My Incontinence Journal *updated Daily*

[NappyHappy]

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[Creepymouse]

Very cool, but you ought to update the post in a reply, instead of an edit, so others know you've posted something new. Some of us only read the 'What's new since your last visit', and edited posts don't show up.

I'm sorry to see you haven't posted since ten days ago. I admire your effort, I went four months on the program, though I couldn't do the bowel program since I have an odd problem with my digestion that causes very uncomfortable, squishy, burning messes, and it doesn't matter what I eat.

I hope you're still 'going'

[Guest jstepp09]

Hello guys, sorry if I look like I'm hijacking this thread. Been a lurker for awhile, and thought I should share my story..

Diary of a DL

The point of this document is to shed light into a world where many claim to tread, and still more are unfortuante victims of circumstance.

While my job is mundane, in my spare time I enjoy sociology. That is, I have an innate curosity and drive to learn and understand what makes people tick. And while this journal's goal is not to be a thesis of any sorts, the overall experiment has a tragic root.

Last year I had to go to a funeral for my cousin. She was only 26, and sadly, did not die of any natural causes or accidents. In December of 1999 she was excited about finally having her car, and was more than happy to do some christmas shopping for her parents.Living in Michigan the roads during the winter have a tendancy to ice up. Inevitably with her new found freedom and lack of experience she did hit some ice, skidding into a cement divider on a highway. Thankfully no one was killed in the car, however she did take the brunt of the damage. What followed was a couple of years of rehabilitation, but being young her body healed it's self with a lot of effort and TLC.

But there was one injury she never got over, which had rendered her incontinent of both her bowels and bladder. As you can imagine, a young woman of 17, still in high school, had some tough adjustments to make. Over the years she tried to deal with her disability, but ultimately became rather insecure and withdrawn. A cloud of depression staid over her head until 2005, when she chose to take her life.

Our friendship remained strong until the end, and I had tried on many occasions to help her cope with her incontience and depression. I never once hinted at feeling used even when she would call me at 3 am in the morning in tears. However, I suppose, nothing I could ever do or say would have helped heal her.

Being in the field of IT I have used the net for many years, even at a time when the web simply did not exist and Fidonet was your best connection to another world. I have met and known many people in the AB/DL community, mostly in connection with trying to find a ray of hope or places for my cousin to express her feelings and meet with people who shared similar obstacles in every day life.

I remember wetting the bed until I was about 6. I can recall a couple of sleep overs at friends houses that were less than fun just because of having to sleep in a diaper. I wasn't the most outgoing kid until I got over the bed wetting.

In my search to understand what my cousin has gone through, though, I have ran into a couple of roadblocks. Mainly, at least for me, while I have spoken with people who wear diapers for various reasons at all times the scope and depth of their everyday life just isn't easily conveyed. At least not enough for me. And so with much trepidation and plenty of forethought I am about to embark on a journey to better understand those who are incontinent, and the fight my cousin had to endure everyday it seems to be happy about her situation.

The only way to fully understand the severity of this socially stigmitized disability is to of course "be" incontinent. For the purposes of my research I will wear and use diapers all day, everyday, for the better part of a year or more. Understandably I think, however, I will not seek to gain incontinence and will not use diapers for number two. This experiment is only to aproximate the condition which many people are left in, and are sadly (and perhaps needlessly) insecure about. I just don't know.

Its important to note that before the end of last year I accepted a new contract with a company in California. So while I no longer reside in Michigan, and thus, can't truly understand the nature of being incontinent in that community, I have no reason to believe California will be any easier to live with this condition.

January 6th, 2007

I have been at my new condo for a little over a month. The discussion of the contract and my new job has been on the table for awhile now. My friend, the HR manager, has hired me effortlessly. I have seriously considered this little investigation for many months, and I have already told my long time friend over the phone that I have become incontinent although the cause has not been found yet. I have to say, before anyone judges me, I do have a conscious. This fib of mine has put me in a moral quandary. But, who the hell would wear diapers for fun? Okay, I know some of you do. And thats fine, because at this point, I have no room to talk.

My first big outting while being diapered was a harrowing one, as I walked through airport security and had prepared a diaper bag for a carry on. While my cheeks blushed being singled out for a random search, the guard was nonchalant and did not mention anything about the diapers in my carry on.

Admittedly, I have been diapered since mid December, if only to get used to the idea and prepare. But as one might suspect with a move such as this, almost halfway across the country, I have not been able to really sit down and begin to write this journal. That is why its taken so long to get around to it.

January 14th, 2007

Work has been tedious, but mundane. As far as diapers at work, it took a lot out of my emotional state and I had seriously considered not going into this job wearing them. Even though I have been in diapers constantly for about a month, the experience is still jarring. But of course I couldn't deny wearing diapers anymore, being that my friendly HR manager has had a discussion with my fellow employees and management on my condition. Standard procedure, I suppose.

Everyone has been supportive. I have begun to fit the bill of someone who is incontinent, at least outwardly trying to pass off the condition and to be as silent about it as I can.

I find that wearing diapers, while not yet routine, has become less of a novelty. Its not that I've ever been attracted to wearing them like some have, its just that I have begun to get used to the feeling of wearing them and being wet. The catch to this is, though, I'm finding it easier to wet myself. I'm not sure if this is something I should be cautious about, and my mixed research on the internet bares little conclusions that I can make.

January 29th, 2007

Work life is alright. Personal life is a bit lonesome, but I'm still unpacking my items and moving into the new condo. Diapers are still negligible in terms of interferring with my daily life, but admittedly, I'm not doing much but going to work, home, and back again. My incontinence may prove to be an issue later, I'm sure.

Feb 9th, 2008

I am now approaching two months in diapers all the time, being "incontinent." So far due to my limited interaction with people it has not been hard to whether the stigma of being in diapers as an adult. I am finding myself wetting easier and easier as time goes on, and after enduring a bit of diaper rash I have also shaved my pubic region.

I realize one crucial feeling I cannot understand at this point that people who are faced with incontinence have, and that is generally the shock of the sudden realization that they will need to wear diapers or a cathader to keep themselves from being humiliated. This sudden shock that some go through I assume to be heart wrenching, and I myself, have not needed to face that scenario. I have a leg up on those who have a legitimate medical need by planning this out carefully and going into it slowly.

I feel horrible, really. But I am determined to see this project out. Maybe I should seek mental help, as I'm sure many are speaking to themselves as they read this. But I am steadfast in my belief that ultimately this strange research I am conducting will help many out there on either side of the fence.

Feb. 16, 2007

I don't have much to say, honestly. I think these weekly entries are becoming a bit tedious and are not doing much but creating filler.

Personally, I am coping with being diapered as best as I can. Unlike many, I can always go "welp, that was interesting but I'm glad it's over."

I did eat out with some co-workers a couple of nights ago at a local bar. It was fun, we watched the game, and after a couple of beers I excused myself and had to change. Thankfully it was a one stall affair, I was able to lock the door and not have to worry about someone walking in.

I only hope that my luck can hold out. While I have been diapered since mid December, my nerves have been tested on numerous occasions. I am just now settled into the routine of going to work. People, again, are not at all questioning or making fun of me. As I would expect adults to act.

March 1st, 2007

The weather here has been weird. A lot of rain coming on. In mid March I will have been in diapers aproximately 4 months. To be honest, I have yet to find anything but embarassment here and there. I did leak accidentally about a week ago at work, but I had prepared a change of clothes for this purpose. After some red cheeks and whispers (I was probably being more paranoid than needed.) I changed and everything went back to normal. My chair dried off over lunch...

March 3rd, 2007

After approaching a single and fun girl at work, Amy, whom hangs out with the same crowd I've been invited into on occasion she had some reservations for a date. However fleeting these reservations were, I don't think I'm wrong in assuming it is over my incontience.

My cousin had trouble finding boyfriends that would stick around too long. Which is sad, because not only was she a pretty girl but she had a great personality. But I'm in for a first date with Amy. And I hope it goes well. I'll let you know...

March 5th, 2007

Amy and I hit it off a bit. We talked about various things, we both share some common interests. She for example is into WoW, just like I am. But unlike her gung-ho attitude towards it, I'm a bit more catious for fear of jumping off the edge of sanity right into the fun and fury of this fake world.

We're both independents, we both like electronica, and we both enjoy reading CSI stuff. I gave her a kiss good night, but did not invite her upstairs (as much as I would have loved to.) because I did not want to seem like I was pursuing her for a quick hit as guys tend to. She's a pretty, slender brunette with beautiful green eyes. Hopefully it's the first date of many.

March 13th, 2007

Not much more to report about my diapered days. My bladder has been feeling funny lately sometimes though, almost like its "spasming" or something. I really havn't noticed until recently how much I've been wetting more often. I think my bladder may be shrinking, but I still feel it and I still feel that I'm controlling myself down there easily. It is much easier to wet than it used to be, when I first started wearing. Its not even much of a second thought before I begin to let go.

And even though I've been having to "go" more often, my control has not suffered much.

March 21st, 2007

A second date with Amy went very well, surprisingly. Today we went to a place called Knotts Berry Farm, which I guess is a pretty old theme park. Supposedly the first in the US. We spent almost all day there, ate at a Johnny Rockets, and road every ride we could. Except for the water rides, because its still pretty cool out. That, and I'm sure my diaper would baloon up.

Unlike our first date we spent the whole night and day together, she even slept over. You can take that anyway you want, but I'm going to spare the details for obvious reasons.

She did ask what it was like to be incontinent. I kinda fumbled, nobody has really asked me that question so openly and honestly. I told her the truth as I know it right now: its no big deal if you don't get out often. I have been a bit of a recluse since the move and since I started wearing. I thought I could get over the fears of being in public, and I'm sure I will in time, although I don't know how much longer I want to keep it up. December this year will be one year. I'll get my medical benefits sometime in July during open enrollment. I may opt to start seeing a urologist at this time.

But the dynamics of lying to a doctor are many. I don't know. Maybe I am crazy, afterall, anyway.

Truthfully, though, I am beginning to fear the outcome of this experiment in relations to my well being. As I have mentioned previously, as time goes on, wetting has been becoming easier and easier, and as the weeks pass, its pretty much second nature. I also feel naked without a diaper on, weirdly enough. It feels good, but it almost feels like I'm missing something, too. I don't know.

April 2nd, 2007

I met Amy's parents last weekend. That went off well and without a hitch. I was interviewed as one might suspect the parents do when their daughter is an only child. But her mother seemed to like me, as well as her father. I'm not sure if they knew I was incontinent or not, as we ate out at a place called Claim Jumper. Luckily I did not need to change over the course of the meal. It would have been harrowing to do, as the bathroom had many stalls.

My bladder continues to spasm, my frequency continues to gain. The other day I even woke up wet, and I honestly can't remember if I went to bed that way or not. I hope I did.

April 14th, 2007

5 months into my social experiment has given me a bit of insight to the life an incontinent person must live. But honestly, I have yet to find the stinging hopelessness that my cousin felt for many years.

I'm beginning to wonder how this experiment may be flawed. I wonder if it is more or less because of her complete lost of her bodily functions. But she did take a substance which reduced the smell, almost completely, really, of her bowel movements.

Amy and I are hanging out almost everyday, and our relationship continues to grow. Yesterday we watched a few movies on my couch and just lounged around all day drinking and having a good time. She remarked sarcastically, a bit envious that I really didn't have to get up much during our session to use the bathroom. Tonight we're going to Patsy's to meet up with some of our coworkers for a few drinks and dinner. I think I'm going to do some karoke this time.

June 3rd, 2007

My work life has been hectic, Amy and I have had a couple of fights due to stress on my part. We have decided to stop seeing each other for awhile. I guess I've become a bit different since this experiment began, and a disturbing trend of bedwetting and feeling myself pee but not "telling" my body to go has paid a toll.

I almost want to tell her about this. And I think I want to quit. But curosity still gets the better of me, and at this point I probably deserve any issues wearing diapers 24/7 can create.

June 11th, 2007

About six months ago I was convinced by the myriad of postings I have read on the internet that a lot of the hub-bub about those becoming diaper dependent was largely a farce. I'm beginning to feel that this is incorect. Because I have eased myself into this lifestyle and was (falsely) self assured that I'd come out of this experiment with a lot of knowledge and nothing else, I'm starting to see the error of my ways.

I've begun to lurk on a few IRC channels in the infantilism community but have not spoken much. After all, its IRC. Most of the time the chat tends to be quiet, anyways. I've sought around for a couple of incontinence chats, recalling some book marks I gave my cousin so many years ago. But I refuse to make this experiment become any stranger by inventing some false persona trying to gain sympathy from a group of people who suffer from a disability I'm apparently beginning to fall head long into. It just wouldn't be right.

July 3rd, 2007

Amy and I have begun to hang out again. We're not exactly seeing each other, but not exactly "friends" per se. There's benefits, as many say, with our friendship. The other day we went to my jacquizzi and I felt something more than the water jets flowing. I have tried to put off thinking about such things, but I have begun to reach the conclusion that if I continue on much longer with wearing diapers and not try to stem the tide of the control loss I will end this experiment with much more than I bargined for. Its starting to drive me crazy, really....

September 6th, 2007

I havn't written much because I have begun to become a workaholic. Amy has seen this and has figured something was up, but I have not even tried to begin to explain the situation I have found myself in. After nearly eight months in diapers I wet most of the time without realizing it, except for the end of the event. I do feel my bladder fill, but it empties probably about 60 percent of the time without much thought from me. I can hold it, but the overwhelming need to go is so strong that its ultimately useless.

I either have the choice of giving up this experiment or to risk needing to repottytrain. This has been apparent for a few months, and that is why I've buried my nose into my work. Today I have decided that if I end up needing diapers I deserve it.

Amy doesn't need to be worried about this whole subject, and I should stop trying to feel self pity. Its my own dumb ass fault for ending up in this mess.

I'm starting to see where my cousin may have begun to feel left out in life, I think.

Then again, I've been ultimately operating under the idea of "being" incontinent; that is, I've had control, I've had the self assurance that at any time I could get off the ride. Now that this option has begun to go down the drain, I'm really beginning to feel what I think an incontinent person feels about their situation. Hopeless, helpless, and needlessly like they're something "less" than human.

But I am human, even if I'm a crazy one.

September 16th, 2007

Last week I begun to see a counselor. Amy insisted, and even offered to go. I told her that would not be the best idea. She felt a bit taken aback, I think, but ultimately let it roll off her shoulders.

It has been hard to explain this situation to my counselor, but he is a very gentle and understanding old guy. In the same weird way I've come to this point in my life, he completely understands the psychological reasoning behind my diaper wearing and journal keeping.

He feels that rather than tackling the diaper issue, I need to work on coping with my cousins death. I suppose I will.

I have yet to really feel suicidal over these months, even knowing that at this point every day I'm diapered is one step closer to needing them. But I am in some crazy fashion more curious than ever, because I am able to sit down and write this journal. Maybe I'm twisted in thinking this will help someone out there in the world, but my goal of going a year as being "incontinent" is so much within reach I can taste it. Am I fetishizing my own goals? I don't know. Certainly this ordeal is not something I'd tell my grandkids. But more or less its becoming a fact of "this is how granpa started to need diapers.." rather than "there was a year I spent in diapers.."

Sept. 23rd, 2007

My counselor has helped me put away the burden on my back of my cousins death. Yes, I felt like I was in some way to blame. She had alluded to taking her life several times, and I tried to get her mind off of it. I think she humored me, realizing that the subject of her death would hurt me so much.

And yet she did it, anyway...

But I am not going to start playing a blame game. In reference to my diaper wearing, this whole ordeal is of my design. I've made it some ten months, and I can make it another two.

I wet the bed almost every night now, and I barely feel the urge to go, yet I find myself wet during the day and none the wiser of when it happened.

This has been going on subtely and slowly these past few months, but now its a given day in and day out. When December comes around I will need to repotty-train quite a bit.

November 3rd, 2007

I have been in contact with my parents as of late. They are aware of my incontience issues, and as surprised as they have been to learn of them, I don't detect any hint of suscpecion in reguards to how it begin to happen.

I feel horrible, I feel like the biggest a-hole born. But I can call an end to this study and magically heal, which would take time at this point anyway, or go see my family later on this month for a week and continue to be in diapers.

It actually almost feels unimaginable to not be diapered. The feeling of being naked while not being in one has grown exponentially, and again, twelve months is a little over a month away. I'm going to be quiet while I get ready for the trip, and give you one long update when I get back.

December 16th, 2007

Lots of stuff has happened, so I apologize for this ginormous update.

The trip back to Michigan was a bit less weird than the trip out here in the beginning of the year. By now I have realized most people never figure I wear diapers. My family has been busy renovating the old house, and my dad has begun to set work into building an in-ground pool for next year. I'm happy for them as they have worked hard in the faltering car industry around Detroit for years. GM pays well, still, and when they retire in a few more years its going to be a good penchant for the both of them.

My Aunt Joan and I had many a long conversations, I felt really disgusted at myself as she was teary eyed on more than one occasion as she begged me not to do what my cousin did if I find myself to continue to need diapers. I explained to her I have a counselor, a great support group, and I'm thinking nothing of the sort. It was such awkward moments, I have to say, but overall proved positive.

Although in some weird way, I think I have driven hurt even more into my Aunt's heart as she sees me dealing with incontience better than her daughter. I'd really like to explain the whole thing to her, but for obvious reasons, I cannot.

I promised to keep in touch with her, though.

I visited my cousins grave and gave her a boquet of her favorite flowers (daiseys) and laid my feelings for her death to rest, I think, finally. I told her that while I can't begin to understand what she did, that I have tried so long and hard to. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. 10 tons of pain that I didn't know was there.

The trip back was fun, I spent some time in a Vegas Casino doing a bit of gambling. A two day stop over in the interest of cheaper fare. I would have liked to promise my family to be back during Christmas, but this is not going to happen.

My first diaper I put on December 19th, 2006. It is now three days until 12 months have gone by. And what will I do? I simply do not know.

December 19th, 2007

Today is 12 months.

What have I learned? That it takes a lot to go out diapered at first, because you're so sure everyone knows. But then, who should care? We have these fears of being judged, singled out, and spat at for one reason or another.

I find it disturbing that some make fun of those who are diaper dependent, that our fellow brethren in the human race are so quick to judge and not understand.

I have made a lot of changes to my life this year, and weathered them, I think, pretty damn well. Amy and I are back together and happy as ever. I really think she may be the one.

My counselor has helped me deal with my cousins death, and realize that it was her choice and her choice alone. I could not have reached her. And while I'll never be her, or be able to understand her frame of mind, I'm almost certain that being incontient was not the straw that broke the camel's back for her. I think she was using it as an excuse, as a way of garnering pity.

It hurts me to say that about someone I love so much. But we are all different, and in the end, another's suffering is someone's paper cut. We all have different stress thresh holds, and maybe the incontience issue did put her over the egde. I do not know, and I don't care to speculate about her death anymore. I miss her, and I hope that one day we will see each other again.

That is that. I can spend the rest of my life trying to understand her actions, but I know she would not want this of me. What is done is done.

As for my diaper wearing, I have wrestled with the issue these last several weeks. I'm sure if I cross my legs and run to the toilet I can make it there some of the time. I can, of course, look to a urologist and find someway to begin to repotty train. Certainly, the longer I stay in diapers, the less likely I'll ever be out of them again.

But you know what? I have come to appreciate their usefulness, I have quickly adapted to being "incontinent" even if I am not. But I cannot fool myself by saying I can stop using diapers right now, because my control has severely diminished.

I wet every night, and 9 times out of 10 I find myself wet without remembering it. But guess what? I don't care. Am I going to try two years? I think that I'd be kidding myself if I expected to go two years in diapers and re-train myself out of them again rather effortlessly. The stress of doing so would probably be worse than the stress I've endured with "being" incontinent this past year.

Today I threw out the last of my boxers, and ordered another months supply of diapers. Whether or not I'm crazy, I suppose I'm in decent mixed company. With the pain of my cousins death put to rest, I'm going to put to rest the idea of reversing this change of lifestyle, too. Reguardless of the initial goals I had at the outset of this experience, I think its time to move on.

I'm going to end my journal, maybe update here and there, I guess. Maybe realease this in awhile. But I have learned a lot about myself, about my nerves, and about people. I used to think my cousin was driven to her death by people stigmitizing her, and maybe that was so.

But I'm not stigmitized, at least, not much, as of yet. And I think I owe it to the world, especially being as crazy as becoming diaper dependent, to be an embassador of sorts for the diaper-wearing kind. And what better way to help people stop stigmitizing such a thing than trial by fire?

*Edited for this comment:

In case anyone is wondering, I still wear diapers 24/7. I posted this as an attempt to be open and honest about these sort of feelings. I know that I come off sounding as a loon, and I'm sure I pretty much am/was when I did this. As I mentioned throughout my first year journal, I have accepted myself as being incontinent for life. I feel that I have made my bed and now I must lay in it. Do I have regrets? You bet. But it would not be fair for me to do something this stupid and then try and crawl my way back out of it. So better or for worse, I am destined to be diapered for the rest of my life now. Be careful what you wish for.

[CornusImpara]

You wrote a really impressive story, it really touched me.. especially how you dealt with the death of your cousin.

As i'm incontinent myself i can relate to what you and your late cousin went trough; the shame, the fear and the hopelessness..it's definitely a warning for all that want to become incontinent. Incontinence isn't always fun..it can sometimes be difficult to deal with.

Also I have great respect for the way you handled that you have become incontinent and took responsiblity for your actions. Not many people on this board have such a mature perspective of dealing with there own choices. As someone who also was gradually going down the road to fulltime incontinence, i know how difficult it can be to accept that you will be dealing with it for quite a long time....like you i have to admit wearing diapers have also some advantages.

I hope that your have learned to manage your incontinence and again will be able to live life to the max..

[NappyHappy]

I am sorry for being gone so long, I have not had the time to log online and update due to work. I will get a entry in the next day or so!

- Nappyhappy

[bookem]

NH, any update?! Very interested in your journey!

[leafy kille]

it is a shame the topic starter has not continued this thread but it has inspired me to try something similar, i have already gone 24/7 for a week and that was fun if a bit scary how fast i lost controll... but i wil do it again at some point and wil post a diary of it.

[Knuxie Fawks]

I was 24/7 for 2 months, and want to do it again. I just need a steady income and some form of privacy to get pad up and be able to change when I need to. I don't even have a room right now.

[Tadpole]

it is a shame the topic starter has not continued this thread but it has inspired me to try something similar, i have already gone 24/7 for a week and that was fun if a bit scary how fast i lost controll... but i wil do it again at some point and wil post a diary of it.

I think BitterGrey has some journals (including his own?) on his site. When I first realised that I was fantasizing about going 24/7 I did a bit of research and chatted to a few people who had done it, including several that had tried and given up, a couple who had stuck with it and were now happy, and one who had slipped into 24/7 wearing without really noticing that he had, and (at the time) was part-regretting it. It was particularly interesting to see that for many people "going 24/7" isn't a thing they ever thought that they would do, but something that crept up on them. I think the phrase "a bit scary" is how I feel when I consider how, when I have a spell of regular wearing (like I am now) it becomes so easy to wet without thinking, and the habit of putting a nappy n becomes so normal.

I don't think I want to go 24/7 - as a fantasy it's fun, but don't think it's the future I want. BUT: I am aware that every year that goes by, nappies have become more "normal" for me and that extrapolating the curve, at some point I too might find I'm wearing all the time. Now that is scary!

Tad.

[Guest Craig]

Pretty amazing stuff here. Quite a journal, jstepp09. Thanks a whole bunch for sharing that!

[Frink]

It'd be interesting to hear from that guy now.