Panty Patrol (a complete short story)

[Victoria Green Books]

When it’s quiet, you can hear them pissing themselves. 

Before that, they fidget and shift. Wriggling around. Crossing their legs. Trying anything they think might help them hold it until they can make it to some quiet corner. But that never works, of course. Eventually, they go still and tense up. Shoulders hunched. Eyes staring off into space. That’s when you hear it. Barely audible at first, then growing louder as they really let loose. It’s a hissing sound more than anything. Like a punctured tire bleeding air. Or your thumb over a garden hose.

“Crinkle crinkle crinkle. Hisssssssssss!” 

That’s what Grant told us all a few days ago, complete with dramatized sound effects. Then he’d burst out laughing. I’d called bullshit, but since then I’d been paying attention. Watching. Listening.

More than anything, it gave me something to do in dull moments like this. All but the slowest test-takers had finished the final and set their pencils down. So I sat and waited, watching the dust motes drift through early-summer sunbeams. 

Kevin sat three rows ahead. A fat, white roll of diaper spilled out of the top of his khakis. He’d obviously tried cinching it down and out of sight with a belt and a long shirt, but the shirt had ridden up and the pants down, exposing the diaper for everyone to see. He’d attempted to be as covert as possible when we all returned from Thanksgiving break. He’d put the pin on his backpack strap instead of his chest, which was technically a violation, but no one had called him on it yet. And he’d switched out his indie band shirts for long-sleeve flannels that were at least one size too large. They obscured some of the bulge but did nothing to hide the distinctive crinkling sound he made every time he moved. 

Kevin shifted in his chair, lifting one cheek up like he was trying to let out a silent fart. And maybe he was. Or maybe he was letting out something worse than that. They said once you had the pin, you were in the things 24/7. Everyone had to shit at some point, right?

Grant elbowed me, a grin on his face, and jerked his head towards Kevin. 

“I see him,” I whispered. 

Grant put his teeth together and made a barely audible hissing sound. 

Kevin froze up, sitting up so straight he looked like someone shoved a cattle prod up his ass and flipped the switch. 

I leaned forward. 

A chime rang through the classroom and suddenly, everyone was dropping pencils and shuffling papers. “Okay, folks, that’s it,” Professor Carlin said. “Pencils down. Leave your papers on my desk. I’ll have the grades up by the end of next week.” 

“Shit!” Grant said. 

I grinned at him. “Not a peep, man. I’ll take my $20 now.” 

“Bullshit,” he said. “Kevin. Hey, Kevin!” 

Kevin turned around. His eyes narrowed in distrust.

“You gonna piss yourself or what?” 

Kevin blushed a deep shade of red. “Wha, what?” 

“Bro, come on. We can all see it hanging out of your pants. Show my guy here what it sounds like when you piss your pampers.” 

He turned around and started shoving stuff in his book bag. 

“Ah, that’s no way to be,” Grant said. “Make the snake sound for us. Hiiiiiissssssssss.” 

“What’s your problem?” A girl two rows over from us snapped. She was cute. Straight blonde hair, big glasses, and a spray of freckles across her cheeks. I’d thought of asking her out for a beer the first week of class, but then I’d noticed the College Matriarchalists patch on her book bag and thought better of it.  

Grant put his hands up. “Woah. Easy there. Just a fact-finding mission. My guy here thinks you can piss a diaper without making a sound.” He twirled his finger beside his head.  

She directed her withering gaze at me. 

“Nah, it’s not that. It’s just…” 

She turned around and shook her head. 

Grant rolled his eyes. “Way to roll over.” 

“I wasn’t rolling over. You see that patch on her bag?” 

“So? More reason not to roll over. Wouldn’t be where we are if more guys stood up for themselves.” 

“I just don’t—” 

“Panty patrol!” someone shouted in the hallway. 

Everyone in the room froze. Grant and I exchanged a glance. 

“You think they’d do that on the last day of the semester?” I asked. 

“This fucking place? Of course. They’re in bed with the Matties.” 

“Shit.” 

He shrugged. “Who cares, dude? You really upset about it come down to the quad.” He leaned close and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Ollie, Trevor, and a few of the guys from Skelling are gonna egg that new campaign office the Matties put up by the cafeteria. Show the administration we’re not all a bunch of little bitches.” 

I nodded, but my thoughts were on the Panty Patrol. I’d been up late gaming last night, so I’d slept through my alarm clock and had to skip my usual shower. I was certain I’d put on a new shirt and socks, beyond that…

“Come on, man,” Grant said. Everyone else had left the classroom, though I could see most of them lined up just outside the door. 

I grabbed my bag and followed him into the hallway. I’d suffered through two inspections before: once on orientation day and again before Christmas break. They were awkward at best, and humiliating at worst, but I’d ‘passed’ both times so I didn’t think about it all that much. I’d heard rumors that the guys who lived in the dorms had it way worse, with all kinds of spot-inspections and hoops to jump through. 

They called themselves SHINE. Social Hygiene Improvement…something or other. But we all called them the Panty Patrol. Nevermind that they were exclusively targeted at men—’ Panty Patrol’ was easier to remember than SHINE or whatever. They were basically just a Mattie excuse to further humiliate men under the guise of preventing the spread of illness and social good and some other vague Mattie nonsense. They’d set up their table near one end of the hallway. The end with the stairs and elevators, of course, so no one could get around them. Two women sat behind the table, while two flanked either side. They were young—not much older than us—and each wore one of those ugly green sashes. They liked to pull their recruits right from the graduating classes, I’d heard. 

The girls in the class were lined up along the wall, watching and whispering and pointing, while we guys lined up. 

“Such a crock of shit,” Grant said, shaking his head. “I can’t believe the college agrees to this. With what we’re paying to be here? They outta send these chicks around to clean the dorms or something if they’re so worried about shit being clean.” 

The guy ahead of us turned around and leaned in. “Some rich Mattie made a huge endowment with all these strings attached. They couldn’t agree quickly enough.” He shrugged. “Least that’s what I heard.”

“Disgusting,” Grant said. 

“You agreed to it on the admission paperwork,” a woman standing against the wall said. “Every one of you had to sign your name.” 

“Was I talking to you?” Grant snapped. 

She glared back at him but didn’t say anything.

There was some commotion at the front of the line. A moment later, a guy walked past. I recognized him from a couple of my classes—Neil or Nate or something like that. He was holding his unbuttoned jeans in one hand, trying to keep them from falling down, while one of the Panty Patrol girls gripped his wrist firmly. She held a thick diaper in her other hand. 

The girls along the walls started clapping as he walked past. 

“Got another one!” 

“Enjoy your diapies!” 

“No more toilet for you!” 

“Come find me when you need a change!”

I couldn’t see Neil’s face, but I didn’t need to. She led him into the women’s room and the women lined up along the walls finally stopped jeering, though the glee persisted. They said that diaper-changing tables had been added to the women’s rooms along with all the other new policies the Matties pushed for. An obvious lie. Or at least an exaggeration. 

“Who do you think is next?” a girl with thick glasses and an impish grin asked. She’d sat at the front of my Quant class all semester, answering every question and just generally being an annoying try-hard. 

“Hhhhhmmm.” The girl next to her pointed to a guy with a patchy beard a few places ahead of me in line. “That one. He looks like he needs help wiping. Lots of help.” 

The girl in glasses snort-laughed. “I mean, they all do. I think it’ll be that one.” She gestured at a guy I’d never noticed in any of my classes before. He looked a lot more put-together than patchy-beard, with trendy clothes and trendier haircut. 

“Him? Sure it’s not just because you want to diaper that tight ass?” 

Girl-in-glasses shrugged, and they both started giggling. 

“Why don’t you leave us alone?” The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. Stupid. Fucking stupid. 

They both turned their attention to me. “And what about him?” the girl in glasses asked her friend. “This one with the bratty attitude.”  

Her friend gave me the elevator eyes. “Clothes look pretty clean. Hair is kind of a mess, though. Like he uses a bar of soap on it or something. And he looks like a boxer-briefs kinda guy.” 

“Ugh,” her friend chimed in. “They’re the worst. My brother used to wear boxer briefs. He’d leave them balled up on the bathroom floor for days. Before he got his pin, of course.”

I felt the heat rush up my neck and into my cheeks. I didn’t dare say anything further. At least Grant was distracted from talking to someone else. The guy never saw a fight he didn’t want a part of - especially with the Matties. 

“He looks nervous.” 

“He looks like he jerks it into a gym sock.” 

They both giggled. The line moved forward, putting them behind me.  

“Well, we’ll find out soon. Looks like they finally added a blacklight.” 

I turned around. “What?” 

They burst out laughing. 

I shook my head. “I, uh, wasn’t talking to you.” 

The girl with glasses was red in the face with barely-restrained mirth. She dabbed a tear from under one eye. “Sure, sweetie. Come find me once you have your pin, okay? I bet you’re gonna be adorable in diapers.” 

I faced forward again. I wanted to step out of line to see if they really had a black light. I poked Grant, who was staring down at his phone. “Did you hear anything about a black light?” 

“Who cares? Long as they don’t blacklight Stacy’s pussy I should be good.” He winked and went back to looking at his phone. 

That he’d avoided the Matties ire this long was a miracle. But not one I really cared about at that moment. Last night I’d had trouble getting to sleep when I finally quit gaming. Too much caffeine and too many close matches. So I’d done the one thing that always helped me drift off. The question was, in my rush to get out the door, had I changed underwear? 

The line moved ahead a couple of places rapidly, as two guys were allowed to pass almost immediately upon reaching the table. I couldn’t see their pins from behind, but I didn’t need to: their pants bulged out in the back. They didn’t bother inspecting anyone who’d already been pinned—there was a whole set of other policies in place for those poor bastards. 

Poor bastards like Kevin. Kevin, who had a pin. On his bag strap. 

Kevin was only a few places ahead of me in line, but one guy still cussed me out for cutting in front of him. Luckily, it didn’t go any further than that. None of the girls along the wall seemed to notice what I’d done and the SHINE crew had missed it too.

I tapped Kevin on the shoulder and he turned, frowning as he did so. “Hey, I wanted to apologize for my friend. He can be a bit of an asshole.” 

He nodded. 

“It’s just. You know…this stuff just all came out of left field. We’re all just kind of curious about it.” 

He snorted. “You’ll find out soon enough.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Dude, they aren’t gonna rest until every guy is pinned.” 

“It’s the end of the semester. I’ve made it this far.” 

He chuckled. “You’re a junior next year?” 

“Sophomore.” 

“You think they are gonna let up on any of this? They’ll double down every year. Every semester.” He pointed to the table. “Look. They’ve added a black light to the mix. Rumor is they’re just getting started with that now because they’re bringing chastity devices in next semester. Every time they get an inch, they take a mile.” 

“What’s a chas—” I shook my head. “Whatever. I just think they have to pull back on this at some point. The pendulum has gotta swing back in the other direction.” 

Kevin leaned closer. “My father is an analyst on Wall St. Works for a major firm. He says adult diaper sales are through the roof. Way higher than what the handful of schools in bed with the Matriarchalists explains. It’s gone beyond the universities now. Way beyond.” 

“No way.” 

“If I were you, I’d get ahead of the curve.”

“Huh?” 

He gestured at his waist. “You’re gonna end up in one of these. Period. But they’re a lot nicer about it if you take the pin voluntarily.” 

 “You gotta be kidding. No way am I putting one of those things on. Fucking gross.” I laughed. “No offense, man.”

“If you say so.” He shrugged and turned forward again, his bag swinging around in front of me.  

The guy in front of me pulled his pants back up and proceeded down the hallway. My turn. The woman behind the counter looked up from her tablet, an expression of bored disgust on her face. She glanced at the pin I’d stuck to my shirt thirty seconds earlier. 

“Name?” 

“Alex Parks.” 

She frowned at her tablet. 

“Is there a problem?” 

“Our records don’t show you as pinned.” 

“Huh.” My heart was pounding so loudly in my chest that I thought she might hear it. “I just got it a couple of days ago. Maybe the system isn’t updated yet?” 

She stared at my waist, then glanced at the woman next to her. 

I held my breath. 

She nodded. “Go ahead.” 

I smiled. “Thanks. Have a great day.” 

Then I was around the table and walking down the hallway as quickly as I could without drawing attention. I stepped into the empty elevator, my ears tuned for any commotion back in the line. It would take them at least a minute to figure out what had happened. That’s what I was banking on anyway. 

The elevator doors started to close and I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. 

A hand shot through and kept it from closing. The blonde girl from class stepped into the elevator, her eyes firmly locked on mine. 

“I saw what you did.”

It felt as if the elevator cable had snapped and sent me plummeting to the ground. 

“You did?” I choked out.

She nodded. “Apologizing to Kevin like that? You’re not a jerk like your friend.”

“Oh. Thanks.” My heart rate edged out of heart attack territory. But only just barely.

“You shouldn’t hang out with him. Guys like that drag everyone down. They try to make the people around them as miserable as they are.” 

“He’s uh, not that bad.” 

“Hhhhmmm.”

Except for a faint audio track coming out of a tinny speaker, the elevator was quiet. I glanced over at her. 

“I’m Lily, by the way.” 

“Alex.” 

The elevator stopped, and a couple of girls got on board. Lily moved closer to me. Close enough I could smell her perfume. Close enough her arm brushed against mine. 

“How long have you been pinned?” she asked. 

One of the girls in front of us snickered. 

Lily cleared her throat. “Nothing wrong with it, you know. Some day, I’m sure all boys will be.” 

Over my dead body. 

“Um, since…” 

She glanced up at me, and I froze. Then she smiled and rolled her eyes. “Come on. You don’t remember? I thought every boy remembered. The way my guy friends talk about it, you’d think it was the moon landing or something.” 

“Oh yeah. Since, uh, Thanksgiving.” 

She smiled and nodded. “A bunch of boys got pinned then.” 

The elevator stopped. The two girls in front of us got out. I glanced down at my phone. This was taking too long. 

“And how is it so far?” she asked. “I’ve heard that it really reduces anxiety. Boys get better grades. Less conflict with their parents. More—”

“Fine,” I snapped. “It’s fine.” 

She frowned. “If there are problems--if you’re uncomfortable—I know who to talk to about it. We can make sure you’re wearing the right size.” Her eyes subtly dropped to my waist. 

My heart raced back into cardiac arrest territory. Finally, the elevator stopped and the doors opened on the ground floor. The room was mostly empty, and there were no SHINE wackos to be seen. 

“Well, it was nice talking to you, Alex,” Lily said. 

“Yeah. You too.” My eyes were locked on the doors and the world beyond. I started walking, resisting the urge to run. 

“Oh hey, Alex?” Lily called. 

Shit. 

I turned back around. “Yeah?”

She glanced down, then back up again. “Would you, uh, like to go to the College Matriarchalists meeting with me? It’s at 5:30, in Abbot.” 

“Uh…” 

“I mean, if not, that’s fine. But we’re always looking for allies and you seem sweet. I thought maybe afterward, if you don’t have plans—” 

“Hey!” A woman’s voice called out from the stairwell. A second later, two women in sashes appeared, Kevin behind them. He pointed at me. “He’s the one that took it!”

I only had a split second to see the confused look on Lily’s face, and then I was rushing headlong toward the door. If I could make it outside, they’d never catch me. I’d get off campus. By next semester, it’d all have blown over. At least, that’s what I told myself as I sprinted toward freedom.

Two girls in green sashes appeared out of nowhere and blocked the door. 

Fuck!

I turned and scanned the room. There was another exit, but no way I could get there quickly enough. Kevin and the girls from the stairs were closing in, their shoes slapping against the tile. 

The bathroom. It was on an outside wall. Which meant there was a window. Or at least it made sense for there to be a window. Whether it would be big enough for me to climb through, who knows. I bolted into the bathroom, the heavy door impacting the wall with a crack as loud as a gunshot. 

I’d never been so happy to see a pane of glass. The window was small and high up on the wall, but it was there. And it was open. Fresh summer breeze—the smell of freedom—floated through. I grinned. I couldn’t help it. I’d just climb up on the shelf beneath it and shimmy through the window.

No, not a shelf. A table. On one end of that table was a cube of baby wipes. Next to that, powder. And three stacks of diapers in different sizes. 

“Oh, fuck.”

A stall door flew open and a wide-eyed woman stood there. “What are you doing in here unescorted?”

“I, uh…” 

“Show me your pin,” she demanded. Her eyes narrowed. “Now.” 

I fumbled at my chest. “It must have fallen off.” 

I looked up at the window. If I stood on the table and launched myself upward, I could make it. 

So that’s what I did. 

***

They sat on the steps in front of Murphy Hall. Grant, Ollie, Trevor, and a couple of guys I didn’t know. 

I hesitated for a moment, then called out. “Hey guys.”  

Grant whipped around and grinned. “Dude! Where you been? We thought you fucking bailed on us.” 

“Nah, just got a bit held up.”

Grant shrugged. “Alright. So you’re game, right? Trevor got like six dozen eggs.”

“And a bottle of Jack,” Trevor added with a grin.  

Ollie nudged Grant and raised his eyebrows. Grant frowned and stepped closer. “Is that a…bro, you got pinned?” 

“They cornered me,” I said. “I tried to get out. I snagged Kevin’s pin. But they cornered me. I…” 

Trevor poked at my chest. “What’s this? Two pins?” 

“That one looks like a lock. What is it?” 

I felt the flush of heat in my cheeks grow. 

Grant shook his head. “Never thought you’d join the dark side.” 

“I didn’t have a choice. What was I supposed to do?” 

“Come on, let’s go,” Ollie said. 

Grant gave me one last look, not even trying to disguise his contempt, then they all walked off toward the quad. Halfway down the steps, someone made a loud “hiiissssssss,” and they all burst out laughing. Grant turned and looked at me, then shook his head.

I dropped onto the granite step—or onto the thick wad of padding taped to my ass anyway—and watched the sun slowly drift lower. This wasn’t how I planned to end my semester. In a fucking diaper. Friendless. 

“The meeting starts in five minutes.”

I twisted around. Lily stood behind me. The look of rage she’d worn on her face when she burst into the women’s room was gone, replaced with an expression I couldn’t read. Smug satisfaction? Condescension?

She settled onto the step next to me. “We’ll still be on time if we go now.” 

“Are you fucking serious?” 

She raised an eyebrow, reminding me of the pins I wore now. Of the absolute mountain of shit I’d be digging myself out of for a long, long time.

“Sorry, but that’s the last place I want to be.” 

“So what, you’re just going to sit here and mope?” 

“I’m not moping.” 

She stood up. “They aren’t coming back, Alex. But they’ll be joining us soon enough. Until then, why don’t you make some new friends?” She extended her hand, a big smile dimpling her cheeks.

Grant was an asshole. Always had been. Probably always would be. 

I stood up and took her hand in mine. “Sure. Why not.” 

There's more where that came from! Check out my other diaper tales on Smashwords!

And if you liked this short and want to see more stories set in this world, let me know in the comments :)

[Bonsai]

This is what happens if you try to fight them.

Next will come the nanobots that stealthy enter into your underwear and then send a silent alarm to the ladies as soon as they find you guilty.
No more running attempts, the ladies just come for you in plainclothes and give you a single chance to surrender with some dignity left…