Funny Sex Jokes (rated R/x)

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

I thought I'd just be stupid and funny and share some of these sex jokes that I find to be very funny. They are as follows:

What does a rubix cube and a penis have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What is the speed limit of sex?

The speed limit is 68 because at 69, you have to turn around.

What is the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Anne with a Pillsberry Dough Boy?

A redheaded woman with a yeast infection.

How can you tell an auto mechanic has just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

Why does a penis have a hole at the end?

So men can be open minded.

If you guys have some funny ones, I'd love to hear them.

[full nappy]

a woman slips naked in the bathroom, does the splits & ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny. her husband tries but cant budge her so he calls his mate who says "i'll go get a hammer, we can break the tiles and lift her" the husband says ok i'll lick her ear and play with her tits whilst your gone" why? says his mate. the husband says "if i can get her wet maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are f**king cheaper!

woman in asda supermarket sees a young cute assistant. he has such a cute arse it makes her randy! she asks him to carry her shopping to the car. on the way she cant hold back any more and says " i've got an itchy pussy" the lad says " you will have to point it out love, all these f**king japanese cars look the same to me"!

a blind man hires a prostitute but as he is blind he gets the poxiest old boot on the street. they go upstairs and he rubs her spotty arse. "dont worry " she says " its only acne" " thank f**K for that" he says, " i thought it was the price list"

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

[PampersPete]

With the exception of guitar_a_goo_goo_ga,I don't think you guys realize what an R or X rated joke is. Next time,you guys might want to NOT CENSOR yourselves. You just look retarded.

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

"as long as the bitch is making dinner life is good."

i know a couple sex jokes.....i know way more sexist jokes. (racial and creed....well just plain offensive jokes)

the sex jokes i know require a lot of typing and through a modest google search i cant seem to find them.

[PampersPete]

I'll give you an example:

Sarah and Susie are at Susie's house. They decide to go to the movies. Susie goes up to her dad and says"Me and Sarah want to go to the movies. Can I have the car keys?". Her dad scratches his chin and in an unsure voice says"I don't know. You know what you have to do". Susie pauses and says"But dad,Sarah's here". Her dad scratches his chin and in an unsure voice says"I don't know. You know what you have to do". Susie gets a panicked look on her face and says"But dad! Sarah's here!". Her dad scratches his chin and says" I don't know. You know what you have to do". Susie says"Allright!" and gets down on her hands and knees,unzips her father's fly and starts suckin' her dad's dick. All of a sudden she looks up and says"DAD! Your dick tastes like shit!". Dad smiles and says"I know. Your brother is borrowing the truck". Now that's one sick fuckin' joke!

[guitar_a_goo_goo_ga]

I'll give you an example:

Sarah and Susie are at Susie's house. They decide to go to the movies. Susie goes up to her dad and says"Me and Sarah want to go to the movies. Can I have the car keys?". Her dad scratches his chin and in an unsure voice says"I don't know. You know what you have to do". Susie pauses and says"But dad,Sarah's here". Her dad scratches his chin and in an unsure voice says"I don't know. You know what you have to do". Susie gets a panicked look on her face and says"But dad! Sarah's here!". Her dad scratches his chin and says" I don't know. You know what you have to do". Susie says"Allright!" and gets down on her hands and knees,unzips her father's fly and starts suckin' her dad's dick. All of a sudden she looks up and says"DAD! Your dick tastes like shit!". Dad smiles and says"I know. Your brother is borrowing the truck". Now that's one sick fuckin' joke!

old but funny

a little boy goes up to his dad and asks for $5 so he can get a guinea pig. the dad gives the boy $20 and tell him to find a nice irish girl instead.

older but still funny

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

Damn this shit is good! Keep it coming! It's so fucking funny. i practically lost my breath laughing!

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

Here are some more:

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill dough.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What did the nut say to the bolt?

A: Screw me.

Two men named Cecil and Scott live together. One very hot day, Cecil walked into the kitchen and found Scott with his butt up to the refrigerator.

Cecil said, "Scott, what the heck is your butt doing in the refrigerator?"

Scott said: "Because I wanted you to have something cool to slip into."

Q: Why is Wednesday the best night of the week to hit the bars?

A: Because it's "hump day."

Q: How do you make a hormone?

A: Easy -- don't pay her.

Q: What is the height of noise?

A: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.

''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''

''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

BINGO!

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Man who stuffs his own sausage, pounds his own meat.

An expert fisherman is a ''master-baiter.'''

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

Q: Who made the first soft drink?

A: Adam -- he made Eve's cherry pop

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.

Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."

Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the teacher asked why.

Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.

Hope you like them.

[full nappy]

two welshmen are taking a short cut through a field when they spot a sheep with its head stuck through the fence. tom says to dave "look at that! its too good to miss an opportunity like that" he rushes over to the sheep, pulls his trousers and pants down and rams his dick in the sheep. he thrusts happily for some time and eventually climaxes. " wow, that was fantastic" he says to dave. "do you fancy a go?" " i do" says dave and rushes over to the fence and pulls his trousers and pants down and sticks his head through the fence

3 elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. the 70 yr old man says" i have this problem. i wake up every morning at 7 a.m and it takes me 20 mins to piss". the 80 yr old man says " my case is worse. i get up at 8 a.m and i sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before i finally have a crap" the 90 yr old says " at 7 i piss like a horse, at 8 i shit like a cow" " so whats your problem ?" ask the other two. " well you see", says the 90 yr old, " i dont wake up till 9

[ArtemisEnterri]

How about this old one:

Little Johnny was in first grade and it was "Show and Tell" day.

When it was Johnny's turn, he walked up to the board with empty hands, picked up a piece of chalk, and made a dot on the board.

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what's that?"

Johnny answered, "A period."

The teacher asked, "What's so special about it?"

Johnny replied, "I dunno, but when my sister said she missed one, my dad had a heart attack, my mom fainted, and the neighbor shot hisself."