Owning Up To You Heart, And Making It Count When It Matters The Most

[Nicky in your Arms]

At the age of 2 1/2, I had something happen to me that changed me forever. It wasn't a traumatic experience or something horrible that happened to me, but it instantly turned me into an infantilist. Although, I had no idea that a love for diapers was infantilism until I was almost 20, I spent my entire life having an infatuation with the idea of being in diapers and being taken care of by a "Mommy", if you will. (My blog on this site tells that story.)

I am convinced that I will always have the desire to be an AB. It will never leave me, and that's okay because I really don't want it to leave me.

I'm not really sure what that will mean when it comes to marriage (should I ever get married), but I know I'll always have this feeling within me.

As I have gotten older and spent more time with my AB thoughts, I begin to wonder what it is about being an AB that I admire the most. And while I'm sure I'll discover many more things about it that I feel a "pull" from, it comes down to 3 things for me:

#1 - The diaper (obviously). Not only does it represent so many things visually, but it also makes me feel dependent and somewhat "needy". Those are very awkward emotions for me to feel. I haven't felt them since I was very young, but when I'm wearing a diaper, they not only are on my mind, but they have a strong effect over me and make me want to be ...

#2 - Feeling Little. This may be the kingpin of all of it for me. As an adult, I never feel little. I'm fully grown, and a fully functioning adult. As an AB, I want to feel "little", and exist in a place that regards me as being little.

#3 - This is really on the heavier side of all of it, very in-depth in thought or future discovery, Firstly ... I'm straight. and My relationships really need to either include infantilism or at least be aware of it. Future girfriends/mates/wife have to know how I feel about this diaper thing. They don't need to participate, but they have to know. And I have to be honest with them about it.

Herein lies my current point-of-growth with regards to infantilism:

If I will always have infantilism on the mind, if it will always be within me - Will I be able to choose between being an AB or true love if the situation presented itself in that fashion, and I had to pick one or the other, but not both?

To this very moment, I still can't answer that question. Hopefully, I'll never have to.