Feeling smol (personal feelings from xmas)

[Softwolf]

Being home for Christmas since evening starting to embrace my little side is such a mixed bag of emotions. It’s so nostalgic and brings up happy memories of family and Christmas morning in my pajamas but, it’s clouded by the idea of not being able to express that outside of venting like this and a small notebook I keep on my person that scares me so much to have I keep my thoughts behind puzzles, codes, references and double meanings that are so personal it wouldn’t make complete sense to anyone else. Plus due to one of my sisters getting C19 we have been in the same house for almost two weeks now and can’t leave in the interest of public health. Christmas morning hasn’t been what it was like for my little side in quite some time and jumping back into that after suppressing what I thought wasn’t my true feelings and emotions and an innocent part of myself is confusing. Only looking on it now can I see how it’s shaped my personality that my extended family see and friends when we first meet and don’t know each other yet, a quite gentleman, likes to keep to himself, always thinking, not much for conversation. I feel like I understand a bit better of what people mean when they talk about building walls around yourself. I want to talk about it to my sisters or friends but I can’t convince myself thats not a crazy idea, I feel like we are in a good place and tell them hey you know when I hung up the face time for a phone call or when we were playing halo I was in a diaper. I want to have a conversation but unfortunately don’t want the miss-understanding, judgement, shame, ostracizing that could and has happened when opening up about things in the past, well dad if you made me hate drawing so much that I threw my notebook of just doodling in a fire in the middle of the night I can’t imagine what would happen in any capacity to tell you personally what motivates a portion of my life and the rent on the single apartment when both pay for and how it’s helped me start a journey of self discovery and rediscovery and the start of the much longer journey of self acceptance and hopefully someday someone’s acceptance of all of me who I never have to lie to for no reason to lie to about in small interests like my favorite anime or what was on my youtube feed or if I just want to be treated smoll sometimes or draw or that I like the furry community just someone who I truly don’t want to hide anything from. Someone to make it so a hug can feel good and not a chore or just hold hands with.

sorry if this is too much or the wrong place I just had been feeling a lot and need to put my thoughts on a less findable place then paper.