Sophie ♥

Chapter Ninety-Three "Oh, someone's been busy..." I followed Ellie up the walkway to Marnie's house. The tree out front was decorated with that fuzzy fake spider web stuff and there were orange lights wrapped around the railing. It was just barely October. "She said she ordered like sixty pounds of candy. Or maybe like sixty pounds worth of candy? Like the British money? I don't know. She loves Halloween though, like a lot." Whereas Kylie spent a lot of time discussing personal feelings with Marnie, I explored a lot of the trivialities of life with her. I rolled my eyes and followed Ellie up to the door. Ellie had her own key now, but she used the one on my key ring - since she was driving my car - to let us in. The inside was decorated with cute little bats and pumpkins, but not nearly as scary as the porch. "Hello?" I called out. "Trick or treat?" "It's not Halloween quite yet, sweetheart," Marnie called out from her bedroom, and then added as she emerged, "but I know dates are hard for a girl your age. I love October. Apple orchards, haunted houses, pumpkin carving. That fun stuff. Don't you like Halloween?" "When I was like, five." Truth be told, I didn't do a lot of trick-or-treating. My house was pretty far away from the suburbs. By the time I met Ellie, we were too old for all that stuff. "Oh, so it'll be a few years before you can enjoy it, huh?" I nudged Kylie and Marnie shot me a look with raised eyebrows. "It'll be even longer for you, Baby Sister Ellie, if you keep teasing." I stuck out my tongue at Ellie and I watched her internal struggle. Keep arguing, risk a spanking. The last one hadn't gone so well; she was such a crybaby! In the end, she shut up. Good decision, Ellie. "Maybe I should take the two of you trick-or-treating," Marnie mused. "With your diapers on display, no one would mistake you for big kids anyway." Ellie and I both stared at Mommy with bewilderment. She... she was kidding, right? She couldn't do that, right? "I'd be a Princess..." I muttered, crossing my arms and looking down and away a little bit, "and a Princess would never have her diaper on display." "Well, Princess, I'm rather sure that your Queen decides rules like that, so you'd best behave. Now, who wants a cuddle?" She held her arms out wide. Marnie was quick with a hug, pulling us both into her arms, and patting each of our bottoms. She always did that when we arrived, and often for good reason. "Ah, Smylie's the little girl today, hm? That's unusual." Like she couldn't tell from my outfit! "I didn't get a choice," I said sharply, glaring sideways at my girlfriend. I puffed out my blushing cheeks. "Hey now, I'm coming to like the power trip of being the one in charge, maybe I'll keep it that way?" Marnie pinched my behind through my dress and looked at Kylie. "Did you hear that, Kylie? Your baby sister thinks she's bigger than you all the time, even though she's always wetter when she wakes up? She's got a very active imagination now, doesn't she?" "Hey! I'm right here you know." "Uh huh!" I grinned at Ellie. "And Mommy, remember last time? She spilled oatmeal all over her bib, but I didn't get any on mine." See, this was what I needed! An ally! "Oh, that's true, I'm not sure your sister is really ready for solids at all." "Hey that's fine with me! I don't even like eating." I crossed my arms and puffed my cheeks. I'd learned to pout from Kylie, with some lessons from Prim along the way. I was getting good at it! "You're awful sassy tonight, Little Miss Ellie," Mommy scooped her up in her arms and set her gently on her hip. I was still so surprised when Mommy picked one of us up, even after months of watching it happen. I followed behind them into our bedroom at the end of the hall. "Maybe you need a punishment, hm?" Marnie asked Ellie, setting her gently on the bed. "Would that help you fall in line?" "What? No, no way, I've been babysitting Kylie, I've been good! You know she teased me when I didn't want to use the bathroom at the mall? She definitely needs the punishment, not me." "Ah, yes. You're afraid of the potty, right?" "Well, that's not—" Mommy cut her off and I smirked from the doorway. "If you're so scared of the potty, then you can wear diapers to the mall, how's that? Any time you step foot in that place for the next week, you better be diapered. And your big sister will tell me if you aren't." "Sure will," I smiled cheerily. Playing 'good girl' was so much fun sometimes! "What! Momma, no! No no, I have a... there's an order from the store I gotta pick it up. How about! How about...! One day, in diapers, here. We'll do it now, uh huh, won't that be good? I'll show you how good I am, and..." I was definitely being fussy. I didn't do this often, cause it made me feel foolish, but it felt right at the moment. "You aren't arguing, are you Ellie?" Mommy took a stern tone and stood over her little charge. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Because we have ways of dealing with that." "I think she is, Mommy," I added from the doorway, rocking back and forth on my heels. "Kylie! Shh, I was so good to you today. I took good care of you, tell Mommy about it, okay?" ‘Ways of dealing with that’ was a kind of wording that made me both anticipatory and nervous, because we'd found out not too long ago that I was one heck of a crybaby. "Oh, uh huh. Let's see... she was very rough with me." I nodded my head, recalling this morning. "She pushed me down and dressed me in things I didn't want to wear, didn't listen to a thing I said. Then she took me out and paraded me in front of her friend at the store. And she called me a brat! Three times, I think." All of that was technically true! "Is that right?" Marnie didn't take the time for Ellie to defend herself. She sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed Ellie by the collar of her blouse. In a sift motion, Ellie was pulled down over Marnie's lap, her bottom high in the air. "Wai-wai-wait, no no! I'll be good! Diapers for a week! Okay okay, I'll be good!" Crying was awful! It was all the indignity of laughing with all the inelegance of being soaked wet from the rain, I didn't wanna be spanked again! Marnie was a smart girl, and she had learned in her years of experience that everyone had a different weakness. She couldn't spank Kylie; there was something there that Kylie didn't talk about, and she quickly became angry or despondent. It didn't deter her behavior, and - more importantly - it wasn't fun. Marnie didn't enjoy it. Kylie didn't enjoy it. It took a few months to find something that did work: a safe-to-ingest liquid soap, lemon flavored. She hated it with a passion. More importantly, it didn't seem to break her Littlespace. Marnie loved threatening it, and Kylie saw it as a threat. It worked perfectly. Ellie, on the other hand, was easier to figure out. She had the pain tolerance of an actual child, and a few strong spankings would send her to tears. It also had the added benefit of dropping her instantly into Littlespace. With that in mind, Marnie lifted Ellie's skirt and spanked the seat of her panties sharply, with her bare hand. "Owww! Ow ow ow!" I kicked my feet and was met with three more sharp smacks. By that time, I was crying and shaking my head and feeling completely and utterly Little. "Momma no, no, Momma I'm sorry, I'll be a good girl…" I was blubbery. "You know, Ellie," Mommy cooed. "This wouldn't be so bad if your bottom was protected with a thick soft diaper, would it? If only you had realized that earlier..." Another two spankings slapped down on Ellie's bottom. "Uh huh, uh huh..." I sniffled inelegantly and put my hands over my face in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Mommy, I was just trying to help an be a good girl…" "Good girls wear their diapers to the mall," Mommy said softly, rubbing the seat of Ellie's panties. "Good girls know that the potty is scary, and take precautious. So I'll ask you again. Are you a good girl? Do you agree to wear your diapers whenever you go to the mall?" "Uh huh Mommy..." I didn't want to, not one bit, but my head was full of knowledge that she was just right and she knew best and I could avoid so many problems if I just listened to her. I smiled smugly, looking at my girlfriend's tear-stained cheeks. Gosh, she was cute like that! Maybe I needed to spank her more... "And your sister will be wearing them to support you, like good sisters do." "Wait, what? No way!" I puffed out my cheeks in indignation. "She was the bad girl!" "And you're the one in the wet diaper," Mommy said plainly. "Obviously you can't be trusted either." "That's not fair! That's stupid!" "Well, if you want to use words like that, we can get the soap out. Or, perhaps the caster oil?" I froze in place. She had only subbed in the caster oil once, a few weeks ago, when I caused such a mess with the glitter that she was cleaning up for hours. It tasted just as bad as the soap, with an unfortunate side-effect. My tummy churned at the mention of it and I bit my lip shyly. I'd seen her getting soaped before, but this was the first I'd heard about castor oil. I sniffled and thought to be curious because it seemed to strike a nerve with Kylie. "Wha's castor oil, Mommy?" "Oh, just something for very bad girls. But you aren't a bad girl, are you sweetie?" Mommy lightly patted Ellie's bottom to remind her what a precarious situation she was in. Then she looked up at Kylie. "What about you?" Diapers whenever we went to the mall? Then... then we wouldn't go to the mall! Right? But no mall for an entire week? That sounded awful. But that caster oil... I shook my head and looked at my feet. Maybe if I wasn't already in a wet diaper, I could fight better. "I'll be good, Mommy..." ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Nope! A few more chapters. But we're in the epilogue now. ❤️

Chapter Ninety-Two ~One Month Later~ "This sucks." "What's wrong, babygirl?" I teased in her ear. "Gotta use the potty?" Ellie glared at me through the lenses of her fake glasses. She hated using public toilets! As confident as she was about being a girl, there was some sort of barrier in her mind about going into the girl's bathroom. I thought she was being stupid - she looked more like a girl than me most days! Not today, though. My hair was tied back in low pigtails and I had a pink onesie beneath my shortalls. I hated going out like this, but Ellie didn't give me a choice. "Mayyybeeee," I whispered softly, "you shouldn't have insisted on these silly dress up games. We both know you're happier in diapers." "Kylie," I turned and put my hand on her cheek, pressing her softly against the wall of the mall corridor just firm enough for be reminded who was dressed how. "One day, when you're older, you might wind up potty trained, and then your trips into mall bathrooms won't just be to be lifted onto the changing table. Maybe then you'll understand." My cheeks immediately took on color. I opened my mouth to say something, but Ellie touched her thumb to my lips. Thoughts swirled around inside my head. Then she stepped away and took me by the hand, pulling me out into the thoroughfare and toward Her Captivating Visage. I did my best not to waddle as I walked. "N-not fair..." I muttered under my breath, trying to regain composure. Every day, it felt like she was getting better and better at being in charge. It sure was intimidating. I pushed the door open with one hand while holding my girlfriend's hand firmly in the other. And thankfully, I saw exactly what I wanted to see. Or rather, who. "Eloise!" Caroline said nicknames were for children. If only she knew hah! "Caroline, can I use your bathroom please? You know how nasty the mall stuff is." This wasn't my first time doing this, but Caroline didn't work every day so it was always a gamble. She smirked at me and nodded her head, then nodded again at my hand. "One at a time though; Kylie's going to have to wait out here and keep me company. Remember to flush and spray!" Right. Like I'd never used a toilet before! I thanked her hastily, took the key she was offering, and hurried to the door at the back of the store adjacent to the changing rooms. "One day she's going to have to get used to bathrooms, you know?" Caroline mused to Kylie, looking her up and down. "Oh, I love your onesie." "I... what? Huh?" I blushed, looking at Caroline's smile and then down at my outfit. She couldn't tell, could she? Of course not! Ellie said no one would know! "Well, it's... not..." "Of course it is. I would know Val’s designs anywhere. And you look as cute as a button." Marnie got this onesie at a shop downtown, the one where Ellie and Prim had run into each other. I didn’t know who Val was, but it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Either way, the embarrassment was evident on my face. What else did Caroline know...? "W-well, I'm gonna look around... so..." I waved to Caroline and headed toward the back of the store. Honestly, this was the only place I bought underwear anymore; Ellie had to be right about something! I was picking out a pair of panties when my girlfriend found me. "Well, I'm not sure what's redder - your face, or those panties." I grinned and kissed her on the cheek. "Come on, let's get you checked out." "I think it's cheating that you use Caroline's bathroom," I said sourly. "If you won't use the girl's room, just wear diapers like the baby you are." But before she could retaliate - and I knew she would - I changed the subject. "Caroline recognized my onesie," I pouted. "You promised no one would know! I want to go home and change." "Well, it is a lingerie store. They sell more than just diaper covers and onesies, you ditzcake. It's a small world, what can I say? And with your cheekiness right now, teasing me? If you're getting changed, it'll be me changing you and there's a lot else I could put you in." "That's... you're..." She took the panties out of my hands and waved them in front of me. "And these are off limits." "I... wait!" She walked ahead of me to the front of the store and I hurried behind as quickly as I could without waddling. By the time I caught up to her, she was already at the register. I sulked. So not fair! Once we left Caroline’s shop, I dropped into a new line of questioning. "Why did you take me there if you knew she might recognize my clothes! Are you stupid or something?" We were walking together, past the food court, and I was clearly worked up. I didn't even want to wear this stupid outfit in the first place! I was the bossy one, not her! "To get back at you for teasing me about the bathroom issue." I stopped, because she'd stop anyway if I didn't, and I put my hand around behind her and gently pat her crinkling bottom, while I leaned in to whisper: "I can always check you right here, put my fingers in your legband, like Mommy does?" She was joking. Right? Of course she was! We were in the middle of the mall! But her words had their intended effect. I shut up. I blushed. I stopped complaining about Caroline. Damn... "W-well... we're running late. We should get to Marnie's..." "Who?" I blushed a shade deeper and puffed out my cheeks. "Sorry, what was that? Maybe if I told her that you were struggling to remember her name is Mommy, she'll make you the little sister. I'm obviously bigger than you anyways, crinklebell." Alright, enough teasing! I took her hand and started to walk again. Littlespace with Mommy was so different to Littlespace with Ellie. Actually, with Ellie, it was more like a Subspace. I caused trouble. I pushed her limits. Then she would snap back at me like a rubberband and I'd forget how to speak. It was electrifying. Ellie led me to the car and buckled me in the back seat. She had been doing stupid stuff like that to me all day! Ever since we woke up, she had been acting like a babysitter or something. And every time I tried to stop her, I'd get put in my place. "I can sit up front," I argued. "It's my car." "Oh, you can sit up front?" This time, I followed through - I put my hand up the leg of her shortalls and slipped two fingers into the legband of her diaper, which was kept pressed ever closer to her by her onesie - and shook my head. "Oh lover girl, you're soaked; girls your age need to stay in the back seat. Maybe I should try and find you a car seat, actually..." My fingers were still in her diaper. And I took the opportunity to kiss her right on the lips, and then I let her fall silent and closed the car door after stepping back. She was equal parts cute and hot and I didn't know where one started and the other ended. I was out of breath after only one kiss. My cheeks were glowing pink and my heart was racing. Her words, her fingers in my diaper, her mouth on mine. Then she got into the driver's seat and started the car. "N-not... fair..." I muttered under my breath. It sounded almost like a whimper. But she didn't bite. I sat quietly in back seat, letting time fix my embarrassment. My heart rate started to rest and I could breathe normally again. Then we passed by a billboard about a jewelry company and it reminded me... "Hey, um. Did Noland pick out a ring yet?" Last week, Jen proposed. I thought that was a little weird, but at the same time it made perfect sense. I wondered which one of us would propose, if we ever got that far: Ellie or me. Probably me. She was such a prissy girl. "Nuhuh, he's waffling over the visual differences between silver, white gold, and platinum. He literally spent three hours arguing about that in a jewelry store the other day; I'd rather be tied up in a wet diaper for a week than have to deal with that again, my goodness." I loved the guy, but he definitely needed some help letting go of things. "I dunno," I shrugged, sinking down in my seat. "I think it's sort of sweet. He wants to pick the best one for Jen." Jen, on the other hand, got Noland's ring at a flea market for eighty-five dollars. "He wants to figure out if he can pay silver prices and convince people that its platinum. And then he has this conspiracy theory that it's all silver, and always has been." I smiled at her thru the rear view mirror. "But honestly, I hope you put half as much into picking out my ring when we get married. You probably will, you're an over-thinker." I stuck out my tongue so she could see it. "Brat." "Yup." I had really grown to like that word. It felt special, like a code or something. I could act like a stubborn, arrogant, selfish princess, and she would write it off as a silly, childish game. They meant nothing at all to her, like all the things I hated about myself were nothing more than a cute word. I smiled and leaned forward, pulling my seatbelt taught, and put my arms around Ellie's shoulders. I kissed her once, on the side of the neck, and sat back in my seat. "Love you!" "I love you, too, Kylie." Easy words that flowed like water. I almost lost myself in the thought and just about missed my exit for Marnie's place. Gosh. Less daydreams, Ellie! ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Ninety-One I sat in the driver's seat of the car. I hadn't even turned the engine on. It was late at night and we still had a few hours' drive to get home. "That was... exhausting." "You know it..." I kicked my feet up inelegantly on the dashboard and reclined the passenger seat all the way back with a deep sigh. "Thanks for coming, Ky. Thank you for helping me. With that. And everything…" "Yeah. Well. That's what best friends do." I rubbed my eyes and turned on the car. We could have stayed the night at Ellie's parents' place, but we both wanted to get home. Honestly, I hated visiting Palm Hill on a good day and today was not exactly a good day. But it wasn't a bad day either. That was important. "I can't believe my mom is still doing her city election shit." "I can't believe my parents figured you were gay from the onset," I smirked a little at the thought and then addressed her concern. "Your mom is mostly harmless, because I don't think anyone's going to take her seriously…" "She's arrogant, incompetent, and unlikable. Last year she had like six votes in the entire city. That's less than one percent." I only knew that because my aunt told me. But who did my mom blame for her loss? Not herself. She was so good at burning bridges, she could easily win an election for city arsonist. That did really bring a spotlight to the topic we hadn't discussed beyond the most basic lengths, and I sat up and took her by the hand. "I'm sorry. I mean, I know I bitch about my parents a lot. I must come across so ungrateful because compared to your mom, I really lucked out." "No, uh..." I shrugged my shoulders and held Ellie's hand in mine. My other stayed firmly on the wheel of the car as we pulled onto the highway. "I think all parents are a little bad. I mean, they're people too. So I understand the complaining. My mom is just..." My voice trailed off. "Talk to me about it? I can drive if you want?" Maybe that was for the best anyway, and exits were plentiful in this part of the highway. "I don't know what to say," I shrugged. But I kept talking anyway. "She didn't care. She didn't try. She never apologized for anything. She didn't wake me up for school or make dinner when I got home. Did you know I would microwave mac and cheese when I was four years old? I couldn't read the box so I just followed along with the pictures. It always came out too watery." "I'm sorry that she put you through that. I'm sorry that she didn't trust you." "Yeah..." I felt tears in my eyes, thinking back. "After all that stuff happened, with Tessa's brother, she didn't believe me. But I believed her. She told me it was my fault, and I believed her. She told me I'd get arrested if I told anyone about it, and I believed her. Because that's what kids do. They believe their fucking parents." I took my hand back from Ellie and wiped my eyes. Fuck, I really didn't mean to start crying... I didn't know if Kylie had ever had the chance to talk about this stuff, and I didn't wanna make a wrong step and make things worse - so I just followed what felt right. "It's gotta be so so hard to believe in anything when you were hurt so badly the last time you did." "Listen, El. You don't owe anybody your love. Not your parents, not Noland or Marnie. Definitely not me. We have to earn it. We have to care about you and try for you and believe in you. Or we don't deserve it. Okay? Nobody gets you for free." She didn't say anything. I wiped fresh tears off my cheeks. "Got it?" After a few moments, I nodded my head, which seemed to satisfy her. But I wanted to give an answer that meant a little more than that. "You've earned it. You came to my coming out party with my parents. You've absolutely earned it." "Yeah well..." I forced a smile and wiped my eyes again. "I'm going to keep earning it. And if I ever stop, then... then you better shape up and kick my ass." "I can totally kick your ass. That's why I'm the one always pinning you down and all, you know that." I lied, casually. "Ha... we'll see when we get home. How's that?" I smiled and leaned over, stealing the quickest kiss I could without taking my eyes off the road. We still had a long drive ahead of us. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Definitely a possibility! But hopefully they grow out of that mindset sooner or later. Right?! XD Some things are easier to accept, I guess. It always is New chapter shortly. It's the last one in this arc. Then we move into the final part!

Chapter Ninety I tried to remember the thousand things I was trying to keep track off. How to sit down. How do sit at all. Knees together, ankles apart, that seemed to work for me. But all these notions were outdated patriarchal nonsense anyway, and I still wanted to adhere to them because that's the world we lived in. I looked up at my Mom, at my Dad, and then closed my eyes for a second to clear my head. "Alright. Mom. Dad," I looked at them each in turn. "It's taken me too long to realize, and longer to do anything about. But this is who I am now." "Well, we support you," Ellie's mom said immediately. Then her dad added: "And if you ever change your mind, that's okay." I squeezed Kylie's hand way too hard at that, because I fricking knew they'd say it! "This isn't ballet, Dad." I wasn't sure that Kylie knew about the ballet times. I'd have to ask her at a later occasion. "In retrospect I only even changed my mind then because I was jealous." It was weird what realizations a little reflection could lead to. Hindsight was a heck of a drug. "I don't think we understand, honey," Ellie's mom said softly, but the confusion was evident on her face. "We don't have to understand for you to do it," Ellie's dad reassured her. "You can do anything you'd like, no matter what we say." "I've never fit in anywhere, with anybody. I keep like... the smallest circle of friends, I never commit to anything, I never get involved." I wasn't looking up at either of them. "I used to think it was like... anxiety, or something. Or just that I wasn't that kind of person. And it took me a long time to realize that I was close; I was uncomfortable because whenever I pictured myself doing something, I'd see a me that's not me. That was never me. And now when I think about things, I see the me that is me. And she's a girl. And I'm a girl. That doesn't make any sense, I guess, but I don't know how else to put it." I also didn't know when I'd started crying. Ellie's parents clearly didn't know what to do about their daughter crying on the sofa. I put my hand in hers and squeezed it for reassurance, but I wasn't sure it was helping. "Well... we want you to be happy," Ellie's mom tried. "You can be whatever you want. Whoever you want. Change it whenever. You'll always be our son. Or... uh. Child." "Daughter," I said, a little sharply. I was trying to let Ellie handle this herself, but little things like that were chipping away at my patience. "We support you, no matter what choices you make," Ellie's dad tried. The same line. The same thing they always said. And Ellie was quiet, with tears on her cheeks. I finally bubbled over. "There's a difference between letting someone make their own choices and supporting them. Like, it's great that you let Ellie be whoever she wants to be. But support is about understanding. About taking it seriously, and standing up for it. It's an active thing, not a passive. Not a bare minimum. If you want to support her, you have to actually believe her." "We're just not sure what that all means, Kylie, we..." My mom looked concerned, and my dad did what he always did and tried to control the situation. "What your Mom means is that we don't know what our role to play in this is. It seems like a very personal thing, and—" "It's the backbone of everything, Dad." I didn't let him finish. "I want you to look at me and think 'that's my daughter, isn't she beautiful?' and for there to be nothing else. I want you to call me Ellie, I want you to... to..." I was waving my hands as I spoke, trying to get to the world at the tip of my tongue, "to see something pretty, and be like 'Ellie would love that,' the way you used to when it was boy stuff when I was a kid." And that was the crux of it, wasn't it? "I want you to think of me as your daughter, as a girl... that's it." "Well that's not really..." Ellie's dad trailed off, but finished his own thought. "I mean, we can't really change what we think." "But we can try," Ellie's mom stepped in, looking up at her husband with a strictness that you could only notice if you were paying attention. "We want you to be happy, no matter what. If that means working a little harder, then... we'll work a little harder." I didn't often see my Mom stepping in like that, setting down the rules. It actually surprised me, and when I looked up at her she met me with a warm smile. Then she asked me a simple question. "What should we call you? What's your name; you said you changed it?" I managed a half smile and shook my head. "Not legally yet, but I'm gonna. I think I settled on Eloise, cause it's close to Eliot? Both can be Ellie, you know? And I was thinking Amabel for my middle name." Both my parents looked up at that and I rolled my eyes. "Don't look at me that way!" "Amabel, like your Camp Counsellor?" "The one you had a crush on all year and then came home from camp crying when she wasn't there the next year?" Ugh! "ANYWAY. If we could focus..." Wait, WHAT?! I was definitely bringing that up on the car ride home! "Girl name, girl pronouns..." "She/her," I corrected them. But they probably wouldn't understand that 'she/her' being 'girl pronouns' was invalidating. Win some, lose some. "And you should use those with past-tense stuff too, like when you're telling a story. A lot of people don't know that." "So we are supposed to just... replace all our memories of Eliot?" Ellie's dad seemed almost offended by the idea. "I think what your father means," Ellie's mom stepped in, "is that there's no reason to be ashamed of who you were. If you're a girl now, that's great. But running from your past can't be healthy." I didn't know if I had a good argument for that, but it made me feel tight in the chest so I figured that meant trying at least. "The memories are the same, but I just want you to think of me like I'm a girl. I've always been a girl, it just took me this long to realize and come to terms with it. Like... like imagine I was born a girl, but I was like... super DUPER tomboy for whatever reason, and so when I was growing up, you thought of me one way. But like, that doesn't make me less of a girl, right?" My tummy ached. "It's not a matter of who I was, because I was always a girl. It's a matter of happy and unhappy, honest and dishonest, comfortable and uncomfortable." "Okay..." Ellie's mom wasn't getting it, but Ellie's dad seemed to understand. He explained to his wife. "Remember your car last month? You thought the brake pads needed changing? But we changed them and the problem didn't go away." "The brake line was leaking," she remembered. "It was always the brake line, even though we thought it wasn't. Eliot, or, uh. Eloise is saying even though we don't remember it that way, he was always a girl. And we should think of him that way." "Her," I interrupted. "Her. Right." "I just don't see how we could make this mistake..." Ellie's mom sighed, sinking into the sofa. "I feel like a bad mom." Oh boy. "You're not a bad mom; you literally let me do everything I wanted to do. Including ballet! I just couldn't fit myself into anything because nothing felt like it fit me. It's only now that I realize I was trying to fit these things on an image of myself that wasn't me. Like... like if I said, "hey, Mom, I wanna wear what the girls wear at ballet," you'd have been like "sure sweetie!" and that would be that." I mean, she'd say 'and when you change your mind...' but it didn't seem pertinent to add that part in right now. "I just mean, the past happened. It came and went, and we can't change that. I can't get those years back. We can't do things differently from then. But we can change now. That's why I'm doing this. Because today's going to be yesterday before I know it, and when that happens I can't change it anymore." "Boldly put," Ellie's father said with a smile. He almost seemed proud. "Just remember, if you decide this isn't what you want—" "Mr. Ranze," I stopped him before he got back into that loop. "Part of supporting someone is believing that they will succeed at what they're doing. Even if it's scary." "We just want him to know—" "Her," I interrupted Mrs. Ranze. "—her to know that she can change her mind, that we won't be upset with her for it." A part of me started to wonder what Mr. and Mrs. Ranze's childhoods were like. Maybe they heard ‘nobody likes a quitter’ one too many times. "Mom, you know when we used to go on road trips? Every year? What if the whole way along the trip I said 'if you wanna turn around, that's fine. If you wanna go somewhere else, that's fine', like, the whole way there?" "Well, sweetheart, that's different. We made plans all year, and..." I looked at her expectantly, rubbing tears from my eye with the back of one hand while I smiled a little goofily. "Uh huh, you made plans all year? Almost like you were certain about it, right? Well, let me have my road trip." The both of them looked at Ellie, then at each other. "We're sorry, son," Ellie's dad said. "Daughter," Ellie's mom corrected him. "Right. We're sorry. We never meant to give you reason to hesitate." "If you say you're a girl, then you're a girl." I squeezed Ellie's hand in mine and smiled at her. Things were going a lot better than expected! Maybe we had nothing to worry about. "So," Mr. Ranze began uncomfortably. "Does this mean you like boys?" Spoke too soon. I actually started laughing and shook my head with a big smile spread across my face. "Gosh no. You know, a lot of boys really liked me before, but no, I'm queer as queer can be." I paused. "Which means as a girl, I love girls. Actually. I'm dating Kylie, so. Surprise." "Okay..." Mr. Ranze was doing the math in his head, but Mrs. Ranze got to an answer first. The wrong answer, but an answer nonetheless. "So are you becoming a boy, then?" she asked. If I said yes, Ellie would kill me. But it was so tempting! Nah, maybe it was better not to fuck up her coming out thing. "No, Mrs. Ranze. I'm gay." "That makes sense." Both Ellie's parents nodded at each other and I puffed out my cheeks. "Hey!" "Well, you just, you always were a bit of a tomboy, so we figured something was up there." Mom nodded very confidently. "Oh, so you notice when Kylie is acting different?" I stuck out my tongue and rolled my eyes. "Kylie is staying Kylie. I'm Eloise now. Is that okay?" "Of course, hun," Ellie's mom said. "We'll always stand by you, and we'll try to support you a little better too." "That's right." Ellie's dad stood up and walked over to his daughter, hugging her tight to his chest. I kept pouting. I didn't look that gay, did I? "I'm going to make dinner," Mrs. Ranze said, getting to her feet. "Eloise, would you like to help me in the kitchen? A good wife needs to know how to cook." Well. A bit heteronormative there, but hey. She's got the spirit. And I was never very good at cooking to begin with. What the heck. "I'd love to." ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-Nine "Eliot!" There was my father’s voice, always just a little bit too loud - like he thought he was on television all the time. He came into the room, tall and lanky as he was, with a vape in the palm of his hand, and took a deep inhale from that as he looked me up and down, before breathing out. "Well don't you look handsome today, is this what the young men are wearing nowadays? My how fashion changes, doesn't it? Who'd have known that French Dandies would make a comeback, right darling?" He looked at my mother, and I looked at neither of them. Oh my god. "And Kylie Maison, as I live and breathe. It's wonderful to see you again." He gave Ellie a hug, then me. Granted, Ellie's dad was a very... sociable guy. "You too, Mr. Ranze." "I heard about your mom's campaign," he said, raising an eyebrow. "City Clerk of Palm Hill. That's a big position." Oh, how I wished I could forget. She had been trying to get into 'local government' for the better part of my lifetime, because 'the people want real working women in office'. "Don't vote for her," I said sharply. "She still licks the sticky-side of stamps." "We had no intention of doing so," he laughed. The only people that hated my mom more than me were Ellie's parents. Who could blame them - she pawned me off on them whenever she could. Most of the time, she didn't even ask. I cleared my throat. Because all this whole dog and pony show was getting under my skin, and I hated when my parents got this way. All "ohoho!" and covering their mouths when they laughed, and blah blah blah. "I'm a girl." Blissful silence. Tick. Tock. Tick. "Oh, honey, boys can wear anythi-" I put my hand up, painted nails and all, and cut my Mom off right in the middle of that. "I know they can. I did. For a long time. But I'm a girl now." "Well, you can have just about any hobby you want, you know we'll support you, son." My dad smiled, warmly. God. Fucking. Ugh! "It's not a hobby. It's not a phase. It's not an after school club, or a fandom, or a fashion, or a passing fad. It's me. It's who I am." "Eliot..." My Mom began, and I actually elevated my voice at that. "Eloise! Please. My name is Eloise. Ellie. Ellie is fine. Please just. Don't try and treat me like I'm a problem that needs solving, or a landmine that needs tiptoeing around, or an issue to be waited out." ...welp. That was one way to do things. But could I really blame her? They were acting like everything was normal. It definitely wasn't normal. "Well, El-" Mrs. Ranze paused and looked at her husband. Both seemed unsure of what to say. Maybe they didn't want to say the wrong thing. Maybe they hadn't heard Ellie yell since she was in grade school. I decided to step in. "Listen, Mr. and Mrs. Ranze. Ellie has been thinking about this for a long time. We've talked about it. This is more than something she wants to do. It's who she is. It's what makes her happy. So... let her explain, okay?" "Oh, of course..." Ellie's mom looked at Kylie and half-smiled, then took her husband's hand. "Let's go sit in the living room, okay? We'll figure all this out." The two of them led the way and I put my arm around Ellie's shoulder. "Holdin' up okay, princess?" "They're just so fake. Like plastic flowers; this all looks so pretty, but it's just fake. It's manufactured. So when something real happens, they don't know how to handle it." I kept my voice down for that though, and took in the scene before us. My Mom and Dad, on one sofa. The coffee table, laden with magazines they had never opened only to be thrown away at the end of each month for nothing but the vanity of appearances. And the opposite sofa, waiting for the two of us to sit down. I wasn't sure I could do this... "Hey, listen... people put on appearances all the time; that doesn't mean they aren't feeling things. Just like you pretending to be a boy. So let's just go in there, be honest, and... and work through it." "And if we don't?" "If we don't, we can both hate our parents together. Sound good?" I faked a smile. "Alright. Okay. Alright. You... okay." I walked across the space into the living room, I sat down on the sofa across from my parents, and Kylie sat next to me. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Thanks for all the comments and likes, friends! I know I don't reply very much, but I read all the comments and they make me smile. Almost done with this story!! I'm gonna be so sad to see it end. Of course, as always, check us out on Patreon if you want to support us. PDF/ePub copies of Butterflies (complete) and 50 other stories are on there for just $5.

Chapter Eighty-Eight "I can't believe I'm wearing this..." And in Palm Hill, no less. If I accidentally ran into my mom, I would probably have a panic attack. Thankfully, the plan didn't involve seeing her. My car. Ellie's parents' house. My car. Back home. I had gassed up and everything before we left, just so I could avoid getting out of the car. "You don't like it?" "No," I said flatly, pushing down the hem of the dress. "Unfortunately, I don't hate it either." Truth be told, Ellie picked out a cute dress. It wasn't infantile. It wasn't slutty. It looked like something a 60s housewife might wear on TV, with a bit of a modern twist. It looked ordinary, like a nice sundress. It looked unassuming. Funnily enough, that was exactly what I wanted. "Well, I can definitely accept 'don't hate it' as a win, I think." In Kylie terms, it was practically a glowing endorsement! But when it came to clothes, I knew my stuff. And this was all a welcome distraction from the fact I was wearing a dress on the way to my parent’s house. "You're going to be fine," I said, somewhere between encouraging and uncertain. I'd be better at the whole 'support' thing if I wasn't so wound up by what I was wearing. "I'm surprised you dressed like that." Not that there was anything wrong with it. It was just that most of the stories online about 'coming out to your parents' had people dressed as their assigned-at-birth gender. Maybe to diminish the shock value? At this rate, Ellie wouldn't get a word out before they figured it out themselves. Or maybe that was her plan. "You know how my parents are." And that was to say: supportive, open-minded, generous, kind, doting, hospitable ...and completely dismissive of the idea that their child could ever commit to anything. Oh, you're going to college? That's nice dear, we'll keep your bed here made up for when you come back. Oh, you wanna take up sculpting? No problem sweetheart, don't worry about quitting, it's not for everybody. In their desire to never make me feel bad about failing, they made me feel like it was the only option. Killing me with love. Ellie's parents were great. Rather, they were great for me: the friend of their child. I spent more nights at Ellie's place in high school than I did at home. They trusted us. Honestly, they were pretty cool. But as far as parents went, they often came up short. One time, in tenth grade, Ellie won a poetry contest. She was supposed to write a new poem for a district contest or something. But when she told her parents, it was all about 'don't get your hopes up' and 'there are a lot of kids in district' and 'remember that B you got in English last year?'. They just didn't seem to believe in her. Incidentally, Ellie never wrote that poem. I pulled off the freeway toward Palm Hill and sunk lower in my seat. Today was going to suck, no matter what we did. It was better to get it over with. "Do you think I should lead with the fact that we're dating? Maybe that'll distract them from the fact that I'm a girl now?" I mean, it was hard to ignore the latter, I guess - I'd put no shortage of effort into how I looked and I felt like I was interviewing for a prestigious job at a country club more than going to see my parents. "Uh, well. Let's save that as a smoke bomb, if we need it." Ellie's parents liked me; at least we had that going for us. We could use that tidbit to our advantage if things got weird. I pulled up in front of Ellie's parents' house; a two-story colonial in suburban paradise. You know, the kind with mostly white families and tons of heteronormativity. Ellie had more money than me growing up. "Alrighty." Phew. You got this, Ellie. You're not afraid of going out in public, you're not afraid of wetting yourself, you're not afraid of your girlfriend getting you off in a diaper. You're not afraid of your parents. I took one last deep breath, and got out of the passenger seat of the car, smoothing down the front of my dress and leaning over to check my hair in the side mirror. In the decade since I had met Ellie's parents, they had never seen me in a dress before. Actually, I would bet they had seen Ellie in a dress more than me! I didn't want them to change their opinions of me, just because I was gay, dating their daughter, and wearing a dress... but, well. What could I do about it? I took Ellie's hand in mine and led her up to the front door. I rang the bell, even though I was on the wrong side for it. And we waited. It must have been the longest ten seconds of our lives. "Oh, Kylie!" The woman in the doorframe was short, a lot like her daughter. Fatter around the hips, fluffy blonde hair, and an ample chest. I wondered if that would bode well for Ellie. But then she took a look at Ellie and... well, you could see it on her face. Confusion, because she straight up didn't recognize her own kid. And then, when she did, she didn't know what to say. Correction, that was the longest ten seconds of our lives. "Eliot, sweetie!" She stepped out and gave us each a hug, then moved out of the doorway. "Come in, come in. Are you thirsty? I have some lemonade and juice boxes. I know you kids love those Capri Suns." "Uh. Yes please." The last time I had a Capri Sun was at Marnie's place, when I was diapered and coloring. I could use an anti-anxiety drink. How long was the appropriate time to wait when trying to correct your parents on your name? The name they gave you? The name they probably agonized over picking out? This time, I'd give her a pass. One step at a time, Ellie, you got this baby girl. "Um, yeah, that would be nice, Mom." Wow, calling her Mom felt a bit weird. Was it my voice? Or was it my associations of that word to Marnie? Jeez, things had gotten complicated. Furthermore, she looked at me a little sideways too, because obviously I sounded different. She knew, right? She knew I was a girl? But she was likely waiting for me to be the one to tell her. So she could tell me 'oh that's wonderful, do you want us to hold onto your boy clothes? you know, just in case' I puffed out my cheeks and followed my mom and my girlfriend into the kitchen. "Where's Dad?" I asked, looking over my shoulder as we walked thru the archway, and my mom answered without looking over hers back at me. "Oh, he's probably pottering around in his den, you know how men his age can be." His den. The basement. My father, who designed bridges, spent a lot of his down time working on plastic models. Like, planes and tanks and stuff. He said it helped to inspire him. In retrospect, I had no room to judge. Ellie and I followed her mom into the kitchen and sat down at the counter. She had stools set up so it was easy to take a seat, and I'd done it a thousand times before. She put two juice boxes down in front of us and smiled a forced smile. It was easy to tell those kinds of things with someone you had known for ten years. "Gosh, Kylie aren't you just the prettiest. I've never seen you in a dress, I don't think. It suits you." "Thank you." It didn't suit me. Luckily, the conversation drifted to Ellie. "So are you trying out a new style, Eliot? It looks nice. You know, Margo across the street? Her son is better at makeup than I am these days." Wow, that was one way to look at it. I struggled a little bit figuring out how to elegantly get up onto the stool - despite the fact that Kylie decried dresses, she seemed to have no problem with it. I wound up standing. "Well, Mom, that's a bit of why I'm here. I wanted to talk to you and Dad, about some uh... changes? I guess." "Oh well, a change is as good as a holiday, sweetheart. Nothing like a little change to remind you how good you have it." Well, that one was a stretch. I tilted my head to the side and smiled at Ellie, and widened my eyes. She rolled hers back at me. "Let me go get your father. You two get comfortable." Ellie's mom walked out of the room and I let out a long, heavy sigh. "WOW! Can you imagine anything more awkward?" "It's only going to get worse. They'll talk about how fashion changes, and how it's so wonderful that I'm a boy because it means I can go through phases like this and nobody will question it, and blah blah blah. They mean well, I just..." Deep. Sigh. "You just be you." I took her hand in mine and kissed the back of it. "Do you want to guess how that conversation is going downstairs?" I put on my best Ellie's Mom voice, which was basically my voice but a little higher pitched and sounded nothing like her. "Oh dear, our child is dressed in all manner of feminine clothes, with makeup and such. Don't be rude now, when you see her." Though Mrs. Ranze would likely use the wrong pronouns. "Oh absolutely, but that'll only be 10% of the conversation - the other 90% will be how happy she is to see that you're wearing a dress, and how she's glad your Tomboy Phase is over and done with." Truthfully, my parents both adored Kylie, so it was nice - if a bit selfish of me - to let her take a bit of the attention. I could hear footsteps up the stairs, two sets, and I took a looooong deep breath. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-Seven "Mm... the movie was good.." I mumbled as soon as the bedroom door closed, then cuddled into Kylie without opening my eyes. My diaper was wet. That was fine. Kylie was soft and comforting. "You fell asleep," I giggled. I was still somewhere in Littlespace; it was hard not to be in a wet diaper! But with my girlfriend this close to me, this cute... "You comfy?" "Berry comfy. You're comfy. I didn't fall sleep, sleep is for babies, I watched the whooole movie..." I yawned and rubbed one of my still-closed eyes. "Uh huh. You weren't snoring or anything." I said it with a hint of sarcasm, but she actually didn't snore. At least, not in my experiences. I reached around her and played softly with the ends of her short hair. Mommy didn't take her makeup off, and I could still see the sparkles on her cheeks from the dim nightlight. "You're so wonderful, you really truly are." I'd finally gotten my eyes to open, and when I did, the first thing I saw was her smile. This was like a dream. "Don't be sappy. You're supposed to be a baby." And when she was sappy, I got defensive. And when I got defensive, I grew up a little. Though Littlespace was never far away, dressed like this. I rubbed my thumb on her cheek like Mommy did sometimes. She was so cute. "Goo goo~" I put my thumb in my mouth and sucked it. Not for me, really, but for her. I knew she'd find it endearing, and I wanted to keep her anchored in Littleness. "Oh, now that's cute. Maybe if you couldn't use big girl words you wouldn't be so sassy." Despite her best attempts, her joke had the opposite effect. I took her thumb from her mouth and kissed her once on the lips. Just once. But wow, that made my head swirl... Kylie looked a little bit dazed from the kiss, and her eyes glistened like puddles under the stars, so it easy easy to duck and weave in closer to steal another kiss from her. A second kiss led to a third. A third kiss led to a fourth. Five. Six. Seven. I lost count. My fingers trailed down her sleeve, to her chest, and then to her hip. She crinkled and it brought a smile to my lips. Why was she so cute like this? "I'm dry." I asserted, when her fingers touched my diaper. I tried to distract from the obviousness of the bluff with another kiss. "...seriously?" We had been here for the better part of the day and I certainly wasn't dry! Maybe I just had an easier time using my diapers; I'd been in this a lot longer than she had. But wow, if that didn't make me a little self-conscious. "Well... yeah. Of course..." "I'm lying," I whispered and laughed. "Girls my age can't be trusted out of diapers, sis..." I nodded and stuck my tongue out at her. A blush filled my cheeks. Ugh, she could be so annoying. I shoved her with both my hands and she almost fell off the bed. "Maybe you need rails, since you're such a baby. Or maybe a crib." Why was I teasing her? A moment ago we were kissing! This stuff wasn't supposed to be sexy. Then why did I feel like this? "Anyway..." "We should ask Mommy to get a crib; that would be so cute. We could be snuggled down in our crib together, surrounded with stuffed animals. I'd like that a lot a lot." I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance. A crib, seriously? "I'm not a baby, El. I'm four, remember?" "I need a crib, and you need to be a responsible big sister and sleep with me so I get the required amount of kisses every night. Besides, whatever you do, I do! So whatever I do, you do, mhm." "That makes absolutely no sense at all..." I blushed a little, squeezing the seat of her diaper. Oh yeah, she wasn't dry! What a liar. "Anyway, if I'm the big sister that means I get to tell you what to do." "Uh huh, that's true. Are you gonna tell me to kiss you? Because I was gonna do that anyway." I leaned in to follow through on that promise. "Nope!" I put my finger to her lips and smirked. "Now you're grounded from kisses until you say you're a little baby diaper girl who can't stay dry." I watched her face twist in embarrassment and I felt a pang of excitement in my chest. Gosh, I was enjoying this... I huffed quietly and let my cheeks fill up with air, but I really wanted a kiss! I could have them as much as I wanted and as many as I wanted, but I still wanted this one. "Imalittlebabydiapergirlwhocantstaydryyy..." I mumbled quietly and quickly. I leaned in and pushed my lips to hers, a bit more passionately than before. I wasn't sure why, but there was something in her words... something in the blush on her cheeks... something I loved to see. I wasn't feeling very Little all of a sudden. "I did good?" I grinned, and pressed in to continue that kiss. Soft, sweet, lovely kisses. Only her hand was on the seat of my diaper again, which was unusual for Marnie’s house. I rolled over on top of her and held her wrists down on the bed, kissing away from her mouth and toward her neck. My thigh slid between her legs and pushed against the soggy diaper. Okay! So this was definitely not Innocent Little Girl time anymore, got it! I'd read some stuff online in the past few days: I'd gotten some tips, some thoughts, some ideas. She held my wrists down, and I gasped, and squealed softly, pulling gently at her grip to give her a sense of power and control, but never firm enough to pull away from her. And I twisted my body as she kissed me, and then very genuinely as her thigh pressed the wet, warm, padding against me. I arched my back and bit my lip hard. Oh gosh. My kisses trailed down her neck to her collarbone, then stopped. Onesie. The onesie was super in the way. I pouted a bit and wondered if I could tear through it with my teeth. Probably not. And Marnie would get upset. Oh fuck, Marnie. I paused and looked around the room. At my girlfriend beneath me, wearing a diaper. A wet diaper, at that. And I was making her say embarrassing things? Why? Because I liked it? I suddenly didn't feel so well. I'd never come out of Littlespace like that before... "S-sorry... I'm... uh... I don't..." "You did great, you're doing great." I wasn't speaking Little anymore; I went right into being myself. I sat up and put one of my hands on her cheek so she'd look me in the eyes. "You're not in any trouble. We’re both really enjoying this." I shook my head. I shouldn't be enjoying this. Diapers, sure. Maybe people were into that. I was probably into that. And onesies, I guess they were cute. And she looked so fucking adorable. But the rest of it? Making her say she was a little diaper girl? "I... I gotta go find Marnie..." But as I got off Ellie's lap, she grabbed me by the wrist. "Hey. I am your little baby diaper girl who can't stay dry. And it turned me on a lot that you made me say that. Sit back down with me, don't go running off. You have a beautiful girl in your bed." I pulled my arm hard, snapping my wrist out of her grip. It hurt a little but I wasn't thinking clearly. I was somewhere in the rise of a panic attack and I didn't know what to do. But her words caused me to linger. "That's... that's not okay, Ellie. I don't want some little kid in bed with me. It shouldn't turn me on when you say you're a baby, but it does! Fuck!" "Is this why we aren't doing kissy things?" I stared daggers at her and crossed my arms. That was as good an answer as any: of course this was the reason. "I'm not a kid, Kylie, and neither are you. We're adults. We can play pretend, we can lose ourselves in Littlespace, and that's so fricking cool, okay? But we are still responsible for our own actions. We still make our own choices - that choice is just to surrender control and stress for a while to someone amazing like Marnie who fits that role perfectly. But at the end of the day, we still have safe words, we can still get up and leave, right?" I wasn't sure my words were making a lot of sense. Or maybe I was rambling. Babbling. Try to be more succinct, Ellie! "We're adults. If we can wear diapers and pretend to be kids to surrender control, we can also wear diapers and be adults to surrender control. Submission is sexy. Embarrassment is sexy." "Right, but..." But she made a good point. No matter what, I had a safe word. Marnie made all my decisions when I was here, down to how long I sat in a wet diaper. But I could walk out. Nothing stopped me. Maybe that was the difference... "Why this? Why is this sexy? We aren't kids... I don't even really want to be a kid. I hated being a kid..." I just liked this particular flavor of it. And I liked a girlfriend I could tease, who would blush at my words. I liked when she would call me a brat. It didn't make any sense... "Why is it sexy when my girlfriend pins my hands to the bed above my head and grinds her knee into my padding while making me say embarrassing things? Really?" I smiled at her. "It's not about being a kid." I took a moment, then exhaled, sitting back down on the edge of the bed. Maybe she was right... "Do you think guys that call a girl 'kitten' want to be lewd with a cat?" "No, but that's just a name." "What about pet-players who walk people around on leashes?" "Well..." "Or people who turn people into tables. They don't find tables sexy." "...wait, people turn people into tables?" Okay, that one was new. "If you put a collar on me, do you see me as a dog, or do you see me as this cute little piece of tush that wears something to represent that you own me?" That was an argument I'd read online, too! "Context is everything, Kylie. Everything. You can cuddle with me on the floor and watch a movie while we're in diapers. And you can make me wet myself in public with a diaper on under my adult clothes, just to humiliate me quietly. And I can call you my Bratty Little Girlfriend when you're being fussy." "I just..." I exhaled. My anxiety was dipping, but exhaustion was filling its place. "I just don't want you to think you're a kid to me. You aren't. You're really not..." "I know I'm not, and I never for a second thought you thought that I was. I mean, you basically rubbed me through my diaper for hours the other night, remember? Being a kid was the furthest thing in my head when I thought about how you saw me, I promise!" I nodded. I just couldn't get the feeling out of my heart, or the thought out of my brain. It was stuck there, like super glue, to the wall of my soul. Maybe there was more to this than I thought. "You know that boy I dated? When I was like, eleven? I don't want to be him... I don't want to make you do all these things, just because you want to make me happy. I want you to be able to say no, and I feel like I'm trying to take that away from you..." How was domination supposed to work? How could I take her power, but leave just that one piece: the power to say no. "Oh. My gosh. That makes so much sense." I think I finally understood where her hang up was coming from, and I put my arms around her tightly as I stood up and held her in a cuddle. "I'm doing this because I want it. Not out of any other reason. I want it. I want you. I want you to push me. I want you to do things that are sexy to you, that make me blush. And all we need to do to make all this work... is have a safeword. Right?" So. Stinking. Obviously. A safe word? Like what I had with Marnie? Now that I thought about it, Ellie and I never made one. I bit my lip tentatively; that could work... "And you'll use it if you're ever uncomfortable? Do you promise?" "I pinky swear. We'll make it Cheeseburger, okay? Because I can promise you that is the one thing I can't imagine ever thinking about voluntarily!" Kylie knew how disdainful I was over the idea of burgers as a whole! "That will make me hungry," I pouted. "Good, then we can stop having sex and get food." "Food is the only thing better than sex," I mused. "Maybe we can skip the safe word and just get McDonald’s whenever we're turned on?" She would hate that! "Hey, I said I want you to embarrass me, not torture me. McDonald’s should be against the Geneva Convention." I stuck my tongue out in disgust and screwed up my nose. "Their English muffins are good," I laughed a little. A safe word. Was that really all I needed? How could I be so stupid sometimes? "Let's lay down, okay?" I sounded as exhausted as I felt. "I'm wet and cranky and I would just like to cuddle until morning." "No more ban on kissy stuffs?" I pouted and she rolled her eyes, and that was good enough for me to lay down with her and cuddle. I put my head on her chest - on her puffy bra - and closed my eyes. She played with my hair, but not like Marnie. She just kept her hand near the tips and would sometimes twirl them around her fingers. That was twice in one day that Ellie had stopped me from having a full on panic attack. Obviously, when picking my first girlfriend, I made the right choice. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-Six By the time she'd finished with building the new set, our ankles were entwined on the floor, like she'd just failed at a game of Twister, only I felt like a winner and not a failure. We were making pretty voices for each of two lego people, deciding who would fly the plane and who would take the boat, and if the floor on the living room was an ocean or lava and if it even mattered. Maybe it was a lava boat? Maybe it was a space place? Maybe we could join them together and both our little people could be happy. Somewhere along the way, I wet my diaper. It was nice not to think about it. Mommy gave us sippy cups with dinner, but bottles with the movie. She split Ellie and I up, one on each side of her, and I constantly fished around for my sister's fingers. But halfway into the movie - with the bottle gone - I was sitting on the floor in my soggy diaper and leaning in close. I never could stay on the couch during a movie, not in Littlespace. I made my way to the floor as the princess climbed down the tower, but as I went to shift I found Marnie slipping her fingers into the leg band of my onesie and diaper. I blushed and lost my balance, sliding down to the floor with a wet squish. My cheeks were as red as could be. I glanced sideways at Ellie, then back at the screen. It was hard to keep my attention when a movie was on. Littlespace made me focus ten times better, like a microscope. Ellie was off the edge of the lens. But when she touched my hand, I took it without thinking. Automatic. Soon enough, I shuffled down far enough that I could lay my head in her lap. I was the baby sister in her princess story, after all; it was nice to feel so close in such a way so intrinsically innocent and pure. I didn't even think about the fact that my diaper was wet. It was inconsequential. The movie was on! So I rested my head between Mommy's thighs and she played gently with my hair. Ellie kept her head on my thighs, and by the end of the movie, she was as quiet as a mouse. I blinked down at her, then tilted my head up to look at Mommy. "Think she fell asleep." "That does happen a lot with babies her age, you know. That's a big ask for such a little girl to make it through a whole movie. Do you wanna watch another, pumpkin?" Marnie smiled. "Um... nuh uh, I think I'm sleepy too." I looked down at the girl on my thighs and tried to wiggle out from under her. Mommy passed me a pillow and I managed to replace my legs with it. Then I crawled up on the couch and put my head in Mommy's lap. My eyes felt heavy. "Love you." "I love you, too, sweetheart." One girl asleep on the floor, one girl asleep in her lap. Marnie couldn't imagine feeling more lucky. I fell asleep. I didn't mean to; I just wanted a cuddle! But it was the middle of the night when I woke up again. I felt a pressure under my arms as I was lifted onto Mommy's hip and carried through the hall. She set me down on the bed in my room and put Ellie the elephant into my arms. Then she turned to get Ellie, but I managed to find my voice just before she walked out the door. "Mommy...?" "Hm?" Her voice was tired. She must have been asleep on the couch for a while. "You don't feel, um... less important, right? 'Cuz I spent all my time with Ellie tonight?" Well, most of it anyway. "Oh sweetie." Marnie stopped in her tracks and came back to sit down on the edge of the bed, because this was an important topic to cover. "Not one little bit. I get unbound joy from having you as my little girl, and that joy isn't diluted by having Ellie here. It's magnified." "You're sure...?" Even when Mommy separated us, we found a way to get together. We held hands all the time. Even now, Ellie would sleep with me and Mommy would sleep alone. I felt... guilty. "Smylie, I haven't been so sure about much else in my life, Mommy promises. Seeing you two playing, getting to be a part of that innocent joy you get to share? It's heartwarming, it's inspiring, it fills Mommy with energy. And..." She leaned in close with a wicked smile. "It means I save a little bit of energy for... midnight tickles!" Tickling was awful! Absolutely awful! But... well, sometimes Mommy could make it kind of cute. As long as she stopped after a few seconds! After I started laughing, she kissed me on the forehead and brushed her hand against my cheek. "Don't worry, okay?" I nodded. "Okay." "I'm gonna get your sister. Will you get the blankets pulled back and fluff the pillows for me? My Little Mommy's Girl?" Marnie knew, if nothing else, how to engage. "Uh huh." The tickles woke me up a little bit, so I sat up and went to folding back the blankets. Ellie wasn't as heavy a sleeper as me, but maybe if the bed was ready she wouldn't wake up. Marnie lifted Ellie up in her arms, set her down against her chest and supported her bottom with her hand. In one smooth motion, the girl barely stirred at all, and Marnie's strength made it trivial to carry her into the bedroom. I helped Mommy pull the blankets over my little sister. Then she kissed her on the forehead and walked over to do the same to me. When she turned off the lights, the glow in the dark stars came out to greet us. "Goodnight Mommy," I smiled, sinking into the sheets. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-Five Sometimes dating your best friend was pretty great. Like, when we got in the car and put on songs from a musical we both liked. It didn't have to be about kissing or hand holding or flirting or whatever. We could just be ourselves. By the time I pulled into Marnie's driveway, I was feeling a lot better. "Did Marnie say what time she's working tomorrow? Are we going to stay the night?" I had on a pair of strappy sandals that had a little wedge heel to them, and walking meant concentrating on each step. But my calves looked great! "I didn't ask, but I imagine we are staying the night." That was the trend, after all. I let myself in with a key on my key ring and kicked off my shoes. "Moooommmyyy, we're home!" I called through the house. Only afterward did I have the presence of mind to worry if she had someone else here. Luckily, she never had anyone here. "Oh my gosh you're so stinking cute," I grinned at her as she announced her presence. Marnie's voice called out from the bedroom. "I'm in here you two, come on in." Marnie had several packs of diapers on the bed, and was unpacking them into her shelves in the right side of the closet. "More butterflies?" I asked, leafing through the packages on the bed. Even the sight of diapers was starting to make me warm and fuzzy. Gosh, associations were such a weird thing. Ellie trailed into the room behind me. "I got a really good deal on a half case, and I got some of the unicorns as well because I know you like the thickness." Plus they reviewed well for messing, and Marnie and Kylie had recently crossed that threshold. "How're Mommy's Little Girls?" I waved shyly and sat down on the chair at the vanity, because there was still a sense of disparity between me and Kylie when it came to Marnie, so I always felt a little bit background to their banter. "We're okay. Uh. I think we could both use a Little Girl Day, so this worked out. Ellie is telling her parents about the whole 'girl thing' in two days." And I would have to wear a dress. Not to diminish her circumstances at all, but I was pretty sure we were on equal footing. "Oh, is that so?" Marnie lit up, and I nodded my head in response. "Uhhuh. But if they disown me, at least I've got a pretty good surrogate Mommy in you, right?" Wow, I wasn't sure I had ever seen Marnie blush before. Ellie's words really brightened her up, like a 100 watt bulb. I sat on the edge of the bed. "Can we build Legos?" I asked. "Or do we have plans?" "No plans tonight. I'll dress you both and get started on dinner while you play, and if you get bored of playing we can figure out something new to do." Marnie had a scene in her head of giving the two of them a bath together, but given the difficulties that Kylie was having with intimacy presently, she decided to save it for a later date. Mommy finished putting away the diapers, leaving two of the unicorn ones on the bedside. Ellie and I waited for her prompt, then laid down together on my bed. Our bed? I didn't know if this was Ellie's room too; Marnie only had one spare room. When Mommy unbuttoned Ellie's jeans, I took her hand. No matter what she was a girl to me, but out of courtesy I didn't look. I didn't know what was more surreal: the fact I was dating Kylie, the fact I was a girl, or the fact that I was laying on a bed getting put into a diaper. "Now I’m going to be giving both of you a stuffer. It's going to give some extra bulk, because neither of you are getting wet diaper changes until the morning." Marnie chose her wording innocuously, sending a message to Kylie that was something only she'd pick up. I looked up at Mommy and she smiled knowingly down at me. That extra word was something that hadn't gone over my head, and it made me blush. I didn't want to do that again! At least, not with Ellie here... Mommy's routine was always the same. Undress the both of us, diaper the both of us, and re-dress the both of us. That meant I was lying beside my girlfriend, both of us naked but for a bra, and holding hands. I did my best not to glance over at her, but I wondered if she was looking at me. At least I knew for a fact she found diapers kind of sexy; otherwise, maybe my baby time with Mommy would be a problem. I didn't want her to find me unattractive... I was watching her; I loved watching her. I loved the way her lips were always a little glossy despite the fact she didn't wear makeup. I loved the freckles on her shoulders. I loved her cute little tummy, and the way she moved her body. I loved everything about her. Gosh. I lifted my butt when prompted and felt the comforting softness of the diaper as I sunk into it a little bit. Okay. I heard tapes! That meant her diaper was pulled up, right? So I could look. I waited an extra moment, just in case. Then I heard the telltale pat of a diaper, letting me know Mommy was done. I turned to face my girlfriend, a blush on my cheeks, and looked her over. The soft padded bra on her chest was almost the same pink as the thick diaper between her legs. I bit my lip. Wow... Diapers were a great gender unifier, that much was for sure! I felt more alike to Kylie when I was wearing one, and I liked the way Kylie looked at me. "Up you get, c'mon now, both of you. It’s time for your outfits." Oh, right. Of course! And it was going to be onesies, because it was the evening. Ellie had gotten very good at doing her hair and makeup. She picked up a lot of the tricks Mommy taught her and learned everything else online. Honestly, I thought she looked prettier than me most days! And her baby-girl self wasn't all that different. But with a diaper between my legs, with Littlespace drawing me in, things certainly felt different. I was vulnerable, but I was free. No anxiety or fear. No worries that I would do something wrong. The most unordinary feeling was shyness, and that was because she was so cute! But she felt like my sister, not my girlfriend. Or at least, as close an approximation to either of those that I could imagine. "I sometimes wonder if carpet is best for crawling on. Carpet is softer, but would scuff up your knees really bad, but no carpet would feel hard..." I was thinking about this out loud, as Mommy pulled the onesie snaps between my legs to fasten them. I didn't know how I felt about maybe sitting in my own pee all night, but I trusted Marnie. If it happened, it happened. "Dunno," I muttered. Crawling wasn't so much my thing; I was four years old, not two! But she brought up good points. Eventually, Mommy helped us both to our feet and we waddled behind her out of the bedroom. The diaper and the stuffer alone had knocked me into Littlespace, and by the time we sat down on the living room floor I was well and truly gone. Mommy grabbed my new Lego set - something we bought earlier this week at the store - and set it down on the carpet. She even got the flat plastic mat I would use when coloring, so I had something to build on. Ellie arranged the pieces for me. She put them into categories by size and color. She turned the pages of the instruction book so I didn't have to. She told me when I put something in the wrong spot, because I wasn't paying attention. The whole time, I sat as close to her as I could. I would touch our hands together when she would pass me a piece. I would put my ankle over hers when we were sitting with our legs out. The dichotomy was intense. I still loved her to death, I could tell. But it was a different love. It was feeling in awe at everything she did. It was trying to do everything the same way. It was wanting to be close to her, wanting to touch her, all the time. Not in a sexy way. Just touching, where the pressure of my body left an impression on hers. Something so she knew I was always there, and something so I knew she was always there. Ever present, like the crinkling and the thickness between my legs. I wanted her like I wanted diapers: wrapped around me, keeping me safe. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-Four "I'll wear it when you tell your parents." Marnie's 'wait and see' policy wasn't working, and Ellie's newfound confidence only took her so far. The dress hadn't arrived yet, but Ellie had already ordered it. Online. That worried me. I didn't even know how much she spent on it... "No, you have to wear it! That was the deal." "But I never said when I have to wear it. Just that I have to. Just like you have to tell your parents that you're a girl. So when you stop being stubborn, I'll stop being stubborn. How's that?" "Fine! You'll come with me to tell my parents the day it arrives, and you'll be wearing your new dress." So here was the truth about the dress: I wasn't trying to humiliate my girlfriend, and she got plenty of childish looking dresses when she was with Marnie (or so I imagined,) so I got her a proper dress. An adult dress. A cute, vintage style dress, with a long hem that didn't make a sex object of her. It was simple. But good. "And when is that, exactly?" Ten years from now, because the handmade spider silk could only be harvested from the Andes mountains once every hundred years, and woven with ancient techniques passed down through generations of local civilizations? And it would be so radiant, so beautiful that it would blind anyone who looked at me directly? I wasn't salty. No, not at all. "Uh, day after tomorrow, actually. It's sized, not tailored, so it's not going to take too long to get here. It's from a label out in New York that specializes in this style." And I could have gotten it like a hundred times cheaper on one of the many thrifting sites, but I wanted my girlfriend to have her first taste of me dressing her be something new and luxurious. "Oh." Oof, that wall of anxiety hit me right in the face. I sunk into the sofa and pushed my fingers together in my lap. "Well, you better text them. Tell them we're coming up." "I'll let you pick what I wear, alright? Fair's fair, after all." I trusted her not to humiliate me in front of my parents. And it was plain as day from the look in her eyes that she was nervous. Giving her something to focus on could be helpful. "Or...you could just pick what I wear right now?" Yeah! Feminine charms, that's right. "You look cute right now," I said with a smile. But she puffed out her cheeks in a huff. Obviously she was trying to start something sexy; we hadn't done anything serious since that first date. It had been about a week, and I didn't know what to do about it. I talked to Marnie, but I still didn't have the right words. "How about we stay at Marnie's tonight? She works tomorrow, but it's been a while. I bet she misses us." If I didn't change the conversation, it was going to get weird. "We can if you wanna, but if she works tomorrow I don't wanna impose." While Kylie had worries, I had some of my own. Like, it wasn't the first time I'd tried to initiate something and had been rebuffed. And it was only so long before I had to consider the reality that she was upset about something. And naturally that fell back on my body. I pouted. "I'll text her." Of course, Marnie was okay with it. I wasn't sure I'd ever asked to stay the night and been turned down in the five months we had known each other. Plus, our relationship had grown recently. There weren't daytime or nighttime rules anymore. Just Mommy Is Always Right. She loved that. I loved that she loved it. "Okay, that sounds like fun." I didn't wanna sound flat. I tried my best not to. I just wanted her to find me desirable, I wanted to show her how much I adored her. Blah. I took out my phone while she was texting Marnie, and shot a message to Prim. > I think things are weird after the diaper sexy times > Like maybe she's not as okay with my body as she thinks she is > Idk > Also sorry I feel like I'm always texting you with a problem! > You also send me pics of you in cute baby clothes so I think it's a fair trade > Walk me through the issue > She’s just super avoidant when I try to initiate > Like she'll change the subject or suggest anything else > Today I literally told her she could dress me up any way she wanted > And girl I have seen the way she looks at me, she's got a thirst, but something is making her shy away from me > Idk > Pffffff that's a rough one > Idk maybe she wasn't as okay with it as she thought? > Hey silly question > Have you tried to ASK her?????? > That sounds revolutionary. Let me try I put my phone down and kept the momentum of that reply in what I said to Kylie. "Hey, you know, we haven't fooled around since our date, and you usually look at me like you're a lioness about to dive on me. So I think something is probably up and if you don't wanna talk about it, that's cool, but I kinda do." Well. I mean. That was one way to bring it up. Every part of me wanted to lie and just say everything was fine, but Marnie's words rang in my ears. If I wanted to be happy, I shouldn't wait. "Yeah, uh. It's not you. I just... I'm still..." Ugh, this was hard. "I'm thinking about other stuff. And I don't really know how to put it into words, so... I promise it's not you." "You know, an 'it's not you, it's me' is usually a bad thing. So let's make it a good thing, and workshop it out. What's bothering you? Let me help you find the words, the way you always help me find mine." I'd have to remember to thank Prim. "Uh." Mm. Marnie was expecting us, but not for a little while. I wanted to stop and get some food on the way, but maybe this conversation was better to have now. "So... you're... mm. I don't really know... how to..." I explained it so poorly to Marnie. And this was Ellie! She was the one I was dating. Talking about my kinks with her was so much more embarrassing... "I'm Ellie, and I'm your girlfriend, and I want you to feel me up." I nodded to bring us both on the same page. "And you're Kylie, and you're my girlfriend, and you think I'm sexy and you wanna eat me up like a pudding cup." "Uh. Yeah, I'm with you so far." Despite her levity, I wasn't handling the situation so well. I didn't want her to think I was weird. I didn't want her to look at me like some pedophile or something. I felt a sickness build in my stomach and held my arms tight around it. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... "I just... you remember on our date, and you asked if it was going to be weird mixing like, sex stuff and little stuff? Well I think maybe it is weird now? That I've had some time to think about it." "Oh, shoot, really? Cause I've been looking stuff up online and I think uh... it's kinda sexy? Like, the helplessness, the aesthetic, the 'oh look how much I depend on you,' that kind stuff. Prim showed me some websites, and I read some stories, and I was pretty excited about that." I mean. I didn't get it yet, because since that first time we hadn't tried anything, but Prim had said to just be bold about it when it came to kinks so I was trying to be. Kylie was looking down at her arms though, and I realized that she was not in a great way about this. So I put mine around her, and I put my hand on the back of her neck to gently play with her hair. "Hey hey, it's okay, it's okay, it's alright. We don't have to talk about this." "I just... I don't want to screw something up. Or make you upset. Or..." I didn't think she actually liked it! She wanted to be babied. She thought it was sexy. I thought it was sexy. So what was the problem? Everything worked out on paper. Then why did I feel this way? I leaned into her shoulder and closed my eyes. "Sorry..." A recent addition in my vocabulary. "It's alright, I promise. You didn't screw anything up, and nothing is going to screw things up either. I love you, and we're just going to talk about stuff. We’re gonna try things, all things, any things, and if we like them we'll keep them and if we don't, we won't. But we're in uncharted territory, and we decide what that means." This whole being a girl thing had brought about a lot of confidence in me, and the ability to see uncertainty and risk and decide to do the thing anyway. This whole being a girlfriend thing had also been good for Kylie, and taught her how to be vulnerable, how to let her guard down. "I'm really proud of you." "Eh... yeah. Thanks." Somehow, I didn't have a panic attack. Probably because my girlfriend was so fucking sweet. But I didn't want to keep talking about this. I had a lot to think about. "Let's head to Marnie's okay?" "Okay! Should I bring my skirtall ensemble? Do you think she'd wanna see it?" Indirectly, did Kylie want to see me in it? "Sure, if you want. I know you wanted it to be a not-at-Marnie's kind of thing. But we could swing by your place." I wondered if Noland knew we were dating. Probably, right? I never bothered to ask. "Actually, you know, maybe not? I think I'd rather wear something cute of yours from her place anyway." I'd pulled Kylie out of a deep dive, but that didn't mean she was flying level. Marnie was pretty perfect for her when it came to big feelings like this, and I didn't want to divert her attention. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

No worries, I was just making a joke. Nope, most current hormone replacement is super safe. But there are health risks to any medication, and this is no different.

If this is a dig at our propensity for torturing our characters, then maybe! But in real life, no not really. Synthetic estrogen increases risk of blood clots, and anti-androgens can be rough on the liver. But it's nothing that can't be managed with regular light exercise and responsible drinking.

Chapter Eighty-Three "I'll meet you inside?" We were in the parking lot at Marnie's place. "I'm going to take some pictures of my medicines and show Prim, low-key brag about how badass I am at being a girl." "Mm. Okay. Don't take too long." The plan wasn't to stay at Marnie's; I just had to pick up some stuff. Namely, I was out of diapers at my place. She was my supplier, so to speak. But Ellie waiting in the car would give me time to ask about the Ellie x Baby stuff. So I left her alone and went inside. Her scooter was here, so she was definitely home. "Well this is a lovely surprise, an unexpected visit from my little girl? What does Mommy owe the pleasure?" Marnie was in the middle of the living room when Kylie let herself in, and she had her hair up in a ponytail to keep it out of the way while she was working on putting together a new side table. "Uh, pickups mostly..." I closed the door behind me and kicked off my shoes by the door. "Ellie's in the car. She just got her pills, so she's texting Prim." I watched Marnie for signs of displeasure at Prim's name, but she didn't show any. "Oh that's awesome! Her anti-cis-tamines? I'm so happy for her. She's going to be one rollercoaster of emotions when they kick in, but she's got a great best friend so I think she'll be okay. Is she coming in?” Marnie clearly appreciated the distraction from her furniture endeavors. "Eventually. But I wanted to ask you a few questions..." I sat on the floor and picked up a piece of the side-table, then checked the instructions. Maybe it had something to do with my recent Lego fixations, but I was good at putting things together. "Oh, sure, let me get you a drink." Which meant a sippy cup of juice, in Marnie-speak, and she stepped over Kylie to head into the kitchen. When Marnie came back - a sippy cup in her hands - I had already put together half the table. It wasn't that hard when you followed the instructions. I took a sip and set it down on the floor, without even a comment about the cup. "So, Ellie and I are dating. I asked her, like you said, and she said we were." "And how do you feel about that? You said that she said you're dating, so how does that make you feel?" Marnie leaned against the sofa, smiling warmly. "Well, obviously I wanted her to say that!" We had been talking about it for days. "But she said it with such certainty, you know? It was nice..." I smiled a little to myself and screwed one of the legs onto the end table. "She never used to be able to make a decision. It's a little weird, actually." "I mean, you never used to be able to talk about your feelings either, but some life changes just bring about an opportunity to grow and blossom, I think. You learned how to be a baby, so you can talk about your feelings. Ellie learned how to be a girl, so she could actually make a choice for once. I'm proud of you both!" I rolled my eyes. She wasn't wrong, but she didn't have to say it like that! "So anyway, you know how we were like... having issues with intimate stuff, 'cause of Ellie's body? And we were sort of..." All this stuff was so much easier to talk about in text? In person, it felt silly... "Yeah, she's got dysphoria." Marnie nodded, in understanding, and to be fair she'd seen a lot more of the heavily crippling side of that in her earlier days with Ellie. "Right, so we've been handling that in our own way. You know." By diapering her for sexy times. "And... I dunno. It's kind of nice. Like. It makes her comfortable, which is nice. But also, I think I kind of... uh..." I shrugged a bit and a hint of color tinted my cheeks. "I dunno, it's cute, so..." "You know, sweetheart, you've said a lot and told me nothing. Is it something you're shy about?" "I think it's kinda sexy, you know? Just. Her. Being dressed like that! And... and I dunno!" I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance. She knew I was talking about diapers! We texted about it! And my face was red enough to give anything away. "You think it's sexy when your girlfriend wears diapers, and you're being intimate with her?" Marnie had a lopsided smile, a little grin, honestly, and she nodded her head. "Water is wet, too." Well, if she couldn't tell I was blushing before, she sure could now! I looked down at the instructions for the end table with a bit too much attention, trying to do anything but look up at Mommy's silly smile. "Should I even be talking to you about this stuff? I mean, you're ace. And I'm like, your daughter or something. And also so is Ellie? But you're also like... the person I talk to when I'm anxious about something so..." "You know that ace doesn't automatically mean I'm sex repulsed, right? I just don't find other people sexy. I read a lot of really steamy romance stories, so you let me worry about what I like and let's focus on you." She wasn't scolding Kylie, per se, but it was important to remind her that rarely was anything black and white. "You're my Little, Ellie kinda probably is, too, and you two are dating. That's not weird, that's not wrong, and as your Mommy I am the perfect person for you to bring your anxieties to. So how can I help, sugar?" She sure talked like a mom. Or at least, the kind I saw on TV. I would never talk to my mom about sex or Ellie or anything I cared about. But Marnie was like, Mom 2.0. So I threw caution to the wind. "Well, since she's already in a diaper, I tease her a bit. You know, act like she's..." Not a baby. That wasn't the right word. But I wanted to use baby stuff? "It's weird, because I want to treat her like an adult. Right? But I also want to baby her. But not like you baby her, or me. But like... I dunno." Why was this so confusing? "I know people do this. People mix sex stuff and little stuff. Prim told Ellie it was pretty normal, and the internet seems to agree. But it feels like more than that. Like, I want to treat her like... or talk to her like... I dunno! I don't want her to be a baby. I don't want to feel up a kid. That's fucking gross." "Diapers don't make you a kid, sweetheart. It's like clothes: clothes don't make Ellie a girl, the assertion that she's a girl makes her a girl. Even though she wore panties all the time before, that didn't make a girl, not until she made the assertion that's who she was. Likewise, you're a little kid when you are, because you say you are. And conversely, if you dressed Ellie up in a diaper, and binkie, and pretty dress, and made her fill her diaper while you teased her? That doesn't make her a little kid. And listen, I know it's not the perfect analogy, because when you're Little you're not actually a kid, and you still have responsibilities and your actions have consequences and all that, but I hope you get my meaning? Does that make sense? Accessories to feeling Little can also be accessories to feeling very Big or very Embarrassed or very Aroused, all based on the context." "I guess..." I followed her logic. Just because Ellie was in a diaper didn't mean she was a baby. That helped with half the problem, but the other was a little trickier. "I think I'm okay with what she's wearing. But it's the... the saying stuff. Like, you know how you talk to us? Calling us cute baby girls and saying we're too little to do things? I feel like... like I want to say that stuff. And make her feel those things. But in a sexy way. And that's not sexy, right?" So far, this conversation was all about Ellie. Things I wanted to say, things I wanted to do. But the truth was, I was as equally worried about myself. Ellie's confidence the past few days had led to a lot more teasing. She made me blushy like Marnie did, but there were different feelings mixed in there. Arousal. Desire. It wasn't innocent with Ellie. "I mean, I call you a baby girl. High school boys all over the world call their girlfriends baby girl. I can tell you three online friends right now who call their partners Daddy - one of which is a female partner, I'll add - and none of that means the same as one another. I think it's all context, darling. I call you baby girl as an act of love. You can call Ellie baby girl as an act of lust. And neither infringes on the other." "Baby and Lust are not congruent words," I said flatly, a little annoyed. She was trying her best, but maybe there wasn't an answer for this. Maybe it was just weird, or maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe Ellie didn't even feel the way I did. But a lot of people did, right? Fuck... "Maybe. You could ask Prim, you know? The DL side of things was always more in her wheelhouse than in mine." Marnie smiled appreciatively at the almost finished table. "No, it's... it's fine." I shook my head and focused on the table for a bit. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. Ellie could get over her dysphoria stuff and I could show her that it was okay. That was the plan from the start, right? And then I didn't have to think about all this stuff. "You came over here for something?" Marnie asked curiously. "Oh, uh. I just needed more diapers for my room. Just a pack." "Uh huh, you can help yourself. But if you think I haven't noticed you closing off and shutting down on that topic just now, then you must think I don't know you very well." Marnie smiled knowingly, and chose her next words carefully. "Do you remember how long it took for you to trust me, to trust us? No more rules, no more silly social constructs. Just us. And look how happy that makes you now. It could have been so much sooner, if you hadn't gotten in your own way. Don't get in your own way with Ellie. You'll get the same happy ending eventually, but why wait?" I nodded my head. Maybe Marnie was right. Maybe I should just talk to Ellie about it. But there was so much wrapped up in all that. Expressing my own feelings. Talking about hers. And each of that had layers, since we were dating now. It felt overwhelming. But I managed to persuade myself. I'd talk to Ellie, when I figured out what I wanted to say. "Thanks, Mommy," I said with a half smile, setting her end table on its legs. It looked pretty good. "I should get going. I guess Ellie isn't coming in after all." "She sent me a text asking me to let her know when she should come up. I expect she figured you'd want some alone time with me first." Marnie held up her phone with a smile and nodded to the bedroom. "Take what diapers you need, sweetheart. Grab some powder and wipes, too." ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-Two "I don't know, it feels too easy. Like there’s some big game afoot, and someone is waiting to jump out in front of me and shout 'psych!' or be like 'maam you're under arrest' or something like that." In one hand, I had a paper prescription sheet, and in the other, I had Kylie. We were on our way to the CVS across the street. The doctor had been nice. Well. Brisk, a little curt, but nice. He told me that I couldn't have kids, told me I could get cancer, told me I'd get boobs. He wrote two scripts, and then sent me on my way. Literally just like that. "Maybe things just aren't as hard as we think they are, sometimes?" I shrugged, holding Ellie's hand as we crossed the street. It felt kind of cute, like a kid and her mom. And it felt kind of romantic, because I'd never really hold Ellie's hand like this before. This felt so new and different. A few weeks ago, that would have terrified me. Now, I cherished it. "It's nice when things are easy, everybody needs a lucky break sometimes." I handed off the prescriptions and my insurance card to the pharmacist and I went to sit down, but Kylie was heading down one of the aisles and I hurried to catch up with her. "Hey, where're you going? Did you need something?" She took me by then hand and rolled her eyes as we turned down the aisle into the baby supplies. "You need baby powder for your place. And wipes." "Why would I need that stuff?" "Because my apartment isn't going to be our only sexy spot. I should probably get some for my car too..." What if I wanted to lewd her in the back seat? "I... okay, yeah, that makes sense, and - wait, why your car? What?" I understood at home! That made sense, if diapers were going to be a regular part of our sex life. But it's not like anything like that could happen in a car! She held out a bottle of powder expecting me to take it, which I did, because I was nothing if not helpful! "Stop being a baby. Or I'll get you a pacifier too." I handed her a few packs of wipes - I could use another set for my place anyway. "Pacifiers would make cute gags... I wonder if they make those? Or maybe you could super glue them? I dunno..." The past few days had certainly done a number on me; eleven long years of sexual repression was dripping out. I'd been looking up a lot of stuff online about gender dysphoria and sex with trans girls. I never thought about it before, but I could get a strap on. She had places for that! And she was so cute in diapers, I could play that up. Sexy adult baby stuff, that's a thing! I saw it online! "What. Gag? No no no, my best quality is my charming wit and pillow banter!" I pouted, playfully, puffed cheeks and all! "And and and, super glue? You can't superglue a pacifier to my lips, I'll starve, and—" And I was very red, and very warm, and very flushed and apparently very into this. Yeah, maybe the super glue thing was too much. But she was so cute when she blushed! I took all the stuff to the checkout counter and paid with UBI credits. Then Ellie and I went back toward the pharmacy window. "You knowwwwww..." My tone seemed leading. "Today is seven days." "Huh?" "Voice. No screw-ups." I blinked. No. No way! For real? I rewound the past few days in my brain, trying to find an instance of her slipping up. She had to have slipped up, right? But she had been practicing all month. "Fuck..." "Yuh-huh, it's time to pay the dress-reaper. Trust me, dresses are the best thing in the world anyway, and your Mommy can check you real easy when you're in one, so~" Yeah, two could play at this blushing game! I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance, but her stupid words had had their desired effect. I blushed. "Fine! Ugh. Listen. No lolita shit. No baby stuff. If you actually want me to wear this thing, then it has to be... I don't know. At least a little bit my style. A normal dress. Normal! You hear me?" I spent most of my childhood in dresses because my mom liked to stuff me into that frilly little-church-girl shit. When I started puberty, when I was strong enough to fight her off, I vowed never to wear another dress again. Marnie fucked that up. Now Ellie was too. It made me uncomfortable. "You got it. The point isn't to humiliate you, it's to help you see the perks and benefits. So be good, you little brat, and let your girlfriend take care of you." I kissed her on the cheek and returned to the pharmacist. Little brat. Fuck me. Her confidence was going to be my downfall, I just knew it... It wasn't until we went down toward the front check out to pay for our other things that I realized I'd actually went and done it. I had those pills in my hand. In a paper bag, in two little bottles. And that feeling hit me like a train. "We should stop at Marnie's," I muttered, climbing into the driver's seat of my car. I felt odd. Tingly, like Littlespace, without all the side-effects. I could drive just fine. I could act like myself. But there were butterflies in my tummy. Was this what it was like to be in a relationship? Or was this just what it was like to be happy? "That sounds like fun! We can talk to her about your dress, but honestly I have a pretty good idea of what you'll like." If nothing else, I had a good taste in fashion that far transcended gender. I knew what I was doing. "But if you come near my lips with superglue, I'm gonna tattle to your Mommy about it and you'll get... uh... spanked? Put in the corner? Or something? I don't know!" "Spanked, I think..." That had happened a few times in the past. "Though maybe we shouldn't mention super glue pacifiers to Marnie at all. For both our sakes." Actually, I wasn't sure Marnie would even do something like that. It was kind of bondage-adjacent, right? Marnie didn't do the tying up thing. She didn't force people. It wasn't a sexual experience for her. Maybe Ellie and I found our own brand of baby stuff separate from Marnie? Oh, I should definitely make sure she's fine with that... ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Eighty-One "Hey, we're here for an appointment?" Ellie stood beside me at the window. The receptionist was doing something on her computer. "Preferred name?" she asked. "Uh..." Did she give her preferred name when she made the appointment? "Eloise Amabel Ranze." I answered. I was a little bashful, not because I was saying it out loud, but because I hadn't really talked to Kylie about what 'Ellie' might be short for. It felt like it should be short for something! Prim had said that having a full proper name was good for feeling little when I got in trouble. Although her name was Primrose, so maybe I shouldn’t have taken her advice. "Amabel?" I stifled a laugh. That wasn't a name! "Okay, Eloise..." The receptionist clicked through the screens on her computer and started preparing a clipboard. She was young. Mid-twenties or something? "And you're here for hormones, right? Do you have a PCP?" "I don't know what that is." I blinked, and the receptionist mumbled under her breath. "So that's a no, then. You'll need to fill this out here, here, sign these three after reading, this one is an informed consent rider, initial each page at the bottom, and then sign where the X's are." Well, this was overwhelming... Ellie started signing some papers and the receptionist asked a few more questions, preparing a second packet. "What about a therapist? Who do you see?" Therapist? Maybe Ellie should see a therapist. Maybe I should see a therapist! Then, after a moment of contemplation, I should really see a therapist... "I don't have a therapist," I answered quietly, getting increasingly more anxious about being here. I hated doctors so much! "Hm. Okay." She took the papers back behind the counter and passed a second packet to Ellie. Name. Birthdate. Insurance information. All that junk. Then she passed Ellie a business card. "You need three months of therapy before a doctor will prescribe your hormones, so put down this information in the 'therapy' part of the packet. And keep the card, in case the doctor asks your therapist's name." "Uh... but she doesn't see..." I glanced over Ellie's shoulder at the card. "Sydney Conners. Isn't that going to be a problem?" "She switched agencies, so the number doesn't ring through," the receptionist explained. "The doctor will prescribe a month's worth until he hears back. After that month is up, find a PCP - that's a primary care physician. Any doctor can fill the script once you have it, so you don't need a psychiatrist anymore. Or a therapist. Though you should get one." "Um... okay, I um..." My voice had gotten very quiet. Because I was overwhelmed. Because this all seemed like so much. Because I wanted to run now. "So we're cheating the system, kind of. Can't you get in trouble for that?" I didn't understand why this receptionist was helping us. Maybe I had more trust issues than I thought. "Not really. I'm not a doctor, I don't have a license. The most they can do is fire me, but that's more work than it's worth. And I don't see why you need someone else's approval to do whatever you want with your body, so." She shrugged. "Bring those papers back to me when you're done. Keep the card." Okay... I walked away with Ellie, to a set of chairs along the back wall. We sat down and I flipped through the packet. "This sure is an adventure, huh?" "Adventure," I nodded despondently in agreement. Kylie noticed, though, and she used one hand to hold the packet and the other to take my hand. I felt her squeeze and looked up at her, frowning softly to myself. "This might be too much for me." "You're doing great," I said, holding her hand. "This is just to get you some pills. Then you can decide what you want to do with them, okay? This part will be easy." I started filling in the information on the packet, so she didn't have to. I liked that they had different gender and sex categories, and that only the insurance page asked for a legal name. Of course, I had to learn to spell the absolute atrocity that was Amabel. Maybe I would get used to it. "I know. I know. I don't get stressed about stuff, but maybe that's just because I avoid the things that could stress me out. Like I've been avoiding this." I gestured around the waiting room. "I take good care of myself—" says the girl who barely eats, but hey I was getting better about that, "—so I don't have to see doctors." "Well, it sounds like..." I was still trying to parse a lot of what the receptionist had said. "You don't ever have to come back here. We're supposed to get you a normal doctor, like... that does check ups or something. Maybe we'll get you a pediatrician?" I smirked. "That's a child..." Oh. Oh. That got a smile. I leaned in close to whisper to her, so nobody else could hear. "Hey, you brat, you're the one who got me into this whole diaper mess, so you don't get to tease me." I blushed a little. Not because of what she meant, but because of what she said. Diaper mess. She didn't know the half of it. But there was another word that felt magnetized, like it was drawing me in. Brat. Marnie never called me that before. Stubborn, headstrong, willful... not a brat. I thought I'd hate it, but... it had a weird charm. Childish, but defiant. A combination of Kylies. Huh... "Here, these are done. Go give them to the receptionist." I pushed the papers into Ellie's hands. "Alright, I can do that. I can do this." I nodded, encouraged with myself, and stood up to take the papers up to the receptionist. I put them down on the counter, turned smoothly in place in my dress, and went back over to Kylie. Nailed it! "So, uh. While we're waiting. I wanted to ask you something." Maybe this wasn't the time to bring it up. Maybe I should wait until we were in a less stressful situation. But it had been a few days and it had been the subject of my anxiety a couple times already. Marnie said it was best to just ask. "Are we like. Dating? You know, girlfriend/girlfriend dating? Or is this just... figuring things out?" "Dating." I answered with uncharacteristic certainty. "Girlfriend/Girlfriend thing." I made eye contact with Kylie, smiling faintly as the anxiety of this whole situation was washed away for a short spell by an unexpected moment of clarity. "I'm your girlfriend, Kylie. I hope that's okay with you?" "Uh... yeah. Yeah, that's okay with me." I mean, that's what I wanted! But her confidence was... staggering. It was actually happening a lot this week. Every single time, it caught me off guard. But it had spared me so much trouble too. In one word, she resolved days of anxiety. I took Ellie's hand and held it in mine. Then a door opened and someone called her name. I followed her into the doctor's office. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Thank you guys for all the lovely comments. ❤️ Sorry I don't reply often enough! Just know that I read them and they always make me happy!

Chapter Eighty > You went quiet! > Hello?? > Seriously?? > You ask me about makeup tips, then disappear. > Real classy, El! > Wow still no reply, huh? It's like 2am. > You okay? Something happen? > Message me when you get this. > Sorry, I was on a date > With Kylie > I didn't mean to leave you hanging!! > O_O > Um what? > Tell me everything! > Everything! > > Well, we went out for dinner, and saw a movie, and then came home and I freaked out about the whole penis things > Not because I mind but because when we were getting diapered once she saw it and she freaked out > But then she had this idea and it was pretty fun! > Idea? > Oh man your life is wild already and you're only toes deep in the ocean of ABDL culture > You should get a Twitter > No way I'd feel compelled to have thoughts 140 characters long > I’m a strict Instagram girl > Anyway unrelated to the above > Uh > Have you ever worn a diaper like um... > Not when you're little? > Yes? > Probably half the time. > 1. Cozy af > 2. 9 of 10 gamer girls recommend > 3. Diapers are like Mr. Clean Magic Erasers for gender dysphoria > You know the saying, a transgirl without her diapers is like an angel without her wings "Is that Prim?" Ellie wasn't dressed, and I fucking loved it. She was laying on her stomach with her phone in her hands and her diapered ass was on full display. I walked by - already dressed - and patted the seat of her diaper. All her butterflies were still there. I squeaked a bit when she crinkled my butt and stuck out my tongue at her as cute as I could muster for this time of morning. "Yeah, she says that a transgirl without her diapers is like an angel without her wings. That sounds like some pretty key wisdom." I typed back another reply to her. > What about uh... > Umm > What about during intimacy? > Yeah sure > I mean it's weird at first, especially with people who might not GET IT > But it's a useful. No dysphoria, no cleanup. > Plus, like... kinda sexy rite? > Or are you not into that? "I told Marnie about her last week. Did I tell you this? I feel like I told you this..." There was some bad blood between Prim and Marnie, because their relationship at the end was really toxic. Prim was always forcing Marnie into sexual situations, and she didn't respect Marnie's asexuality. On the other hand, Marnie was pushy and a little manipulative, something I remembered from early in our time together. Maybe my stubbornness had a positive effect on her? Or maybe she just got over herself. Either way, it seemed like Marnie had moved past it. She didn't even mind that Ellie and Prim were friends. "Uhhuh, you did. Some people aren't bad people, they're just bad for each other." That was actually something Prim had told me, and Marnie had said something remarkably similar, which made me sure it was a part of their break up discussions. > I don't know if I'm into it? > I mean. maybe? > I might be now. > Kylie put me in a diaper and played with me uh.. > Is this TMI? It feels like TMI > The amount of things I see on a daily basis would astound you > The internet is an untamed landscape > There is absolutely nothing you can tell me that is TMI "Yeah. I'm a bit bitter I think, because like. Hey, that's my Mommy!" I said it with such conviction, it brought a blush to my cheeks. "But then again, I probably wouldn't like her if she kept trying to manipulate me. So..." I saw both sides of the argument. That didn't mean I liked Prim! "You're so stinking cute, you know that? 'That's my Mommy!', gosh. How did I fall for someone so precious?" I smiled, genuinely, and made a kissy face at her. > Well, ok. > She put me in a diaper > And rubbed me... through it, I guess? > For like hours > It wasn't like... what I expected > But she didn't freak out at all > And she kept calling it really sexy > So maybe it's her thing? > Maybe it's my thing > Idk > Want my opinion? > Grab all the fetishes you can > When you play Bingo you don't say "yeah I have B5 but am I really into that?" > You just take it > That way, you get more Bingos > Bingos are orgasms in this analogy "Are you staying like that all day, or are you going to get dressed?" No complaints from me either way! "Oh, I'm staying like this all day. And all year, honestly. I've given up clothes. I just wear diapers and bras now. Dates are gonna be fun from now on." > Huh okay I guess that makes sense > So this isn’t some weird thing? > I wasn’t sure if it was some faux pas or something > Nah some people just think its sexy > Like, no baby stuff at all > Other people think it's baby > No sexy stuff at all > And like 80% of people are like that "both is good" meme from The Road to El Dorado "Did the doctor call you back? Did you get an appointment?" I went into the living room to find my phone. Turns out, I left it on the kitchen counter. When I came back, I snapped a picture of my best friend, texting on my bed. It made the camera-clicky sound. "Hey! I just said I'll be in diapers and a bra only from now on, you don't need no pictures." I sat up and puffed out my cheeks, cute as I could manage. "Is it cute? Let me see!" My next texts were destined to be delayed! ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Seventy-Nine When I returned to the bed I was holding a pale purple diaper in my hands, the color you might find on an Easter egg. But rather than stripes and speckles, it was decorated with pink and blue butterfly silhouettes. Behind the silhouettes were white butterfly outlines, but they would fade away when wet. Over the past few months, I'd tried a lot of adult diapers. Actually, I tried a nigh unrealistic amount of them. Why were there so many companies and so many prints for such a niche pair of underwear? But through them all, the butterflies always came out on top. They were cute, sure. They weren't too girly. They hugged softly around my hips, and had tapes like super glue. Most importantly, they were constantly present. They weren't thicker than any of the other diapers I had, and they didn't crinkle any louder. But there was something special about them. Their unique thickness was impossible to ignore. Their quiet rustling always found its way to my ears. They reminded me, every moment I had them on, that I was safe. I... I liked that. "Okay, lay down." "What? You aren't putting that on me!" "They aren't easy to put on yourself," I said sharply. "You'll screw it up." Kylie had a remarkably good point: I'd never put a diaper on myself, and I would absolutely and horrifically ruin any attempt. However! Part of the point of my wearing a diaper was so she didn't see my downstairs and get weirded out by it. I winced a little from my teeth pressing into my lip, and I could feel categorically the heat emanating from my cheeks. And she was so cute! And we'd been kissing! And I was aroused, okay! Cocks had a thing they tended to do under those circumstances. Although, admittedly, each passing second of worry was diminishing that issue rapidly. "Don't look..." I mumbled, laying down on the bed and covering my face with my hands. "I'm not going to get used to it unless you let me see," I said plainly. "And you won't get used to it either." But hey. No need to rush things, right? So I grabbed the blanket from the foot of my bed - a small throw that I would use if my room got too cold - and draped it over Ellie's lower half. I could do the first part blind. "Lift your butt." It was weird! And it was weirder because it wasn't weird when it was Marnie doing it. But now that it was Kylie, I was getting all squirrelly? Come on, Ellie, you can handle this just fine, I know you can. I pushed my feet into the bed and lifted my butt up high as I could manage, which was probably too high. Panties off! Easy peasy. Then I unfolded the diaper. I knew it was stupid, but I felt a tinge of jealousy. This whole night had been a mess - even though it was a pleasant mess - and a diaper would be nice for my anxiety. Plus, the only times I ever unfolded my own diapers were when I was putting it on myself. The association was strong. Then I remembered why I was doing this at all: so I could feel up my cute date. The jealousy passed, replaced with anticipation. "Up again." I pressed with my feet again, lifting my legs with a sigh, or maybe closer to a whimper. Definitely a whimper. Not the kind of noise a boy makes on a first date! Or a girl either, for that matter. Diaper under her butt. Her bare butt. Ahh, I'd never even seen her bare butt before! When Marnie changed her, she was always on her back. Okay, Kylie. Keep your hormones in check for thirty damn seconds. "And down." Doing this with a blanket over her wasn't that bad. It was a little weird and I wasn't sure if the diaper was even or not. But I could correct it in post. I pulled the diaper up between her legs and pressed it firmly to her waist. Then I removed the blanket so I could see what I was doing for the next part. Tapes were always the hardest to get right. "Could you hold this for me, just... right here?" I guided her hands to the waistband of the diaper, so I had both hands free and the diaper wouldn't fall open. Marnie never asked me to do that. But this felt contextually different to time with Marnie. Marnie did this to make me feel Little, and it had an air of innocence and childishness to it. But with Kylie... I didn't feel like a little kid. I felt like an adult, who was horny, wearing a diaper. I held my hand where she told me to and focused on sensations. The sounds of the diaper, the way Kylie breathed, the thickness between my thighs. "Lift your butt one more time, okay?" She did. I had to fix some of the alignment problems I was having with the blanket over her. But after another moment, I was sure I had it right. She held the front of the diaper while I pulled the tapes, pressing them firmly to the landing zone. No need for baby powder - she wasn't going to wet herself. In the end, the diaper was snug around her hips and I did a pretty good job! It was way easier on someone else than on myself. I patted the front of her diaper the way Marnie always did with me. But I didn't move my hand away when I was done. "Better?" I asked, a little nervously. This was weird, but... gosh I wanted to kiss her again. I felt her hand on the front of the diaper, having stayed there after she was done patting me. And when I moved my arm from covering up my face, I was about as red as I think I could ever have been. Like, I wasn't sure I even had the blood in my body to be as blushy as I was in that moment. I nodded my head, and shyly looked away. "Better, uhhuh. Kiss please?" "For sure." I crawled on top of her, slowly, and put my lips to hers. A gentle kiss. Until we were in a better position. Then I kissed more assertively. My hands trailed down her bare sides, from the band of her bra to the top of her diaper. It crinkled when I touched it and I felt heat on my cheeks. Not bad, though. Kinda... cute. "I always figured I'd be the one on top, you know?" I mumbled shyly, between a few soft kisses. "But you're lovely and wonderful and kind to me, and I feel safe with you Kylie." Where had that sentimentality come from? "Yeah well. You've always been the best part of my life. Sorry I didn't realize..." I paused and bit my lip. Maybe if I knew Ellie was a girl all this time, we could have been dating or something. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready until Marnie. "You're gonna make me cry if you keep up that sappy talk, Kylie. So let’s go back to the kissing part." I wasn't sure I was expecting my first time being intimate with a girl to involve wearing a diaper - especially one I could absolutely not forget I was wearing - but it did help with my anxiety. So I kissed her again. And I rolled onto my side and wrapped my arms around her. I cupped her padded ass in my hand and squeezed. Definitely not the same as squeezing her panties. It actually made me laugh a little, breaking our kiss. "Sorry... you're just so cute." I couldn't help but smile. "Hey, no need to be sorry. I’m your diapered dolly girl, so you should take advantage of me." I wanted to make her blush, and I wasn't sure if my words had hit the mark. I did know I almost said girlfriend though, and that was enough to make me blush again! Dolly, huh? Well, that certainly had a level of appeal to it. Like spanking videos online or when someone tells a story of how they tied a girl to the bed. And maybe my libido was a bit overdone, but I let myself have the moment. I kissed her hard and ran my hand up her thigh, to the front of her diaper, and pushed against it with my palm. I couldn't feel her through the padding; it looked like Ellie was right about diapers and dysphoria. Band name? I definitely felt her touching me. Not directly, not like a handjob, but more like... well, I didn't have a point of comparison. The diaper felt nice when it rubbed against me though, and I felt my breath hitch a little in my throat as she experimentally touched and played. "That feels really really good…" Might as well give her the feedback, right? "Yeah? I'm glad..." I was nervous at first. I didn't want to feel something I shouldn't. I didn't want her to think I felt something I might feel or might not feel. Honestly, I didn't care all that much. Yeah, Ellie was right about my surprise during her changes. But that was societal conditioning! She was a girl, so she was a girl. She was my girl. My free hand squeezed the outside of her bra and I went in for another kiss. Our bodies were pressed together, and I was still wearing my dress pants. I wished we were naked. Was sleeping together on the first date still tacky? I hadn't dated anyone in 11 years... I put one hand on her back and guided my fingers up to her hair, to play at the nape of her neck, and I rested the other lightly on the back of her hand that was experimentally exploring my diaper. I pressed her fingers deeper into the padding, to let her know it was okay. She was doing fine. So, I'd never been with a girl before. I didn't really know the right touchy spots. I didn't even know what I wanted! But Ellie was helpful. She put her hand on mine and moved me a little bit from the front of her diaper, down between her legs. I turned my wrist a little and curled my hand. This felt a lot more natural, and her labored breaths were working me up. My thoughts were growing secondary to all the new ways I could explore her. I didn't consider the logistics here, because there was no way she could wrap her hand around me. But at the same time, the padding was pressing into me... or rather, I was pressing against the padding, so I thought this could work. And it was definitely working. "Oh. Oh. Oh gosh." I pulled her in for another kiss, because I was self conscious about my voice cracking when I was gasping like that. "Mm..." I kissed her lips and slipped my tongue in her mouth. I'd never done that before. I didn't even know if I was doing it right! But I wanted to, and my body was getting a mind of its own. I pressed tighter to her and slid my thigh over hers, only the layers of my pants between us. I wanted to take them off, but that meant stopping. I didn't want to stop. It was so anachronistic, because we were adults, who dressed like babies, who were fooling around with all the finesse of exploratory teenagers. And oh, I was in a diaper too. But I was far too turned on to make witty commentary. Instead, I ran my fingers down from her neck, over her shoulder, down her arm, and found her chest. Her boobs. Her perfect, wonderful boobs, and that body that she refused to ever let people tell her was beautiful. "You're really good at... at um... touching my diaper..." I figured she'd like that feedback too. Her diaper. Gosh, that was super not sexy. Right? It wasn't supposed to be, anyway! But it made me smile. I liked knowing I was doing it right. I liked knowing I couldn't make a mistake. Plus, she looked fucking adorable. "It doesn't matter what you wear," I whispered to her through kisses, through presses between her legs, through crinkles echoing in my quiet bedroom. "It doesn't matter what you look like. I love..." Pause. I was going to say something about loving her body. Loving her mind. But truthfully, I just loved her. Not in a gooey romantic 'fall in love and be together forever' kind of way. But Ellie was my best friend. I had said it before, so why wouldn't I say it now? Because we were on our first date? It didn't change how I felt. So I steeled myself and finished the sentence. "I love you, no matter what." "I love you, too." I didn't skip a beat. I didn't pause, I didn't give reason for doubt. It was easy for me to say it, because I'd been feeling it for years. Only now, for the first time, it didn't feel unrequited. And that was so lovely! And I was so turned on. And I wanted her to be too. I wanted to go down on her, I wanted her to see how much I adored her. She wasn't letting me move, though; she was very clearly in charge. * * * * * When I finally checked the time, it was three in the morning. We spent hours kissing and touching and teasing each other. Eventually my pants came off, and my panties were so wet I thought Ellie would put me in a diaper. Part of me even wanted her too! But she was too polite to say anything. When we were finally done - fizzled out like candles lit for too long - we hadn’t really done anything that could have been called 'sex'. It was just nice feelings and exploration and it felt very... first date. Much nicer than the only other first date I'd had in my life. Ellie and I were lying near-naked together in bed. Bras and panties. Or, in Ellie's case, bra and diaper. I drew little lines from her belly button to he top of her diaper and back down again. My eyes were so heavy... "So sexy..." I muttered sleepily. "You think so?" I was so content. And I didn't think I would have been, given the fact that we'd spent hours playing with one another and hadn't had sex. We had fun. We explored. We played. And we bonded in a way that was uniquely us. "Maybe I'll just have to wear diapers more often..." I conjured ideas in my head of some minxy newly-wed in black lingerie, teasing her partner, "strut over to my girl on the sofa, sit on your lap, put your hand up my thigh to feel my diaper?" What a good night... "Mm... sexy..." I swear, I didn't have a fetish! I didn't think diapers were sexy three hours ago! But Ellie just made them look so cute, and she was so confident about her body when she was wearing one. Then again, she had been a lot more confident recently. Maybe it wasn't the diaper. Maybe it was just New Ellie. "Falling asleep," I muttered, after maybe a minute or maybe an hour. I knew I nodded off. I fell asleep not too long after, in a bra and a diaper, cuddled up to my best friend - who was maybe my girlfriend? - who was in a bra and panties. Why wasn't she in a diaper again? Maybe sexy stuff involving diapers had a one diaper limit? I'd have to ask... well, not Marnie - she wasn't into sex stuff. Maybe Prim, though? In the morning, I'd text Prim about it. For sure. For tonight, I slept. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Seventy-Eight "Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?" "No, no-no-no, I'm just..." It was easier to put this on myself than to risk making her feel guilty, so I took the fall. "I'm... you know, different. I'm not like other girls." Which she obviously knew. But maybe if I put it like that, and gestured down with my eyes, she'd understand what I was trying to say. Of course she wasn't. She was Ellie. She was my best friend. I didn't even date other girls! But with a few awkward glances and motions with her hands to her body, I sort of got the implication. "Oh." Uhhhh... hm. "Well, I don't mind?" Yeah, like that helped. It wasn't about me. It was about her. Hm... "Tell me how you feel?" "Like Cinderella. Like if you lift the veil, I'll turn into a pumpkin." Like you'll see me differently when you see me undressed. I should have said it. I should have just been honest about it. "Oh." Hm. I had only seen her naked a few times, at Marnie's place. How we had gone our entire childhood together without seeing each other naked was unexplainable. Probably because we met around those puberty times, and neither of us were very comfortable with our bodies. For different reasons it seemed. But seeing her naked at Marnie's sure was weird... "I guess I see what you mean," I sighed, leaning back on my arms. "It's funny because I never had any issue with you seeing me in just a diaper," I smiled, trying to make her smile in the process. "Don't worry about me. I wanna kiss you bunches now, and you can grope my bubbly butt, okay?" "No way, I want to undress you!" I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance. "Like, okay. There are things about my body I don't like, but you find sexy. Right? It's the same thing." "It's really not," I said sourly. I pouted. She was right; it wasn't the same thing. Ugh, this wasn't fair! "We can build up to it?" I suggested. "Desensitization or whatever, right? What if you kept your panties on? It's not like we're having sex." "I'm wearing really cute panties..." I conceded, and scrunched up my nose in thought, before finally nodding my head. Fine. Okay. What was the worst that could happen? And my panties were peach colored french-cut boy-shorts, covered in frilly lace; maybe she'd just be so awestruck by them that she wouldn't freak out. No more blouse, no more dress! Just Ellie in her underwear and me in my bra and pants. And, yeah, she didn't look like a girl in a magazine. There was definitely a bit more to the front of her panties than one might expect. But so what? She was still Ellie, and that's all that mattered to me. So I kissed her again and ran my hands along her bare back. No freak out? No freak out. Alright, this was good! This was fine, this was a start. I mean, I was worried about the logistics of her getting me too aroused, but that was a problem for five-minutes-from-now. Kissing. Rolling. Me on her. More kissing. Touching. Squeezing her bra, like it was a bare breast. I felt hot. Really hot. I kissed down her neck, down her chest, down her stomach. It was like a proximity alert going off in my head: danger, danger, danger. My thighs felt warm, her kisses felt warm, of course my body was going to respond in the way that it was biologically predisposed. How did other transgirls deal with this?! I ran fingers through her hair and squeezed tightly. She tugged on my hair and I sat up with an ounce of irritation, looking sharply at her. Then she fumbled for the blanket on my bed and pulled it between us. The gameshow music played in my head for five whole seconds until it clicked. Oh. Oh! My cheeks went crimson. "R-right... sorry..." "It's okay, I um... I just didn't... you know, the logistics of um... yeah." I was as red as a tomato. Redder, maybe. "Sorry, I didn't mean to um... ruin the mood." Jeeze, this trans thing was harder than I thought. I climbed off Ellie and sat beside her, crossing my legs. "Let's just be honest and open here, alright? It's a little weird. Like, I have never been with a girl, but I've imagined it enough times. And this part is different. But also a lot of things about my fantasies are different. For one, you're my best friend; not that actress in that super hero movie I like." Was I making things better or worse? Let's be honest and open here? My first instinct was always to be the martyr, to be the taciturn, to take the blame and shoulder the responsibility. But I liked Kylie a lot. I probably loved her. And she asked for honesty, and if I couldn't trust her with my honesty, we wouldn't get very far. Deep breath. Sigh. "You really got uncomfortable when you saw me naked. When Marnie put me in a diaper, remember? Like the whole me being a girl was an illusion - which, admittedly, in that context it was - that was broken the moment you saw between my legs. And that was okay, but I'm not an illusion anymore, and I'm worried about that happening." I nodded. Okay, valid fear. "Listen, I'm... I'm not that smart, okay? I thought because my dad left me, everyone would. And I thought because one boy didn't love me, no one could. And I thought guys had penises and girls had vaginas and adults couldn't wear diapers or dress in baby clothes. So I'm a really shitty baseline." But I was her baseline, wasn't I? I was the one she needed to convince. I took a deep breath and nodded my head. "I grew up my whole life thinking one thing, and that's the thing that pops in my head first. But just because it comes first doesn't mean that's what I believe. I know better, okay? You aren't an illusion." I took a deep breath, and nodded my head. I didn't mean for my eyes to be glassy and misty, but it was hard not to get overwhelmed. "Maybe we could... sit on the sofa, watch some TV... I could stay in just my panties and bra, um... no blanket? And maybe... like you said, um...build up to it?" She was trying. It was so sweet, and I didn't wanna ruin this. I just... I needed a few minutes. To normalize. "And we could maybe kiss some more?" "Sure, I guess." TV was so not what I wanted to do right now! Ugh. But this was about her, right? Which got me thinking. "Hey... how do you feel about all this? Like, are you just worried about me? Because seriously - I'm fine." Even if it was weird to see her naked at first, that didn't change the facts: Ellie was a girl. "Right now, I worry about if I'm sneezing in a way that is quote-unquote girly. I worry about coughing, or... or walking, or sitting. Yeah I'm worried about how you're going to see me, about it changing, breaking all illusions, all that. But I'm also worried about...presenting? Or like. Mm. I'm worried about breaking my own illusion?" "Oh." Hm. That made sense. I tapped my cheek thoughtfully and tilted my head. So this wasn't so much about what I thought, and more about what she thought. It was new. I remembered when I first got into Littlespace with Marnie. I felt like I was making it up, or playing pretend. That it wasn't real. But I got over that. Maybe Ellie just needed to take things a little slower. Did that mean waiting to do sexy stuff? Ugh, this sucked. "Hey, this might be kind of stupid but..." Actually, I knew for a fact it was stupid! "You are self-conscious about me seeing you in panties, right? But you said you didn't have issues when I saw you in a diaper?" "That's true. Getting diapered in front of you freaked me out, but actually being in a diaper? That's fine. Diapers are cute anyway." I clearly wasn't following her train of thought though. "Why? What's the difference? I mean, it's just underwear." If anything, it was way more humiliating! How could she be fine in a diaper, but she hated being seen in her sexy-ass panties? "I don't know. I think it's like. It's unifying. You in a diaper, me in a diaper, there's no way to tell there's anything different between us. I like that." I nodded. I opened my mouth to say something, but the words hadn't quite formulated. So I closed my mouth. Unifying? Because of the padding, right? Because panties were thin and sort of shapely, but diapers were all puffy and stuff? So what was really the difference between a penis or a vagina? Probably nothing, at least not visually. "Uh, Ky?" "So you're saying..." I paused to tie together the stray thoughts, like the final ten pieces of a puzzle that are always easy to slot into place. "If you're in a diaper, we can keep doing sexy stuff?" I mean. I wasn't saying that, but I guess the logic could be followed in that direction. "I think so, probably, yeah. But won't that ruin it being like an innocent little thing for you?" "Hey, whatever makes you happy babygirl." I crawled off the bed and hurried over to my closet, a spring in my step. Sure, diapers weren't like... sexy. But Ellie would be comfortable, and that was sexy! I could kiss her and squeeze her and touch her and not have to worry about screwing up! And given my propensity for doing just that, I'd take all the precautions afforded to me. I sat on the edge of the bed, the blanket pulled over my lap, as I watched her with her giddy motions, her happy steps. In a diaper, she wouldn't even be able to tell I had a penis, right? So no risk. I liked that. I didn't know how we'd do anything much more than kissing, but this was fine! I hoped so, anyway. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Seventy-Seven The movie wasn't that great. Ellie thought it was, and she kept talking through it, telling me which actors did what and why they filmed the scenes a certain way. Usually her banter would annoy me, but today it was a welcome distraction. Movies always struggled to hold my attention, and I would have spent the two hours worrying about kissy stuff. At least when she was talking, I had to think about something else. "Romance movies are so trashy," I scoffed, pulling out of our parking space. I struggled with the traffic on the way to the only exit. "They act like love is this serendipitous shit that falls into place and suddenly everything is perfect. And that encourages kids to wait for the perfect moment instead of like... making their own moments." That was a little ironic, coming from me. "Well, that's true, but I don't see why the two are mutually exclusive, either. You make your own moments either way, and if you keep your eyes closed to them then you wind up as a boy in your twenties wearing panties and wondering why life isn’t more flavorful than the gum you had for lunch." She rolled her eyes at me, but that didn't stop me from continuing. "I think part of keeping your eyes open to possibilities is that you sometimes stumble on the seeds of potential that life puts down; like the moment is there waiting to be made, but you still have to make it." "But they don't make romance movies about that." I pulled onto the main street and headed south, toward our apartments. Ah, yes, our apartments... "We decided on my place?" I asked with a touch of nervousness in my voice. I wanted to do the kissy date stuff! I wasn't letting my anxiety run my goddamn life. "Let's start there, and if we want to go to my place instead we can." It's not like anything untoward was going to take place, either way. My apartment looked daunting, like it was Halloween night or something. I expected lightning to crackle through the night sky as we made our way from the car to the building. Ugh, why did this have to feel weird? I let Ellie inside and closed the door behind me. It sure didn't look that romantic. It just looked like... my place. Maybe we should have gone to a hotel. "I was worried there'd be like rose petals everywhere or something grandiose like that," I sighed, relieved. "Nope. It's Kylie's apartment, and it feels like home." After that romance flick with the flower petals and stuff, I was actually a little self conscious. If Ellie liked that movie, then did that mean she wanted me to do all that stuff too? But it seemed I was wrong. I smiled a bit. "Okay, I'm going to take you to my room," I said as confidently as I could. "I'm going to kiss you a lot. And my hands are probably going to just... do whatever they want. So tell me to stop if you want me to stop. Cool?" "Yes ma'am, I would like that very very much." Maybe I'd died. Like. A few weeks ago, I died, and this was my afterlife. The being a girl part was unexpected, but the rest was pretty good. I took Ellie by the hand and led her to my room. It wasn't clean, but it was tidy. Things were put away. Diapers were thrown out. It smelled faintly like vanilla, because I had a candle going that morning. Not bad. I sat down on the edge of my bed and pulled her down with me. Then I cradled her cheeks in my hands and kissed her lips. It was almost weird to be kissed by her outside of the context of being dressed like a little girl in a diaper. Almost. At the same time, it was about the most natural feeling thing I'd ever felt, like her lips belonged on mine, like her hands belonged on my cheeks. Like I belonged with her. I crawled back into my bed and took her with me. The two of us. Alone. In my bed. It wasn't the first time, but this was the first time we were making out. Making out... that phrase didn't even register in my head. Wasn't there something more grown up to call it? 'Making out' sounded like we were bandits or something, stealing each other away in the night. Actually, that was kind of sexy. I let my hands lift off her cheeks, trailing my fingers down her neck, and toward her hips. My heart raced and it was a little harder to breathe. But I wasn't having a panic attack. This felt a lot nicer. Everything I did felt a little bit clouded through the lens of 'how would a girl act?’, a low simmering worry but one that didn't seem at all in danger of boiling over. This was just... nice. Warm. I felt something, something out of left field; a feeling almost completely new to me. Desired. I bit my lip between kisses and smiled at her. "What?" I paused a moment to catch my breath. She was smiling. "Am I tickling you?" I quickly moved my hand off her hip. Caution wasn't something I was very good at, and neither was sex. So this was uncharted waters. "Not at all," I put my hand on hers and I guided it back to my hip. For a moment, that worry about her recoiling sparked a memory - the night we were getting changed by Marnie together, when she saw me below the belt and recoiled - but as quick as it came, it faded. "You're doing amazing." "Kay." I leaned in and kissed her again. My palm slid along her dress, down her hip, to her thigh. I felt the hem, her bare skin, and moved my hand away. I was doing more thinking than feeling. Was that how everyone's first dates went? I could feel my breath hitch just a little bit, and I closed my eyes for a moment, only to open them when she moved her hand away. I grinned playfully, cheekily, and took her hand and put it back exactly where it had been. "Get out of your head, there's a cute girl in your bed." "Yeah. I know, I know." I took a deep breath - or as deep as I was capable of at the time - and forced a smile. Out of my head. Kiss. Kiss. Feel. Let her take me somewhere new. Somewhere nice. With a soft exhale and her lips on my lips, I sunk into my sheets a little bit and started to relax. I got a little bolder. I didn't know why. Maybe I wanted to lead by example, to show her things were okay. To have her feel desired. As she leaned her neck around to kiss mine, I used her momentum to slide myself out from under her, and around until I was straddling her lap. And then it was me who kissed her neck. Oh. Okay. I mean. Oh... I felt a heat on my cheeks and a small gasp escape my lips. Her kisses trailed down to my collar bone, where my button-up got in the way. My hands rested squarely on her hips and I struggled to catch my breath. I didn't know squat about what I was doing, but it felt nice and she seemed to be enjoying herself too. What else really mattered? One of my kisses caught her by surprise, maybe in a spot that was ticklish, and she fell back, propping herself up with her arms behind her. I liked this. I kept kissing. Another kiss on my neck. Another under my ear. Another on my lips. My elbow slipped and I fell backwards onto the bed, laying firmly on my back. I looked up at her with red cheeks. Fuck, she was sexy... My knees touched the bedspread as I adjusted my balance, my dress falling gently over her tummy as I gazed down upon her. This beautiful girl that I'd pined after for so long. "I think I'm gonna kiss you more." "If you insist." I stuck out my tongue, but Ellie was quick to shut me up. Her lips rained down on me like a summer storm and I sunk further and further into the sheets like they were beds of flowers. My fingers slid along her hips, to her thighs, to the hem of her dress. I pulled it up, running my palms along her bare skin. She was so soft. So cute. So... mine. I could safely say that that was my first time having someone put their hands up my dress while I pinned them softly to the bed in a torrent of kisses. I hoped it wasn't going to be my last time, either. I felt like I had goosebumps all over - like my skin was crackling with static electricity - and as her hand slid further up my thigh I gasped and almost lost purchase atop of her. I felt her shiver on top of me and I used the moment to my advantage. I leaned up on my elbow and pressed my lips to hers. My free hand reached around, beneath her dress, and cupped her ass. Her panties were soft. I wondered what they looked like. I wondered if I could undress her. I wanted to... Well, I didn't expect that! I mean, I did - deep down I was sure that I did - but I squeaked and blushed all the same. I knew I had a nice ass; I spent a LOT of time over the years examining my profile in tight pants in the mirror. "Ohh, sorry, mmm... this bed has a strict policy; if you squeeze it, you own it, so you gotta keep it." "Deal." I laughed and kissed her again, pulling her close to me so our chests touched. Her knees sat on either side of my hips and it felt so warm. Warm, but in a good way. Warm like a fireplace on a winter's night. I kissed her neck and squeezed her ass again. I ran one hand from her cheek, down her neck, down over her shoulder to her hip, and I let those fingers trail up her button up top, tracing over each button. She undid the top button. Then the one below it. Okay, so clothes were coming off! Good, because I wanted this girl out of her dress so fucking bad. I smiled excitedly as she undressed me, as the shirt slipped off my shoulders, revealing the first bra I bought from Caroline's store. I was wearing the matching panties too! It's amazing how confident clothes can make a person. Maybe Ellie was right the whole time. "Now there is a well-dressed girl," I admired, smiling in recognition. I'd gotten her into this underwear; now I was going to be the one blessed with getting her out of them. "You are breathtaking." I rolled my eyes and reached under Ellie's dress, grabbing at the hem. With a swift motion, I pulled it up over her head, but it wouldn't come off. Ellie fumbled a bit and pushed it back down. I blinked in confusion. "Sorry..." Why was I sorry? Did I do something wrong? Jeeze, she looked uncomfortable... "No no, no no, don't be sorry, don't worry, you're fine, it's fine." Wow. I did not expect to be so resistant to that. I did not anticipate feeling so uncomfortable with her seeing me undressed. Why? I had on the cutest panties that I owned! Because I had a penis? Jesus, I didn't care about that. So why? I took her hand and put it on the front of my chest, over the dress, smiling in faux confidence. "You know, I called the doctor tonight, remember? I'm gonna have boobs for you to touch and admire soon~" I was blushing. Or was I flustered? I nodded, pressing my hands against her top. The bra gave her a bit of padding and it definitely felt like boobs. But there was something else. She seemed off, and I could feel it. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Seventy-Six Food necessitated some quiet time. We said a few cute things between bites, and then we talked about how fast a boat would have to go to pull an elephant on normal water skis. And finally, I paid the tab and led Ellie back out to the car. This time I opened her door for her! When I sat down in the passenger seat and looked up at her, all I could feel in that moment was... struck. The stars in the sky behind her head, the way she looked at me with admiration, adoration, and a little bit of hunger, and the serenity of the moment. "You're beautiful, Kylie." Her cheeks blushed and she rolled her eyes, closing the passenger door. Jeeze, she had to stop saying that! I climbed into the driver's side and turned on the car, checking my car clock as I did. Half an hour until the movie, and it was only ten minutes away. Record time. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed south down the street. "One more stop. Then we can head back to my place. Or yours? Hm, I didn't think that part through..." "Either is fine! Noland is out for the night with Jen, so we can go to my place or to your place." Wow. We were on a date. We actually had to decide on that kinda stuff, and the context, and what it all implied. How exciting! "Well, I dunno. Whatever makes you more comfortable, I guess? That's probably your place..." My place. Her place. This felt like sex talk! I didn't even know how to have sex with a girl. It probably wasn't 'lay on your back and let someone else do whatever they wanted'. That was really all I was good at. Goddammit... "Well, how about we stop at your place, see if it feels comfortable, and if you wanna go to my place instead we can go to my place?" Every word she said made it sounds like this was a pained topic of conversation, whereas my tones were carefree and happy, breezy easy. Maybe I just needed to decide for us? "Yeah, that's probably fine..." I wondered if I cleaned my room. Yeah, but my bed wasn't made. I was in Ellie's room like an hour ago and her bed wasn't made either. Who even made their beds these days? I pulled into the drive-in parking lot and paid through the window at a ticket booth. Drive-ins were such a cliché date spot, and it didn't even occur to me why that might be. Privacy. Quiet. Darkness. I pulled into a lot in the center and put the car in park. My stomach was in knots. I kissed her. I was tired of waiting, tired of thinking about when and how it had to be perfect and how we were supposed to do things. I put one hand on her cheek, and I put my lips to her lips, and I just let that kiss take the path it wanted to take. The kiss was nice. Gentle. Soft. Like the one we shared in my bed at Marnie's place. I loved it. But at the second kiss, I wondered where I should put my hands. Then I wondered what she wanted. Did she even want me to touch her? Did I want her to touch me? Was this public? We were in a car, sure, but the sun was only just setting and anyone could walk by. We were two girls - was that something? Would some homophobe knock on the glass and shout at us? What about the movie? Were we supposed to watch it or kiss all the way through it? Romance movies didn't prepare me for this. And when we got back to my place, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to show her that I liked her without putting out? Or was that the norm? Was that what I was supposed to do? Ellie paused and rubbed her thumb across my cheek. It felt wet. Was I crying? No, I wasn't crying on our first fucking date! Fuck me. I shook my head side to side and tried to kiss her again, but Ellie stopped me. "You're thinking too much. Your anxiety is really high, and you're trying to think of a way to take control of the situation." My words were soft, gentle, level and calm. I wasn't asking her questions, I was describing what I saw. "Put one hand on my hip. Put the other wherever you want, play with my hair, touch my cheek, fondle my chest, anything you like. I promise, you can't do this wrong, which means every answer is right. Okay? Do you need a moment?" I nodded my head. I needed a moment. I need like, a year. Or a decade or something. I sat back in my chair and felt sick to my stomach. Not like butterflies. Like snakes, slithering inside me. I thought I was going to throw up. My head was ringing and my heart was pounding and my chest was aching. I closed my eyes tight. I needed this to stop. I needed Marnie. But I couldn't bring Marnie on all my dates. I needed to... to stop it. To figure it out myself. How did she do this...? "How can I help?" Admittedly, putting it on her to give me an answer was probably not helpful, but it was my go-to. So I tried another tactic. "Hey, do you think that pink fairy floss and blue fairy floss taste different? There's a guy over by the concessions doing fresh spun cotton candy, but I always wondered if they actually taste different. I feel like they should taste different... do you want to come for a walk and we'll find out?" I shook my head. A walk. Cotton candy. Ellie's stupid fucking word for it. She was so silly. But leaving this car, going out into the world... I would die. I'd burst into flames or I'd have a heart attack or I'd get hit by a meteor just to spite me. Just to fuck up this date even more. Fuck, why was I so scared? Why couldn't I stop? "Mm, maybe you're right, they probably taste the same anyway. Or maybe they just taste the same to grown-ups. Maybe when you become an adult all food just tastes boring. I think maybe because you're an official Little Princess though, maybe... maybe, you'd have a taste for that kinda thing. It seems to be your expertise, you know? Fairies, fairy floss, princess kingdoms, that kinda thing..." I didn't know if the distraction was helping. I felt a touch of heat on my cheeks. Was she teasing me? Seriously? Right now? But her stupid idea seemed to grab a hold of my mind somewhere. Did they taste different? Would Littlespace affect that? Of course not. Right? I shook my head and opened my eyes, looking over at her with a mixture of exhaustion and annoyance. I was breathing all too heavy. "You're a ditz." "I mean, I'm the baby sister, it's your job to think I'm a ditz, and it's my job to look up to you. And I think for the sake of science in our kingdom, it's up to us to taste test pink and blue. And yellow, or orange, or green, or any other flavors they have. If we don't, who will?" "I don't think they make green cotton candy," I managed between labored breaths, closing my eyes again. I'd seen pink and blue. For some reason, I could imagine yellow. Maybe I was thinking of ice cream. "I mean, why not? And if it does taste different, is it lime, or green apple? You know in some countries, green and purple skittles are different flavors, too?" Prim had told me that one, but mentioning another girl right now seemed silly. "So maybe fairy floss is like that too, who knows?" I reached my hand out to hold hers while I was talking, wondering if maybe the touch would be helpful. "No way..." What would be the point of that? That's just more money they have to funnel into production. Or maybe Skittles aren't as expensive to produce as I thought. Ellie grabbed my hand and I held it tight in mine. The sickness was starting to ebb away, but I was still struggling to breathe. I just wanted it all to go away now. "Yeah way, they're blackcurrant for the purple ones in some countries, but that sounds made up to me. The fruit, I mean, not the fact. But I guess if the fruit is made up, so's the fact? And oh my days, they are so cute." I lifted my hand up, still holding hers, and gestured to the two high-school age girls who walked past the front of our car, hand locked in hand, leaning into each other and laughing. They could do it right. They could date and be in cute gay relationships. They didn't have to wait until their young-adulthood when a stranger put them in diapers and made them confront their childhood traumas. I was jealous. I was irritated. I was angry. I was scared. But Ellie's lips touched my hand and pulled me over so my head fell on her shoulder. With her, it didn't feel so bad. "I feel broken," I muttered, trying not to sound so fucking pathetic. Can't I just do one thing right? Can't that one thing be this date? "You're not broken; you're lost. And I'm going to be the lighthouse to guide you back, because I care a whole bunch of lots about you, Kylie. You mean the literal world to me." Broken. Lost. It felt the same, didn't it? But I felt something else too: Ellie's fingers in my hair. She played softly with the loose curls and made soft sounds. Cooing, like you do when someone is crying. I wasn't even crying, but I found them comforting. If I had to be broken, I was glad all my pieces were in one place. I was glad that place was in Ellie's arms. ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!

Chapter Seventy-Five I wasn't 100% sure about a date being based around food, but that was the tradition. I'd been doing a lot better about eating recently too, so I kept an open mind. We were overdressed for a diner, and that was okay - I didn't mind people’s eyes on me, because I was dating the prettiest girl in the room. I wanted a particular table, the one by the window. This diner was the only one open all night, and Ellie and I had come here dozens of times after concerts or parties. We always sat in the same spot, since the place was dead. The evening crowd was a bit more packed, and unsurprisingly diners don't take reservations. Thankfully, luck was on our side. "Come on, over there." Our booth was one of the last ones free; the waitress was still wiping it down. If Ellie would have done her hair right the first time, we would probably be sitting in the center of the room at one of those awkward tables that were always in the way. "I'm so worried about spilling things on this dress, you know. That's such a weird thing to be afraid of because I don't think I've ever spilled food on any article of clothing before." Not accidentally at least. Now that we were sitting, I was beginning to feel a bit more self-conscious. Nervous, even. "I'll ask for a sippy cup for you?" I smirked. Though Ellie's nerves seem to start up, mine were starting to calm down. Sitting here, in our booth... it felt homey. It felt familiar. I could do that. "Oh, could you? That would be great, maybe a bib, too, one that says 'I'm With Princess' on it?" The humor diffused my anxiety a little bit, but only made me more conscious of my voice. C'mon Ellie, hold it together. Woman up! The waitress came over and I ordered for the both of us. Rather, I ordered for me, knowing full well that Ellie wouldn't eat anything of her own. But if I got some appetizers, she would pick at them. French fries and fried pickles. Neither were very good for you, but they were easy to get lost in the process of eating. "We should have waited until Homecoming or something to have this date," I sulked, looking at the other people in the diner. "Then it wouldn't be weird that we're all dressed up." Or I should have picked a better date spot. "I like being the only ones dressed up - this is my element, remember? I'm the one who owns a vest worth more than your car, remember? This is fine, this is great, you picked a great spot, and have I mentioned how literally beautiful you are?" I rolled my eyes, but a blush came to my cheeks all the same. Just a bit. Ellie used to compliment me all the time, but I never thought twice about it. Now, it had so much more power. I bit my lip and twirled the straw in my water cup. "You know, that time Marnie dressed you up? Not the nightgown, but like... when I was at my Mom's place? And she sent me that picture?" "Uh huh, I remember that," I tilted my head to one side and pulled out the ketchup and mustard bottles, putting them into what I seemed to be the correct orientation and facing, before sliding them back in. "I got that text when... hm, I think my Mom and my Aunt were fighting over something. I think about dinner. And I was sitting on the sofa trying to think of anything else. And Marnie sends me this message, right? And I knew to expect some pics because she told me she was going to send them. But I got it and it was like..." I paused, but not for dramatic effect. I couldn't find the words. "I couldn't stop staring at that picture. For hours, I'd just casually pick up my phone to look at it again. And I didn't know why, but I was so... in love with it." "You were in love with a picture of me?" I had a happy little smile on my face, not mocking, not teasing, not making light of her confession - genuinely happy. "What made you so smitten, Smylie?" "Do not call me that." I pointed the straw at her and almost flicked water on her dress. "I can come up with way worse ones for you." Ellie put up her hands in surrender and I put the straw back in my drink. What was she saying? "I don't know. I just couldn't stop looking at it. Like, you're you. And then I see this totally different thing, but it's still the same thing. And I feel sort of stupid for not seeing it before? Like that picture of a duck or a rabbit or something?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Anyway, I stared at it so long that I forgot to reply to you. So I lied and said I got in trouble for texting at dinner." "I think it's so cute that you lied about it." Which was probably a weird thing to find cute. "It's like um... Rubin's Vase. You either see the faces, or you see the Vase, and when someone points out the other to you, you're there like 'what...' right? Yeah, listen, I felt the same way when I saw myself." Well, correction. "I mean, after that first time when I had a panic attack and sobbed in Marnie’s arms like a baby." "I didn't know that happened," I said with a touch of surprise. "That night when I was in Palm Hill?" She nodded. "Huh. I wish I was there to help." But at that point, I probably would have made it worse. I would have made it about me. I bit my lip and twirled my straw some more. "Hey, do you think I'm selfish...?" "Not for a second. I think that being in control of a situation makes it feel safer to you though, and you sometimes convince yourself that needing things a certain way for your mental health makes you selfish. Which is silly, but we don't choose our own mental responses to things, we just work with what we got." It was a surprisingly astute answer from a taciturn like me. "Yeah, maybe." I leaned forward on the table just as our plates arrived. A cheeseburger for me, and a side of fries. Fried pickles for the table. I pushed my french fries to the center alongside them. "Acting like I care seems so... risky. Like someone knows what matters, and then they can use it against you, you know? I sort of assume the people that matter know that I care. But sometimes I have to show it too, maybe just to remind them..." Too much introspection. I took a bite of my burger to give credence to the silence. "You've been doing a lot better since you met Marnie. Or at least in the time I've known about Marnie, I guess? I think you worked really hard on letting me in, and I'm real proud of you for that. I like being let in. Makes me feel like I'm part of an exclusive club." I took a bite of one single french fry, thoughtfully. "Well, I'm glad you're here with me," I said with a smile. "You'll always be my first choice." ---------------------- Thank you for reading! Like, Comment, and check us out on Patreon!