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There & Back Again ( chapter 3 added) 11/12/2024


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Author's Note:
This story is generally inspired by Altered States and You Know What They Do To Girls Like Us in Brighter Days by Chels in Ribbons. While there are notable differences, I used much of it as inspiration, and credit can never hurt. Initially, this was called Growing Pains, but after outlining a new structure, I found that enough had changed to merit a new direction, making it easier than clumsily editing the existing work.
There & Back Again
Part 1. Growing Pains
Prologue, vignettes of a changing world. 

The leader of the JNP party(Jefferson National Party), Thomas Hillbrook, took the stage to a cheering crowd.  Thomas for his part did look presidential, with light brown slightly greying hair, and a warm infectious smile “Thank you, thank you! Despite everything, despite them trying to steal this election, you fought like hell. You voted for it, and we’re here!” he looked over the adoring crowd, his inauguration would surely be bigger but the throngs of people cheering for him was still the larger then he could’ve ever hoped for “We did the impossible; we took a third party to the White House. You took me to the White House, and I promise you there will be changes around here. Results are still coming in, but it seems we took a lot of the House too!” Cheers erupted from the crowd. “I promise you that under my administration, we will return to better times. We will purge Marxism and postmodernism.”
Madison Hawkins shut off the TV in disgust. It was a disgustingly gorgeous day in November. For the rest of the month, and most of October it had been rainier than she had ever seen it and t However, a warm patch had come in a few days ago, bringing temperatures in the 50s with clear skies. The beautiful weather felt like a mockery to her; her country had just elected a man who didn’t believe she should be able to vote until she was 30. The sky was blue, and the birds that hadn’t flown south for the winter were out in full force. At least she was in New York, where she felt relatively safe.
1 year before.
“Whoa, you got a haircut?” Madison said, sitting up from the couch, genuinely surprised.
. In the nearly 3 years she’d known him, Lucas Rowland had never had his hair less than shoulder length. Now he sported his auburn hair in a short, utilitarian cut. Tall and Lean he had gotten Lasik a few months ago, The Nerd look he had carefully cultivated for many years was slipping away,  Lucas frowned, looking slightly put out. “The guys and I were talking... I think it’s time to take things more seriously.” He gestured at his head. “And, well, that kind of hair doesn’t exactly say that, does it?
“The guys?” Madison raised an eyebrow. “Since when are your lab coworkers ‘the guys’? Isn’t the lab mostly women anyway?”
At this, Lucas looked truly uncomfortable for the first time. “  “Was. Mostly women, I mean. We had to move. Or let go of most of the women. Our lab can only operate with some federal grants, and a lot of the women were just out of grad school, so they weren’t 28 yet.”
Madison stared at him. “Wait, what? You had to let them go? I thought that I only applied to management positions. Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
“Because... What was I supposed to say? They changed it to cover ‘advanced’ positions as well, and as fuzzy as that language is, it definitely covers researchers. Look, Madison, I don’t like it either, but my lab doesn’t exactly draw in millions from private equity or whatever. It was either move the female employees under 28 into other positions or shut down.”
“Wait, you’re saying they’re doing secretarial work? Like what, getting coffee for you, Like it’s the 1950s?” She groaned, the sick feeling in her stomach deepening. “This is unreal, Lucas. How can you even...” She trailed off, unable to find the right words.
“Well, a lot of them are planning to move overseas. And he said quickly, I wrote glowing letters of recommendation for all of them, even the ones who were not great at their jobs. I think a lot of foreign universities are receptive to what’s happening here and are hiring them. But the ones who stayed... yeah, they’re doing secretarial work that they’re very overqualified for.” He sighed, sitting down on the couch.
Madison looked at him in disbelief, her jaw clenched. “And what, you're just okay with that? With all of this?”
“No of course not, if our research, doesn’t get funded 25 people including those highly overqualified  women doing demeaning work will be without a job, and that doesn’t help anyone”
“for people to just accept it this is exactly what they want, Lucas, to ‘go along’ so they don’t lose funding or their jobs. And now... look at you, god I barely recognize you, you used to have fire, you slept in trees so they wouldn’t get cut down, what changed?” she nearly begged him, he had so much conviction back when they first met, and that’s what made her fall in love with him, but now he was bowed, defeated.
I’m sorry Maddison I can’t get rid of 25 people's jobs, I just can’t” his arms crossed defensively.
“Fuck” she said standing pacing back and forth “I know your right,” Madison said.
1 1/2 Years Before
“3 2... 1... and we’re live! Welcome to the John Flint Show! We have a very special episode for you this week. Not that all my guests aren’t wonderful, but this week we’re joined by someone very special: the President of the United States, Thomas Hillbrook. Hello, sir, it’s an honour.”
“No, no, the pleasure is all mine.” John gestured around the hotel room they were in. “We’re not in the studio today because of scheduling conflicts, but I tested the audio, and it should be fine.” The two men sat in a large, spacious hotel room’s living area, both wearing tight suit jackets, button-ups, and jeans.
“With your recent ban on women under the age of 28 from working full-time and holding ‘advanced’ jobs, what’s your next step?”
” Well you know John the next few steps are cultural if girlfriend or wife are out of line, it's really simple you wouldn't let your teenage daughter flip you off at the dinner table, and you shouldn't let your wife do the same if she's going to act like a child. You gotta treat her like one if you're a bad girl. You’re getting a vigorous spanking right now. And no, it’s not going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” 
“ah… well uh” John spoke clearly taken aback but the monologue, “ what about on the policy side of things” It was hard to make John blush, he had done NASCAR commentary for years before starting his podcast, and people saying stuff off color was basically the job. And yet even John was taken aback by the man's remarks.
 I’ve been talking about raising the age of majority to 28 as well with my advisors, marriage used to be about handing off the wife from, the father to the husband, I think having, more years where they can just focus, on being either girls or trying to get, married would only be beneficial” -the podcast meandered on that course until rapping up in the following days, John released a statement on his Instagram, stating that the views expressed were not reflective of the show, but then on the very next episode claimed that Hillbrook was simply using “poetic language”
 1 years before
“God damn it! Fuck, I can’t even apply till I’m 28. They want my real ID for the application.” In less than a year, she had lost everything. Her bank account was in her parent's name, and if she ever actually got married to Lucas, it’d be in his. She wanted to scream. Hell, if the government found out she was living with Lucas, he’d be sent to jail and she'd be sent to an etiquette school, of course, the alternative wasn’t much better marriage class they’d have to take had away from shifting people not nearly as much as the etiquette schools but enough —she was 26. All legal barriers were gone by then; the measure raising the age of majority to 28 had passed within less than a week, and within days, job application sites took you to a verification site where you had to post your ID. Her logins for her doctor and banks had changed; she was basically property for the next two years.
“Fuck,” she said again. Lucas was sitting on the couch.
“Don’t swear,” he said, with the resolute look of someone who knew there was going to be a fight, but there was no helping it. “Maddy, you need to break that habit so you don’t do it out in public.”
Madison whirled around. “Fuck them! I don’t care.”
“Maddy, you know if someone reports you, you could get sent to one of those etiquette schools, and no one wants that. You always make me the goddamn bad guy. I’m trying to keep us safe. As soon as you turn 28, you can leave the country again, and we’re out of here, but until then…” He said, shifting back and looking uncomfortable. “When in Rome.”
She stared at him. “When in Rome? What, you want me to be a submissive little girl you can take care of? Is that what you want? Turn on the TV. Look at the commercials. They’re making all the little stuff bigger. Why do you think that is? Do you think that’s a natural rise in popularity? The skirts, the pajamas— the socks, the panties they’re infantilizing us. I heard in Alabama you have to have an ID to buy a goddamn pantsuit. First the spankings, now the clothes—who knows what’s next? You want to ‘when in Rome’ that?” 
 She said forcefully.
Hours Later.
Madison was curled up in a chair, making her way through A Crown of Swords. At any other point in her life, she would have skipped that particular book, but not having a job left her with time to kill, she guessed.
Her genuinely hoped-for well-meaning boyfriend approached her.
“Look, I’m sorry. I want to drop it, but this is a legitimate concern. I’ve heard horror stories about etiquette schools. Those people came back... changed. I don’t want to lose you, Maddy. Let’s just do this: a swear jar. If in the next six months, you don’t fill it up, I’ll pay you what it would have taken to fill it up, plus a punishment. And if you fill it up, I get the money and get to punish you. It’s almost like fantasy football.” she sighed "Fine deal"
1/2 a year before.
Lucas, sat up in bed, his smartwatch buzzing to wake him. Sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing sleep from his eyes he stared at his girlfriend, he had accidentally pulled down the sheets when he had gotten out of bed, and he was met by the sight of her sleeping body so peaceful, she was wound up so much these days, it was nice seeing her relaxed even if it was only in sleep. She was wearing a black lacy bra, and girlish panties with stars on them, the only ones she could buy now, Lucas felt a guilty pang, he found the panties far more appealing than the bra, but that conversion could never happen it couldn’t have happened before and certainly not now. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards the bathroom. A few years ago, the walls were filled with pictures of them and their friends hiking, whitewater rafting, and going to Ren fairs. Stupid stuff, really, but they’d been happy.  Now all evidence that Madison lived here was in a box they’d shipped to one of his former colleagues in Spain.  
After the shower he started to get dressed, a few years ago he would've had to google how to Tie a tie now his hands did it automatically. He was no longer the lead researcher quietly that had been taken from him, he hadn’t been outspoken politically for years but it still cast a long shadow.  He headed to the kitchen where Madison was up making coffee for him, “you don't have to do that you know” he said, she had recently started doing more than her fair share of the chores, without ever acknowledging it. “I know,” she said quietly, pulling the coffee filter off of the Chemex. She sighed, “ I need to be useful in some way and if that means, making your coffee well… I guess this is the way I can do it. Anyway I’m not sure if they even want a housewife anymore,” she said laughing bitterly, “They want a woman to be submissive and infantilized, I have a lot of time to watch Tv while you're at work, I’ve heard what the party line is, it’s changing, before losing my rights was like an incentive to get married, now they’re even IDing married woman for the “mature” clothes it’s weird psychosexual bullshit”.
 Lucas again felt a twinge, that psychosexual bullshit was something he was all too familiar with, trying to keep his face composed, “If you want to help around the house more that’s fine, I just don’t want you to lose yourself, I feel like this is how it starts. Also, you just swore”
Madison rolled her eyes “Really Lucas, fine” Madison wasn’t making her own money but her parents and Lucas gave her allowance, and from that was the money taken, she pulled out her wallet from the shelf, and dug out a one and walked over to the corner where “the swear jar” was, Lucas noticed something, a small flicker of nerves at the corner of her face, he stood up and noticed something the jar, was nearly bursting with bills, madison had made very little effort in the past to crucial her swearing at all, “God damn it, Maddy,  why do you keep swearing?” He gestured to the overflowing jar. “You know this isn’t just about putting money in a jar! You could get in real trouble for this! You’re playing housewife—which I never asked for—and now this?”
Madison looked at him, her eyes flashing with frustration. “I’m not doing it on purpose, Lucas. It’s just…”
“Just what? It’s dangerous, especially with everything going on. You could attract attention! And now you’re acting like this is a joke!”
She stood still, the tension palpable between them. Lucas reached out, pressing down on the stack of cash crammed into the jar. “I trusted you’d be careful. But this? You’re crossing a line.”
He upended the jar, spilling more than $200 in singles across the table. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he muttered, “Well, I guess if the strip clubs ever open back up, at least I’ll have plenty of ‘fun’ money ”. He frowned, “I have to go to work, but I don't think this conversation is over.”

(Start of new stuff)

Lucas flicked on the radio, as he pulled his car out from the parking garage, into the bright Rochester day, a local news broadcast, fuzzed to life. The weather report reported mid-70s a low chance of rain for the rest of the week, it was followed by some sports talk, that talked about  Jeffery Long's last session as a professional football player talking about the legacy of the game and so on, it was all white noise to Lucas as he drove, more focused on, how exactly they would avoid detection for the next few years if they were to get married, the marriage classes, did tend to affect the personalities of both parties, but a few of his coworkers had gone through it and they were still the basically same people different sure but still the same.. But still, if they went poking around in either Madison or his head who knows what they'd be fine. ? Just then, he noticed the audio had shifted, the faint jingle of an ad beginning to play drew his attention, and a feminine voice started talking, “They grow up so fast, don’t they one minute they’re just your little girl The next, they’re getting married,  if you want to extend their time at home try Tinklex, the only over the counter diuretic, that is proven to increase day and nighttime accidents. Not like a man is going to take your girl away if she can’t keep her panties dry”. Lucas felt his heart begin to race if only the AD knew how wrong that was, thinking of Madison, he imagined her crossing her legs, she was clearly desperate to use the bathroom. He would ask her if she needed to use the potty, and she would refuse, " I don't hafta", and he'd ask if she was sure... he cut off the lecherous thought with ferocity shoving it into a dark corner of his brain,  shame, and desire spiraling in his mind, years ago he had started to accept his feelings, a fetish that he couldn't get rid of but now he couldn't he stared into the void and it looked back. The rest of the drive passed in silence as he tried to shake off the shameful thoughts. A financial report came on next, noting a massive rise in stocks for incontinence products which again sent Lucas flush with shameful furtive desire Finally, Lucas pulled into the parking lot. Calming down he locked his car and shoved that part of him down, he wished he could talk to Madison about his fantasies but he didn't know how to explain to her when it didn't hit super close to the themes of the authoritarian takeover over much less now.
Entering the building, Lucas swiped his keycard at the door, and strolled down into his cramped office Lucas was tidy but even so the office was filled with paperwork and books scattered about.  he began the day, as he was checking emails when Graham, Lucas’s boss knocked, and then let himself in. Graham had Lucas's old job and was as far as Lucas could tell as committed to the new regime as anyone could be. “Good morning buddy of pal,” Graham said with a shit-eating grin, "I have great news, you’re getting promoted”. Lucas frowned, waiting for the other shoe to drop.“You’re being transferred to Washington as a chemist,” Graham said.
Lucas stared at him. “You know I’m not a chemist.”
“Nonsense! Didn’t you get a B.S. in chemistry from The College of William and Mary? That was you, right?”
“Yeah, but that was just my undergrad. I haven’t worked in chemistry in years.”
“Perfect!” Graham continued, ignoring Lucas’s hesitation. “Oh, and you can bring Madison along. You should be getting married soon anyway—we’ve allowed this, uh, ‘torrid affair’ to go on long enough.”
Lucas tried to plaster a look of confusion onto his face ”Madison, who's that?" 
Graham gave a mock sigh. “Fuck off Lucas don't try that shit with me, believe it or not, I’m not a sociopathic Machiavellian. Just a regular Machiavellian,” he smirked. “But you know full well that if you don’t get married, you’ll end up in prison, and Madison…” He let the threat hang. “She’ll end up as a ‘doll.’ I’m doing you a favour here. Go to Washington, they'll test  some new experimental therapies on you guys, and we’ll let bygones be bygones.”
Lucas felt his pulse quicken, but he forced himself to stay calm. “Right. Thanks…for the favour.”
Graham grinned wider. “Good talk. I’ll send you the paperwork by the end of the day. Just remember—this offer is the best you’re going to get.”  “Wait, why us? Why are we being targeted specifically?” “Oh come now, liberal academics we have a record of personality tests you took in college you know, you people,” he said lip curling “Never know when to heel,if we can get people like to bend then the biggest critics of well this, can learn to stop worrying so much as it were, that would be great, consider yourself lucky.
 With that, he turned and left, leaving Lucas alone with the grim realization of what his so-called promotion really meant. 
Numbly he went through the rest of the Day, stopping only to text Madison that something big had happened, he’d pick up take out and she should get herself ready.  
By ten he realized that there was no longer any point in doing work, and he started to wrap loose ends. His lack of responsibilities being as they were he barely had anything to do and by 11, he had the paperwork to start his new life on his desk, Graham once again, a picture of cheerful mailance as he dropped it off. Not bothering to finish the work day, Lucas left early, and drove around the city for hours, in numb certainty that his life was about to change for the worse. Eventually, it was time to go home. He grabbed some Mexican food and made his way home. When he arrived, he found Madison sitting at the kitchen table. The swear jar was still upended, its contents scattered across the surface. A flash of irritation surged through him, reminding him just how little Madison seemed to care about keeping herself safe. He stifled that impulse. Beginning to talk he quickly surmised how the day had gone, when he was finished, Madison breathed out “fuck that really sucks” and once again the flash of irritation surged through him. “Maddy we have to be so careful, we are walking a tightrope. Once you get your passport back we can leave, we have two years- we can do this, we can survive this.” 
“Fuck you Lucas, l I barely leave the house, I am being careful”. Madison, stood hands shaking. 
Lucas stood up as well“You are not being careful enough, I’m sorry”, he caught himself, trying not to get angry, she didn’t get it, they just needed to be careful for a few more years, and they could be free, sacrifice just a little more, and they had a chance to get out of this.
Madison brimming with righteousness once again told Lucas to go fuck himself did he not understand that she did every bit of her life she gave over to be careful, her postdoc had been revoked, and she stayed in the house all day, how could he not understand that, he latched on to one little thing she refused to change, and focused on that like a needle.
Lucas strode over to her and picked her up, “I still have my punishment, you owe me from that swear jar” he bent her over and roughly began to spank her. Emphasizing each word with a swat, “this” “is” “what” “they’ll” “have” “me” “do” “to” “you”, *smack *smack *smack, he began to cry, and let her go “I’m so sorry I just don’t know what to do” he said hyperventilating “I don’t know what to do.”
She recoiled from him for the first time seeing something ugly inside of him. “The same ugliness she saw in herself, she saw fear, and she resolved herself, they would get through this, she would protect him, they would get through this.
Chapter one.
Present day.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Washington DC. Our nation's capital   The local time is 4:30 pm, and the temperature is hovering around 40 Fahrenheit, we should be ready to disembark in about  45 minutes. Thank you for flying as always Spirit Airlines, Madison and Lucas sat next to each other staring out of the window. Madison looked down at her wedding ring, it wasn’t even a wedding, they had met up at the courthouse and her parents had driven from Boston, and the whole thing was over in an hour, it wasn’t how she had imagined getting married, but Lucas, being the one, did somehow soften the blow. Their relationship had settled down quite a bit since the night Lucas had brought the news. They were less tense around each other but Madison trusted him less, something she regretted especially now that they were married. They landed at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. The rest of the trip to their new apartment passed in a blur. When they finally arrived a surprisingly nice brownstone awaited them, none of their things had arrived nor was the power or water turned on. So they sat on the floor of their new kitchen and had a picnic, with some of the things they picked up from the store. Madison, spread peanut butter on her sandwich, feeling a slight pang in her bladder, she quietly “Lucas, when will the water be turned on?” “uh, sometime tomorrow I think, Lucas said slightly offhandly. Madison grimaced, “Oh ok”. “Oh why, do you need to use the bathroom” Lucas tried to seem as causal as he could he wasn’t entirely sure if he was able. The Nod that followed, sent Lucas’ thoughts racing, “well we don’t have a car, and it’s a bit late to call an uber, I guess there's probs a gas station or something around here.” he said guiltily hoping she would said she could wait till morning. And then the magical words happened and the excitement crescendo. “Yeah, I’ll just wait till morning.
As night fell at Rowland's house, Madison carefully sipped a bottle of water,   as she and Lucas settled into the quiet of the empty house. The plane ride had been exhausting, leaving her dehydrated and a little light-headed, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to go to the bathroom before they landed—nerves, perhaps, but she wasn’t about to admit that to Lucas. She glanced at him as they walked, He looked around with a scrutinizing gaze, assessing each corner of the house like he was already mentally mapping it out. As they reached their bedroom, everything first appeared normal sleek new hardwood, a window facing into their small backyard, and a spacious master bathroom.  As she walked into the bathroom she noticed something with a Dawning sense of dread: a large adult-sized changing table connected completely with padding and restraints it was mounted to the wall. Underneath a row of large plain white diapers and a note. Hands shaking she reached out and picked up a note she read, “Enjoy the housewarming gift, Lucas, your girlfriend will be needing it soon”-Graham Merchant.  Madison's bladder decided to twinge once again this time she winced as a tiny drop of pee came squirting out making her panties ever so slightly damp. 
 


 

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  • omopeess changed the title to There & Back Again (formally called Growing Pains, chapter 2 added)
  • 2 weeks later...
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Woah new stuff crazy I know, hope y'all enjoy 

                 Chapter 3

Lucas strode into the bathroom, perhaps having heard Madison gasp, his dark green eyes focusing on Madison, staring down at the note hands shaking, then flicked to the changing table and then finally to the diapers. He took the note from her quivering hands and read it, his eyes shadowed jade chips in the dark room, “I’m going to kill him.” His voice was soft, his mouth forming a thin, tense line. For the first time in years, Madison saw the man he used to be, he had taken to habitually hunching his shoulders as if he had been carrying a boulder for many years. He stood back straight, and Madison was reminded how tall he was. he swore tearing the note, and letting it fall to the ground. That moment hung there, electric in his intensity until finally it broke and he slumped back down looking slightly embarrassed, “sorry” he said, “Look I didn’t mean it,-” he cut himself off. “I.. I thought if we went along with it at some point the vice would stop tightening and… I guess I was wrong I’m sorry, I should’ve listened to you”. 

 Madison smiled weakly her bladder still painfully reminding her, “The calculus doesn’t change either way, unfortunately, I don’t think; that said, I really need to use the bathroom, I wish we could, have this conversion but I’m about to burst.” she said turning scarlet.

“Oh um,” Lucas glanced at the diapers his eyes lingering there, with a slightly… what was it Madison couldn’t tell, then he relaxed his face into a neutral expression, looking at the toilet, “just go in the toilet, the water should be turned on tomorrow anyway it’ll be fine, I think?” frowning slightly at the realization he had no idea how toilets worked. 

“Alright,” Madison said, waiting a beat before Lucas realized what she was waiting for him to leave. “Oh yeah, sorry,” he said laughing, and stepped out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Madison sat there, staring at the changing table, she had pulled down her panties these ones had princesses on them, underwear had been one of the first things that she was restricted from buying, it barely registered anymore, she looked down at her panties and saw her small accident had caused rapunzel’s face to slight warped, a jolt of fear coursed through her, she was already failing, and this had nothing to do with the state noting to do with Lucas, she had let herself have an accident, however small. When she finished, her bladder no longer protesting. She remembered she couldn’t wash her hands but dug some hand sanitizer from her purse. Returning to the main room, she saw Lucas had managed to inflate an air mattress and lay out the sheets. He was already lying down, scrolling on his laptop, the blue light casting shadows over his face.

She laid her head on his chest, hair spilling across her eyes. “Do you need to keep up with research right now?” she asked with a smile.

He chuckled and gave a noncommittal shrug, but she caught a glimpse of the screen and saw it was just the Warhammer 40k wiki. “Guess I don’t have to worry about you working too hard,” she laughed.

He grinned and ran his fingers through her hair, letting them talk about nothing in particular. It was the first time in ages that conversation had flowed this easily, his enthusiasm spilling over as he explained various Warhammer lore.

As their voices faded, they settled into a comfortable silence, both acutely aware of the difficulties yet to come. “I want more of this,” she murmured, snuggling into him.

“Me too,” he whispered, leaning in for a kiss. As she drifted off to sleep in his arms, she heard him murmur, “Goodnight, princess.” A small smile crept over her face.

When Madison woke to a loud knock, Lucas had already gotten out of bed. Curious and still groggy, she slipped downstairs, finding him talking to a man in a charcoal suit at the front door. Seeing her, Lucas subtly gestured to the kitchen island, where a cup of coffee and a foil-wrapped burrito waited. Acting casually, she took a seat and quietly sipped her coffee, straining to catch pieces of the conversation.

She couldn’t make out much, only Lucas’s voice as he nodded and responded in low tones. “Yes, we got in just last night... No, the water and power still aren’t on,” he said, glancing toward the man, his voice clipped. After a pause, he pulled out his phone and jotted something down. “At 12? Alright. Where?” Another pause, then, with a sigh, “No, she just used the toilet... Yeah, I know.”

With that, the man gave a curt nod and slipped away, leaving Lucas staring at the closed door, his shoulders tense.

The man leaving made Madison spring up, “what was that all about?”

 “They’re just checking in,” he replied, avoiding her gaze. He frowned, his mind clearly elsewhere. “By the way, how much did you drink on the plane yesterday?”

Madison shrugged, still wary. “Barely any. Why?”

Lucas’s eyes narrowed, thinking through the implications. “They might’ve put some Tinklex in the drink… But I guess it was lucky you avoided it.” He ran a hand through his hair, looking over at her. “I have work soon, and you have your first session—class, therapy, whatever they’re calling it—at noon.” he held up his hands,” Don’t worry I also have a session tomorrow, so it's not, just you,” he said. 

 

Madison stepped into the building, her heels clicking on the polished tile floor. The fluorescent lights hummed faintly above as she looked around, taking in the sterile, oddly cheerful decor. Before she could get her bearings, a young man approached her, clipboard in hand, and gave her a wide smile.

 

“Hello, dear! What’s your name?” His voice was chipper, almost condescending, and Madison’s eyes narrowed at the overly familiar tone. “I’m Seth, nice to meet you.”

 

She bit back a retort, taken aback by his patronizing language. Dear? This scrawny, greasy 19-year-old asshole had the audacity to address her like she was some helpless child. She clenched her jaw, forcing herself to stay calm, and managed a curt nod.

 

“Madison,” she replied, keeping her tone brisk. Seth seemed unfazed, barely glancing at his clipboard before gesturing down the hallway.

 

“This way, please.” He led her down the hall, his cheerful pace contrasting with her mounting sense of dread. The walls were lined with bland artwork, as if trying to mask the unsettling purpose of this place. As they walked, she realized just how big this palace was. 

As they reached the elevator, Madison’s brow furrowed. She noticed the rows of buttons, including a surprising number for sublevels. They dipped below the parking garage, extending to who knew what kind of depths. The building, already massive from the outside, seemed even larger from within, like a concrete iceberg with much more hidden beneath the surface.

Trying to sound casual, she asked, “Why is this place so big, anyway?”

Seth’s response was disconcertingly matter-of-fact. “Oh, we’re expecting every woman to make a pilgrimage here eventually,” he said, smiling as if they were discussing nothing more than the weather. “You know, just a matter of time. We had to plan for scale. Most of it is empty right now, you get an above-ground room” he said smiling, “not that there are any windows but I think it’s the air or something it feels better up here you’re lucky, I spend most of my day underground.” Seth's idol chatter made her feel a bit bad about how she had thought of him earlier he clearly wasn’t anyone important just a greeter no more responsible for this than she was.

He led her into a room with a plush room covered in almost sleepy plaid wallpaper was the only thing in the room besides a leather chair. She sat down in the chair hesitantly leather straps shot out and bound her to the chair it had enough give to be comfortable but she wouldn’t be going anywhere and soon a soft melodic voice began to talk,” Welcome to the relaxation station, each session will begin here, with three and a half hours of preparatory relaxation, ensuring you can bring your whole self to the therapeutic process. This is a safe space, a place to let go of your outside thoughts, to leave behind all those adult responsibilities and burdens. Just focus on listening, on letting go, and soon you’ll feel ready for the day.”

As the voice continued, the plaid wallpaper seemed to ripple, fractal patterns weaving across the walls, lulling her senses in sync with the melodic cadence. Half an hour passed like this and soon she was in a half-conscious fog, unable to process the words that the machine said, but able to understand them, and soon the walls began to fade, from her replaced with a cracked pavement She knew where she was, she was blocks away from her old middle school where the city bus would pick her up, she looked down and she was wearing her old pink raincoat that was by that year was already too small and far too girlish but they couldn’t afford a new one. Then she was no longer an abstraction she wasn’t Madison's 26-year-old architect anymore she was a lonely girl clutching her backpack as the rain came down in cold, relentless sheets. On a chipped old bench, as the rain poured down around her there was no cover to the bus stop no shield from the sky beside a large oak that barely seemed interesting in stopping the rain through its massive branches every part of her was soaked her shoes her socks her jacket her shirt, nothing was spared. Her classmates milled around nearby, laughing as they waited with her. She watched them from the corner of her eye, hoping someone would glance at her, invite her in, maybe offer a spot under an umbrella. She remembered this day, “I wonder when my mom’s going to call” Madison thought, and sure enough, her old flip phone began to ring, she felt herself pick it up, “hey mom” answered trying not to let a bone-chilling shiver she felt come through on the line. “Hey dear, I got off early nobody is really coming in during the rain so my boss let me off early I could pick you up on the way home can make hot chocolate when we get home.” her mother said, she could hear the smile in her mom’s voice. 

Madison forced herself to laugh “I’m already at the bus stop, there's no point. I’m already wet.” A pause, and she could hear the slight concern in her mother’s voice. “Well, if you’re sure. But hot chocolate when you get home, alright?”

 

She tried to swallow the small lump in her throat, that felt too big for her small frame. “Yeah, definitely hot chocolate. Love you.” She tucked the phone away, protecting it from the rain, as though it was something precious.

 Talking the cold plastic away from her ear tucking it into her backpack trying to shield, her books from the rain with her body. She sat there for a long time, was the bus deyland. Then she saw a Mei classmate she took a lot of the accelerated classes with walking by with two of her friends, Mei was the only one in her grade who worked as hard as she did, she waved at Mei trying to get her attention, but Mei either didn’t notice or care and they walked over to the base of the oak. Madison slumped letting the hand drop, feeling a deep shame, why had she done that, she hated herself for it she shouldn’t have raised that hand. She wished someone could see her or she wished she could disappear, she didn’t know which.

 “Wait what is this middle school bullshit” Madison fought against the vision, “ these are middle school concerns I have a boyfriend and friends now, I don’t need to worry about this, she spoke out loud, The machine’s voice responded, nonchalant and unsettlingly calm. “I didn’t create that vision. You did. You remember every detail, don’t you? Tell me, Madison, if you didn’t have your boyfriend or your friends—how would you feel? How different are you now from that lonely little girl?”

 

Madison stayed silent, her heart heavy, the weight of the question pulling at the edges of the memory. The machine’s tone was almost smug. “Hmm… I thought so.” 

The memory warped and shifted she felt the bench become softer, she became warmer, and Madison blinked, finding herself back in her cluttered old room in Rochester, books scattered across the floor, clothes everywhere—But something was off. She looked down at herself, realizing she was wearing a set of childish pajamas, pastel with little cartoon characters. She recoiled, all the clothes on the floor were childish; she sat up and she realized how uncomfortable her bladder was. A sharp pang in her bladder, caused her to jump. She tried to slide out of bed but she couldn’t move it was like she was magnetized to the bed she squirmed she finally managed to get out of bed every step felt like rubber bands on her feet. Then she felt it her bladder gave, she felt a trickle and then a flood into her panties and then flooding into her pajamas She stood there, helpless, the childish pajamas now damp and clinging to her, the humiliation settling heavily in her gut.

 

A Russell alerted her to Lucas. He must’ve woken up and come to see what was going on. She wanted to vanish she was so sure he’d laugh at her, But Lucas stepped forward, his expression soft and concerned.

 

“Hey, what happened?” he asked, his voice warm and calm, like he was already trying to make things okay.

 

Madison swallowed hard, the shame almost unbearable. “I… I didn’t make it,” she stammered, her voice small, feeling younger than she was, vulnerable and exposed in a way she hadn’t felt in years.

 

Lucas didn’t flinch he didn’t mock or look away. Instead, he stepped closer, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay,” he said quietly. “These things happen. Let’s get you changed, alright?”

 

She tried to push him away, to hide from his understanding gaze, he grabbed her and whispered sweet nothings, and something in his tone—the uncompromising understanding she didn’t deserve—made her pause. She let him lead her back to the bedroom, he bent down and slowly stripped her of her pajamas and underwear wiping her down and changing her into normal clothes, it felt weirdly edifying as if some of the shame was getting cleansed along with her damp clothes

 

Just as she began to enjoy it, the voice of the machine appeared again. Whispering a secret she had had no idea about, how could it possibly know?

 

“You remember finding the videos on his computer,” it whispered, twisting around her thoughts. “You know he’d love this version of you.… You know you could be his little girl, and all you’d have to do is surrender.”

 

 She shuddered, struggling to push it out, but the voice continued, unrelenting, weaving its insidious logic into the soft memories.

 

“This is what you want right? Not be alone, you’re still that girl still freezing at the bus stop hoping someone will say Hi Madison. But that’s the thing, Madison. Mei would’ve let you hang out. You know that. She was nice to you, always. But it’s you, isn’t it? It’s you who couldn’t let her in you’re shame. It’s you who pushed them all away. All you’d have to do is let go. All you have to do is accept.

 

 All you’d have to do is let go. All you have to do is accept. Become placid become his girl, give up”

 

Madison fought against the pull, against the dark logic pressing in on her. She knew this wasn’t right, but the ache, the loneliness the deep pit of insecurity the machine dragged to the surface was real. She clung to her sense of self, fighting to keep the parts of herself that this machine’s voice was trying to devolve her, even as it whispered of what she could have if she only gave in. After a while, the machine said “Alright, maybe next time," its tone was almost annoyed now. "You two meet the perfect profile, you know. I've seen it all. His fetish, your... issues." The voice seemed to emphasize the word "issues," dripping with derision. "Well, it’s partially 'dispositive' for a good match. I shouldn’t even have to try with you two. It should’ve happened on its own."

My issues? Fuck you, machine," she muttered, her teeth grinding. The machine’s laughter echoed in the back of her mind, hollow and cold. “How far would you go to never feel this way again, Madison? You should think on that”

"Oh, I’m sure you think that," it replied, its voice full of mockery. "Go to sleep, Madison. I’ll see you next time." 

Madison awoke with no memory of what happened her chair resins were gone a feeling more relaxed than she had in ages, the vague feeling as if something was wrong was quickly ignored and forgotten, seth poked his head in ‘How did it go?” He asked she responded as it was the only truthful answer" I think I feel asleep, but I feel much more relaxed” Seth’s grin widened. "Good to hear! That’s exactly within lines of what is expected during these sessions, sleeping is natural don't worry.

  • Like 2
  • omopeess changed the title to There & Back Again ( chapter 3 added) 11/12/2024

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