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A Little History: I've been interested in wearing diapers for as long as I can remember. It's one of the few things I actually do remember about early childhood, certainly as far back as 2nd grade. I have plenty of stories I could tell and have done in the past and may do more so in the future. For now suffice to say I used to fantasize about when I would be 18 and out on my own and be able to do what I wanted. Of course you don't actually move out and live on your own at 18. At least I didn't. You can't afford it and need roommates. I've lived with my parents and lived out of their house with roommates up until about six months or so ago. I am now 31 years old and am living on my own for the first time in my life. But let me back track a bit. The first time I ever bought any diapers was when I was living in an apartment with roommates about eight years ago. My parents where out of town and asked me to house sit so I took the opportunity to order some samples and have them delivered to their house. I ordered some Attends, Tena, and Molicare. I wore the Molicare Super Plus for all of about 30 minutes before freaking out a bit, feeling guilty, and throwing the lot of them away. I don't really count this as a first experience. I didn't order diapers again until roughly a few years ago. I'm terrible with time it could have been longer or shorter. Anyway I ordered some Abena X-Plus with the cloth backing. At this point I was still living with roommates. At first I would only order diapers when everyone else was out of town, usually during some holiday. Later I realized since I ordered so damn much stuff through the post no one would even question me getting another big box. I still freaked out the entire day waiting for the diapers to arrive though. I don't know how some of the younger people on here buy stuff in stores. I would have a literal heart attack before I got to the register. I really only ever was diapered at night, behind a locked door, and even then not very often. Maybe once a week if that. Now living on my own I usually go diapered most nights of the week and depending on plans spend all day at least one weekend day. The Community: I first started participating in the community, under the name banter, about the same time my "real" diaper wearing started a a few years back. As said not exactly sure when that was. My first post was on ADISC and the aggressive negativity in the replies lead me to stop posting immediately and I didn't start again for quite some time. I eventually started posting again but the vitriol I felt was so prevalent there eventually lead me elsewhere. I had come to DD a few times, while I was still active on ADISC, looking at the reviews mostly. I never really looked at the forums but as my interest in the other place waned I started reading the forums here. They didn't seem all that different, maybe a bit more adult, but I gave it a shot and started posting anyway. Right off the bat things where so much better. I didn't get scolded anytime I posted anything and because of that I didn't fear starting new threads like I always did on ADISC. There's also this thing that happens on the internet, particularly on large forums, where everyone just becomes this mass of faceless voices, at least for me. It feels more like yelling into a crowd than being involved in a discussion. ADISC always felt like that to me. Here though, maybe because of a core of long-time active members, I have found more "people" than faceless crowd. I still don't really know anyone all that well but I'm getting there and starting to see potential friendships which is great. On a side note, I have this issue with girls. Probably not the issue most people have. I have identified as asexual since high school and fairly recently have really embraced that instead of feeling like it was something wrong with me that I just made up a label to justify. There's now an asexual pride flag and everything. Anyway, my problem is that I have always felt threatened by guys. Maybe it's because I was picked on quite a bit early on. Maybe it's because I have never been all that similar to the archetypical "guy". I don't want to talk about sex, girls, sports, drinking, etc. I don't like how it seems as if most guys I meet don't actually like women. I'm also a skinny weird dude and while it's never happened I'm always worried about getting my ass kicked simply for being weird and a bit effeminate. I got a bit off point there but I don't ever want to be one of those guys. I know it's stupid but my first inclination is to avoid women even though I prefer them as friends for fear of either coming off as threatening or leading them on. The latter has happened a couple times despite announcing I'm asexual to the girl in question early in our friendship. Some people just can't believe it. So fair warning. If you're a girl I might act a bit of an idiot. So What Does it all Mean? In terms of diapers, I am still a bit self conscious about it and still get a bit nervous when waiting for a delivery. I've found I like a broad variety although I don't like cloth all too much. I tried some AIOs and they're OK but not really for me. I don't particularly like pullups either. I do like both cloth and plastic backed disposables though which I only realized recently. Also of note, is that early on I just assumed it was a sexual fetish for me. I'm not into the AB thing at all and common wisdom seems to be that if you only like diapers it's a sexual thing. It took me awhile to figure out but it isn't at all for me. I kept trying to force a sexual interest, not unlike trying to force myself into dating in late Middle School and High School. Masterbation has no effect on my desire to wear diapers and diapers have no effect on my desire, or more accurately, need to masterbate. I have also come to like wetting diapers although I didn't particularly like it at first. I think a big part of that though was not living alone and what a pain it was to discreetly clean up and throw away the diapers. Oh and messing is not for me. I tried it once. Never again. I almost threw up. I'm just way too fastidious. I'm very happy to be an active member here and am happier still to have found a place to associate with people who "know" I have this interest. I'm not sure I'd ever want to meet up with anyone in person. That may very well change but right now I'm none too eager to meet anyone I know online in person, even people I have known for 15+ years. Hell I'm even reticent to join the chat here as that feels too direct a line of communication. You'd think at 31 I'd be less diaper agoraphobic. It's odd to me I have such a hangup about this in particular. I am so open with everyone I meet about everything else. I tell people I'm into BDSM, crossdressing, am asexual, don't drink, etc. Hell I used to go out in women's clothing all the time in my early 20s. My parents even knew I did, my sister used to let me borrow her clothes. Maybe I'm just covetous of this as a secret since I share so much of everything else about myself openly. If that was the case though I don't think I'd be so paranoid about it so that's probably not it at all.