SketchPatch1760

Well well well, DailyDiapers. You don't know me, but I know you. Oh boy, do I... My name is SketchPatch1760. I'm 25 years old and and I've been visiting your site for 10 years. That's right, 10 years. I remember when Diaperspace was a thing and Internet Explorer reined supreme. Of course, that was back when I was a teenager starting puberty. I'm autistic (high-functioning Aspurgers), suffer from anxiety and depression, and tend to act on implusive (though I'm working to fix it). This are EXTREMELY important to my story. I consider myself one of you. I've had sexual and nonsexual attractions to diapers for years. I remember getting strange feelings for the diapering scenes in Rugrats, especially the forced changing scene in Maybe Baby and Potty-Training Spike. Thinking hard enough, I can vaguely remember getting placed on the changing table at my church's nursery as a 2-3 year old. It felt great to find a community that relished in the same things as I. I even started my own ABDL account on Deviantart back in 2018 under the name SketchPatch176 and began making fanart. In 18 months, I reached 450 followers and even got a few commissions done. I made TONS of ABDL art and stories of Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Star Vs The Forces of Evil, and The Loud House. I made a lot of ABDL friends there and was generally happy. And yet...it's also been a great source of frustration and pain. When I started reading ABDL stories and getting off to them, most of them were of underage kids and teens. I still remember my first ABDL story being Baby Katie over on FoxTaleTimes. I didn't know or care at that time. The scenarios in these stories were hot and I loved picturing them in my head (later even imaginging myself in the place of the protagonist). It's only now, when the feelings still persist, that I worry. Once I got into my older teens and learned what child porn was, my enjoyment of ABDL started to turn into paranoia. Was I reading child porn? Did jerking off to stories of kids and teens getting diapered and babied make me a pedophile? To makes things worse, my mom found out about my fetish and for the last 10 years, I've been trying to convince her (and myself) that this fetish isn't illegal and ammoral. I've defended you guys countless times to her. However, the fetish still worries her and, after all this time, it worries me too. She kepts hoping that I would grow out of it and called my art "boarderline risky." This worry eventually consumed me with fear and acting on impluse, I did the impossible: I deleted my SketchPatch account. I just...I couldn't take the stress anymore. It was eating away at me and in pure desperation, I thought that purging it all would relieve me of all the pain. But it only made me feel worse. I felt like a drug addict on withdraw it was that bad. Even now, six months after the act, I still feel this way and constantly debate whether I should have done it or not. Now, I'm currently seeing a therapist, who tells me that drawing art and stories of underage characters is wrong and promotion of rape culture/sexualizing the image of children. I do see some truth in her words, but it doesn't make the urges go away. It only gave me even deeper conflicting ideas of the ABDL community. I mean, our community claims to be completely against pedophilia, child exploitation, and child porn, yet ADISC, DailyDiapers, AR Archives, ABDLStoryForum, AB/DLStories, AB-DL.com (now gone), Baby Brrr Nursery (now gone), ZityBitz, Deviantart, and many more sites have TONS of stories staring under-18 protagonists in both sexual and nonsexual ABDL stories. And that's not even mentioning the fanart community. Now, I consider ADISC and DailyDiapers to be the kings of the ABDL community, the experts. If anyone can explain this double standard to me (or at least emphasize with me and my issues), it would be you guys. So I ask you...How? How can our community constantly claim to stand against child exploitation and the involvement of minors in our kink when we are CONSTANTLY doing the opposite in our stories and fanart? I've seen everything from underage characters being sissified to forcibly diapered to even mentally/physically regressed. How can this not qualify as animated child porn? Why do we get off to stories like this?! I'm sorry for sounding so judgemental, but this stress is literally KILLING me! My soul feels like it's being yanked in a hundred different directions and my self-confidence has plummeted. I'm not totally blaming you guys, but sites like this gave the younger, impressionable me a sexual interests in stories/art of underage characters in diapers and I need help. I don't want to feel like a closeted pedo or perv all my life. Please...help me. Explain to me this double standard.