Fast Friends, then Loss of a Friendship (Had Nothing to Do With Having this Kink)

[dl_ashlee]

This is going to be long as I need somewhere safe to write this where its highly unlikely they will see it (highly doubt she's into being an AB/DL). Its probably dumb to hold out hope of seeing her again, even though in her last text below she did give me that "hope".

I'm circling grief stages at this point as being autistic I don't really bond with most people easily and apparently our friendship meant very little to her, otherwise should would communicate further with me about it, but no communication for 3 months now. Probably sent her text that if she didn't block me only pushed her further away.

This was her last text to me: "To be honest I think we have different ideas of what our relationship is. From my perspective our level of friendship is not one that requires constant cultivation. We enjoyed summer activities but it seems like you want someone who is much more involved in a friend level. I've had friends for 20 years who don't expect me to check in. If I make it to a meetup hike I'll let you know but my schedule is pretty full to plan anything." A meetup hike being one on meetup.com as that is where we initially meant and became what I thought was going to be an amazing long term friendship.

I'm not sure how she went from being very involved on a friend level (at least to me) to this text. To me it felt like our summer activities we both bared our hearts and souls to one another. Sure we pretty much meant on weekends (2-3 times a month) as we live about 1.5 hours away from each other and our activities were mainly hiking/backpacking/camping. Though after she told me she is a sex worker, we started talking about kinks (no I didn't tell her about being an AK). She invited me to go to Dark Odyssey a kink conference and we both went, though there were multiple speakers in different rooms, so we only meant up at the end of the day. Then we ended up going to Folsom St fair with my now ex girlfriend and some other friends, that was an experience to see every type of kink being show cased on public streets (including lots of AB/AK/DL people only wearing diapers and nothing else). We went on both hiking/backpacking/camping trips with meetup groups and then multiple with just the two of us. After one hike we went to Thai for dinner and spent an hour and a half after we were already finished eating, just talking about our lives, luckily it was slow and they didn't seem to care.

During all these activities we each talked over multiple hours, pretty much telling each other everything about ourselves (I'm sure not everything, like I didn't admit to being an AK, so I'm sure there's things she didn't share, I know one as she didn't want me to read her book about her time escorting in Vegas, "said she was a different person then and didn't want me to look at her differently because of it"). Well guess what after she sent me that text I did get the audio version of her book and listened to it, nothing in it changes how I feel about her and what I thought was a deep friendship. Probably listened to it out of anger (very much a grief stage) of her breaking what I thought was a very special friendship connection. I feel like its worse then losing a good friend to death at least for me as its giving me "false hope" that I'll see her again.

I did loose a best friend to drugs, I only learned it from Facebook as we had graduated from college and he was still going to raves and doing drugs, I never did drugs at raves with him, but I had a ton of fun with him being a sober raver in college. He had mental health issues also, but that didn't seem to get in the way of our friendship. Outside of raves though he wasn't doing drugs during college. He did try to commit suicide once (I think I heard he had tried previously also before I was friends with him for 10+ years. Not sure what they ruled the death, but he had Co2 canisters around him and a bag over his head (often done to "get a better high"). I feel like even though we had great times together, being alive on this earth was tough for him, hope death gave him some peace. Maybe also finding this out five years later after I had broke off our friendship made it easier also as I had already grieved that loss for 5 years. I ended up going to a rave 2-3 years after college and he was at it, still doing drugs and it didn't even feel like it was the person I knew from college anymore. So I had accepted that the person I knew in college wasn't him anymore and think it allowed me to move on.

Now I can only wonder if she will contact me about a meetup.com hike/camping trip when it becomes spring/summer and if the four texts I've sent to her over the last 3 months has only pushed her further away from even contacting me for a meetup.com hike. I was cautious to not send her any text while I was in the anger stage of grief, but certainly reading some of them showed I was in the bargaining phase of grief. And until summer is over for 2023 it feels like I can't truly accept that she won't contact me for a meetup.com hike. I really hate how culture now has it where people with text to break up with you, had we been able to have a short phone call to "finalize" our feelings to each it feels like it would be so much easier to accept that what I mistook for a very deep friendship connection was not at all what she felt. My now ex girlfriend and I had a 30 minute conversation before we ended things (it was very much mutual).

Maybe she's just that open about her past to everyone, but she certainly wasn't that open to others at the meetup.com events, though I know she has other friends I never meant that she certainly is that open to them about her life and past. For me very few people get to know me that deep, my ex girlfriend did (yes I've had only one GF/BF relationship my whole 39 years of life). We also became fast friends and within a couple weeks I was bearing my soul to her and having sex for the first time in my life.

Maybe my friend and I's downfall was because I did ask her if she would date me as my ex GF and I are poly. She and I had such a fast connection that it felt much like the start of mine and my ex GF's relationship. Even after I asked her about possible dating our friendship seemed to be stable and I was accepting and feeling like it was probably a better choice for us then getting involved in sleeping with each other. She told me she was working on herself, so she wasn't really in a position to be dating anyone at that point, even though she has dated both men and women in the past. Over the next two months we did more hiking, camping, went to a Broadway play and had more eye opening conversations. So I don't think was that I asked to date her.

Though it could be that after she told me she does sex work it gave me the idea to look into possibly doing it myself and I did start doing. She even gave me lots of help in person and on text on the business of sex work. I do think it changed our relationship and that I then became one of her "sex worker friends". I think she enjoyed that we were just two girls enjoying fun together without having to think about her work at all. Though I don't particularly think that was "ending of our friendship", I had even sent her a text that included "Hope I didn't go overboard on talking about sex work over text, let's get back to normal topics".

My previous two texts to her before she replied her last text me (along with a few other texts between her last one and the previous one she had sent, which was 8 days prior):

"Hope you're doing well wherever you are, really care about you, you're an awesome strong determined woman. Just want you to be happy in life, so hope to hear from you whenever you come up for air."

Then my next text:

"So what's up been a week since you've replied to any text? I know you can do this sometimes, but even a hey I'm busy or any reply would be nice. I know I asked a lot about sex work and such, so hope I didn't go overboard on that and make you not want to communicate with me. Would be nice to know I'm not communicating to thin air."

The next day I got her last text telling me that she didn't have time and our friendship didn't mean much to her (well that's how it felt to me when I read it). After reading a bunch of old texts, I don't think it did mean that little to her, but for whatever reason she's made the conscious decision to either block me (though my iPhone says they were "delivered", not sure if it would show that if I was blocked) or made the decision just to not reply to any of my 4 texts over the last 3 months. To me even if you're busy and you're friends you make time to reply because that relationship is important to you. Sometime in that 3 months you can find 5-10 minutes to reply to a text, if that relationship is truly important to you. So guess that's the conclusion I have to come to that our relationship isn't important to her as we make time for things that are important to us and she's not made time for it in over 3 months.

Still not sure how she went from a text a couple months previously stating that its great to have a friend who we can talk to openly without worrying about the other judging you and that those types are unusual and that she felt we would be long time friends. Not sure if she's having some mental health issues, maybe due to sex work as I know she's feed up with the guys and is trying to save up over the next 2-3 years to move onto her other two business endeavors and leave sex work for good. It really feels like there is something that flipped a switch for her and something majorly changed between 4 months of summer that we spent doing things together and her telling me she can't do a "deeper friendship". Whatever it is that is causing it I hope she figures it out and yes I hope we can continue our friendship if she figures things out, but I don't expect it at this point.

I'd love to have a conversation with her about it, but at this point I have no clue if I'll ever see her again. Of course it is possible that we go on a meetup.com hike/camping trip and both end up being there, even if she decides not to text me that she will be going. We didn't even talk to each other the first meetup we were both at, but she saw me a second time at another camping trip and we spent that whole weekend the two of us chatting and getting to know each other while going on several hikes in the area we were camping at. If that happens, who knows how she will react, I hope if that did happen she'd at least want to have a conversation about our texts and such.

All of that is just what ifs though and they certainly could happen, but I shouldn't bank on them happening. The only thing I can bank on is that something in her life changed our friendship as until this text everything was pointing to having an amazing close long time friend. Literally something happened that flipped the light switch from on to off as this was not at all her previous reactions to text or talks we had together. So that sucks, but literally nothing I can do it about it and writing this made me realize that no it wasn't me or my last few texts that caused her last text, I still don't know what did, but that here nor there and something I very well might have to live with not knowing the rest of my life, which sucks even more, but the important thing is this did help me process what happened and now I can stop feeling like it was something I did that cause her to send that last text.

 

 

My TLDR is the is all the above I feel like everything written is important to the story as a whole. So please only comment if you did in fact read the whole journal entry (feels like something a person would write in a personal journal entry). Thanks for reading my diatribe, I'm open to support and advice on moving on.