The only thing I can think of is it might be a sensory thing. Maybe something about the diapers does something good to your senses to ease your anxiety. You may also have some kind of suppressed issue/trauma that happened when you were in diapers, or just getting out of them, or something. You don't need a label to wear diapers, but I do think that talking to a therapist might help. It may be embarrassing, but if you're as distressed as you say, you need to take a step. No one here is qualified to give you professional advice. I hope you'll get the help & support you need. And remember: wearing diapers isn't a bad thing. If you're ruining your continence or harming yourself by using diapers, I'd suggest not USING the diapers - just wearing them, & using the toilet for your actual voiding. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.