Questionable Questionnaire

[FatherFish]

Waiting sucked. Having to get up early in morning sucked even more. Having to get up early in the morning to wait around sucked to an infinite degree.

Blair knew she shouldn’t have waited so long to schedule her annual check-up. Now she was paying the price, as all the afternoon slots had been taken. Things were so much easier when she still had her mother setting up appointments for her. Blair’s mother had argued that if she was old enough to drive to the doctor, and old enough to work, she was old enough to set up a doctor’s appointment.

With nothing better to do, Blair slumped in her seat and pulled out her phone. No new messages. She thought about calling her friends and striking up a conversation to pass the time. But they were all probably either at work now or asleep and didn’t want to be bothered. She tried to connect online and check her social media, but the internet connection here was lousy. Even when she got online, opening another tab would greet her with a dreaded white background and a long loading time.

Blair let out an annoyed sigh. They didn’t call these places waiting rooms for nothing. Was she really going to be stuck here, counting each boredom filled second, all morning? She even considered calling her mom or dad, just so she would have something to do. Getting lectured by mom wasn’t fun, but at least it was stimulating. Just as she was about to dial her parent’s home phone number, her phone buzzed, a new notification popped onto her screen.

“Advanced Mental Age Quiz – Discover Your True Age Today!”

It was a news headline. Something about an advanced personality quiz. It must have been a slow day in the journalistic world. She had seen, and taken, countless online quizzes during her formative years. Everything ranging from “which superpowers would you have” to “what’s your fantasy race” to even “which tropical fruit are you?” She remembered, sometime at the age of 12, being so disappointed when she got papaya instead of mango. Nostalgia aside, it did sound like a perfect way to kill some time. These were no doubt more fun when she was a teenager, but it wouldn’t hurt to take one for old times’ sake.

The page loaded surprisingly quickly. The web design was quite basic, featuring plain black text on a white background. Whatever. It made the page load faster, even with the waiting room’s rocky connection, so she had no reason to complain.

When taking this quiz, remember not to think too intensely about each question. The point of each question is to discern your natural point of view. Answer each question honestly and openly. Your answers will be record, for research purposes. However, your personal information, such as your email address and phone number, will never be recorded.

Blair rolled her eyes. It all seemed so overdramatic for an online quiz. Maybe this was just how the site owners wanted to set the mood? She bit her lip and looked at the time. There was still a long way to go before her appointment would be up. “It should be fine,” She thought. She tapped the start icon, an anxious twinge sitting in her chest.

Question 1: It’s okay to rely on others when times get tough.

Blair read the question and looked at her answer choices. There was an option to agree or disagree, as well as a “strongly” variant for both. Standard stuff. However, there wasn’t an option to skip or stay neutral. She was somewhat surprised, as she always liked to pick that option when there was a question she didn’t understand or didn’t feel too strongly on.

Blair thought to herself, “Is it okay to rely on others?” She would have to say yes. New to adulthood, she was very use to relying on her mother on many things. Some trivial, like cooking and cleaning. Others more major, like taking her to the doctor or setting up a schedule for her. Even her friends from school were a constant source of help over the years. She couldn’t imagine how many assignments she would have failed if her girls weren’t there to study with her. It sounded like she had no objections on this one. Agree.

Right before she scrolled to the next question, she thought about the message from the start. About how she agreed to answer honestly. Blair groaned. It was just an online quiz, no reason to be bashful. Strongly agree.

Question 2: I work better when I am on a routine.

This one was also straightforward. Routine was something that Blair was quite familiar with. However, the more Blair thought about it, the more she realized those routines were never set by her. Always her parents or her teachers. That was probably worth factoring, right? Right. She was noticeably less confident in this one. Agree.

Question 3: Hardships are unavoidable parts of life.

“Hmm,” Blair mumbled. Was it really that cut and dry? She didn’t want to think so. In her mind, she pictured the life of someone who always got what they wanted. The life of a spoiled rich girl who never had to worry about things like taxes or finding a job. It sounded plausible. It even sounded compelling. Blair liked to think that some hardships in life were avoidable, with a little luck and good fortune. Whether she could vouch for it personally was another matter, but that wasn’t part of the quiz. Disagree.

Question 4: Complexity is inherently more appealing than simplicity.

This one was weird, Blair had to read it out loud to herself a few times. It was also vague as well. Complexity could mean many different things based on the context. Was that the point? Was that part of the question?

Ugh, this one was annoying. Disagree.

Question 5: Growing up is too hard.

Now things were getting weird. There was a pit forming in Blair’s stomach. A gnawing suspicion of foul play. It was as if she on a candid camera show and the host was in an unseen location, waiting to jump out at her for the grand reveal. Confetti would rain down; Blair would look a fool in front of hundreds of viewers. Was she being paranoid? Unsure. While not an option on the quiz, Blair didn’t have to abide by those standards on her own time. Still, she had other personal questions she could answer with those confines. Was she starting to feel uneasy? Agree. Was the idea that a random internet poll was somehow aware of her thoughts, farfetched? Strongly Agree. Was she ready to stop clicking answers and do something else with her time? Disagree. Blair sighed. The question was a coincidence. Obviously. Agree.

Perhaps the part that bothered Blair most, was that she wanted to click ‘Agree’. Say there was a way to skip the journey to adulthood. An alternate route that skipped all the awkward years. All the drama, all the embarrassment. All the mean comments about her hair or her face or her body. Say it was all true. Blair would certainly not be the only person to want to walk that route. Say someone actually found this ultimate lifehack. Would that person be liable to share it? Blair didn’t think so. She certainly wouldn’t herself. Ponce de León certainly wasn’t searching for the fountain of youth to help charity. Blair would keep it close, keep it nice and hidden. Had she figured out a way to avoid it herself? Disagree. Strongly disagree. Did she want to believe it was possible? Agree. Was she feeling hopeful? Agree. Final answer?

Agree.

The next set of questions began to load. A spinning red wheel on a white backdrop. It was almost hypnotic, like watching food cook in the microwave. Blair might just waste the entire day watching it, let the seconds trickle by. Was that why loading screens were designed that way? So that you didn’t notice how much time you were wasting? It wouldn’t surprise her. If that was the case, then it was working. How long was she going to watch this wheel go? Maybe just a few more seconds? No, she should check the time.

Pulling her head away from the screen was a true test of willpower. Even after she did, she still felt slightly dazed. She could still see the bright screen clouding her vision, as if she had just come back inside on a bright sunny day. Maybe she was just tired…

The waiting room hadn’t changed much since she started. There was still no one else waiting here besides her. There were still a few toys piled up by the corner, for the little kids to play with. There was one of those wooded toys with the wires and beads. The ones that never failed to materialize in waiting rooms across the world. There was a clear bucket filled with Lincoln Logs and Lego blocks—the really thick off brand kind. There were even oversized foam blocks that would have looked right at home at a daycare. None of them really interested. Blair was well past the age of sucking and stacking blocks. A couple posters hung on top of the plain wallpaper. A cat was hanging on a tree branch, trying his best to hang in there. One was detailing the skeleton and all the bones of the human body. She never could remember the lyrics to that song. What bone connected to the hip bone? Blair remembered seeing one poster at the vet that listed all the different breeds of dogs. It was sort of random that she remembered that right now, but it was still very cool. Still, Nothing out of the ordinary.

“Sweetie, are you okay?”

Blair turned and looked over at the front desk. She saw one of the attendants staring back at her with a worried look. “I’m fine.” Blair said. “Just waiting for my appointment. Do you know when Dr. Thomas will be available?”

“Dr. Thomas had to deal with a family emergency. He had to stepped out for a moment. He should be back soon enough.”

Great, Blair thought, more waiting. She knew something had felt off, like she had been here for too long. Like the gods had turn the clock back an extra hour just to mess with her. But a family emergency seemed much more likely. “I understand. Thank you.”

The attendant smiled as she leaned on the front counter, “Do want me to stay and keep you company? It’s a slow day today, and I really don’t mind.”

Blair fidgeted in her seat. The attendant seemed nice enough. But as much as Blair complained about being bored, she wasn’t in the mood for small talk. Even at her age, she was still awkward around strangers. Logically, she knew nothing bad was going to happen if she struck a conversation with this nurse. It was a gut feeling, and those tended not to be logical. “I’m fine, thank you.”

The nurse frown, “Alright dear. I just don’t want to see anyone giving you trouble. There’s lots of bad people who might snatch up a little cutie like you.” The nurse pointed to her nametag. “If you have any problems, just shout out for nurse Tia, alright?” With a wink, Tia left the stand and went back to work.

Blair felt her cheeks light up. Did she really look that young? She looked down at her outfit, suddenly feeling a lot smaller. The overalls she was wearing might have been the culprit. But she had a good reason for picking it today. She wanted something cute to wear to the doctor’s office. It sounded like a good reason, Blair thought, even if it wasn’t hers. No, of course it was hers. It’s not like someone else picked clothes for her. Blair was big now, more independent. Sure, she would struggle with the snaps sometimes, but those were minor setbacks. She had to be more responsible since she was growing up so fast. The lady behind the counter was probably just being nice. Maybe she had kids of her own, and her motherly instincts just so happened to kick in.

Glancing back at her phone, Blair saw that the next set of questions had loaded.

This next section is designed to test your consistency. Please continue to answer the questions quickly and honestly. Afterwards, that data will be compiled to build a final set of questions custom to you.

Blair felt nervous. Why was she feeling nervous? It’s not like she was going to be graded for this. She chose the perfect time to lose all that quiet anticipation from earlier. “Come on Blair,” she thought, “Just suck it up and finish this quiz.” This really wasn’t something she should have to hype herself up for.

Blair had many questions on her mind right now. Those could wait for later. The only questions that mattered right now were the ones on her phone screen.

Question 6: I like to be looked after.

Agree. Don’t focus on the wording, just pick the first answer that makes sense. She liked having mom look after her. She like having her friends from school look after her. Obviously, Blair could look after herself. But that wasn’t what the quiz was asking.

Question 7: Other people might describe me as energetic.

Agree. It never took much to get Blair started. A cup of juice in the morning, and she was on the move. In time, juice would be replaced by coffee. In time. Mom always said she was a little hellraiser. Mom had enough embarrassing stories to prove that claim as fact. In her younger days, Blair had a reputation for being a streaker. As soon as she figured out how to take off her diaper, she would run around the house stark naked. Time after time Dad had to chase his little girl around the room and remind her of common decency. It must have happened so long ago. And yet, the memory was so fresh in her mind. It was silly, really. She knew better now.

Question 8: I am a social butterfly.

Disagree. Blair had a few close friends, but that was it. Social butterfly was a stretch. Blair couldn’t help it, being so reserved. Many of the other girls in school were so mean. Calling her names, pulling on her hair. She been thankful when Mom pulled her out of school early, even if it was for a doctor’s appointment.

Blair blinked. Had she done something wrong? Maybe she was misremembering something, despite how unlikely that had seemed.  The day had been pretty unnoteworthy so far. She was having a fun day at school, enjoying reading time. The teacher got a call from Blair’s mother saying she had a doctor’s appointment. She remembered sulking in the backseat of mom’s car, still feeling embarrassed about her outfit.

Oh, her outfit! That was the problem. She was wondering earlier why she had picked it out. Truthfully, she hadn’t. Mom said she was still too little to choose what to wear. This spiraled into a heated discussion—a ‘temper tantrum’ as Mom called it—on the subject of Blair’s maturity. Blair argued that she wasn’t a little kid anymore, but a big girl with growing responsibilities. “I’m not going to be a little girl forever!” Blair had boldly claimed.

Mom had countered, “Regardless of how old you are, you still need to listen to your parents.” She had even used Blair’s recent accidents to leverage her claims, “The only reason we’re going to the doctor, is because someone keeps wetting the bed.” It was true, but still a low blow, nonetheless.

Just thinking about that made Blair squirm in her seat. She tugged at her skirt, hoping that nurse Tia hadn’t caught a glimpse of her pull-up earlier. The nurse lady had been so nice, and Blair hated the idea of being seen as a big baby. It was probably nothing, no reason to feel so antsy. Blair just wished her mom would come back from the bathroom soon. It was getting lonely out in the waiting room.

Blair looked back at her phone screen. She should just hurry up and finish. Mom hated it when she stayed on the phone for too long.

Question 9: I keep my emotions on a tight leash.

Blair let out an annoyed groan. Were online quizzes always so invasive? Truly, the question was a humility test. If she said no, she would be telling an obvious lie. Most people don’t get flustered over online questionnaires they’ve spent fifteen minutes on. Was it fifteen minutes? It had felt longer than that. She wasn’t sure what time she had started. Losing time was the goal, but the fact that she had lost it so easily worried her.

“Stop being paranoid.” Blair thought, “Focus on the question. It’s just a webpage. It’s not going to hurt you.”

If she said yes, that would fall in line with her spree of unyielding honesty. If she said no, then she would obviously be lying. And she just ­couldn’t do that now could she? And what better time to start being bashful than the ninth question? Blair had slowly realized that she was more honest with an online quiz then most of the people she knew. Just looking at the last few questions spell out her personality was eye-opening. Was this worth getting worked up over?

Disagree.

Question 10: I look forward to growing older.

Blair knew the answer before she even moved her finger. She just didn’t have the heart to admit it. It was painfully obvious. What was this quiz for again? Mental age? Blair scoffed, thinking back on all her choices thus far. She would be surprised if her age even reached the double digits. If nothing else, she probably got the high score for lowest age without even trying. What a humbling day this turned out to be.

“Fine.” Blair thought, “You win, quiz. I could learn to be more mature.” Whatever. It’s not like any of this mattered. It’s not like taking this stupid quiz will change anything. As soon as she hit confirm, she would still be stuck in the waiting room, feeling mad and lonely. Was there any real point in fighting with herself?

Strongly disagree.

Another loading screen. Another round of ‘follow the spinning wheel.’ Another flash of stilted confusion. Blair felt a trail of drool run down her lips as the seconds peeled by. She snapped her head back, dropping the device to the seat that was beside her. Mom was right. Staring at screens for too long was bad for you. She was relieved to look back up at the hospital waiting room. Yet, her relief quickly turned to sadness, as she realized her mother hadn’t come back yet. She was still waiting, still alone. Her head sunk into her knees. When was Mom coming back? It must have been forever ago since Blair had last saw her. She hadn’t left Blair and then run away, did she? Why did they have to fight? Why couldn’t Blair be a good girl, and just listen to her mother? Blair sniffled, and tears threaten to leak from her eyes.

“Blair, honey?” A familiar voice called to her. “Is everything okay?”

It was her. Same beautiful golden curls. Same full cheeks. The same wonderful person who always be there to hold her tight and make everything better. The same one who, Blair knew, would never hold a grudge over a silly argument. “Mommy!” Blair shouted. She leapt from her seat, snatching Mommy up in a great big hug. “I missed you!”

Mommy let out a surprised laugh, “Blair, calm down. I was only in the bathroom for three minutes. You don’t need to be dramatic.” Mommy took her hand and brushed some of her daughter’s hair aside. “Hey, can we talk for a second?”

“Yes, Mommy?” Blair looked up at her mother, both sets of eyes the same shade of ocean blue. Blair was ready to hang onto her mother’s every word. Even the big ones she didn’t know. Even if it meant Mommy was still mad about before.

“It’s about what happened this morning.” Mommy began, her tone softening, “I’m sorry about what I said before. About your condition. I know how hard you’ve been trying lately. Even with how hectic everything has been lately; you still been making excellent marks at daycare. I’m very proud of you, and I’m sorry for yelling this morning. Even grown-ups can make mistakes.”

“It’s okay, Mommy.” Blair said, her head nuzzling up against Mommy’s chest. Going to the doctor was a good idea. Blair should have just listened to Mommy from the start. There was a saying like that, something about moms knowing best, but Blair couldn’t remember it.

“I just get protective, is all. I’m a mom, it’s in my nature. You’ll always be my little girl. No matter how big you get. Never forget that, okay?” There was something hidden behind Mommy’s words. A sense of commanding, or finality?

“Okay Mommy.” Blair agreed. She didn’t stop to analyze the tone. Everything in her world felt correct. “I’m ready for my appointment now.”

Mommy familiar smile had returned, “Well, that’s good. But before that, there’s still one other appointment you need to go to….” Mommy turned in her seat, the confusion on her daughter face was plain as day. “…. One with the tickled monster!”

A second later and Blair was a giggling up a storm. The ‘tickle monster’ was as surprising as she was effective, and the poor girl was no match for her quick fingers. A small burst of pee splashed into her diaper, but Blair was too distracted to notice. She was having fun. Mommy was having fun. Those feelings mattered more.

“Feeling better?”

“Uh-huh!” Blair tugged on her mother’s shirt sleeve, “Mommy, can I have the tabby back?”

Mommy stood up, now noticing the device she had been sitting on, “Whoops. Here you go.” Mommy stood up and handed the tablet to her daughter. “There’s still some time left before your appointment. You play and I’ll tell you when it’s time to go.”

The tablet featured an ocean blue case decorated with a sea of cartoon smiling fish Not exactly a marvel, but it suited Blair fine. Besides, she more important things to worry about. She had a quiz to finish.

Congratulations on making it this far into the quiz! I’m so proud of you! Before we give the results, we a few last extra-special questions for you. Thanks for stopping by!

Yay, more quiz! Blair was already having so much fun. She couldn’t remember all the details, but the warm feeling running through her was a good sign. She needed to hurry and finish up before it was time to see the doctor.

Question 11: I enjoyed this quiz.

Just like before, there were four options for Blair to choose from. Two smiley faces and two frowny ones.

The question sounded very gen…something. Gen-nary-ich? Some word she knew or heard one time. A word that meant ‘not different.’ But that couldn’t be true, the questions were all made ’specially for her. The quiz said so! Besides, Blair had enjoyed the quiz. It kept her company while Mommy was away, help clear up the confusions in her head. Smiley.

Question 12: I would ask a friend to take this quiz.

Yup! Blair knew lots of other kids at daycare who love to play games on their tabbies. She could even show it to one of the teachers she got the chance. Big smiley!

Question 13: I am okay with the results of this quiz.

Big smiley! Blair knows that she tried her best, and that’s what mattered. Blair tapped the flashing arrow, excited to see her results. There was no waiting this time. No load screen was needed. Instantly, the result screen was staring her dead in the face.

You are right where you need to be! Your mental age perfectly matches your outward age.

Test accuracy: 97%

Honesty rating: 94%

Likely of mental age increasing: 4%

“Blair, sweetie, it’s time to go.” Mommy tapped her daughter on the shoulder, “The doctor is ready to see us now.” It was a statement of fact. Not an order, more than a suggestion.

Blair had finished her game, she was satisfied. “Okay, Mommy.” Blair knew the routine well. She handed the device off to her mother. It was okay for the tablet to go bye-bye for a little while. After this, she had the whole afternoon to find more fun games to play.

The doctor’s office was the same as ever. Same colorful wallpaper adorned with polka dots. The same informational posters taped over said walls, some of which had words that see didn’t know yet. And yes, the same jar of candy that teased her at every visit. There it was. Her pot of gold.

“Hello there, Mrs. Winters,” Dr. Thomas said, “How are we doing today?” Blair recognized the man almost immediately. She had come to see him with Mommy or Daddy one or two times before. Blair liked him because not just because he gave her candy, but also because he was nice. His beard was fluffy and white, and it made him look like Santa Claus. Except Santa wasn’t bald, she thinks, and Santa wasn’t skinny, she knows.

“We’re doing just fine, thank you. I’m bringing Blair in for her checkup today.” Mommy glanced down at the girl, her precious little one, while rubbing Blair’s shoulders. Mommy made idle chatter as she helped Blair on the exam table. The rustle of the exam table’s paper cover mixed with crinkle of her diaper, producing a symphony of white noise. “How are you today, doctor? The nurse told me you had to deal with a family emergency today.

“It was nothing too serious.” He waved a hand nonchalantly, “Just a little trouble with my youngest, William. He’s about Blair’s age, actually.

“Oh, William Thomas? Yes, he’s in Blair class right now. Are you and Will friends, Blair?”

Willy was okay, sometimes. But some he was jerk head and horded all the blocks during playtime. Blair thought, but thought didn’t say. Thoughts like that were inside-thoughts, ones not to blurt out in public, and those didn’t help her get candy. Blair nodded, “Uh-huh, Willy is okay.”

The doctor continued, “My wife couldn’t get him to eat carrot sticks today. She thought he might have an upset stomach or something. Turns out the only reason he was acting fussy was because he didn’t have his tablet. I don’t know if it was right to buy him one so early.”

“They’re a blessing and a curse. Blair’s been more complacent ever since we got her one. But I’m worried that she may be spending too much time on it. We’ll have to wait and see.”

“I guess so…” Dr. Thomas tapped his clipboard with a pen. “Alrighty then. Now, how old is Blair?”

Mommy had knowing smile on her face. “Go on Blair. You know this one. How old are you?”

How old… Oh! Blair did know this one. She learned how to do this one yesterday ago. She took her left hand and pointed up two fingers. Two, but not just two. Two was too small. She hadn’t been two since forever. She took her right hand and made another two fingers. Two twos. 22. Yup, she was two twos old. Much more than two or one two. “This many!” Blair said, feeling proud.

“Wow!” Thomas said, no doubt impressed by sight of a no-so-grown woman remembering her age. “That’s very good Blair. Watch out, mom. I think we have a gifted child on her hands.” Blair didn’t know exactly what he meant. But she heard the word ‘gift’ and figured it had to be something good.

Mommy chuckled. “She’s a quick learner. I’ve been told she was turning heads at Daycare. Who knows? Maybe if she ever grows up, you two might be colleagues.”

Blair didn’t comment. Playing doctor didn’t sound like much fun right now. Blair had p to play her stacking games now, making towers and towers of blocks. Crashing them down with satisfying sounds. Maybe she could be a monster when she grew up. Or one of those people that make old buildings go boom.

Thomas went back to tapping his clipboard. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Okay then.” The doctor turned his attention back to his patient, “Blair, have you been eating well?”

“Uh huh.” Blair nodded, “I always eat all my food when Mommy makes it. I even eat all the veggies and Mommy doesn’t even have to ask me to.”

“Three square meals? Plenty of fluids?”

“Believe me,” Mommy cut in, patting down Blair’s diaper bag, “She been drinking plenty.”

“Glad to hear it. Now then…” Dr. Thomas’ voice began to trail off. “You wanted to discuss her condition.

Her condition. The reason Mommy and her were fighting. The reason she was felt so bad today. She shook her head trying to find the answer, came up with nothing consistent. Something important. Something obvious? Her condition…

“I think it might be hearing lost.” Mommy sharply cut in once more. “She keeps having these dizzy spells. Her teachers say that sometimes she’ll zone out and won’t saying anything.”

“Hmmm…” The doctor pondered, stroking his beard. “Okay, give me a moment.”

The doctor walked over to his drawers on the other side of the room. Blair couldn’t see what he was doing, could only hear metal clattering against metal. She had hoped was doing well so far. Blair answered all her questions honestly, didn’t overthink any of them.

“Alright, let’s take a look.” Dr. Thomas returned, holding up a strange looking device. The looked like someone glued an oil can to a stick. The silver sheen made the tool look cold and unfriendly. But Blair was familiar with it and recognized it as the ‘ear-thingy’, one of the many complex tools doctors used to make people feel better. True to its name, the doctor leaned over, stuck the device into Blair’s ear, and peered inside.

“Well, everything looks in order. I don’t think—hey, look at that!” The doctor shouted in faux surprise, “You’ve got a bird nest in here. Coo, coo, coo.”

Blair wasn’t impressed. She has fallen for the ‘fake bird’ bit a few times before and had wised up since then. She wasn’t a total baby. Dr. Thomas cooed a few coo-coos before getting back to business.

The check-up was as routine as ever. Dr. Thomas’ jokes? As lame as ever. Blair was unfazed when he pretended her heart was a jackhammer. When he used the hammer-thingy to tap her legs, Blair didn’t laugh at being called an ‘up-and-coming kickboxer.’ There was a chance it hurt her odds of getting candy, but Mommy always told Blair it was bad to lie.

“I can safely say that Blair has a clean bill of health. I think the only thing she’s missing is a good sense of humor.” Dr. Thomas winked.

“That’s a relief. Blair, are you ready to go?”

Blair squirmed in her seat, her eyes still on the prize. Should she say something? After all, she hadn’t endured the world’s worst comedy routine for nothing.

“Ah, ah! There’s one last thing.” The good doctor returned, candy jar nestled like a newborn babe, “Every special patient deserves a special treat.” Dr. Thomas popped open the glass lid open, presenting Blair with a sea of possible prizes.

The Reese’s cup was the obvious choice. She snatched at the orange delight and unwrapped it in an instant. In just one bite, her taste buds were in a peanuty-chocolatey bliss. “So good!” Blair thought. So worth it.

***

“Hi nurse Tia!” Blair blurted out, happy to see a friendly familiar face at the front desk.

“Hey there, little lady. Where you a good girl for the Doctor?”

“Yeah! I got a piece of candy and everything!” Blair had already eaten the evidence, so Tia would have to take her word for it.

“That’s great honey.” Tia’s sincerity was as plain as the smile on her face. She turned over to Mommy, carry over the same warm expression. “Are you ready to check out now?”

Mommy nodded, “Yes, that’s right. Now, when can we schedule or next appointment? I was thinking maybe sometime in December…”

Blair proceeded to drown out all the boring grown-up talk. She had other thoughts on her mind right now. What would she do now that she was out of school early? Was there anything good on TV at this time of day? She could only wonder. Another, much more immediate query, was also being asked of her right now.

What to do about the rumble in her tummy? It was a question Blair’s body posed time and time again, one she was ready to answer automatically. She squatted down, still clutching Mommy’s hand, and got to work. Cheeks puffed out; all it was one push for the landslide to start. A wave of mush landed inside her diaper, accompanied by the sounds grunts and crinkling plastic. A brief pause and another round of sticky mush arrived, the diaper now sagging under its new weight, threating to touch the floor. Just after, a growing hiss came from the front. Her bladder got the memo, decided now was best time to let loose. Blair let a sigh of relief.

Ready for potty training? Disagree. The state of Blair’s diaper was clear evidence of that fact. She was already such a natural with diapers and saw no reason to stop now. It was a tried-and-true solution to an everyday problem.

“All done?” Mommy asked, that same warm smile on her face. She had squatted to meet Blair at eye-level. At this point, seeing her daughter poop herself hardly came as the surprise. It was more of a matter of ‘when’ rather than ‘if.’ “How about we get you cleaned up?” Mommy took Blair’s hands in her own, stood back up and… Upsy daisy! She lifted her back up, a wobble in her step thanks to some recently added weight. Mommy held Blair’s hand and the pair walked off to the bathroom together, a telling waddle in Blair’s gait.

They entered the bathroom, Mommy lifted Blair onto the changing table, as effortless as the last dozen times. “Tabby?” Blair asked, pointing at the diaper bag. Sure, she was about to get her bum wiped by Mommy. But that didn’t me she couldn’t play a game while she waited. Blair wasn’t the one doing the heavy lifting. At least, not once the diaper came off.

“Well, you have been good today.” Mommy rummaged in the diaper bag, pulling out the tablet. Blair greedily accepted, already forgetting about her status on the changing table. The screen came to life, and Blair was flicking through the home screen, looking for new games to play. Blair struggled to read the app titles; whether it was because the text was too small or because they were made up of words she didn’t knew, she couldn’t be sure. Blair simply picked the one with the most fetching icon. She picked one, and soon saw a funny looking animal roll through a dessert. The animal unfurled and introduced herself.

“Howdy partners! My name’s Amy Dillo! I’m glad you’re here! I’ve gotten myself in a real pickle today. All my shapes broke out of their pens this morning. I need you to help get all my shapes back in the pen before sundown. Think you can handle it?

The screen displayed a set of corrals, each with a sign displaying a different shape. The game seemed simple enough. Drag all the shapes into the correct pen as quickly as possible. Tapes scrunched and peeled back as Mommy got to work. Meanwhile, Blair got to work in her own way. Blair was an expert when it came to shapes. A fresh diaper and a high score were great notes to end the morning on. Blair shivered as she felt something cold rub against her tush. Still, that didn’t stop her, as she drag a circle across the digital farm. Triangle goes there, square goes there…

“Bum up,” Mommy requested.

Blair complied automatically. She hoisted up her rear, her focus still on the game. She tapped on a new icon, one that looked like rope. It was power-up! With her new lasso, she could now wrangle up three shapes at once. Victory smelled so sweet…or was that baby powder? Either way, Blair felt satisfied. The digital sun began to set as the screen took on an orange hue. A score board pulled up showing a set of big numbers and three gold stars.

“Great job! But we’re not done yet. It looks like while we were busy, all the colors got out. You up for another round?”

The colors had escaped too? Amy must be really bad at her job. New sets of corrals scrolled onto the screen. Signs in front of them colored red, blue, green, and yellow, respectively. While Blair’s bum landed on something soft and familiar, different blobs of various colors floated on screen. More tapes scrunched and peeled, more colors to wrangle.

Mommy huffed. “I really hope this isn’t turning into an addiction.” Mommy nudged the distracted adult-baby on the elbow, “Come on honey, time to go.”

Blair was felt hands on her shoulder, was pretty sure she was standing up now. She was well-acquainted with the feel of a fresh diaper and knew everything had gone well. There were still colors to catch…

It wasn’t until she heard the snaps of the car seat that she paused the game. They must have made it back to the car while Blair was playing. “How about we take a break,” Mommy suggested, “You’ve been playing all morning, and it’s getting close to your nap time.”

As if on cue, Blair stretched her arms and let out a big yawn. “Okay Mommy.” She handed over the table shifted in her seat, trying to find a comfortable spot to rest. Amy and she would have to play another day…

Mommy strapped herself into the driver’s side seat. Looking down at her daughter’s device, she started to worry. Was it really a good idea, buying this for her? All this modern technology was so confusing. Who knows what ill effect being overexposed to a screen all day could have on Blair? If nothing else, Blair needed some good physical activity to balance herself out. “Since you’ve so good today, how about we swing by the park? School hasn’t let out yet, so it shouldn’t—oh!”  

Blair was already fast asleep, a trail of drool running down her shirt. It seemed her naptime had come earlier than expected. No matter. Mommy had all the time in the world to spend with her precious little girl.

“Never mind,” Mommy said, “No more questions for today.”