SignificantOther

Hi all, So I'm dating a female ab/dl and we've been dating for nearly 2 years....but when I met her she had a MASSIVE stash of diapers.

Not intercourse, but lots of other fun stuff.

So we had our first sexual experience together last night and it went really well without her worrying about me doing things she wasn't comfortable with. The difference is amazing. Her comfort level when we're alone and the increase in affection is amazing. Things are looking like we might be ok. Thanks everyone.

No, but I had a high school girlfriend that had the same issue.

I guess it can. It's funny, I didn't even mean what I said as an ultimatum, bit I guess she took it that way. Worked out for the best, though!

Oh, and I think part of the problem is that she is really inexperienced, obviously, and has never had a good sexual experience with a guy. The only time she has ever had an orgasm is with masturbation through a diaper. In the past, she has never had a boyfriend that understood. If she started anything sexual, like touching or oral to meet his needs, the guys she has been with have basically tried to force her into more, then become extremely angry when she told them it wasn't pleasurable and she couldn't have sex. She says the no touching thing with me wasn't because she didn't care about my needs, but because she was terrified to start something. She never acknowledged that she knew it was hard for me because she didn't know what to say. I responded that she must have dated some real assholes in the past, and that she could trust me. She didn't seem to realize that I wouldn't insist on intercourse if she started something, or that other forms of sex are enjoyable for guys. She also didn't seem to realize that many women don't even get off from actual intercourse. Excuse me for being a bit graphic, but I don't think she even really knows that clitoral stimulation without penetration is "a thing" and can be enjoyable. Obviously she enjoyed masturbation with the diaper on because then there was no chance of penetration. I'm actually thinking this could be really fun. But treating vaginismus can take years in some cases, so we'll have to go slowly. Anyway, thanks again everyone. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe this thread could even help someone else in the future dealing with the same problem.

Well, I actually have good news. We got into a massive fight the other night. Not good news, but hang on. The fight started because I gave her an ultimatum of sorts. She got really angry that she should need to "prove herself to me" and the fight went on into the next day. It got to the point of being so bad I was about to leave. For good. She was doing her silence thing again, but somehow, for some reason she actually started talking to me about the problem this time. And answering my questions. She told me that any form of sex, even external touching by anyone other than herself, is extremely painful. The only form of enjoyable sex she has ever had with anyone else is masturbation through a diaper. Even the anticipation of a partner getting near the area causes pain. I'm well aware of the condition, vaginismus, told her about it, and asked her why the hell she hadn't told me before. She responded that previous boyfriends had told her she was crazy, forced her into painful sex acts, and made fun of her for it. An ex, upon breaking up, had also told friends and they had laughed at her. She was afraid to say anything, apparently. She was also unaware it was a fairly common issue and a real condition. She had no idea that there are ways to treat it. She said she told a ob/gyn during the one and only exam she has ever gone to and that she was told she needed to suck it up and stop being a baby or she would never find a partner. I told her if she would just trust me and talk to me from now on that it's something we can work on together and nothing to be embarrassed about. She told me that she felt so bad she was always afraid of starting or talking about anything sexual to avoid turning me on, and that was the reason she would completely shut down. So...we talked for quite awhile, are going to give this relationship another try with her promising to talk to me from now on, and are going to start working on treating the vaginismus this weekend. We talked for a couple hours about all kind of things that we never had before. It was great. I just wanted to update you, thank you for the advice and help, and tell you some good news for once. Hopefully this is a turning point in the relationship.

You know, one thing I don't understand is that she's fiercely jealous, demands monogamy in a relationship, and is very concerned with me being faithful (I've never cheated on a gf, so not a problem), yet refuses to have or talk about a sexual relationship of any kind and rarely even does things like kiss me. I don't get her preoccupation with her boyfriend being faithful if she could care less about having that type of relationship with him. Again, I feel like she wants all the benefits of a relationship without giving back. I also don't feel like I should constantly have to "remind" my girlfriend to be affectionate. I feel like at the very least she should go above and beyond in that area due to the fact I'm putting up with her issues regarding sex. I need something to show that she cares. I don't kniw, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but that's how I feel.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Since our last argument, per some advice, I haven't brought sex up nor made any attempt to initiate at all to see if that might help. It hasn't. We took a vacation together to Europe, which I thought might be perfect for intimacy, but she was as distant as ever. I've noticed something else, as well. On the rare occasion she touches me or things start to get slightly intimate, she will start acting really goofy to ruin the mood or will actually hurt me. For example, if she is, say, touching my back and I say it feels good (to encourage further touching), she will immediately start doing something that is uncomfortable or painful, like repeatedly slapping my back or scratching really hard. If we are, for example laying together and things get quiet or I go to kiss her, she will start talking in a weird guy's voice and saying weird things to (imo) purposely kill the mood. It's really frustrating. Now, due to life circumstances, she basically wants to commit to something that will keep us together for the next year and a half. I just can't do it the way things are atm. Last time we argued, at one point she angrily said "it always comes down to sex with you guys, doesn't it?" She told me she had at one point sworn off dating "vanilla" guys because they always pressured her for sex. I really resented being grouped in with guys who had expected sex after a couple of dates. She doesn't seem to think it valid at all that I am upset. She doesn't seem to think it strange at all that over a year into a relationship and while living together a couple has never even come close to TOUCHING each other in a sexual way, let alone having sex. I told her if she isn't ready now, I don't think she ever will be. I also told her that it comes down to sex because intimacy is what separates couples from friends. If all she wanted was a friend, she shouldn't be entering into relationships. She expects all the benefits of being a couple (financial benefits, gifts, companionship, courtship, monogamy, etc) without having to give the benefits in return. Last time we argued she also said she was afraid of how it would change the relationship. She said she was afraid I would ten expect regular sex and might pressure her to try new things with which she may not be comfortable. Anyway, I can't wait any longer. As much as I love her, I won't settle for this. I don't even know if it's worth an ultinatum, because then I'm just forcing her to be intimate if she wants to keep me and it isn't really by choice or because she feels that way toward me. I think I'm going to take her away for the weekend and try to initiate one more time, a little more confidently than I have in past attempts. If nothing happens, I think I'm done. Both of us deserve more. Thanks everyone.

Thanks for the insight. Nothing has changed, other than her making an effort to touch me (nonsexually) more. I have approached her with the idea of just taking care of me. She thinks it is selfish, because then she is just fulfilling my needs, and she says she "isn't my slave" when I bring it up. I would be happy to fulfill hers, too, however....if she would let me. But no, she is against the idea. She also says she wants to wait for any sexual activity, to "prod" her to actually have sex sooner. As far as masturbating, I don't really enjoy masturbating alone, much less in front of someone, LoL. I'm weird, I know. But no, I suspect she would think it rather disgusting even if I wanted to. She calls herself "kinky" because of her fetish and portrayed herself that way early in the relationship, but she is actually one of the least kinky, most vanilla girls I have ever dated. She hasn't diapered me. I've never had the desire to be diapered, and she thinks guys indulging in the fetish themselves is a huge turn off, so...

I realize trauma can occur in many forms, but she insists she has never had any issue with trauma regarding sex other than penetration being somewhat painful on the two occasions it has occurred (gyno exam and sex toy), and being scared of her first time having sex. I fail to see why all other forms of sexual intimacy are also off limits, however. The problem with just leaving at this point is that for most of our early relationship I didn't press for sex because I knew she was a virgin, so I didn't realize there were issues there until recently, after I had fallen for her and invested a year in the relationship. Now it's tough to just leave, and I've always felt like ultimatum were unfair. And if she does cave and have sex just to please me, which I have no doubt she would do rather than go for counseling or to a doctor, then it wasn't because she really wanted to. When I bring anything regarding the lack of intimacy up to her, she makes me feel awful by getting angry and implying she isn't "good enough" for me. I'm frustrated and although I know something has to be done and I should cut my losses and leave, it's easier said than done when you care about someone and at one point thought you had found "the one".

I would never act as though it was just a problem for her. I have tried to talk with her about it and point these things out to her, but she denies she was ever abused in any way and gets angry with me. There is no way I could ever talk her into seeing someone. She says she would rather die than go to a doctor or counselor...

Thanks, I realized I probably came off like a jerk from being frustrated and didn't want you to think I was just posting here for people to agree with me. I really would like some advice and to be told if I'm being unreasonable, since sometimes you can't see that when you're so close. I think she agrees I've waited long enough, but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal for a guy to go without sex. She seems to think her feelings are more important than mine most of the time. She is the worst I've ever met at empathizing with others. She is incapable of seeing anything from another view. She'll often specifically ask me how I feel about something like this, but if I tell the truth she gets furious and says I'm being mean. So most of the time I just say nothing. But then she gets mad because I'm not telling her how I feel. It seems like a no-win situation. Another reason I started to bring it up recently is because she has been talking about taking the next step and getting married. I need a sex life with my partner before I can even consider moving forward. She got me to move in together with the promise of "soon". I don't really consider 6+ months soon. She'll get upset I don't want to talk about marriage, but what the heck.....so yes, I started to bring it up in the most gentile of ways. Regarding the fight, I didn't bring up the subject until it was clear she was mad at me for no reason because of the previous night. So I said something at that point, but I had no intention of pressing it until then.

I don't mean to disregard your advice, I just wanted to clarify I never even brought the subject up until she wanted to move in together, and again recently because I feel like a year is long enough to wait and don't consider 6 months to be "soon". But maybe I'm being a jerk, that's why I'm asking.

I don't see telling her she is sexy once every week or two as pushing it. Jeez, if I cant even do that we might as well just be roomies. She sleeps in only panties and expects me to cuddle her, what am I supposed to do? Try putting sex out of your mind after a year going without while sleeping next to your naked gf! It's only in recent months that I've even started to mention it. I didn't mention it at all until just recently when I started to feel like a year was long enough to wait. I don't even care about intercourse. I don't think some kind of physical relationship after a year is too much to ask. I started to gently mention it because I got the feeling we would never have a sex life if I didn't show interest in making it happen.

Oh, and no, she says with confidence that she has never been abused.

I also noticed several old screenshots the other day from before we got together while looking through photos on our laptop. They were of IM messages and Skype sessions where she was masturbating with guys online. It irked me.

@Brian the thing is, I don't push for it. Ive been patient and rarely bring it up. Maybe once a week when we're in bed I'll tell her that she is sexy or beautiful and that I want her. She then puts her head down, brings the knees up, closes her eyes, says nothing, and goes to sleep. I don't try to inituate beyond that because it always goes badly. I don't push for it at all anymore, because she promised to initiate when she was ready. "Soon". That was over 6 months ago. We argue about it maybe once a month. That's the extent of my pushing. The "guys expect it/push for it" reason isn't really valid in my case. I was fine with waiting and still don't necessarily expect intercourse, just some semblance of a sex life or at least a show of interest. The lesbian/transgender idea isn't plausible, but thanks nonetheless. So anyhow, we got into a huge fight about this the other day. We had a particularly good night together at home, I cooked her dinner, we watched a romantic movie, I put her in a diaper. When we went to bed I held her cheek so she was looking at me for once, took one of her hands and put it on my chest, told her that she was beautiful, sexy, and that I wanted her. I asked her to make love to me. She closed her eyes, said "soon" again, and wouldn't respond to anything else I said even though I knew she was not sleeping and had been very talkative before that. The next morning she was acting strange, mentioned my ex-girlfriend in a negative way, then asked about the most minor of arguments we had several days prior. I told her it was nothing, but explained why I had been in a bad mood. She hardly talked to me the rest of the morning. It was date night, so around the time we were to get ready to go I asked her if she still wanted to and she said no, she was going to take a bath alone instead. She has never missed a date night, and never asked to be alone. I tried to talk to her, but she seemed really angry. I asked if she wanted me to leave. She said yes. I asked if she still wanted to do anything that night. She said no, but "you can come back later tonight". Being that it is my house, too, this made me angry. She claimed nothing was wrong. This behavior is common for her, though. Whenever we come "closer" to having sex or have a particularly intimate night together (or when we have a romantic night planned that could lead to intimacy, she seems to start an argument. Every. Single. Time. Over nothing. This time I was frustrated so I called her on it, and she became FURIOUS. I ended up leaving and trying to come back later. We started arguing again despite me being completely calm. I told her I loved her and that I was willing to work through this with her, but I needed her to communicate with me. I reminded her that I had been very up front from the beginning that a sex life is important to me, and that I had told her before moving in together that at some point the lack of a sex life was going to be a serious problem. She responded "great, that point is now?". I told her that I have been patient and waited a year, and that if I knew what we were waiting FOR, it would be helpful. She just said "this us hard for me, but you obviously don't care". I said that I obviously care since I've gone without sex for a year, to which she replied "poor baby". She was really angry, would say things like "not that you give a shit, but" before everything she said, and basically told me she didn't want to talk about the subject with me. in the midst of this she said that she had experienced penetration twice before, and both times were painful. Once at a gyno exam (she has never gone back and says she would rather die than go again), and once trying with fingers and a sex toy. I told her there are several reasons it could be painful and that we could work on it together (she won't go to doctors), and in the meantime try other things, but she declined, saying she was working on it alone. I ended up leaving again, since at that point she went to bed and locked the door. She was upset I had left the next day, told me to come back, and that she loved me. I came back to talk and told her I loved her but I needed her to talk to me and work on things if we were going to continue on. She promised she would, but I've been so exhausted by the whole ordeal and afraid of another argument we haven't discussed it since. I have noticed she is touching me a lot more, though (not sexually) since, and sending me nice texts throughout the day. Anyway, that's the latest, and I'm more exasperated with the situation than ever, despite loving her like crazy.

Thanks for that. I appreciate the offer. I really didn't know who to ask for advice given the fetish and the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable with anyone knowing about it. I guess it comes down to me feeling like I have a best friend and roommate that I hang out with.....not a lover or partner. And I want more from a relationship. The reason I've let it go so long is because she is a virgin, but despite that I don't get the total lack of intimacy. I'm confused, torn, and a bit depressed.

I was hoping to get some more feedback from people in the community. She says the lack of a sex life is common within the ab/dl community and that in past relationships, even one of over a year, no one has really asked her for a sex life beyond the fetish and masturbation. She says she has never been in a relationship like this where it is expected and it scares her. But that doesn't explain to me the total lack of interest in intimacy and touching. No, counseling hasn't been discussed because she would never agree to it. She barely talks to me, much less would she a counselor. Communication has been tried, but when I am subtle about it she says nothing or changes the subject and when I am more open about my feelings a fight starts and she says I'm pointing out her failures as a gf and person and that I'm not happy with her. I'm really not sure what to do because I love her like crazy but want more than this from a relationship. I was hoping to get some insight and thoughts on whether I'm being reasonable from people that share her fetish.

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some relationship advice and asking here because my girlfriend is an ab/dl and I'm new to the scene.