wanted to go home. "We're going out for dinner, and then a surprise." Dinner should have made me anxious. Food made me anxious; it was like a universal truth of the El experience. Buuuut... Marnie, I mean, Mommy, she was pretty switched on about it and that made it easy to shift responsibility over to her. And heck, I had a LOT more new things to be anxious about! Ellie and I would eat more often at the mall than anywhere else. Food + people. For once, I was glad Mommy had higher standards. She pulled into a buffet and parked the car. Hm. Buffets had dessert bars... "Come on, little ones." "At least try to act like we're adults," I said sharply, but Mommy had an answer to everything. "We're still in the car, Smylie. Don't worry so much. I'll take care of you." I was trying to believe her, I really was. I just... couldn't. "I'm the littler sister, so if you wanna like um... tell me what to do, and be like 'gosh, sis, don't you know anything?' so you can feel more responsible, I'd be okay with that?" I whispered to her, although I didn't know if that was really any help at all. "Sure..." Ellie was trying. Mommy was trying. I just couldn't relax like they could. Mommy led us inside and paid for the buffet. We were led to a booth along the back wall. I crinkled with every step. It sounded so loud to me, but no one was paying attention. The place wasn't even crowded. Truth be told, I didn't know a lot of people in this city. Ellie and I moved here when we got Basic because it was far enough away from home that our parents couldn't drop by. Even after five years, I had only a handful of acquaintances. I shouldn't have been so worried. Why was I worried? Mommy sat across from Ellie and me and I sunk into the booth. I wanted to go home... Kylie was all in her head and glum and gloomy, but I had my own concerns, too! Once I sat down, I nervously leaned across the table so I could talk as quietly as could be. "Um... how do you um... how do you sit in a dress, without um... people seeing?" I'd only made that realization after inelegantly sliding into the booth. "I wouldn't worry about it," Marnie said cheerfully. It was clear to anyone who knew her how much she was enjoying herself. Even the embarrassment on Kylie's cheeks was adorable to her! "Cross your ankles," I told her. I remembered that trick from when I was little. "It's not exactly easy to do that when I'm in a diaper; I can't even get my knees to touch without really squeezing them together," I lamented, and that commend simultaneously made Kylie slink down like she was trying to hide, and Marnie grin with glee. "Alright girls, go get some food. I'll wait to order your drinks." Ellie got up from the table, but I didn't. I stayed where I was, sunken down in the seat. Ellie gave Mommy a tentative look and Mommy waved her away. Ellie went to get some food, waddling ever so slightly, leaving Mommy and I alone. "What's up, buttercup?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Are you worried I'm giving your sister too much attention?" That was a childishly directed question, handling a pretty serious topic matter; Marnie was well aware of the kind of resentment and jealousy that could grow if she weren't careful. "No." I wasn't really the possessive type. Even if I was, Ellie seemed to be immune to that. I'd already had this conversation with her, but I hadn't yet had it with Marnie. Ellie wasn't even sure what her relationship with Marnie was! "Is it your clothes?" I shrugged again. An automatic yes. "I'm going to force you to do some things you don't want to do, but I'm not going to put you in harm’s way. I'm your Mommy, and you know that I'd never let anything bad happen to you, right, Smylie? I'm not looking to embarrass you, to humiliate you; this is actually the opposite - this is normalization." "But it's not normal. It's weird. And stupid. And now I'm involving all these random strangers in a really private thing, and..." "They aren't involved. They are enjoying their dinner, and you're enjoying something that makes you happy. They aren't a part of this." "But what if someone sees or figures it out or something?" "Then someone is paying too much attention to your tush. That's their fault." "But..." "There is definitely a thin line between public consent and exposure, but what if say... you were out for dinner, wearing Lolita? Yes, what you're wearing makes a statement, but it doesn't say 'I'm a little girl in a diaper and this is my Mommy.' It says 'I like looking cute and youthful' and that's fine, Smylie." "I guess..." She made a good point. But there was more to it. Mommy reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "I know it's hard for you to trust people. But I'm going to show you that nothing bad will happen. Then next time you won't be as anxious. Is that okay?" I sighed and nodded my head. Already I had walked from her house to the car, then from her car to the restaurant doors, then from the doors to this booth. No one heard me crinkling. No one saw me waddling. Maybe she was right... "You should probably go see how your sister is doing; I'll bet the idea of a buffet is pretty daunting to her, don't you think?" Marnie knew that Kylie's feelings weren't yet resolved, and they would take time - that was the nature of all feelings, not just those related to being Little. And sometimes the best friends Time had were Distraction and Purpose.

Isn't it, though? I feel ya, boo. I'm more of an 'Ellie's outfit' kinda girl, but Marnie knows how to dress a bab.

Chapter Fifty-Six "Did you figure out what you're doing about your parents yet?" Ellie and I pulled up outside Mommy's one-story house and I shifted the car into park. Driving felt so ordinary, so second nature, but I wondered if I'd be able to do it in Littlespace. It probably wasn't safe to test it. "I figured maybe I could write them a letter? Or send them a telegram? Like maybe I could go back in time and leave them a letter so by now they're already know, and we could be past the awful awkwardness?" "Voice," I said smugly. She had been doing so well all day! But moments like this, where we changed topics after a brief silence, were her downfall. No way I was wearing a dress outside. "Well, I don't think time travel is an option right now. I think you have to decide between telling them and keeping it from them forever." The latter might not be that difficult - they lived three hours away in Palm Hill - but probably not great for her sense of self. "But you're saying keeping it from them is an option?" My tone was hopeful, and she rolled her eyes. Here were the facts: my parents weren't awful. They might take it well, but they wouldn’t take it seriously. And things would be awkward! "It's your call. But things are going to get harder the longer you wait." I had been looking up some medications for trans stuff. She would get boobs. Maybe not huge boobs, but boobs nonetheless. That was a really appealing thought. We let ourselves into Marnie's place with my key. I heard her call from down the hall. "One sec!" "All I'm saying," I said to Ellie, "is that things will be way more awkward when you have boobs." "Boobs?" Huh. That checked out. I mean, I didn't consider that, and I probably should have. But that's not really the kind of thing on the mind of a person my age and my birth gender. Sex? Gender? Who even knew. I was a girl, and that was hard enough to say without getting twisted up in things. "I just don't want—" "Hey girls!" Marnie said happily. Saved by the bell. Marnie wasn't wearing her work clothes or her pajamas, which were basically the only two things Marnie owned. No, she was wearing a floral printed sundress that made her look... well, kind of like a mom. "What's with the dress?" "We're going out for dinner and a movie," she said happily. "Alright." I didn't care either way; Marnie was a good cook. But... "I thought you wanted a Little day, though?" Marnie's eyes shined bright. "I absolutely do," Marnie confirmed. I wondered along with Kylie how those two experiences reconciled. I turned my head curiously, but it was Kylie who put two and two together first, and she was not all that thrilled with Marnie’s math. "No!" "You wanted to take things a step further, remember?" Marnie said with a smile. "I make the decisions, right?" "Yeah, when we're at your house! Not when we're outside!" "We've gone shopping before. We've gone to dinner." "Not in Littlespace," I said sharply. "And not dressed up!" "You've worn a dress out." "Once. And I hated it." "Then you can wear a different outfit," Marnie concluded, though most of the Little clothes she had were onesies and dresses. She would have to get creative. "Absolutely not!" "Big No?" Marnie asked in all seriousness. I felt a well of frustration in my stomach. I trusted Marnie. I wanted to make her happy. Honestly, I wanted to follow this rabbit hole. But why did she have to make this a public thing? Wasn't there a consent violation or something here? I balled my hands at my sides and groaned. "Then it's settled," Marnie said brightly. I found it a little bit funny and a little bit telling that she didn't even ask if I was okay with the whole idea. I mean. I was! But that wasn't always a known quantity, was it? I wore dresses now, so what was a diaper added to that, right? Marnie took Kylie by the hand and led her to the bedroom, and I followed along like a lost puppy. "It you don't want to do a dress, Smylie, that's fine. How about a skirt?" "Skirts and dresses are literally the same thing," I said flatly. Littlespace wasn't coming quickly to me today. The idea of going out in public dressed up was... well, I didn't like it. The last time wasn't even Little time: it was JUST a dress! I watched Marnie go to the diaper drawer and I was quick to nip it in the bud. "Daytime rules! No diapers. No pacifiers. No bibs or any of that junk!" Marnie sighed and turned to face me. "Daytime rules was something we made to help you acclimatize. If you're my Little now, daytime rules aren't a thing. You'll wear what I put you in. No one will know but me and you and Ellie. And I will keep you safe. Do you understand?" Marnie hadn't been forceful in a long time. When she was, it always ended with us fighting. But things were a little different now. When she said 'I will keep you safe', I believed her. I trusted her. So I sunk into the bed with my arms crossed and didn't say anything at all. I couldn't believe this... "Diaper. Onesie. Shortalls." I was sitting on the bed, playing with the polish on my toes, while they talked. Marnie had made her offer, and she went on to explain it. "No skirts, no dresses. Just a onesie and shortalls. Mommy says so, and Mommy knows best." shortalls? Seriously? I knew we had a pair of blue ones that were sort of normal everyday looking, but still far outside my concept of 'style'. It would be better than a dress, but... "What about you, missy?" Marnie said, turning to Ellie. "You wanna throw a fit too, or are you the good sister today?" "I'm always the good sister~" I intoned, and I was really proud of how my voice sounded in that moment; airy and flighty and happy and silly. I liked that! I kind of nailed it. "You're in charge, Mommy. You pick." Bam! "Suck up," I shot at Ellie. She stuck her tongue out at me. Maybe we were siblings in a different life or something. Mommy got two diapers from the drawer - matching princess patterns. No stuffers, so she wasn't trying to humiliate me; that just happened to be a side-effect. Then she went to the closet to get our outfits. Sure enough, she picked out the shortalls I was thinking of. Then she grabbed a black onesie. I didn't even know we had a black onesie! But with the blue of the shortalls, it might not look like the most infantile thing in the world... maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Ellie's dress was a simple yellow sundress with ruffles along the hem. Something a pre-teen might wear, and not completely out of place on a young adult. Could our pseudo family actually pass as normal? I couldn't help but wonder about the ethics of wearing diapers out in public. On the one hand, obviously some people needed them, but that wasn't really us. I figured that Mommy knew what she was doing though; the whole foundation of this dynamic was putting my trust in her to not screw things up, so I didn't give it much more thought. Except for... "What happens when we wet ourselves in public, Momma?" When. Not if. I knew she'd like that. Okay, she was doing this on purpose! She was trying to make me anxious about it! I balled my hands at my sides and glared at Ellie. "I'm NOT doing that!" But Mommy ignored what I said and answered Ellie's question with a smile. "Not for you to worry about, sweetie. Let Mommy take care of all those problems. Now lie down." This was going to end badly, I just knew it. But I laid down on the bed all the same. Ugh... In hindsight, I was always going to be more comfortable in a leap of faith; I didn’t tend to overthink things to quite the degree that Kylie did. But also, I had the benefit of naivety and inexperience, so my brain didn't spend all the time coming up with bad outcomes the way that hers would. "Hey, um, Kylie?" She looked at me, and I realized there was something I was overthinking. "Eyes up here during diaper changes, please?" My cheeks went scarlet and I turned away from her, staring hard at the ceiling. I wasn't watching Mommy undress her! I was looking at her bra, wondering if she would get bigger boobs. But... well that was still sort of pervy, wasn't it? Mommy stripped us both, though we were allowed to keep our bras. Then she asked me to lift my butt. I felt the soft padding beneath it and the light crinkle. Then the smell of baby powder as it was dusted between my legs. Even as she pulled the princess diaper up and taped it around my hips, I never looked away from one of the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. I laid there motionless as she did the same to my sister. I didn't know how I felt about the downstairs differences we had. Obviously I wasn't like most girls in that regard. I thought maybe I didn't care so much, but Kylie had freaked out about it in the past and I didn't want to upset her. When we were in diapers, we were just the same, and that was one of the nicer things about all of this. Mommy helped Ellie up first and started fitting her in the dress. I just laid there with red cheeks, watching the ceiling. I wasn't sure how I looked in that moment. Probably not very sexy, in nothing but a bra and a diaper. Truth be told, we didn't see each other in diapers very often; we had dresses and bloomers and nightgowns to cover them up. I covered my face with my arms. Ugh, couldn't I just be attractive for once? When Mommy was done dressing Ellie in her sundress, she sat me up and pulled the onesie down over my head. Then I had to lie back down again for her to button it up. Ordinarily, I liked when Mommy took the initiative to dress me. Today though, I was more concerned about the way it looked to Ellie, standing above me and watching. "You're pretty..." I mused quietly, maybe out of admiration, or out of envy? But I said it all the same, and I rocked back and forth on my heels as I watched Marnie dress Kylie. "Whatever..." Mommy helped me into the blue shortalls and pulled them up over the diaper. They were loose, but if I bent over I was sure the extra padding on my butt would look weird. She buckled the straps over my shoulders and slid a headband behind my ears. Hair accessories were more Ellie's thing than mine, but she insisted it would complete the 'look'. And it did. Between Ellie's yellow sundress and my shortalls, we looked like teenagers. Childishly dressed teenagers, but teenagers nonetheless. I pulled on the shortalls along the hips and sighed. "I can't go out like this..." But already, the thick diaper between my legs was ebbing me toward Littlespace. "You can, and we're going to have a wonderful time. Before you know it, you're going to be cooing to Mommy about all the toys you want." I had to admit, Marnie spoke with the kind of conviction that could have made a believer out of just about anybody! Mommy touched up Ellie's makeup and took us into the living room. She sat us on the sofa and dressed our feet - me in my ordinary lace-up Converse and Ellie in shiny black buckle shoes. Ellie and I were only a half-size apart in shoe size, but I hadn't seen those shoes before. Then she grabbed a bag from the chair. It was inconspicuous enough, but I had an idea of what was in it. My anxiety was rising, but the warm little feelings in my tummy was keeping it at bay. I stopped at the hallway mirror to get one more look at myself. "You can't tell, right?" I asked Ellie in a whisper, looking at the shortalls. You definitely couldn't tell with her. Maybe I should have worn a dress after all... "I mean, I can tell, but I think it's super cute and I know you're wearing it, so I'm a bad judge for this." Alternatively, I flipped up the hem of my skirt in front of the mirror to show off my diaper for her to see. "I think the wind is going to be more of the enemy than anybody who might look at you." "You should ask for shorts," I said sourly. "Everyone wears shorts under dresses." I didn't like that she could tell. Even if she knew I was wearing it, she shouldn't be able to tell! Ugh, I didn't wanna do this! This was so stupid! Why had I let Mommy talk me into it? "I think if Mommy wanted me in shorts, I'd be in shorts." I nodded assertively, and then took her by the hand. In for a penny, in for a pound. I didn't understand how she could be so... committed. How could she let Mommy decide everything for her? I'd been working with Mommy for months, and I had only just gotten to the point where I trusted her. Was there something wrong with me? Was this all because of... Marnie had a pretty big bag slung over her shoulder, and I wondered what she had inside - did girls just have purses that big? Maybe she'd packed lunch? Heck if I knew. But one thing I'd learned was that it was better just not to overthink this kind of stuff. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Fifty-Five "I don't think this video is working..." I sighed. We had been trying a few different styles of 'changing your voice' over the past few days. Luckily, the internet was littered with blog posts and video tutorials. Unluckily, some of them seemed to contradict each other. We were trying a new thing about "where your voice sits" or something, but I could barely follow along. I didn't need all the technical terms or whatever; I just wanted to know exactly what Ellie should be doing! Why wasn't there a Baby's First Voice Training app? Would that be too on-the-nose? "I'm telling you again, there is credence in the idea of being a mute. And and I'll be every guys wet dream, imagine; a girl who doesn't talk? Chauvinistic guys would eat that up." Although if I was being fair, guys already fell over themselves for me and that was before this whole 'El is a girl now' thing. Kylie looked about as impressed with my banter as usual, though, and I rolled my eyes. "You're no fun!" "I say we go back to the other video, with the girl talking about breathing." "That video was so boring..." "It was the only one that got any good results," I sighed. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought. "I don't know how I'm supposed to learn to talk when I have trouble even staying awake..." I deflated somewhat. Kylie had this level of patience for me that I'd never seen in her though, and that was kind of inspiring. I rewarded her with a few makeup tutorial videos. Then we watched TV. And finally, we looped back to voice lessons. I was starting to think there was nothing else we could learn. It would just have to be trial and error. "So here's what I think. You do this thing, that she did in the video. Breathe in. Center your... whatever. And talk." It didn't sound great, but maybe practice would help? "Any time you don't talk in that voice, I'm going to hit you." I pouted. "You know positive reinforcement works better than punishment, right?" "Hm..." I paused a moment and nodded my head. "Okay, if you can go a whole week without me needing to remind you, I'll... buy a dress. I'll even wear it sometimes." Ugh, this better be worth it... "A dress that I pick out?" It was important to clarify these things in negotiations! She shuttered and nodded her head, and I found myself clapping jubilantly. Oh yes, heavens yes! I owed it to myself to nail this. I owned it to the world! "Today doesn't count," I sighed. "Use it to practice. The real game starts tomorrow." How bad could a dress be, anyway? Though I notoriously hated them. Probably because my mom used to force me into dresses when I was a kid. Mommy and I had to do a lot of emotional work before I would even wear one at her place. Memories of that awful frilly baby dress from last weekend sent a shiver up my spine. "So? Weekend plans?" "Uh... at least one night at Marnie's place. She's swamped at work and I haven't seen her since Sunday." Though we had been texting quite a bit. "Do you feel like I'm encroaching on your space there? I worry a bit that like... Marnie is your jam, and here I am all bursting on in and stuff. You promise that's okay?" I always sounded a little gloomy when discussing the topic. "I don't feel encroached upon, if that's what you're worried about. But yeah, I guess she's sort of... my jam." We hadn't talked a lot about it, but Ellie had been spending more and more time with Mommy and me. "I mean, I don't mind sharing her. She's... uh..." This felt awkward. Maybe we needed a baseline before having this conversation. "I guess, what do you want from it? Are you just there to play and have fun? Do you even have fun? Or do you want more like... a relationship with her, like I have? I just... I guess I don't know what you get out of it." "I don 't know, that's a complication question. She helped a lot in this whole ‘coming out’ thing and that's pretty magnificent." This question was proving to be more challenging than I'd thought. Hmm. "I have a lot of fun. I get to explore with you and with her, and we kind of got to be close, and..." Ugh. "Would it be weird if I told you I was sort of getting into the whole Littlespace thing..?" "No weirder than me telling you the same thing," I shrugged. Though Littlespace was something that seemed to come naturally to me, the past week had been... enlightening. I really liked it. Not in a "helped with anxiety" way, but in a "felt nice" way. Ugh, this was so messed up. "Anyway, go on." "I felt really performative at first, but I realized recently that I'd been overthinking it. I had too much going around and around in my head as to how I should be instead of just focusing on who. Like. I like being your little sister, I think that's way cute. And it's a healthy way for me to look up to you without the pressure of idolizing you in a day to day way?" "I'm a bad idol anyway." I rolled my eyes. "So then you like it? Or, you think you might like it? The dressing up and the..." I didn't have to mention diapers by name; the implication was there. "I think so. I mean, once you uh... once you do what they're made for, I guess that's like a threshold. I’m on the other side of it now and it feels weird to make a fuss, you know?" I was blushing. "Yeah, I get that..." I blushed a bit too and looked down at my feet. Jeeze, this was awkward... "Um. Well, if you're sure you want this kind of. Uh. Thing. Maybe you should talk to Marnie? Figure out your... relationship." My relationship with Ellie was simple. We were best friends first, and sometimes - when it was fun - sisters. But Marnie took some time. She was my friend who I sometimes called Mommy, and now she was my Mommy I sometimes called my friend. What was Marnie's relationship with Ellie? Were they friends? "On the one hand…" Usually I would have debated this in my head, but I was doing my best to be a more open and communicative girl than I had been as a boy, so I let it come to my lips instead. "I feel like maybe I could talk to her now and get it all sorted out with all this other life-changing stuff. On the other hand, I'm like, shouldn't I handle just one thing at a time?" "Well, I guess it's up to you." I knew Ellie and Mommy spent some time together without me. They were at least friends at this point. And they had each others' numbers - did they text? I wondered if I should be jealous, but... weirdly enough sharing things with Ellie didn't seem to provoke that jealousy. Maybe if they were a little more intimate... oh, yeah, that flared up some jealousy for sure. "Just know, you have my permission if you want to be her Little. So don't worry about violating my space or whatever. I'm cool with it." "You're a good girl, Kylie," I bopped her on the nose playfully, deciding against any further discussion on this topic. "I should get shopping for dresses for you." "Yeah, you do that." I rolled my eyes and let the topic fall away. We went back to watching TV the rest of the night and I would remind her when she used the wrong voice. It happened ten times in one hour! No way she was going to win at this rate. That night, I arranged for another play date with Marnie. One night with Ellie, one without. There were a few things I wanted to explore with our new Mommy/Baby dynamic. Or rather, I wanted to let her explore them with me. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Thank you!! Also you're only a little bit late. ^_~ Still lots of story to go!

Chapter Fifty-Four The rest of the night was uneventful. No panic attack. No feeling weird with Ellie. Whatever I was afraid of, I seemed to have gotten over it. But that night, when Ellie and I parted ways into separate rooms across from one another, I felt another twang of anxiety, just for a moment. I closed my bedroom door and went to the closet, pulling the diaper out again. This time I didn't hold it to my chest. I unfolded it. Honestly, I'd never really looked at one before. Mommy put them on, Mommy took them off. But, well.... they were kind of cute. Bigger than I thought they'd be. Hmm... > Hey, you up? Honestly, she had been working late. She was probably asleep. But just as I set down my phone, it vibrated. > You should know by now that moms never sleep. > What's up? > My mom always sleeps > She hates when you wake her up > But that's not the point > I was wondering if you could explain how to put a diaper on > It looks sort of complicated > It's not too bad, but it's harder when doing it on yourself > Do you want to video call? > No > Ellie's in the other room so I'm trying to be quiet > Can you just explain it? > I can certainly try. You want to unfold it first, give it a good scrunch and fluff. > I don't know what that means but sure > Unfold it. Lay it out on the bed. > And squeeze the sides around the padding in and out, gently, so it loosens the fibers a little. > Okay you are talking gibberish can you just tell me which side I sit on? > The side with the tapes? > Sure. > The tapes go at the back, because you pull them around and tape them in front. > Cool. Anything else? > I do bottom tapes first, you want them to be snug, but not cutting into your legs. > Those have hook and loop tapes, so you can take a few goes at it. > I don't know what that means > One sec > This feels wrong.. > I have no idea what's wrong about it > But it definitely feels wrong > Send me a picture. > Mmmmmmmmmmmm > Send Mommy a picture, Smylie >Don't start!! >Sent 1 image. > Hmm, yeah, you're uneven front to back. > See how much lower the back is? > So your tapes are all wrong. > This is hell > I take you for granted > True, but I love you anyway. > Show me when you've tried again. > Feels better but still a bit odd > These tapes are a blessing > Okay I tightened one and loosened one and I think it's better > Show me. > Blah it's probably fine > Sent 1 image. > Not bad! Did you powder? > You need a lot of powder, baby girl. > No you didn't leave any here > And I don't need powder if I'm not using it > So >:P > Ok going to bed now > Thank you for.. all that > No problem. > You should get your sister into a diaper, too, you find her less threatening that way. > *rolls eyes* > Night, Mommy ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

I'm glad you're enjoying it! Kylie's one of my fav characters I've ever written. I've never seen someone get in their own way SO much! XD

Chapter Fifty-Three Noland's dinners were notoriously good; it was one of the reasons I loved coming over here. Maybe my only reason. I liked Jen well enough, but we weren't FriendsTM. I had eight pieces of garlic bread and elected to skip out on the pasta. Ellie barely ate anything. It was almost normal. Like my best friend looking totally different and wearing totally different clothes didn't actually change anything at all. What was I so worried about, anyway? "We should go to your place tonight," I offered Kylie, in a moment of quiet after dinner. She may have missed the earlier comment from Jen, but I sure hadn't - they had date night planned tonight, and I really could think of a thousand things better to fill my night with than the sounds of pegging via proxy. "My place?" I blinked in surprise. Of course, we had stayed at my place a thousand times. It was convenient. I even had a spare room for her! But, well... other than the one time Marnie crashed in my room after the Solstice Party, I had never had a girl stay over before. Obviously Ellie was always a girl! Even if she didn't know it. Right? It wasn't weird, right? Just two totally gay girls that totally probably had crushes on each other staying in the same small apartment. Totally normal. Totally ordinary. "Uh... sure. Yeah. Sure. Of course." "You're the best." She was oddly quiet though, a lot less her usual 'I know~' kind of response than I'd been expecting. We watched a movie with Noland and Jen, but I was a little lost in thought. I knew nothing should be different, but it felt different. Just a little bit. We hadn't had a night alone together since the "I'm a girl" thing, which was... admittedly only yesterday. Yesterday? It felt like weeks had gone by. After the movie, I drove Ellie and I back to my place. She had clothes already in the spare room - she stayed over often enough - but I doubted she would appreciate them anymore. Maybe she wanted to borrow a nightgown. Was she going to take off her makeup? Maybe if she looked more like a boy this wouldn't be so weird. Was that transphobic? Fuck, I was such a mess... "Do I wear a bra to bed?" I mean, I figured I wasn't supposed to, but I knew about as much about girls as I knew about video games: very, very little. I cocked my head to the side in curiosity as she stared up at me from the bed; I was in a skirt and bra and nothing else, and I hadn't taken off my makeup. And she was staring. Was this a faux pas? Fudge. "Uh. Ordinarily, no? Uh, I think it actually has to do with your bra size, so..." My chest wasn't huge; Caroline measured me at a C cup. But Ellie's boobs were... for lack of a better term, non-existent. Maybe she would feel more comfortable in a bra? "That one is from Caroline's store, yeah? You should be fine to sleep in it if you want to." Notably, Ellie would need new bras, ones that gave her a bit more padding in the chest area. Then I wondered if she would get real boobs. Was that a surgery thing? And that led to the thought of Ellie with boobs, standing topless in my room, and I felt warm. I passed her a spare set of pajamas; totally not up to her fabric standards, but they were purple and had flowers on them. More girly than anything she owned. "I'm gonna step out," I muttered, leaving Ellie alone in my room. I took out my phone and sent Marnie a text. I wasn't doing very well... I wore the bra. I also wore her pajamas, and I didn't cause a fuss about wearing them either. But until I bought some more suitable sleepwear of my own, I was just grateful that she was being so generous. * * * * * > What's up? > Stupid feelings shit. > It's literally no different having her here! I should not be freaking out! > Ugh I'm so mad at myself right now. > How can I help? > Talk to me about it, Smylie. > I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. She's cute, so what? I have gone my whole life without getting flustered around cute girls. > And honestly I am not even flustered around her normally. It's just now, because she's staying the night. Even though it's happened like a billion times. > Fuck I'm stressed. I'm gonna have a stupid panic attack over this! Then what? > I hate this. I should be better at handling this. > Maybe it's Ellie you should be sharing those feelings with? > I know it sounds anathema to do that, but I'll talk you through it if you’d like > I don't want to like her. > I don't want to date anyone. > I just want to not have a panic attack please. > Fix it. > Without coming over. Wow, I sounded like a Mommy's girl... > Well, put her in the spare room, pretend nothing's different. > The world won't end, Smylie. > I planned to do that anyway! > You thought she was sleeping in my bed or something?! The door opened next to me and I looked over at Ellie wearing my pajamas. My heart was racing and I was feeling queasy. I'm sure it showed on my face. "So... you're freaking out, huh? Want me to... go? I can." Go? Great. She sees I'm not doing well and immediately wants to leave. Of course she does. Because I fucking ruin everything. "I'm fine," I said sharply and walked away from her, sitting on my sofa and sending another message to Marnie. > Forget it. > You know I won't. "I'm sorry... I'm not good at emotional confrontation, but I can see that you're upset and I wanna be the kind of girl who is good with that kind of stuff. So even if I suck at it, let me try? Tell me what's up?" I looked away from Ellie and down at my feet. What was I supposed to say? She made me nervous? She had no reason to make me nervous. It was just my fucked up mind fucking everything up, like usual. Maybe I should just... talk. "I have anxiety," I said flatly, still a bit annoyed. But the racing of my heart was making it hard to be anything other than scared. "Do you know why?" I asked, sitting on the arm of the sofa. "No," I lied. Though the next part was true. "Sometimes it just does this. And I can't do anything..." "Does it usually help more to wait it out, or to talk through it and figure out the cause?" I was almost certainly the cause; I knew enough to calculate cause and effect here. I knew she was uncomfortable around me. Seeing your best friend as a different gender was bound to make a person feel weird. "I don't know," I said quietly, more to myself than to her. "Marnie doesn't talk about it until it's over... she just helps me get through it." But Ellie wasn't really in the position to do something like that. No offense to her, but she wouldn't be a very good caregiver. Too indecisive. "It's just anxiety," I sighed. "I'm sure I'll be fine." Anxiety and anxiety attacks were different. Maybe this one wouldn't develop. But I was rarely so lucky. "I'd like to hug you; can I do that? Is that okay?" I was more of a 'sit on the sofa across from an upset person and listen' kind of person. But Marnie would hug, and she made up precisely 25% of my sample size of girls. What would Jen do? What would Caroline do? What would Kylie do? "I..." I looked sideways, from the corner of my eye, at the girl wearing my pajamas. My cheeks felt a little warm. Ugh... "Sure, I guess..." So I sat down on the sofa next to Kylie, next to arguably my favorite girl out of the whole sample, and I put my arms around her. Did I lean into her? Did I pull her into me? In the end, the indecision led me down a third option I hadn't considered; we leaned into each other, and I rested my head gently on hers. ...awkward... We had hugged before. We put our feet on each others' laps. We have even nodded off on the other's shoulder. But this felt different. My heart was beating too hard and too fast. My stomach was doing flips. My thoughts wouldn't stay in a single file line, no matter how I bossed them around. They charged the stage, waving signs and screaming as loud as they could. Then my phone buzzed. I checked Marnie's newest text on the home screen. > Remember you have diapers in your closet. I quickly flipped my phone over and tucked it into the couch cushions, hoping Ellie didn't see it. Honestly, what good would a diaper do? It wasn't diapers that made me feel better. It was Marnie. And she wasn't here. They were just a... a prop. Ugh, I felt sick to my stomach. Diapers in her closet. Of course I saw; I was a pixie girl with a short attention span; bright lights and buzzy sounds drew my focus without even trying, and I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Er. Text drop? Who even knows. I sat up nonchalantly and yawned. Did I mention it? Should I? "Do you wanna cuddle in your bed? Like we did at Marnie's? Would that help? I could be the big spoon again." "I don't think that would help," I muttered under my breath, pulling my knees to my chest. I put my forehead to my knees and tried to breathe the way Marnie taught me. In, hold, out. Slow. Why did this have to happen now? Why couldn't I just be a normal person? "So, Caroline, you remember Caroline, from the store? This one time I ordered these gorgeous cotton panties online, and—" I paused on that, wondering what I was doing; she was hyperventilating, and I was telling stories. Was it to distract her? To distract me? I think maybe I just wanted to make her laugh, because if I couldn't chase away her bad feelings, maybe I could drown them out in laughter. "And I get there and Caroline is having this argument with this like fifty year old woman, who insists they're her preorder. So they're going on and on and on, and Caroline is trying to explain things to this customer, and this customer is getting angrier and angrier. Eventually I say 'It's okay, Caroline, I don't want them anymore,' and there is just... silence. Silence while Caroline wonders if I meant to imply they were for me. Silence while this woman tries to figure out if I was implying they were for me. Silence from me as I literally hold my breath." I held my breath at the end of that too, for dramatic effect. "And you know what this woman says?" "Hm...?" Her story was like background noise. But nice background noise. Like a song you heard when you were in middle school. Like I knew all the words already. I guess that's just how best friends talk. "So she says 'I promised my nephew I'd get them for him'. And we're all still silent, and she looks at me, and I look at Caroline, and finally I tell her 'Your nephew has fantastic taste.' And she says to me 'He's too scared to come buy for himself and his Mom's a bit of a basket case.' So there I’m like, what do I say to that? Like, Auntie of the Year, right? But also, is that weird? And then. Then. She says, 'He's about your age, his name is Carson'." Boom. Mic drop. Because Carson isn’t a very popular name and we both went to high school with Carson Radick. That boy was the poster child for toxic masculinity and homophobic as could be - he gave kids like me the worst type of hell. A little laugh broke through my breathing and I closed my eyes tight. Okay. That was actually pretty funny. I turned my head and looked up at Ellie with a smile. Already, I felt exhausted, and the anxiety wasn't even that bad yet. Maybe it wouldn't get any worse. "Carson was a dick... he pinched my ass in ninth grade. I should have beat him up." "You should've pinched his ass and asked where his Aunt got those panties from. Do you think he was wearing in high school? I bet he was. I was. Can you believe the nerve of that boy?" I laughed a bit and ran my fingers up the back of her neck, so I could ruffle her hair playfully. I had no fricking idea what I was doing. Quiet filled the room. My anxiety wasn't going down, but it wasn't going up either. At this level, I could manage it. It was uncomfortable. It was exhausting. But I could go about my daily life. Or nightly life in this case. I let out a little sigh and lowered my feet to the ground. Everything felt like it was underwater. "I'm going to get my pajamas on," I told Ellie with a fake smile. "Do you want these ones?" I offered helpfully. "They're definitely some of the softest clothes you own." "N-no, I'm... I'm okay. I'm just gonna put on some pajama pants or something..." Plus, she looked gorgeous in my clothes. I didn't even know that was something I found sexy! And now I couldn't stop thinking about it. Why did she have to be so cute, anyway? I left Ellie alone in the living room and closed my bedroom door behind me. Pajama pants. Then I could lie down. Sleep would make all this go away, right? I changed into pajamas and paused at the door. I looked over at the closet. She only left those stupid diapers here because I was having bad anxiety last week and she wanted them nearby for convenience. I wasn't ever going to wear one, not without her putting it on me. But my mind wandered to the closet all the same and my body followed. A stack of diapers were waiting for me on the top shelf. This was stupid. Why was I even doing this? With a sigh, I stood on my tip toes and plucked one off the stack. Immediately, the feeling made me think of Marnie. The light rustling of the plastic. The cute pink patterns. And thinking of Marnie made me think about cuddling in her lap and watching movies and playing with toys and getting tucked in. And... I started to feel a little better. I hugged the diaper to my chest, causing it to crinkle, and took a deep breath. It was so calming... after a minute or two, I put it back on the top shelf and went to find Ellie. "Cute pajamas, wow. Why do you own such cute stuff? You have really good taste in clothes!" I just wished she'd spend a little more on them so they felt as nice as they looked. Speaking of feeling... "You're looking better!" I had good taste in clothes? Those were the last words I ever thought I'd hear out of Ellie's mouth. Honestly, she was more likely to tell me she was a time traveling alien from another dimension. I had to take a moment to shake away the shock. "Yeah. Uh... I just needed a minute, I guess." My chest was aching, but my heart rate was down. My stomach didn't feel like it had been tied in knots. Even my thoughts were a little less obtrusive. Weird... "Do you wanna play one of your games? I'll watch and I promise I won't even be on my phone, okay?" Which would be hard, because video games were boring. But for her… I could tough it out. "Yeah, I think that would be nice." I smiled warmly at Ellie - a real smile! - and grabbed my game controller. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Fifty-Two "So, does Noland know?" "Know?" "About being a girl. Did you tell him yet?" Ellie and I were dressed in our usual clothes. Or rather, I was dressed in my usual clothes and she was wearing a skirt and a blouse that she borrowed from my closet in Marnie's house. Her makeup had been re-done and her hair was fluffed and beautiful. The lip gloss on her lips left prints on her mug of cocoa. Mommy had changed us early in the morning back into panties - funnily enough, I think Ellie and I were wearing the same kind from that store Caroline showed me. I kept thinking about it. Ellie in her panties... kinda sexy. But now Ellie and I were alone in Marnie's apartment. She had work. I had a key and I would lock up behind us when we left. "I don't think so? Maybe? I mean, I think he probably already knew, but he's also self-righteous enough that he probably wouldn't have ever assumed." Which, to put it more simply, was to say; "I don't think he'll be surprised." I nodded and sipped my coffee. I didn't like coffee, but it was all Mommy had in the house that would wake me up. "Do you want me to be there? It might be easier with a friend. Though I don't think he'll care." Noland was a socially conscious kind of guy; he had always been that way. "I don't know, maybe? I think logically he's just gonna be like 'okay cool’, and it will be a three second conversation. But I also figured it'd be like that..." With you too, that's what I was going to say. But I bit my damn tongue, because that would have been bitchy. "How about I go anyway?" Truth be told, I wanted to go. I hadn't been the most supportive person at the start of all this, and I wanted Ellie to know that I didn't care if she was different. She was always my best friend, no matter what. "What about your parents? Do you think you'll want to tell them?" "I mean, I guess it's better that I tell them before they find out in some weird viral online video or something," I smiled coyly, but she sighed with her eyes alone. I nodded having got the message loud and clear. "Yeah, I know, I should tell them. They won’t believe me." "I'll be there for that too." Truth be told, Ellie's parents weren't that bad. Way better than my parents, anyway. They let me crash at her place when we were kids when most parents would be like "gender this, gender that". Maybe they knew what a bitch my mom was. But they were also very... ordinary. Something like this would come as a surprise. It was something to be worried about. "Let's work our way up, okay? Noland first. Are you wearing that out? I think it looks really good." "Yeah? You think so?" I was never doubtful of my fashion choices, but I felt like I was starting all over from the beginning now. I had more than a little reservation when it came to putting together ensembles. "Absolutely! Way cuter than me, that's for sure." It wasn't hard to accomplish. I wore torn jeans and ten year old t-shirts. She could wear a burlap sack and still have more style than me. "And Marnie did amazing on your makeup. I swear, no one will mistake you for a boy." Hopefully. "I mean, I sound like a boy, and I move like a boy. So maybe if I just keep my mouth shut and hide behind you, there'll be no problem at all?" Wishful thinking, maybe. The voice thing was true enough. But there were tons of trans girls out there, right? They had to do something about it. And Ellie's voice wasn't exactly masculine. It just... wasn't that feminine either. Hmm... "I'll google it. Rinse out these cups for me and get your shoes on." "You're the boss." This was a world I really knew so little about - what was I supposed to sound like? How was I supposed to move? Maybe I was cute, but was I feminine? Was I cut out to do this, to be this? What about laughing? Sneezing? Coughing? I could put an outfit together, but could I sit like a girl? Gosh. I was in way over my head. * * * * * Ellie and I hit the drive through on the way toward her apartment. Then we sat in the parking lot on our phones flipping through YouTube videos on transgirl voice lessons. Ellie tried a few of them, but she didn't sound... great. Obviously this was something she would have to practice at. We looked up some other stuff about "how to be a girl" but a lot of it was subjective. Basically, be whoever you want. In my opinion, Ellie already had a leg up on that. She already did what she wanted, regardless of gender. Now she just had more freedom. Before we knew it, the sun was on its way down. Afternoon was slipping by. The ice in my soda had melted. How many videos had we watched in this car? "I've come up with a great and original idea that I'm sure nobody has ever thought of before, ever. I'll learn sign language, and be mute. Problem solved." I'd progressively notched the recline on the passenger seat further and further back as our pursuit of knowledge had borne progressively less and less fruit. "I'm all for sign language." It would be fun to talk in secret with someone else in the room. "But you shouldn't be so embarrassed. Girls and guys have a ton of different voices. I think with enough practice you'll find one you are happy with. Look here." I held up my phone. "Vocal chords are like muscles. Stop using one and it will atrophy. That means if you stop talking in a deep voice, eventually it won't happen on its own." Deep was relative, but whatever. "This sounds so tedious, Ky," I groaned, and then groaned again, because I was immediately aware of how boyish my groan was. Aurgh! This was stupid. Gender was stupid. I was stupid. "Then don't change your voice at all. Fuck what other people think." "But I want to sound different! Not for other people, but for me." "Then that takes practice. I could do it with you? I could try to use a different voice?" "I like your voice..." I sighed and leaned back in the chair. This really was harder than I thought it would be. Why wasn't there a pill for this? There was a pill for everything else. "Sorry it's hard," I muttered. "I'll do everything I can to make it easier." "I know, because you've always been there. I had nightmares, you know, at the idea of you not being here, because of this whole... me thing." I sighed, deep as could be. "Let's go home; I wanna tell Noland." * * * * * I wasn't worried about telling Noland. Honestly, there was no way he would do a worse job than I did when Ellie came out to me. But things got a little more complicated when we walked in and found Jen on the sofa. I didn't see her car outside, but I didn't look very hard either. Damnit. Jen looked up from her phone at Ellie, in her blouse and skirt, and stared for a minute. Like she was processing. Then she looked back down at her phone. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad, but I bet it made Ellie nervous. I took her hand for support and squeezed it. Things would be fine... right? "Nole's just down at the store getting some fancy-butts bread flour - I teased him last time he tried to make bread and he feels like he has some honor to defend. He should be home any minute tho." Jen didn't look up at all during that, although she did shuffle over on the sofa to allow sitting space for the new arrivals that we were. So I sat down next to her. It was almost like I'd have preferred the earth-shattering kaboom. I looked at Ellie curiously. Did she want to tell Jen? That wasn't the plan. But she'd figure it out sooner or later, right? Ellie shrugged her shoulders and we both took a seat on the sofa. This was so awkward... "So uh, Jen," I cleared my throat, because it felt like I had about a thousand bees making honey in there. "Hm?" She didn't look up. "I wanted to talk to you and Noland about a thing." "Yeah? A thing?" "A thing," I nodded. Was it warm in here? Gosh. "Do you wanna wait until Noland gets here?" I offered, more to Ellie than to Jen. Maybe if she only had to explain this once, it would be easier? I wondered what it would be like if I told my mom I was gay. That's when I realized how awful this really must be for Ellie! I would rather die. "Let's wait," I decided. "We could watch TV or something until then." "Sure, if you want. You can play The Sega if you wanna plug it in," Jen offered, sounding about as outdated as could be in her vague understanding and description of video games - they weren't really her thing, so nobody ever criticized her. Her sense of disinterest and distraction left me with a conflicted mixture of relieved and pouty, so I passed the remote to Kylie and put my faith in her to make me feel better. I put a show on Netflix; something Ellie and I had been watching. Jen didn't seem to mind - she was distracted by her phone. I hoped it was calming Ellie down a little, but I held her hand all the same. You know. Just in case. Noland turned up ten minutes later. He came in, saw Ellie and me, and started talking about dinner. "I didn't know you guys would be here but I'm making enough garlic bread for a small country so feel free to stick around." "Uh, so, Noland..." "Oh, right, no bread, huh? Can you have garlic butter? There's no calories in that, right?" I blinked, had a brief hard lock, and then recovered from the absolute stupidity of that comment, and shook my head. "Can you sit down? I wanna talk to you." And, I guess… "and Jen, about a thing." "Urgent talk?" Noland said with a touch of nervousness. He looked down at the bag in his hand; it was clear he wanted to start baking. But Noland was nothing if not accommodating. So he traded places with Ellie - between Jen and I - who got up in front of us wearing her cute skirt and blouse, makeup on point, and hair fluffed up with a headband. Honestly, other than her voice, I wasn't sure how Jen and Noland even recognized her! "So..." You got this, El, what's the big deal? You look great, you feel great, you're going to impress the heck out of them. So just say it already! "I'd like you to call me Ellie now. Uh. She and Her pronouns, please." I nodded, but Kylie turned her head at me and opened her eyes wide in equal parts encouragement and huffyness. Why did it matter what I said from here? Why did I have to say that? I know, I know, that's who I am, this is the truth of the matter, an- "So you're a girl?" I got freed out of my thought loop by Jen asking the question and Noland then reprimanded her. "If she says she's a girl, she's a girl, but she can be a boy with she/her pronouns, or she can be nonbinary, or genderfluid, or anything, you shouldn't assume." "Duh, boyfriend. I just wanted to clarify so we knew." "If Ellie wanted to tell us that, she'd tell us that." "Maybe she's having trouble finding the words?" I wasn't sure if them bickering was helpful or harmful. I felt like a deer in the headlights though. "Yeah, she's a girl," I interrupted. Best to put this whole debate to rest before it got out of hand. Though Noland and Jen both took to the she/her pronouns quite quickly. "Oh okay, that's a relief," Noland said with a laugh. "I was worried you wanted to move out or something. Sorry Ellie, but I can't afford this place without you right now!" This had to be the weirdest coming out I'd ever seen... "I'm not moving out..." I was baffled. Why? Because they didn't care? Of course they didn't care, they were my friends. It shouldn't matter one damn bit if I was a girl or a boy or queer or anything like that. I just... didn't expect that expectation to apply to reality. "Y'all are great people, you know that?" I mumbled, equal parts happy and deflated. "Yeah, and I'm gonna make great garlic bread. Come help me, because—" "Because women belong in the kitchen?" Jen teased. Noland went bug eyed and shook his head, waving his hands. "No no no! I just know that Ellie won't try to eat the cookie dough, unlike some ladies I know." I looked at Jen and we both shrugged our shoulders. He wasn't wrong. * * * * * Noland led the way into the kitchen with the bag of flour in hand. By the time Ellie got there, he was already mixing some ingredients. Now that the two of them were alone, Noland was a little less cavalier. "Hey. I'm proud of you, you know. For finding something that makes you happy and going for it. Honestly, it must be hard." "Being a girl isn't hard, it's the rebranding issue that sucks. Can you imagine how telling my parents is going to be? Some people, I can literally just picture how they'll take it. Caroline will clap and squeal and jump up and down. Michael at the tailors will be like '...you weren't a girl before? I'm confused,' but when it comes to my folks... I don't know, Noland." I thought about being a girl, about rebranding, about who I was, who I wanted to be. And so I did something very out of character for a boy who obsessed over expensive clothing - I put my hands on the counter behind me, and pulled myself up onto the countertop, scooting back and dangling my legs over the side. It was kind of freeing. "Identity is a tricky thing," Noland said without looking up from his recipe book. "It changes like... every day. Even if you don't realize it, it changes a little bit. And then there are the big things that mean so much to you that you don't want to let them go. So you hold onto those big things, so you have an idea of who you are, you know? But then sometimes holding onto those things makes it impossible to find the next thing, the thing that might define you even better than the thing you're holding onto." Noland seemed to be speaking from experience, but about what specifically was unknown. "Changing is good. Rebranding is good. If no one changed, they couldn't grow or become better. But people like to hold onto what they know. It's safe or comfortable or something. And then they think badly about people who have the courage to change, because they can't. And it's easy to hate things you can't do." I didn't have much to say, because Noland wasn't exactly a smart guy, but he was wise as heck. I was worried that anything I said to follow that up wouldn't match up to his poignancy. So I nodded, and I kicked my feet, and I waited for him to say something less brilliant. Which, being Noland, didn't take too long. "So does that mean you're dating Kylie now?" I blinked and quickly shook my head. "No no no no, it sure doesn't mean that." "Well, you weren't dating before because she likes girls. And you didn't think you were a girl. Turns out - surprise! - you are a girl. So it seems sort of... serendipitous." "Well, she would have to like me to date me." "She barely knows you!" Noland said - probably a little too loudly - and toned it down to a heavy whisper. "I mean, you were an Automatic No before, and now you aren't. Maybe the Automatic part was the only thing she had trouble with." "Right, but if I make some move on her now, she's going to think I'm only being a girl for her, or to get with her, or to... to go into girls' bathrooms, or something. I don't know." I wondered if I should tell Noland about the series of kisses… "I really don't think she's that shallow," Noland said, oblivious to the fact that exactly that thing had already happened. "But maybe you're right. You made your move, so she knows you like her. Maybe you should wait until she makes the next move? The ball is in her court, so to speak." "Assuming we're even playing the same game." I muttered, feeling a little more glum than I wanted to admit. To his credit, Noland countered with a very solid. "At least you're playing for the same team now." ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Fifty-One Ellie and Marnie reappeared in the living room ten minutes later. Ellie was wearing a yellow pajama set with cartoon bees on it; a frilly cotton top and puffy shorts that hid her diaper. The pacifier was reattached to her shirt, with the little magic charm hanging off it. Ellie looked worn out; I bet she would sleep well tonight. "C'mon Smylie. Let's get you ready for bed too. Then you and Ellie can clean up your trains." Ellie and I traded seats and I took Marnie's hand as we went back into my bedroom. "Is she doing okay?" Marnie would know instantly by my voice that I wasn't feeling very little right now. But I wasn't upset either. I think I was just a little worried about my best friend. "I saw the paci charm." "She's more okay than you were, the first time you wet your diaper." Marnie didn't see any reason to not be frank about this, because it was what it was - something that was going to become routine. Heck, Kylie knew more than anybody just how easy it was for this stuff to slip into being a new norm. I nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed. The diaper between my legs had grown a little clammy in the past hour or so, and I knew I'd be changed into another. I learned a long time ago that I'd stay dry longer if I wet before changing. So while Marnie went through the dresser to find me some pajamas, I quietly took a deep breath and tried to relax. A month ago, it would have been impossible. I would have had to take five minutes just to build up to it! But now, the feeling was almost natural. The heat spread across my bottom and soaked into the diaper, making it warm again. Sometimes I wondered if Marnie would take longer to change me, just so I had time to go again. If she did, she would never admit it. "Do you think she likes it? Being little? Or is it just like... to make me feel more comfortable?" "Well, that's hard to say - once upon a time we would have said that you only did it to make me comfortable, isn't that right? And yet here we find ourselves, little miss, and I'd say you really genuinely rely upon these precious moments of joy and innocence." Marnie had picked out pixie pajamas, tonight; plain and simple and comfortable, the furthest thing from performative. "The reasons why we enjoy things changes every time we do them." "I suppose that's true..." I shifted awkwardly in the frilly, heavy, obtrusive dress. The pajamas Marnie picked out looked so light and comfortable. I had never been so eager to be changed out of clothes before! She got a new diaper from the dresser - a colorful one with ponies - and set everything down on the bed next to me. Without waiting for her to ask, I lifted my arms so she could undress me. "Hey, um..." I wasn't even sure how to bring it up... Marnie lifted the dress above her little ones head, one smooth motion, and pulled down the bundles of petticoats from around her waist with a ruffly whoosh of taffeta. Just as smoothly her finger slid into the leg gather of the diaper, as if she didn't already know how wet Kylie was, and she hummed in assessment. "Alrighty, up onto the bed." I shuffled back a little bit and laid down on the bed. I knew the optimal spot to lay at this point, just close enough to the end of the bed that I could put my feet on the edge to prop up my butt. Marnie had raised my legs once or twice by the ankles, but she really only did so when I was acting out. "Um. I wanna say I'm sorry. For, uh. Pushing you away and stuff. I know I made things hard on you... I didn't need to do that..." "Nobody's perfect, Kylie; for some reason we all just tend to hurt the ones we love and we never mean it, not really. But it happens anyway - it's no big deal." Her words sounded a little distracted, yes, but she was balancing an emotionally broad answer with changing an adult baby girl’s diaper. "It is a big deal," I said sourly, looking up at the ceiling. Marnie untaped the diaper and a rush of cold air made me shiver. I knew she was just trying to brush it under the rug, but I wanted to talk about it! I wanted to talk about feelings. Wasn't that like... important or something? I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance. "You were trying to help me and I was a jerk. You make me feel things that I... I'm not sure what to do with. So I got scared. And I wasn't... I didn't want..." Why was this so hard? "You didn't want?" Marnie shifted to tender tone, encouraging words. "Use your words, honey. I know these are big feelings, but you're doing great." A cold wipe brought another shiver up my spine and I sunk shyly into the bed. Oddly enough, I was used to this: being naked in front of Marnie, letting her wipe me clean after wetting myself, and then changing me into a new diaper. What I wasn't used to was talking about how I felt. That was the weird part. "I didn't want to play this stupid game. Pretending to be a little girl, 'cause that's what you wanted. I resented you a little bit for forcing this stuff on me." Truthfully, Marnie wasn't perfect either. The start of our relationship was more like a business transaction. She would help me manage my anxiety, and in return I'd play baby in her fucked up game of house. She would set rules that I hated. Go to bed before midnight. Don't eat certain foods. It was all to "help with my anxiety". And maybe it was, but a part of me always knew she was being selfish. It was just more ways she could 'mommy' me. But over time, she learned. She gave me more freedom. She let me come to her when I needed her. She stopped calling me every few hours and she stopped showing up at my place uninvited. She got to know me, and what worked for me, and she put me first. She let me do it my way. I never let her have things her way. I never played any further into her games than I had to. I would sneak off to the toilet in the middle of the night. When she started locking the door, I would leave and go home without saying goodbye. But when I got used to it, I really didn't mind so much. And she was right - it helped. In three months, Marnie had stopped caring about what she wanted. Our business transactions were always one-sided. I only played by her rules because a part of me had started to enjoy them. I never gave anything back. I never really trusted her or cared about her. I never wanted to. I thought if I could hate her, I'd never have to be left alone again. I could keep myself safe. But safety was slipping away. My best friend was a girl now. I wore diapers for fun. Even my bras were different. And despite all that, the one person who deserved to get what she wanted was the one person for who I refused to change. I took a deep breath and tried again to explain what I was talking about. "You make me feel safe. Different, but safe. And being around you, I feel this... this feeling. Not like I want to kiss you or sleep with you or marry you, but this feeling of..." Love? Love was too romantic. Admiration? Too platonic. There was something else. Something different. Something no one but her could understand. What was that word she used with Ellie? "Butterflies." That was it. My eyes started to water, but I was determined not to cry. "I'm sorry for everything, but... but I wanna make it up to you. I wanna be in this now. With you. Please." There was a lot to unpack - a lot of ‘this’ leads to ‘that’ - and Marnie realized that the train in her head had left without her. It didn’t matter what it all meant; the only thing that mattered was that moment. "I'm so happy to hear that, Smylie - you really lived up to your name, because I'm not sure I'm ever going to stop smiling after that.” I rolled my eyes and looked away. I wasn't sure what would be different. Maybe nothing at all. But I guess... well, she was my Mommy now, if I was feeling little or not. And I was her little girl. Somehow, that thought made me smile. "Can I please get changed now?" I said with a mock huff. "I'm cold!" "Oh, don't be fussy ~ I'll change you and you'll be warm again in no time, soggy princess." Marnie smirked and tickled up her little girl’s sides before she had a chance to argue. And Kylie was one heck of a ticklish girl, that was for sure! Where did things go from here? Would things be different? Maybe she'd actually have an ally in her project with Ellie, which would be nice. Maybe things would be easier now. For the first time, they felt easier. * * * * * Emotional talk really took a lot out of me, it seemed. And Ellie's first wetting had taken a lot out of her too. Mommy suggested we watch a movie and the both of us agreed, Ellie in her cute bee pajamas and me in fairy ones. Mommy made us each a fresh bottle and let us lay with our heads on her lap. I thought I could make it through the movie, but I drifted off before the bottle was even empty. I stirred when Mommy picked me up. I looked around the empty living room - two bottles on the floor and no Ellie. I sleepily rubbed my eyes as Mommy took me to my room and laid me down in bed. Ellie was already in it, curled up to a pillow with half-closed eyes. "Hey you." I didn't know why I pretended to be asleep until Marnie had left the room, but it was probably because I was feeling vulnerable and more than a little overwhelmed after the night's crescendo. Not to mention, it had been a very stressful few weeks. Or maybe I just missed my best friend, and I cherished the chance at some time alone with her. "Hi," I muttered, sinking into the bed. I pulled the blankets tight around me and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Nonetheless, I couldn't shake the heavy feeling in my head. I was so tired... "I had fun today," I said with a smile. My voice was somewhere between grown-up Kylie and little-girl Kylie. I felt that way a little bit, trapped in an in-between state. I wasn't complaining. "How are you?" "I peed my pants," I muttered casually, like that confession was the most ordinary thing in the world. And I didn't know why I was telling her that, maybe to make her smile or laugh? I so often made myself the target of her jokes. "It gets easier," I said quietly. "My first time was weird too. I didn't take it so well." I was fine at first. Determined to play the game. Determined to be whatever Marnie wanted so she could be whatever I wanted. It was just pissing myself, right? But it took over an hour to make it happen. Then, after it did, I fell apart. I didn't even know why. "It's weird hearing her make a case for it, like it's all about this big grand benefit, some big picture only she can see. But at the end of the day, I'm still a grown up girl who peed her pants. Diapers are weird. But nice, I guess? I don't know. I think I'm babbling." "I thought that way too," I mumbled, remembering all the cynical ways I used to think about Marnie. "You think it's just for her, like she is demanding payment or something. But I think she really cares about us. Even if it comes across in weird ways." "I mean, she's the reason I was able to come to the conclusion I'm a girl, so I think I went into this whole baby thing with a more positive vibe about her. But you're right... you're right, you know? I was so jealous of her at first. I figured you two were just going to inevitably start dating and then I'd be boring ol' El, left to his... her, own devices. This is the first time in my life I don't feel like three's a crowd." "Yeah..." I thought about it myself. I never wanted Ellie here in the first place. I didn't even want her and Mommy to meet. And now look at us. "Well, I'm glad you're here. Even if it's weird. It's nice too. I like having a sister..." "I like having a sister, too." We were both quiet for a little bit, just a few seconds, but it felt like a whole bunch longer. I was the one to break the weirdly drawn out silence. "I liked kissing you. It was nice." I nodded. It was nice. But the memory of last time we were in almost this exact situation brought a pang of anxiety to my chest. The first kiss. And then earlier tonight too, because my Little self seemed to have a bit less self-preservation. I started to fill with worry. "I'm gonna go to sleep now," I said with a quiet smile, then rolled onto my side to face away from her. I was never someone to face conflict head on; I'd run, I'd hide, I'd pretend. I was really good at sweeping it all under the rug and letting sleeping dogs lie. But I guess I'd never been one to be a girl either, or a baby, or a baby girl. So I defied my instincts, and put my arm over her, hugging her from behind. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, I didn't realize I'd be bringing up anxious thoughts." Because it was very obvious in her tone. Maybe I should talk to her. Maybe I should tell her everything I was feeling. But it felt too big and too knotted, like a box of Christmas lights. And I was so tired. So I let her hug me around the stomach and hold me close. Honestly, I think I made the right choice; rather than having a panic attack, I fell asleep in her arms. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

She sure is!!

Chapter Fifty I looked up from the trains at Ellie. She was so cute, sitting on her bum with her legs spread. If I paid enough attention, I could see the diaper under her dress. But something else caught my eye; the little disk hanging off her pacifier. I hadn't used that thing in forever, but it had helped me a lot back in the day. Marnie had it made for me from some Etsy shop. She only put it on my pacifier when I was worried I would do something wrong. Did Ellie think she was doing something wrong? I pulled the pacifier from my lips and crawled over to Ellie, who continued to suck on hers. I took her hand in mine and smiled brightly. "Everything is okay," I assured her. "Lets play trains, okay? I gotta get this one to the station on time." I put the small wooden train in her hand. "Nuhuh. Not moving." I shook my head in absolute certainty, refusing to look at her. I'd wet myself, like a baby. In a diaper, like a baby. Not on accident, but on purpose, and I didn't know if that was better or if that was worse! But the world didn't end - maybe if I moved, though, it might. I certainly felt like if I moved, I'd just gush a tidal wave of pee all over the floor though. Ack. Gross. I couldn't fully understand her around her pacifier, but so she definitely was anxious. Nervous about something. But that's what Littlespace was for. So I pulled on her wrist and forced the wooden train into her hand. "Come ooooonnnnn! You're gonna make it laaaaaate!" "Nuhuh there's been a flood, no more trains are running." I shook my head and wriggled my fingers, trying to squirm away, maybe out of her grasp, maybe out of reality, I didn't know. I took the binky out and shouted as loud as I could. "Mommy!" Mommy was quick to come into the room, and I sat blankly on the floor. Why was Ellie upset? I didn't understand? Did I do something wrong? But when Mommy saw the worry on my face, she shook her head. "It's okay Smylie. You know how babies cry over silly things." But despite her reassurances, I wasn't sure I'd ever heard Ellie talk so loudly in her life... "Come on, Ellie. Let's have a talk, okay?" Mommy leaned down to help Ellie up off the floor. She had a surprising amount of strength, even for her height. It was easy to get the little girl onto her feet. "I did it, I did it, I did it, now you do it, you do it, you do it, you do the thing you said you'd do if I did the thing you wanted me to do." My words were running together, and even the momentary pause to stand up didn't really slow them down or make them any clearer. But to my relief, at least, there was no puddle on the floor. Mommy led Ellie down the hall toward my room, but the anxiety was building in my chest. I wanted her to be okay. I felt like I did something wrong. But Littlespace was strong enough to prevent an all out panic attack. I got to my feet and tip toed down the hall, trying to hear what was going on. "Shh, you're a good girl, such a good girl for Mommy..." Marnie had slid her hand up the back of Ellie's dress as they walked up the hall and felt the seat of her diaper. She was definitely wet, but not enough to be a worry. Once Marnie and Ellie were inside the spare room, Marnie sat down on the bed and pulled her little girl onto her lap. She held her tight and cooed softly, like she had once before in the bathroom. Marnie slid the pacifier between her lips. "Look at you, perfect little girl. You did everything right. Suck for me and calm down, okay princess?" I winced when she sat me back down, because I was sure there was going to be a gushing fountain of wetness soaking her lap when she did that, but once again I was left relieved and only basically reminded of what I'd done by the warm squishing of the diaper. I didn't think I liked this very much, but the binky seemed to help... probably because she said it ought to. "That's a good girl..." Marnie was nearly whispering to Ellie. The fact that she hadn't taken the pacifier out of her mouth and even started to calm down some boded well. "I'm going to tell you some truths," Marnie said gently. "You should accept them, because society is often wrong and Mommy is often right. Okay?" She waited for her to nod, still rocking and rubbing her back. Why wasn't she changing me? I'd been good, I'd done what she said. Why wasn't she changing me? She wanted to talk? Okay. She could talk. Maybe while getting me out of my pee soaked undergarments? "You're a good girl. A wonderful girl. A perfect girl. You did what Mommy said. You make me so happy. Diapers are meant for this. You did what you were supposed to do. You gave up your responsibility to your Mommy. You stopped listening to the world and started listening to yourself. You didn't get anything wet. You didn't leak. If you did, that's not wrong. That's Mommy's fault for not changing you sooner or diapering you better. You can't do it wrong. You aren't gross. You aren't icky. You are exactly as you should be. You are adorable. You make my heart sing. You give me butterflies." Mommy spoke in soft tones. I stood outside the door, catching every other word. I remembered this speech, or something like it. Back then, I thought it was stupid. They were clearly lies. Even if they helped in the moment, I never thought she was telling me the truth. But she was... Tears dripped down my cheeks and I headed back to the living room. This was Ellie's moment. Even if she didn't know it now, she needed it. There was a lot on my mind, when there ought to have been nothing. The implications of this, that Marnie expected this, that Kylie had been doing this for a while, that within these four walls it was the most normal thing in the world and that my whole understanding of normality was pretty much moot anyway by this point. I didn't register a lot of what Marnie said consciously, but it all hit at a deeper level anyway. This was a normal she expected. This was a normal she preferred, that she got fulfillment from. Whether or not I got anything out of it didn't matter, because she bent over backwards to take care of me, and of Kylie, and if all she wanted in return was a freshly-minted girl to pee her pants every now and then, that only seemed fair. Well... as long as it wasn't my literal pants. Those were expensive. "Change now?" Ellie was doing a lot better. Her voice was quieter and her eyes were softer. Some of that anxiety and panic had gone away. Marnie smiled happily and nodded. "Of course, princess." Marnie knew that the first time someone wet a diaper it was an unpleasant experience. It was scary and new. She couldn't control that. But she could control the part that followed. She knew how to perfectly change a diaper. Exactly what to comment on: the cuteness of the little girl on the blankets, the fresh smell of new baby powder, and the soft dry diaper as it crinkled under her bottom. Every single thing Ellie hated about a wet diaper, Marnie would help her love the opposite in a dry one. And one day, if Ellie ever found herself liking the wetting part, Marnie had words for that too. "All done!" Marnie cheered, patting the front of Ellie's diaper. "Nice and dry, and you smell so sweet. Should we get you some pajamas, too? It's almost bedtime." "Uhhuh, please." I would have asked her not to tell Kylie, but if Kylie hadn't figured it out by now, she'd know next time it happened anyway, so what was the point? The world didn't end, I was still the same girl I'd always been, and now I got to smell like fresh baby powder and wear cute pajamas. It was... kinda nice to be spoiled. To feel loved. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Forty-Nine I was sucking softly on my pacifier when Ellie came back. I quickly handed her one of the trains and pointed to the station. I didn't bother trying to talk around my paci or even think to take it out. I was having fun! I crawled over to the station, flashing my padded butt carelessly, and put the train on the track by the station. I couldn't do this wrong, right? Perfect Little Girl? That's what the charm said. Did Kylie know about this? Would she be jealous? Well, I guess it didn't matter because I couldn't do wrong. We played quietly for a while, until Mommy was done with the dishes. Honestly, I barely even looked at Ellie because I was so entranced with my own narrative. The train had to make it to the mountains - which was on the other side of the room - before bedtime but there were people stopping trains on the bridge to rob them. My penchant for video games really paid off when it came to imaginative storytelling. Meanwhile, I was much about about the logistics involved here; this train had to make it to this stop before the next train came so that the first train could be clear of the tracks in time for the other train. People needed the trains to run on time because there was literally nothing in the world worse than running late! I could tell that we were in different worlds, and at the same time, I couldn't remember ever feeling so close to Kylie. I did have to pee though. When Ellie got up, I didn't really notice. I saw her move about, take a few steps on her feet, and I went back to the game I was playing. But the wonderful meal, the pacifier, and the late hours were beginning to catch up to me. My eyes felt a little heavy. Of course, Ellie's adventure to the bathroom didn't go quite as planned. It was locked. Marnie knew what it was like having a new Little in the house. "I think um..." I took the teat out of my mouth when I got to Marnie, because whispering with a binky between my lips was harder than I thought and I was trying not to draw attention. "I mean, what should I do, after I pee? Do I just take this off when I get into the bathroom and you'll come put a new one on me when I'm done on the toilet, or?" I didn't even mention the bathroom being locked; I just figured maybe Marnie kept it locked out of habit or something weird. Marnie had heard a lot of excuses about using diapers, but this one was new. Obvious obliviousness. Come on, Ellie. You're in a diaper! Use that little girl brain of yours. But maybe she was just too little, Marnie smiled to herself. Maybe this could be fun! "Bathroom?" Marnie asked, trying to hide her smile. "What do you need in there? You can wash your hands in the kitchen sink." Notably, the dishes were mostly clean. Marnie had a video playing on her phone, propped up on the counter. Something to do with cooking. "Oh, uh," Hmm, this was going to be trickier than I first thought. Deep breath, Ellie, you got this! "I need to use the um, the facilities? I need to pee, you know? I drank the milk and I was a good girl, but now my bladder's all full sooo..." Marnie stood there, waiting for her to go on. But she didn't go on. She thought Marnie would understand. Of course Marnie understood. But two could play at obliviousness. "And?" "Well, I couldn't get the door to open…" Marnie nodded, understanding the story so far. "Yes, that's right. And?" I rubbed my thighs together under the hem of the dress and took a deep breath - clearly, Marnie wasn't getting it, and that was fine. I'd have to be direct! "I need to get into the bathroom to pee. In the toilet." "Oh." Marnie's fake realization was on point. "Well, that's a silly thought for a little girl to have, don't you think? Why else would you be in a diaper but to use it?" Kylie had told Ellie once before that Marnie wouldn't let her use the bathroom, but that had been very late at night. Perhaps he didn't understand the context. But now Marnie was putting it in perspective. "...gloomy." I sighed, thinking about just how uncomfortable I would be sitting in my own pee. I didn't like the idea of that at all, not one bit and not for one second. Marnie wasted no time popping the pacifier back between Ellie's lips and tapping the little magic charm, causing it to gently spin. "Ellie doesn't worry about things, right? Ellie is a perfect little girl. And that means using her diapers is the perfect thing to do, right?" Ellie pouted and pulled the pacifier from her lips. "Then using the bathroom is just as perfect, right?" "Well," Marnie said thoughtfully, "since the door is locked, you'd have to ask me to unlock it. And to ask, you have to take the pacifier out. Thus, asking wouldn't be a perfect little girl behavior, hm?" Marnie smiled warmly as Ellie stared dumbfounded. The magic charm had worked wonders on Kylie in part because it gave her a Get Out Of Jail Free card. The other part was because Marnie made the rules. This wasn't her first battle of wits over using the bathroom. Thoughtfully, I went to the refrigerator, and I began to spell out the magnet letters in a very clear message, with the binkie between my lips still. The letters read: "Open. The bathroom. Stop having it. Be closed." I had to use a few 2's in there, and some 0's, but the message was clear. Marnie looked at the fridge with a bit of surprise. Huh. She didn't expect that. But it was easy to brush off. "Oh you did such a good job, princess! When you're a bit older, maybe you'll know how to spell some actual words, hm? But it was a very good try for someone your age." Marnie watched a bit of embarrassment color Ellie's cheeks; Marnie's diminutive talk was always on point. "How about you go play with your sister now, hm? Mommy has some things to do." I furrowed my brow, and whined and mumbled, just for a second, just long enough to frustrate me enough to take out the pacifier again. "I can't do that, I'm a cleanly girl.." "Mommy knows best," Marnie said simply. And that may have worked with Kylie after months and months of practice, but she knew Ellie wouldn't take it lying down. With a sigh, she decided to break character a little. "Listen," Marnie said with a tone halfway between condescending and genuine. "I know it's weird. And I know it's a little gross. Ky didn't like it either - it was a big hurdle. But when you get used to it, you'll see how freeing it is. Potty training is one of the first things that binds you to responsibility, and giving that up means giving up responsibility all together. It means not worrying. It means not needing a magic charm to keep you safe." Marnie nodded toward Ellie's pacifier. "And though it doesn't matter as much, diapers are also one of my favorite parts of taking care of a Little. Changing you and Kylie is intimate and special and unique and... so unordinary. Something just for me. I understand if you don't understand. I'm only asking that you give it a chance." "You're asking me to wet my pants, which is something I've literally spent my whole life being told not to do," I frowned. And sighed. "But I guess I spent my whole life being told I had to be a boy too, so..." Marnie's eyes lit up at the comparison. She had never thought much about it, but Ellie made a wonderful point. "When you're my little princess," Marnie tilted her tone back toward caregiving, "you don't listen to what other people say. No rules of society, no rules of your own. Just Mommy's rules. And you know my rules are only there to help you, right? Just like when we played dress up that very first time." Marnie was direct about her stake in all this. Yes, she liked diapers. But if she thought they would be at all detrimental to Ellie or Kylie, she would never insist. "And you'll change me right after?" Not 'can I change?' but 'will you change me?" because she made it pretty clear that she got something out of this, and the least I felt I could do would be to play ball with her. Marnie hated to waste a diaper, and the kind Ellie was wearing could hold much more than a single wetting! But, well... if Ellie didn't break down in tears and have a panic attack, it would be better than Kylie's first time. Kylie probably needed a change anyway; that chocolate milk always went right through her. "Of course. I'll get you ready for bed as soon as you need changing. Now go play with your sister - she's probably wondering where you are." She wouldn't be, because she was still playing with her trains. But Marnie had left an impression on me, and she'd given me pause to think about all of this. About rules - how social rules were awful, but how hers were special. I needed to listen to her. I needed to put my money where my mouth was and put my pee where my diaper was. So I knelt down to build more track, I faced away from Kylie, and I did everything I could to pee. Which... wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Or as gross. But it caught me by surprise and I squealed and fell backward onto my butt. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Yeah, they've still got lots going on. Now that they are more open about their feelings and communicating, they can work on stuff a little more directly. Problems don't just go away when people start addressing them, but it opens a lot of doors. ❤️

Chapter Forty-Eight Marnie was really good about me and food; she always made good choices and that meant it was easy for me to trust her judgments and allow her to take care of me. And I felt that maybe that made it easier for Kylie to be Little too, if I was more immersed in things. Or something like that. I sat at the table, next to Kylie, and held her hand under the tabletop, looking up at Marnie expectantly as she balanced two plates of food in her hands. Ellie's hand in mine was unique. We never really held hands before. Touching was fine. Pushing, bumping, putting my feet on him. But this was intimate. This was... sisterly? I knew he was my little sister, but the way we were dressed - even a bit the way we were acting - it made it seem like the opposite. Mommy put down two plates of food in front of us, each dressed with spaghetti. Ellie's lacked meatballs. Mommy put down one-size-too-big plastic forks with Hello Kitty on the handles, and returned to the kitchen. When she came back - a plate of food for herself - she also set down two more baby bottles: chocolate milk in mine and white in Ellie's. Then she began to fasten bibs around our necks. Instinctively, I began to fuss. I hated when Mommy babied me at the table, and I would often try to argue. But when I felt this little - often when I was wet - I would just whimper and kick my feet. I didn't know if I was supposed to kick up a fuss because - to me - a bib seemed downright logical, especially given what I paid for clothes! But I watched Kylie pouting and huffing, and tried to decide if that was the kind of image I wanted to have for myself. "Now now, Smylie, you be good, okay? You don't wanna be a bad influence on your baby sister, do you?" Marnie looked at me, and I kicked my feet experimentally. Marnie leaned down and kissed me on the top of the head, which sent a wave of warmth through my entire body. My fussing stopped. My heart slowed. My whole body reacted to it, like a drug. Like I'd never been kissed on the head by my own mother. Then she kissed Ellie and took her seat across from us. I reached for the bottle and pulled it closer to me, then picked up my fork. In a small way, I felt validated that Mommy still thought Ellie was the little sister. I was a big girl, right? We were siblings, conceptually - despite the fact I wanted to kiss her more and go on dates with her - but we really couldn't be more different. Kylie fussed, and I didn't. Kylie made a mess of her bib almost immediately, and her hands, and the table, and I didn't. I used my fork (in my left hand, because maybe that was cuter?) to build a perfect little bite, and redefine my relationship with food. I took little sips of my milk, and I I covered my mouth in embarrassment when the suckling motion from the bottle made me burp. I was so new at this. At all of this. Was it being a baby I was struggling with learning? Or being a girl? Dinner was good. Dinner was always good. Mommy was a great cook and I was locked in Littlespace. When my food was done, my chin and bib were a mess, and I'd even managed to get some of the sauce on the very fluffy dress. If Mommy was worried about it, she didn't show it. On the other hand, Ellie wasn't messy at all. Her hands had some sauce on them because she used her fingers to make little bites on her fork, but other than that... I looked at her in surprise, then down at myself. A fresh blush filled my cheeks and I sunk into my chair a little bit. She was so good at everything... "Wha's a matter?" I held my fingers apart like they were each covered in bright paint or poison, waiting faithfully and trusting that Marnie would come and clean them when she was done with taking care of Kylie. But Kylie - my best friend, my sister, my crush - looked crestfallen. "Did I-" "It's okay you two, I got it," Marnie cut in, wiping the warm cloth wipes over Kylie's fingers and face, like she was just a mindreader or something. Mommy cleaned me up first, which was probably silly since it took a lot longer than cleaning Ellie's hands. But it was also nice that she did; I had a few seconds of cleanliness while Ellie was still dirty. I smiled proudly and sipped the rest of the milk from my bottle. "You two go play for a bit while I clean up," Marnie told the girls. She carried the dirty plates into the kitchen, and turned round to see Ellie following her in. "Something wrong, princess?" Though she had spent enough time with new Littles to have a pretty good idea. "Am I doing this wrong?" I pouted, getting right to the point, because I guess I'd spent enough time of my life focused on avoiding the core issue behind things. "Kylie jus' seems really put-off by me…" "You can't do it wrong," Marnie said with a smile, patting her little girl on the head with a clean hand. "It's a personal thing. As long as you are having fun and you are letting take care of things, I'd say you are doing wonderfully." "But..." "Believe it or not, this is how Kylie acts when she gets like this." Not fully true, but true enough. "Her mind works differently. You let Kylie worry about Kylie and you let Mommy worry about you." She lightly tapped the tip of Ellie's nose. "Ellie worries about nothing." "Ellie worries about everything," I pouted softly, "and this is gloomy." Despite her reassurances, my best friend was clearly upset about this! And that was getting my head all in my way again. Marnie's approach was clearly too passive. She had been this way with Kylie as well, and things never seemed to sink in. Luckily, Marnie had learned a lot in the past few months. She went to one of the kitchen cabinets, looking for something, until she came back with a sugar bowl with a lid. She opened it up and fished around inside. Finally, she pulled out a plastic disk attached to a clip, sort of like a large earring. Marnie put the bowl back and showed Ellie the disk. On the front, it read, "Perfect Little Girl". Then she clipped it to the handle of Ellie's pacifier, which was clipped to the front of Ellie's dress. "This is a magic charm," Marnie explained. "If you have your binky in your mouth, you become perfect. You can't make mistakes. You can't mess up. Everything you do is the right thing, no matter what. If anyone is mad at you or mean to you, they will be in trouble regardless of the circumstances. Do you understand?" Honestly, this was a little risky. When Marnie had made this charm for Kylie, she only had herself to worry about. Now Marnie had to worry about Kylie too. But Marnie was almost positive Ellie wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt Kylie, even if she had the power to do so without consequence. "Uhhuh, okay," I nodded, even without thinking - that seemed easy enough to accept and Marnie knew what she was doing. So I put the binky in my lips and nodded my head again. Perfect Little Girl. Now I knew I was doing it right, even if I didn't really know much about magic. "Good girl!" Marnie said with a smile. Ellie took to that trick better than Kylie had. "Now remember, if you feel like you're doing something wrong, all you have to do is suck on your paci. The harder you suck, the better you'll feel. And keep reminding yourself - you have a magic spell. Okay?" Marnie didn't have to fake this one. Sucking on things was a source of comfort for most people on the planet. A leftover thing from when they were babies, probably. That was why people had oral fixations and chewed on pens and smoked cigarettes. Magic or not, sucking the pacifier would calm Ellie down. Plus... she looked so cute with her paci in. Marnie's heart melted. "I'm gonna go play," I decided, although the words that came out garbled by the binky were a lot less clear and concise. I could do this; I could let myself be happy and trust that Marnie would smooth over the edges. Marnie kissed the top of Ellie's head on her way out and smiled to herself. Hopefully this worked. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Forty-Seven The bottle was gone within half an hour, and I found myself sitting once again on the floor. As the movie went on, I grew more and more invested. That was normal. But what wasn't normal was... well, I was starting to see what Ellie was talking about. Kuzco wasn't a girl, but he was a ruler of a city. And he was a stubborn brat. But he learned lessons about friendship and trusting other people. It wasn't like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, but it was like... Brave. That was a princess movie, kinda. Princess movie. Obviously. So obviously! I didn't wanna gush about it, to rub it in, because even under the most normal circumstances that wasn't the kind of person that I was. But I did shuffle down to the floor eventually and sit next to Kylie. The movie ended. I stared at the screen for a few minutes as the names rolled by, trying to think of what to do. But... well, I guess Ellie was right. I couldn't deny it. I turned and looked at Mommy, who hadn't moved to turn on the light yet. She was watching us with a smile. I sighed and turned to Ellie, filled half with irritation and the other half anxiety. She was so cute... "So dumb," I muttered, and puckered my lips. It was a baby kiss. Lips on lips and over in a few brief and short seconds. But it was like an eternity as well, like how I imagined it was to be electrocuted ~ an instant that lasts a forever. I was kissing Kylie. We'd done it before, yes, but this was soft and sweet and innocent and we both so clearly wanted it. Two little girls. "I'm gonna get a cookie," I muttered, stumbling to my feet. Mommy quickly got up and hurried after me. I stopped in the kitchen and hid my face in my hands. I felt like I was on fire. She was so cute and I didn't know what to do and then she kissed me, or I kissed her? And I didn't really understand! But it wasn't bad, it was just so warm and... and... "Kylie, hun?" I looked up at Mommy with a blush. "You okay?" I nodded. I was okay. I was just... feeling a lot of feelings. * * * * * Mommy had to rummage around my bedroom until she found what she was looking for - a set of old wooden trains she found online a few years back. I knew that before me there were other Littles in her life, but none of them seemed to stick. Some of this was probably hand-me-downs. She pulled the bucket into the living room and I sat up on my knees to get a better look. I'd never played with wooden trains before, not even when I was a kid. Mom thought they were too boyish. With a touch of curiosity and a whole lot of pent up spite, I picked out two pieces of track and went to work. Mommy put on a TV show in the background and went to the kitchen to make dinner. "Do you pretend to be the train or do you pretend to be the city planner?" I asked, plopping down on my butt next to Kylie as she pieced four or five pieces of track from one to the other, a serious look of focus on her face. Her lips pursed and pinched, and so lovely, and I'd kissed those lips gosh darn. "Oh um..." I took a moment to think about it. "The city planner, I guess. Do you wanna be the train? Or..." I looked around for another piece and handed it to Ellie. "Here, put this part there and start making a track. We're gonna meet up in the middle." "Oh! We can both be the city planner?" I wondered thoughtfully who would be the train, but I guessed in the grand scheme of things it didn't really matter because anybody could drive a train and we were much more important. Unfortunately, there weren't a lot of track pieces in the tub. After ten or fifteen minutes, I had finished my side, which was altogether poorly organized. I looked up at Ellie, in her cute princess dress, laying down track in a very different fashion; it looked a lot more like a city, while mine looked like a mountain path. Ellie would get up on her feet, walk over a few things so she didn't knock them down, and get back on her hands and knees again. When she bent over all the way, I could just barely see the crest of her diaper beneath the hem of her dress. A heat filled my cheeks and I tried not to think about how stupid I must look in my over-the-top baby dress. "Okay, ummm..." We each had four pieces of track left, and we had to make our way across half the living room. I tried to do the math in my head, but Ellie was better at it. She removed one of her spare track pieces, shuffled around a bit of her city, and started working her way over to me. "Um, mmm..." I kept standing up, and frowning, and scratching my head, then crawling back down on my hands and knees to put some more pieces down. And I'd have this look on my face, concentration mixed with intent and determination. I could make this work. "The people need to be able to get from the castle to the princess dress store, we gotta make sure it can connect." "Uh huh..." I was a bit lost in thought when Ellie tried to get my attention. I blinked a few times and looked up at her. "Put that one there, then do the curved one, and then do this one." "R-right..." I did what I was told, laying the tracks out to fit her imagination. "There!" When I put the last piece in, the wood matched up perfectly, no crookedness, no tension, no stress on the joints - like most things I did, it was prim and proper and perfect. And it was so satisfying! Kylie wasn't looking at it, though, she was looking at me and biting her lip. I tilted my head curiously. We met somewhere in the middle of the living room, only a few inches apart. I sat on my feet and she was on her knees, a bit taller than me. I played gently with the overly fluffy dress and looked down at the train tracks. "You, um... you wanna be that train there, an' I'll be this one, an' we can play?" Truth be told, I wanted to try out the bridge. "Uhhuh!" I was intent to see how many cars I could hook up to one train - the puzzled part of my mind was curious how strong the magnets really were, and I had all sorts of fun and curious experiments to run. Kylie was more subdued in her pretty dress, with her pretty lips and her pretty hair. She was demure. The poofy petticoats meant I couldn't sit in the middle of the city like Ellie could - I had to stay on the side with the TV so my dress didn't knock everything out of place. But the pigtails kept my hair out of my face and off the tracks. Honestly, pigtails just made sense when playing with toys. I was lying on my stomach, pushing the little train across the bridge, when I felt it. Just an inkling of a feeling that had been growing for the past hour or so. I knew Mommy wasn't letting me use the potty tonight, no matter how much I begged. And I was a little girl, right? Three months ago, I would never have been able to wet myself lying down. Nowadays, it was only a little bit of work. Often I would do it lying on the sofa, or even sometimes with my head in Mommy's lap. This wasn't any different - just with a cute girl in the room with me. But she wouldn't know. I felt the diaper between my thighs grow warm, thickening with each passing second. The heat spread down to the front of my diaper, which was new. I knew my cheeks were red with embarrassment, but they had been that way most of the night anyway. And when I was done, I felt a lot better, and certainly a lot Littler. "Come on, girls," Marnie called from the dining room. "Dinner time." ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Forty-Six This was make or break, it was time for a game of little girl chicken. "Well, Smylie, are you ready to have your transformation? Are you ready to be Ellie's Faithful Handmaiden? To tend to her every need, and spoil her, and solve all of her problems?" Marnie said this while running her fingers over a plain white diaper. Utilitarian compared to what Ellie had gotten. I opened my mouth to say something. Something about how I don't care. But Marnie held up that white diaper and I felt a weight in my stomach. I wanted something pretty... "I... um. I dunno. Maybe..." "Maybe? What's maybe, sweetie Smylie? Maybe you're ready to be Ellie's Handmaiden? Maybe..." She ran one finger through her little girl’s hair, and finished up by cupping her cheek, directing her gaze. "Maybe you made a mistake, and you actually want to be a princess too...?" She touched my hair and my cheek and I blushed in response. I looked up at her and managed to pull my gaze away. A princess... I shrugged my shoulders passively. "I guess..." "Oh, you guess? Well then, Princess Ellie, would you be so kind as to pick out a dress for your sister? Check the closet on the left hand side, baby girl." I blinked. Me? I didn't know anything about this stuff. But Marnie was pretty persuasive to say the least, and I felt myself nodding and patting over to the closet. A Princess. Well, I was a Princess, so something similar to what I was wearing. Gosh. My legs wouldn't close, which was extra embarrassing! Marnie took the plain white diaper and returned to the dresser. She put it back and pulled out one with unicorns instead. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and a smile pulled at my lips. Much better! "Arms up, Smylie." With a hint of reluctance, I raised my arms and let her strip me of my shirt. I kept my bra on, though! I really didn't want Eliot seeing my tits. "How's this one?" I picked pink for her too, but the dress I picked out for Kylie was much more elaborate than what I was wearing. This was a dress for tea parties, and royal engagements, and unbeknownst to me, Kylie had never even seen it, let alone worn it. Marnie looked conflicted for a moment, but rolled with it. "That's a very good choice, Ellie! Smylie, thank your sister, okay?" I didn't know what possessed me to do so, or even if I did it right, but I gripped the hem of my dress and did my best guess at a curtsey. ...totally not my style. Ugh, did he know me at all! Why did we even have a dress like that? Was it meant for Ellie? I puffed out my cheeks and crossed my arms in annoyance. "I'm not wearing that!" "Then you'll be a handmaiden?" Mommy asked. My silence was all the answer she needed. She took the dress from my sister and laid it down on the bed. "This is so stupid," I muttered under my breath. "This is adorable,” Marnie countered and motioned to the closet. "Ellie darling, this dress has some petticoats to go with it, they're hanging right by where you found it. A pink one and a white one, could you get those for me?" I nodded and waddled back to the closet. "You have got to be kidding me," I said with an ounce of annoyance. "You can always give up your royalty for the day," Mommy countered. Ugh, she was using this situation to her advantage and it so wasn't fair! "Lay down, Smylie." My top was already off, and my pants came next. I couldn't see Eliot, wherever he was, but I hoped he wasn't looking. It was weird enough we were in the same room - I didn't want him watching me get my diaper changed! "Thank you, Ellie." Marnie took the petticoats from me - I didn't know the difference between a skirt and a petticoat, only that these looked a lot floofier, so maybe that was it. I stood where I was, looking at Kylie, and Marnie reminded me of something very simple: "It's not nice to stare, Ellie, how about you go pick out a Princess movie? I've gotta get your sister diapered and dressed." Ellie walked out. I didn't hear it, but I could feel it. A shift in the room, toward the door, and down the hall. I was alone with Mommy. "I'm nervous," I muttered to her, as she pulled down my panties and unfolded the diaper in front of me. "She's really cute all dressed up..." "Yes she is, isn't she?" Marnie concurred, prompting the girl to lift up so she could slide the diaper beneath her butt. "And she's in a very unique stage of her life, where she's finding herself and she could really use a friendly little princess to help and show her the ropes, so to speak." I nodded in understanding. "I'll try..." But my mind wandered to last time. The kiss. I wasn't feeling Little when that happened, right? We were laying in bed together. So... so maybe if I stayed in Littlespace, I wouldn't get those weird feelings! Yeah, sensible deduction. Mommy poured baby powder between my legs and pulled up the diaper. With the sounds of tapes and two generous pats on the front, I was ready to be dressed. I sighed contentedly and let my Little feelings take me away. Getting Ellie ready had taken some time, but nothing compared to a very formal and elegant party dress designed implicitly for nobody to dress themselves in without help. But Marnie was up for the challenge, especially for her little girl. What that would functionally mean was that Ellie would be on her own for twenty minutes, but Marnie knew she'd understand. "I hate it," I pouted. Mommy had clipped a pacifier to the front of the dress, and somehow that was the least embarrassing part of it! It was stupid and pink and fluffy and I could hardly walk in it! I stomped my foot and crossed my arms. "Your sister picked it out. If you don't want her to dress you like that, sweetie, you can teach her what kind of dresses you do like, because she's new at this. But for tonight, this is what you're wearing so I don't wanna hear any pouting." I thought I might not fit out of the door frame, but Mommy made sure I did. Shame. Maybe if I didn't fit, I could change! But then Mommy would probably put me in the same dress in the hallway... When I came out into the living room, Ellie was waiting with a movie in her hands. She was so cute in her princess dress! And I looked like a newborn at her baptism. I looked away shyly. "Wowweeeee..." I began, with my eyes wide, but Marnie gave me a look and I zipped my lips, preferring instead to hold up the movie: The Emperor's New Groove. Marnie shot me another look. "What? It's a princess movie!!" "Nuh uh. There's no princess! It's gotta have a princess to be a princess movie." "Kuzco is a princess," I argued. I stared blankly at her, like she was crazy, and crossed my arms. Then I turned to Mommy and pulled on her sleeve. "Tell her it's not!" "Well, maybe you should pick a princess movie too, Smylie." That solved nothing, but she made it sound like it was a perfect solution. I puffed out my cheeks - almost half as puffy as the rest of me - and went to sit on the sofa beside Ellie. At first, my frustration was overwhelming. And then, as I realized we were only a foot or so apart, I looked shyly at my feet. "F-fine... we'll watch your movie, an' I'll show you it's not a princess movie..." "An' if I’m right, I should get a kiss 'cause princesses always get kisses at the end of the movie." I nodded. And the room went quiet. Had I said a bad thing? I looked at Ellie in surprise and I felt my cheeks getting hot. A... what? Mommy spoke up before things got any more awkward. "I think little girls should—" "F-fine! An... an if I win, then... then you gotta be my handmaiden for a whole year!" A year? Maybe that was too long? My mind wasn't in the right place. "Deal!" I blurted out, and crossed my arms, because that felt like the kind of childish thing to be doing. Marnie looked at the pair of us and took a really deep breath, but ultimately decided not to intervene. Mommy looked at me, then Ellie, and shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I'll make up some bottles then." I kicked my feet and balled my hands in my lap, avoiding eye contact with Ellie. A kiss? But she was so gonna lose. I'd seen that movie a dozen times - there aren't any princesses. Why did I ask for a kiss? I was just being bold and childish, right? Maybe I believed that. Maybe I wanted to believe that and knew better all the same, though. We'd kissed before. We hadn't talked about it because all of this unfurling chaos had started roughly with that moment of affection. Why did I rock the boat? Because I wanted to kiss Kylie. Obviously. Mommy came back with baby bottles: mine had chocolate milk and Ellie's had white. Mommy didn't usually keep white milk, so it was probably special for Ellie. She turned off the lights and started the movie. Then, awkwardly, she brought us both down on her thighs and put the bottles in our mouths. It was... strange. I'd been bottle-fed like this a dozen times! But I could feel Ellie's hair on mine, touching ever-so-slightly. It made my head cloudy... I tried to focus on the movie, because I had a point to make, but it wasn't really possible to talk with the bottle between my lips. I snuggled into Marnie's lap and sighed softly. My life had gotten so very unpredictable. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Thank you soooo much! Our goal with this story was to write very real, relatable characters in a very real, relatable setting. So knowing that we are getting that across means a lot to us. ❤️ Yeah Ellie is still... figuring things out. This is a perspective I think a lot of people have when they're dealing with these kinds of feelings. You might want something, but the idea of that 'want' upsetting other people is somehow more important. So I feel you.

Chapter Forty-Five It wasn't long before I approached my second stage of anxiety attacks: shame. I sat quietly on the sofa, looking down at my feet while Marnie and Eliot went to the kitchen. Ugh, how could I act like that? Eliot was trying to tell me something important and I ran out of the room? Then I cried for ten minutes. How fucked up can one person be? What could I do? What should I do? She was my best friend, right? So I sat on the edge of the sofa, beside her, and kicked my feet idly. Cutely, maybe, I don't even know. "I don't know how to be upset like a girl. I know how to mope and pout and pretend nothing is wrong, as a guy. But I don't know how to do it as a girl. There's a lot I don't know. Like you know, sneezing? Boys and girls sneeze differently. You don't think about it, but you notice it." "...I think a lot of that is sexist shit," I muttered under my breath. Then again, in a weird backwards way, he wasn't wrong. Being a girl didn't have a right way, but people thought it did. He probably thought it did... "You don't have to be different," I said without thinking. Then I thought better of it. "I mean, you don't have to... fit someone else's standards." "I think I've spent my whole life fitting someone else's standards. Or rebelling against them, too. But that's still letting someone else define me, in it's own messed up way, isn't it?" "Sort of..." My mind wandered from the conversation. The panic attack. Crying. Feeling stupid. I took a deep breath. "Listen, I—" "Kylie, I," We both spoke basically at once, and for the first time I think in my entire life, I felt confident enough to say my piece. "I love you. You're my best friend. You're literally my favorite person in the whole world. And every single possible way I imagine my tomorrows, you're in them. So please... stay in them, okay? And maybe be a part of my todays too?" I stared at Eliot with wide eyes. Then my surprise softened into a small smile. He sure was... unpredictable. "I love you too," I told him, probably for the first time in my life. Which was stupid, because he embodied everything about the word. I put my arm around him and pulled him close, putting his head on my shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm not going anywhere..." "Good, because I'm not going anywhere either. This whole life thing would be pretty boring and predictable if you weren't around, Kylie." Says the girl who used to be the boy. I didn't know what to tell him about what happened. About running out. About wanting to leave. But maybe it didn't matter if I told him or not. Wasn't the important part how it all turned out? Marnie came back in a few minutes later with her hands on her hips. "Feeling better?" "Mmhmm." "Then I think it's time to get the two of you dressed." "Oh yeah, we're going to be baby girls tonight, nighttime rules and all. In case you didn't know." I grinned at Kylie and shrugged my shoulders coyly, because apparently the one who was less embarrassed. It had only been a week since I stayed at Marnie's place, but it felt like a lifetime. She helped me up by the hands, onto my feet, and turned me toward the bedroom. Eliot went first, leading the way. I sighed. This part was always so awkward... "I wanna wear a dress tonight, like a princess." I asserted, sitting down on the edge of the bed once we got to the bedroom. I was pretty bad at talking about what I wanted, so this was good practice for me. "Of course, darling," Marnie said with a smile, heading straight for the closet. I sat down on the edge of the bed and sighed. It was ironic that Marnie seemed to find her ideal baby girl in my best friend. But hey, he would probably look pretty cute in a dress. Despite Eliot's jubilance - as forced as it was - I wasn't quite feeling it. I was exhausted from the anxiety and everything had a light static of awkwardness. But if anyone could pull me out of my funk, it was Marnie and her maternal instincts. "You're going to both look so cute. I think I can make you match, and maybe I'll get that camera screen out and we can take some pictures of my little twins? Mommy has wanted a framed photo for her bedroom wall for a while now, and you two are just so perfect." I rolled my eyes. Picture of us dressed up had rules, of course. I wondered if she went over those rules with Eliot. No diapers or pacifiers or anything like that if she wanted our faces in the picture. But Marnie was always good at framing a shot, and she was always honest about deleting pictures I didn't like. "That sounds fun," I admitted, although I didn't really know how to show enthusiasm as a girl, so that kind of playing it cool guy-talk was all I really had to work with. "Tonight, I'm going to dress you both up as Disney Princesses. Kylie sweetie you know which dresses we have, so could you help Mommy out and pick out the princesses?" "Uh..." That was a complicated question. A lot of my clothes here were pajamas, since I liked to stay the night. But Marnie liked to put me in dresses. One immediately came to mind: a pink gown that had a sheer skirt. It definitely had a princess vibe to it. The problem was, we didn't have a second one... "El could wear the pink one," I offered. "I'll just wear pajamas." I didn't need to play royalty. It was probably more symbolic for Eliot. "Oh, you want to be Ellie's handmaiden, is that it?" Marnie adapted to situations and tones very quickly, and she was very good on her feet. "Is that what you want, Smylie? To be Mommy's Little Helper tonight, and be your sisters handmaiden? I can arrange that, you know." But first she was going to get her two little charges padded, because there was far too much grown up angst in the room. I blinked. Handmaiden? I... I didn't want to wait on Eliot! I pouted a little and crossed my arms. Marnie fished out the pink dress I had mentioned and an over-the-shoulder apron with ruffles along the hem that tied in the back. With a bit of thought, I watched her pick a onesie with little stars all over it that matched the apron. This was kind of like a game of chicken, almost - Marnie would follow this path, and Kylie would remain stubborn. One of the two would blink and that would be that. It always was. She laid out the outfits, the pink dress, the apron with the onesie, a bonnet for the princess and Marnie was sure she had a maids headpiece in her room, too... hmm. Once she'd laid them out, she decided which diapers they'd be wearing - a handmaiden wouldn't be allowed changes as often, so hers would need to be thicker, right? I watched Marnie fuss about the room: clothes and onesies and diapers and hair ties and makeup. She took each piece effortlessly and put them one by one off to the side. She made a show of it. Dragging it out. I used to hate this part, but now... I felt a sinking feeling in my chest. A nice feeling. Even before she had done anything, I knew what was coming. None of the puzzle pieces were together, but I knew the picture. I bit my lip. Marnie would do Ellie first. She'd make a display of it, and she'd make sure that Kylie saw what she could have if only she asked. Then when it came time to get Kylie dressed, well, that little girl would have a choice to make. "Arms up, Ellie, let's get you outta those icky adult clothes." I lifted my arms and let her undress me, wondering when was the time I should feel self conscious about my chest. A boy’s chest. Or a flat-chested girl’s chest. Should I be insecure? Hmm.. Marnie took off Eliot's shirt, and then laid him back on the bed. I looked away, at the far wall, with a blush on my cheeks. I would never get used to my best friend having his diaper changed next to me, that was for sure! I smelled baby powder. I heard the tapes, then the faint crinkle of Marnie's characteristic diaper-pats. Whenever she finished, she always patted the front, just twice. I looked back at Eliot just as Marnie was pulling the beautiful pink dress down over his head, his diaper still on display. One of the pink ones, with crowns on it. I shuffled awkwardly in place. "There we go, Princess, I bet you're feeling better already, in your pretty dress, aren't you? I wonder where your handmaiden is ~ she really should be helping with your hair and makeup. I guess until she gets here, Mommy will just take care of it." My cheeks were red. Pink, really. To match my dress. Marnie's words had a wave-crashing quality to them, and they just kept coming. My gosh. Marnie flattened the dress over Eliot's diaper and started on his makeup next. The same things as before - mascara, blush, and sparkles that decorated his skin like a princess. I sat quietly, watching with a bit of awe. Like... like a magical girl transformation sequence, but in slow motion. "How do you feel, Princess?" Marnie asked, finishing up with Ellie’s hair - pulled into two tight little pigtails with ribbons. When she opened her mouth to respond, Marnie shook her head and reminded: "Lady Voice, like we practiced." Like we practiced? She made it sound like I'd prepared for this, and I hadn’t. I sure hadn't, but the fact I barely talked about a mumble probably made it less obvious of there being any difference anyway. "I feel nice..." I felt squeaky. Did I sound squeaky? I was trying... Marnie kissed Ellie on the forehead and I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest. Then she turned to me. I quickly looked away and stared down at my feet. Jeeze... ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Thank you! ❤️ I definitely know what you mean about trying to sort of "see a person's story before it develops" and all that. I'm glad that El is one of the characters that causes you to feel that way. I think El's journey is complicated and, like you said, inconsistent, as so many lives often are. The trans or gender-fluid experience is littered with complications and inconsistencies. But also life itself is. I'm glad we can capture that kind of uncertainty in our writing. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story! Keep us posted!

Chapter Forty-Four "And that's how things were different..." I sighed, mulling over the cup of chai in front of me. The look on Marnie’s face had said a lot more than any words could have. I was having trouble with Kylie. The dichotomy was astounding. Dizzying, even. And I hadn't wanted to talk to her about it, but here we were. "What should I do...?" Marnie was my first and last hope. But I didn't know if even she could fix this. I just wanted my Kylie. Marnie sighed and took a sip of her tea. Things with Kylie were always complicated, but this was a whole other thing. This went a lot deeper than anxiety and fear. "Ellie, I... I have to ask something. I don't want to be rude, and I don't want to offend you. But do you really want to keep experimenting? Or are you just too scared to tell Kylie the results?" "I don't know." It was an honest answer, the kind of direct and simple answer that said much more than going into any detail would've done. "I don't know if this will help or not," Marnie said with a small smile, "but I think that's what Kylie is having trouble with. Not knowing. I think we both know how worried she is about losing you, but I think this in-between part is what scares her the most. She's not sure what to say or how to act. She's afraid anything she does will be wrong and you'll leave her." Obviously it was unfounded, but Kylie's reality was a result of her experience. She wasn't wrong, just because it wouldn't happen. "I'm not rushing you; I would never do that. I just want to... reassure you. If you're scared that Kylie will be upset that you're a girl, I think she'd be relieved." "Okay. Then I'm a girl." I felt like that should have been a heavier statement to be making, but maybe the fact it wasn't said volumes more in the end. I just said it. And it didn't end the world, and nobody came bursting out of the walls to say I was under arrest or anything like that. Marnie was kinda staring at me though, and I furrowed my brow. "What?" "Don't just say it because it will make things better with Kylie," Marnie said sternly. Though, if she were just saying it for Kylie, Ellie would say she was a boy. Maybe she was serious...? "I don't think it has anything to do with Kylie. I just think you're right, it's stupid being in this in between phase. If I was uncertain, it would have been more of a challenge to say it. But it wasn't, so?" Marnie looked at Ellie for a moment, maybe trying to figure out if this was a lapse in judgement. Or maybe she was drunk. But they had spent the whole day together and Marnie had seen her drunk before. Marnie took another sip of her tea and leaned back in the chair. So Ellie was a girl... "What now?" Marnie asked. "I think that's my question to be asking, isn't it? You're the girl, so now you're going to tell me what's next. I'm a stranger in a new land." I laughed. "Oh, no no no! That's not how this works!" Marnie laughed too and smiled around her teacup. "You can be a girl and still take your time. You don't have to pick a different name or dress differently or tell anyone until you're ready. Or never. You aren't less valid as a girl just because you keep it to yourself. The important thing is: you know." "Okay, but I know I like a particular shade of purple too, but it doesn't matter unless I show people. So... shouldn't I show people?" Honestly, the overwhelming new selection of attire was much more daunting! "That's up to you," Marnie said brightly. She knew Ellie wasn't the kind of girl who liked to make waves. She didn't want to choose her own path. If she were any dumber, Marnie would do it for her. It sounded fun! But this had to be Ellie's decision. The most Marnie could offer was, "I'll be here to help with whatever you need." "Okay. Tell Kylie." Marnie looked at me with stern maternal frown and as she was about to cross her arms, I put my hands up and burst out laughing. "Hey hey hey, easy! I was kidding. I was kidding. I'll... tell her, I guess." I did not want to tell her. "How about we do it together?" Marnie doubted that Kylie would react the same way she did before, but maybe it was best to have someone to mediate. This situation was... delicate. "Okay," I said. "Okay," I said, again, a little more sure of myself this time. I even added a nod of my head. Kylie was going to freak out, I just knew she was. My life around her lately had been so grey; like being forced to sleep on hotel bed sheets. Blah. * * * * * Marnie invited me over again that weekend, and she invited Eliot too. Things hadn't been getting better between us, and I wasn't sure what to do about that. I was trying my hardest, and I think he was trying too. But sometimes trying isn't enough. I knocked on Marnie's door that Saturday and she let me in. Maybe some Little Girl Time would help? Maybe I just needed to get out of my own head. "Hey Ky." I answered the door, dressed in about the same usual stuff I would typically wear; silk shirt, nice slacks, nothing over the top, nothing to make her uncomfortable. She looked relieved, to be honest. "Hey..." It was nice to see him. It had been a few days, and I was wondering if maybe I did something wrong when we were shopping. Maybe he didn't want to be my friend anymore? Maybe he wanted to leave me? But here we were, in the same room. I felt relieved. "Um, so... fun night planned?" I didn't care what rules Marnie put in place - I just wanted a bit of an escape from real life. "I think so. Marnie's got plans, but I actually wanted to have some one on one time with you before all that. Could we go to your room?" That entire sentence had been given to me to rehearse and memorize by Marnie. The rest was on me. And just like that, real life came to slap me in the face. I forced a smile and nodded my head. "Sure. Of course." The walk to my bedroom felt infinite. He hated me. I did something wrong. He didn't want to see me anymore. This stuff was stupid. The baby stuff. Diapers. How could I act like this? Wasn't I supposed to be cool? And I didn't respect him enough or appreciate him enough. And I ran to Marnie with my problems instead of him. No wonder he hated me. No wonder he was going to leave. My stomach twisted in knots and my chest started to ache. Hold it together, Ky. For him. He deserved better than me... "I'm a girl." I went through all the motions we'd rehearsed. Waited until we were in the room, left the door ajar, spoke with confidence and clarity, and blurted it out the moment my butt hit the sheets because I was nowhere near as composed as I thought I was. I nodded my head, holding my hands tight together in my lap. I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. Just those three words. Maybe he was waiting for me to say something? "Okay..." "That's it." I nodded, maybe wondering if she'd misheard me. But she was mostly quiet. "I’m not uncertain about it. It's not hard to say it. It just feels easy, so... yeah. Um. Marnie thought you might get mad actually... so I planned for that, but now I don't know what to say." "...mad?" He looked at me nervously. I looked at him nervously. We were both scared of each other... what the other would say, what the other would do. I didn't want to be scared of Eliot - he was my best friend! But he was the only person I'd ever given the power to hurt me. It felt... paralyzing. "I'm not mad," I told him honestly. "I... I just... want to help you be happy..." "I want you to accept me, because you wanna be a part of this, of me, of... " What had Marnie called it...? "this journey." This would have been so much easier if she'd just yelled at me like she usually did... "I want that too," I muttered, pushing my fingers together. I felt sick, like something was bubbling up in my chest. Either I would start yelling or I'd have a panic attack. I wasn't sure which, but it felt like an inevitability. My shoulders started to ache. "I do accept you; I was trying to show you that. I just suck at it." My fingertips were shaking. But I had to push through this. A few more minutes. "I know I suck at being decisive, and I realize that my warbling back and forth just made you feel like I didn't know what I wanted, and maybe like I was pandering to you? Or something? I don't know, it sounds smarter in my head." I let my hand creep into her lap and I held her hand, because that felt right. "What are you thinking?" "I don't know," I lied. I knew what I was thinking. Where did I fit in this new life of his? Hers? Was I still her best friend? Would she even want to be around me? I wasn't a girly girl. We didn't have a lot of shared interests. There was no reason for her to stay... I didn't want to go through this again. I couldn't. If she was going to leave me, I'd just leave her first! She wouldn't hurt me, I wouldn't let her! "I'm... I have to go..." I got up from the bed and let go of her hand. I left the room, but Marnie was waiting in the hall. I gave her a cursory glance and tried to walk past her. "Nope." Marnie stated simply, putting her arms around Kylie and pulling her into a hug. A long hug, the type where fingers played with hair, and faces buried - sometimes wetly - into chests. A vastly maternal action. A Marnie specialty. "I've been through this with you before. I know that look, I know that posture." I tried to fight her off for all of a second, but I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to fight. My arms clung to her and I felt sick to my stomach. Tears dripped down my cheeks and I pushed my face into her shoulder. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want anyone to leave... "You're safe and you're loved. And you're special. And nothing is changing." Marnie had given Ellie plenty of time to discuss this, and while she'd heard everything - and Ellie had actually done pretty okay! - this was now her time to shine. "I don't want you to take this big feeling into being little, okay honey? Would it be okay," asking permission was important, "for us to work on it a little bit?" I shook my head. Not with Eliot here. Not with Marnie. I just wanted it to go away. I just wanted it all to go away! I kept crying, louder and louder. What must Eliot be thinking? That him being a girl was terrible? That I hated it so much? I didn't hate it! I didn't even care! I should have talked to him. But I didn't want to! I didn't want him to know how I felt, how scared I was... and now I was ruining everything all over again. Why did I do this? Why did I always push people away? Marnie was a pretty good cuddler, but there was something she'd not been able to offer before, something maybe she couldn't have considered an option: quietly from the room, Ellie crept out, and she wrapped her arms around Kylie from behind, and the two of them squeezed and comforted Kylie, neither say anything, just waiting for the storm to pass. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

I wanted to try to do that "dual parallel split screen storytelling" they do in movies. But in writing. Pudding said it wasn't possible. But I think we did pretty well.

Chapter Forty-Three "So, things are okay with you and Kylie?" Marnie leafed carefully through the racks of clothes. Ellie was in her twenties, but the juniors’ rack had such cute stuff! Maybe it was Marnie's bias... "Ummm... I don't know really, like, I think so? But she's so hard to read sometimes, and—" I lifted out a cute top that said something about coffee on it, and held it up to my chest. "Do 12 year old girls really worship coffee so much?" I put it back down, smirking to myself. "I think she doesn't know what to think of me." "Yeah, she..." Marnie paused and thought about everything Kylie had told her. That she had been so open and so vulnerable... without her Littlespace, Marnie wasn't sure that would have been possible. Either way, it wasn't her place to tell Ellie. "She's struggling with some stuff. I promise, it's not about you." ---------------- "So... how are things at home?" I played with the hangers on the rack, paying no attention to the shirts hanging off it. I hated clothes shopping at the best of times, and I never really knew what Eliot liked anyway. "I mean, you've been sort of a shut-in since Marnie's, right?" "Things are pretty normal, as far as normal gets at home. Noland keeps bringing home VHS tapes because his Dad cleans out storage units. I'd never even seen a VHS tape before, but he's got movies that I've never heard of and he just loves that nonsense." Our conversations felt awkward, which they almost never did. I didn't like it. "Fun, fun..." We had been in this store for ten minutes, and he hadn't found anything he liked. It was exhausting trying to keep up a conversation with him. Couldn't we just go back to normal? Couldn't we just reverse time? I picked a blue shirt off the rack - stupid expensive and way too soft - and held it up. "What about this one?" ---------------- "What about this one?" Marnie held up a black long-sleeved shirt with a swooping collar. Maybe the pink stamps of Hello Kitty were a bit much? They should probably be shopping in the women's section. "Oh I adore that. You notice that boys clothes never have prints like that? That ought to be reason enough for everybody to just jump ship, but we’ve got this whole masculinity problem we're all saddled with. It's simply awful!" I took the shirt and held it up to myself, swaying back and forth to pose. "Should I try it on?" "Absolutely!" Marnie said with a smile. "But I want to get you at least some adult clothes to try on too - it's not fair that everything you wear caters to my specific interests." Marnie took the Hello Kitty shirt from Ellie and draped it over her arm. "Let's head to the women's section." ---------------- "Maybe if we head to the women's section," I muttered under my breath. I had been watching him glance longingly for a few minutes now and I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. I shifted from one foot to the other and looked down at my feet. I'll wait outside. No, that's rude. I have to at least try, right? "Sure... I guess..." "You don't have to come if you don't want to, I know you're not really..." How did I say this? How did I word it? Hmm. I didn't want to offend her, and this felt like confrontation no matter how I did it. "Actually, maybe we could just look at shoes?" "No, no, it's fine, really!" And shoe shopping was just about the only thing worse than clothes shopping. "Come on, let's find something you like. It doesn't matter where you get it, right?" ---------------- "Where you shop is important," Marnie explained. "If you only get clothes from the juniors’ section, you might feel like it's just dress up. Or like you're just doing it for me. You have to find your own style, and that means branching out a bit. Right?" Marnie wondered idly if she would need a hand basket. Their quick shopping trip had lasted half an hour and she was carrying three shirts over her arm. "I feel like the juniors’ section is all super duper cute, but childish, and then the woman's section is all crazy mature like I'm forty, and there's nothing in between the two of them. Where's the 'I'm a cute young adult lady' section? Do they have that?" "I think you aren't looking in the right places," Marnie said with a smile. "Don't look at the blouses or the pants or any of that - check out the dresses or the skirts!" Marnie was actually quite proud of how well Ellie was handling today's trip. When she offered, she wasn't even sure Ellie would take her up on it. Plus, the fabrics at this store weren't really up to Ellie's qualifications... maybe those rules were less strict than she originally thought. "And you can mix and match too. Like... a skirt from the women's section with a shirt from the junior's? Or a cardigan from the junior's with a blouse from the women's? You know all about layering - I've seen your vests." ---------------- "All these clothes look like they're meant for forty-year old women," I said dryly, leaning against the wall. I'd given up on shopping, but Eliot was still looking for the 'perfect thing'. I didn't know how he did it... I could barely tolerate shopping for clothes online. "It's just a matter of perspective. I don't know, maybe that's just what girls wear?" Girls. I shouldn't have said girls. Kylie looked so uncomfortable. This was such a bad idea... I waited around another few minutes until he found something he liked. A dress shirt, with curled sleeves and a line of buttons. I didn't look very girly, I guess, but maybe that's what he was going for? I could say it's cute. Was that insulting? Cute, for a boy? Or handsome? Would that be too much? I'd never called anything handsome before. Maybe a neutral question... "Are you going to try that on?" ---------------- "Are you ready to try stuff on?" Marnie asked. Ellie had found two more shirts she liked and even a skirt! As much as Marnie longed to put her in dresses, she knew Ellie was taking things at her own pace. The best thing she could be was supportive. "I think so? Like I think I've got enough, although I worry about not having a proper bra to go with this - Caroline has been on my tush about how I need a different bra for every outfit, and I don't know squat about that." A different bra for every outfit. Marnie had to make sure she heard that right. If she had to count, Marnie only had three bras. Though her breasts were quite large... finding a bra in her size was always a chore. "Let me put it this way," Marnie said, "anyone who is close enough to see your bra probably doesn't care what it looks like. They'll be distracted by the rest of you." ---------------- I should have just waited outside, but Eliot needed to know if the shirt looked good on him. Like I would know? And he wasn't willing to come out of the dressing room in a woman's shirt. So I stood staring at my feet and tried my hardest not to stare at the adorable boy in nothing but pants and a bra. Jeeze... He pulled the blouse over his shoulders and started button it up. Unlike his fluffy sweater, this shirt showed every curve of the bra. The empty cups weren't that impressive, but he looked like he had boobs nonetheless. Small, cute boobs. "What do you think?" I pouted, looking at myself in the mirror with a bit of trepidation in my pose, partly because I didn't want to be here with Kylie and partly because I didn't know what was supposed to look good on me. "Yeah... I like it." I could only look at him for a few moments. Thoughts of last weekend swirled around in my head. His hair done cute. His lips close to mine. Our kiss. I felt a touch of color reach my cheeks and looked away. "It's very..." Cute? Handsome? "You." ---------------- "Oh my goodness, Ellie! You are so adorable!" Marnie's eyes were filled with stars, looking at the young girl in her button up shirt and pleated pink skirt. With a bit of hair spray, some lip gloss, and maybe a bit of contouring, she would look prettier than Kylie! Ahh, if only a diaper were forcing her thighs apart... "Okay, you are absolutely getting that outfit! And we need to stop at the make-up counter too, because you're depriving the world of your cuteness." "I don't know anything about makeup. Like I think I know nail polish, and lipgloss? But I'm like that little girl who's not allowed to wear makeup unless her Mommy does it, so I'm kind of out of my depth here!" Marnie smirked. Ellie was clearly feeding into Marnie's caregiver side, but she didn't mind. Somehow, Marnie and Ellie's relationship had developed a lot in the past few weeks. Marnie was even starting to suspect Ellie liked it a little bit, being her little girl. "Come on, Ellie." Marnie put her arm around her and held her close. "We've got a long road ahead of us." ---------------- "So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" I paused awkwardly by my car. Eliot was heading home after a long day of shopping. He didn't even buy anything, not even that one shirt he looked pretty good in. Maybe things would get easier... maybe this was a fluke. But a part of me knew that things had changed, and they couldn't go back to the way they were. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Forty-Two I wanted to text him. I wanted to apologize. But every time I went to type something, it sounded stupid. Maybe he didn't want to talk to me? I didn't even blame him. I kept thinking he would send me a message - I checked my phone every ten minutes! Maybe if he did, I could tell him how sorry I was? But this wasn't his fault. I shouldn't expect him to fix it. I tried to go to his place a few times, but I couldn't bring myself to go up to the door. I would have a panic attack, call Marnie, and drive home under a raincloud of self-hate. I didn't know what I was going to do! Until there was a knock on my door. I thought it was Marnie - she came over a lot that week. I didn't want to stay at her place in case Eliot came looking for me, so she would stop by with food and cuddles. That's why I answered my door in pajamas, but I found Eliot on my doorstep instead. I thought if I saw him, I would know what to say. But I froze up. "Relax. I'm going to come in now?" I tried to show her my best little smile too, to be disarming; all stuff I'd read about online in how to handle confrontations. "Sure..." I stepped aside and let Eliot in. I hadn't showered in two days. I didn't have my hair brushed or any nice clothes on. Ugh, I didn't think he would come here... but he was here now. I closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. About... at Marnie's. I didn't..." "I know, and I'm sorry that I didn't message you or anything. I had to figure some stuff out." And I still didn't know if I had, to be honest. "I wasn't fair to you," I said quietly, under my breath. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down at my feet. This was harder than I thought it would be... "I didn't mean what I said. I... I want you to be happy, and... I don't... uh..." I sat down on her sofa and I took a deep breath while I waited for her to finish what she was saying. Give her time to speak. Make sure to listen. "You're legit the most special person in the world to me." "I know..." I closed my eyes and tried to steel myself. Why was this so hard? I knew everything I'd done wrong - I had reminded myself a thousand times over the past few days. "I'm scared... of things being different. I don't like change, you know that. And... and I lashed out at you, because things were new and weird and... and that's not any excuse for how I acted or what I said. I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean any of it..." "I literally called you the worst thing I could call you, so let's say we’re even and just agree that we adore each other." He did? What did he call me? I didn't even remember. But I wasn't about to throw away his generosity on the situation. I wanted all this to be over. "Okay. It's over and done with." Except, it wasn't. There was still something we had to talk about. I took a seat next to him on the sofa and looked down at my bare feet. I wished I had taken a shower this morning... "If you... if you really do want... you know. I'll support you. I promise. You're my best friend..." "I don't know what I want, which is why I was experimenting with Marnie. It’s why I had to try things and mess around and make mistakes and discover new things. And I want my favorite person in the whole wide world to be there for that." "Right..." That made sense. Ugh, did I have to ruin everything? There was a pause between us. What did this mean? Where did this leave us? Was everything back to normal? Was he going to be a girl at Marnie's now? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. But this wasn't about me. It took me a few moments to collect my thoughts, but with a breath I did my best. "Look... if you're not on board with it, that's fine, I can experiment on my own. But any day when you're not in it is a pretty lousy day." "No, that's... that's not what I meant." I bit my lip and looked out the window. I hadn't been outside in a few days. It looked nice out... "I just... want to help however I can." Even if it means dealing with some feelings I'd rather not deal with... "What're you thinking, Kylie? Legitimately, what's on your mind? No holds barred, nothing censored." Nothing censored. I might be romantically interested in you from the perspective that you might be a girl, or maybe that's just my little-girl feelings getting the better of me? No, I couldn't get into that. And I didn't want to influence his decision, either. If he was a girl, then... well, I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. "I just want you to figure things out. And I want to help. That's probably the guilt talking, because helping you be a different person is anathema to me. But... well, I want to help anyway. So..." "You know that I won't be a different person, right? I'm like..." I didn't even know an analogy that could explain it. "I'll still be El, is what I mean." "Right..." I knew what he meant: gender doesn't define a person. But that's not what I was talking about. I was allowing him room to grow. To explore. To 'experiment' or whatever. And that meant he would change too. Not his gender, but all of him. He would still be Eliot, he always would be. But he'd be a new one. Maybe one who didn't want me. I shook the thought away and forced a smile. "Well, I'll support you, even if you don't want to be El anymore." "We’ve been best friends for ten years, so you're probably going to be my anchor point; my rock if I ever can't figure out like... my values, or what's important, or anything like that. You're what I trust most, Ky." "That's probably not very healthy," I said with a smirk. But... well, his stupidity reassured me. Putting his faith in me wasn't the best choice, I was sure, but it certainly made me feel indispensable. It gave me some confidence. "Okay, so Experiment One. What do you want me to call you? Do you have preferred pronouns?" "I don't know, and I don't know." I nodded with all the confidence of an aquaphobic scuba diver. "It's an experiment, Eliot," I said sharply. Honestly, I sounded much more like myself. "You have to try things, so you can figure out what works and what doesn't. So pick, or I'll pick for you. And you don't want that." "Oh, I don't? You'll name me like one of your video game heroines? I'll be Vamplexican the Bloodlover's Bride?" I didn't know if I got that right, but she did have some wild names. "Probably," I said with a smile. "So do you want to take your chances, or are you going to pick?" Eliot never was good at making decisions. Then again, the stakes were high. Maybe he would surprise me. "Base it how I'm dressed, and how you perceive me. It'll help me to figure out what I like, how comfortable I am with what, and how my choices compare with what other people think. Eliot and He if you think I look like a boy, Ellie and She if you think I look like a girl." "Oh, uh... alright." That wouldn't get too confusing. Right? And it wasn't very different to the way we were doing it before. When he was at Marnie's, he was a girl. But that was always the only time he dressed like a girl. Sounded like things were getting back to normal. Speaking of... "Wanna go to the mall? I'm starving..." I'd have to shower first. "That sounds okay. Maybe we can go shopping for some stuff after eating? I came prepared..." I pulled gently at the neck hole of my baggy loose sweater to show her the bra strap hidden under my top. Jeeze, he was cute sometimes. "Sure, why not. But we're stopping at the game store too! I beat all the ones I have." I got up off the sofa and went to get ready. Maybe I didn't have as much to worry about as I thought. Maybe he wasn't even a girl! But I wasn't ever so lucky. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!