Forty Below

[Skara]

December 4, 2019

-40c

As you might guess from today's temperature reading, I live somewhere cold. Like, really cold. It's almost unbearable for most of the year here. This wouldn't be so bad if being inside didn't feel so much like being in prison. There aren't a lot of people here, and none of them are as exciting as my Katya. She would be mine, if she knew me.

Well, probably not, as much as I wish it wasn't so. Let me explain. There's a lot I want to pour out on some pages. Reading was one of my only escapes, though it gets tiring to reread the same old books. Until we get the internet in a couple of years, the next best option is to write. The date for it keeps getting revised back, it was originally slated for 2017 when I was in my last year of high school.

I wish I didn't have to live here. I really wish I could go somewhere else but I'm stuck. Katya wouldn't miss me, I wouldn't miss her either if I had the whole world. I'm sick of living with my parents.

On account of the cold, it's tough getting running water out here. We have to thaw snow most of the year in order to get water for our kettles and sponges. It looks like a lot of work. We don't have an indoor bathroom. Only a tub that we fill with hot water freshly heated over the woodstove, and an outhouse which is bone-chilling to use at the moment. I hate to admit it in writing, but I don't usually go out there anymore. It's a shame even to confess this to a piece of paper, but I usually wear diapers now. It wasn't always like this. Sometimes I feel guilty about it but other times I give in to their easy comfort and convenience.

I know mom works hard repairing clothes and boots for people around town, works extra to afford dry diapers for me. It's not that I don't need them, I still use them almost every night without waking. But sometimes in the morning I change into another one and lie around. It looks like there are so many of them anyway, they're neatly placed in stacks around two feet high by the foot of my bed. Some days, I wear them all day rather than go outside in the cold. It sounds cushy that I can pee away in these, but I don't know.

This paper is taunting me, it's saying I should just get up and go rather than be lazy. It's not that simple but maybe the page has a point.

I was born with legs that are crooked, it makes it hard to walk. I can do it fine, but only slowly. What I did to deserve this fate I do not know, but I felt the pain of it from early on. Feeling different and unable can really wither the heart. I wish people were more accepting here. I also wish I wasn't such a runt.

December 13, 2019

I was out walking earlier, and I saw Katya with a man. They were smiling, and so were the long trails of breath behind them, curling about slowly in the sunlit chilly air. The pain's almost too much to bear. I don't know what to do. I guess I can only accept it.

I forgot to take a reading from the thermometer outside the kitchen window this morning. It's -29c now.

January 21, 2020

-56c

It's so bleak outside with the snow. Despite that I feel pretty good today. There's something comforting about knowing you're safe in your home when it's deadly cold out. I found a huge pile of candles in the attic, and have a few lit. I can see the reflection of their lights in the gloss of my window.

It's been over minus 50 for a week now. I haven't been outside in a while. It's times like these that it's nice to still be in diapers. I have been trying to count my blessings.

I recently got a few books in the mail, it feels like Christmas. One of them is a long autobiography about time spent in a prison camp. Another is a book of poems written by an American woman. Another still is about, well I don't really know what. It looks like a textbook. I tried to get stuff that was on sale so I could buy more at once.

June 28, 2020

The flowers are really nice this time of year. We have these tiny looking ones that shoot out of the tundra between the rocks. Their orange petals and yellow centres are breathtaking. It's hard to believe there are so many of them, all as beautiful and unique as the next.

August 4, 2020

Been outside so much lately that my skin's gone pretty brown. I have been trying to help out around the house where I can. It's been my pleasure. "Follow your heart and allow yourself to grieve." It was a line in the poem book I read over the winter. I like it.

We have the internet. It's not as great as I thought it would be before. Maybe I don't need it now.

November 12, 2022

I recently got the hang of chopping wood for the hungry woodstove. It's a lot of fun.

Still don't always go to the outhouse. It's well-fed enough, and happiest when no one's hanging around inside it.

November 12, 2023

Thought I'd grab out this old journal and jot something down, but I don't really have anything I want to say.

January 21, 2026

My sister's expecting a son soon. We've been busy getting ready for the new arrival at the family home. She wants to name him after me.

December 8, 2029

Not much has changed in this old room of mine. Just a few more shelves with books now. It's so nice here in the winter months when the sky stays dark. So much easier to stargaze this way. I saw three comets tonight after I put out the candles and sat by the window. I could feel the cold radiating off of it from sitting so close. It was nice enough that I wanted to light a candle quick and pen it down, to share it with my future self.

Not much has changed, no. I'm even wearing the same brand of diapers I wore a decade ago. They still make them, and they're gentle on my skin.

I wonder if I should save up for a telescope. Been looking at the stars a lot lately. Maybe I'll write more, too.

[Kaleros]

Interesting story. Poetic and nice seeing an ABDL story set in the arctic circle. Do you think of continuing the story?

[Skara]

Thank you! Not sure if I'll add to it more or not. Might do more stories in the future set in chilly places.