(Please note: This is a probe into my OWN self image, and how it relates to being an abdl. I'm interested to see whether others feel similarly and/or what they think on the matter.. I just want to be clear that I'm not accusing the whole community of having low self-esteem.)
Okay, so the topic here is self image and its bearing on infantilism. Self image, in this instance, defines one's perception of their own physical appearance and attractiveness to their preferred partners. I'm not really talking about gender identity, sexuality, etc, more just how a person perceives their own sex appeal (though those topics are certainly related). I also realize that there are countless reasons for people to be involved in this lifestyle, and no one thing can be pinpointed as the cause. I expect many people won't relate to this at all, it's simply my take on one of my own influences for being an abdl.
Soo, where to begin? Let's jump right into it- ess ee ex.
While sex is not important to all people, it is nevertheless a constant influence on their daily lives. Sex appeal, more precisely, is a terribly important factor in human interaction. Put simply, if you don't meet someone's copulation standards, they're less likely to be interested in you. It doesn't matter which corner of the world you live in, its an integral element of human culture. And rightly so- without sex, we would quickly die out. It's a way of passing down our genes, and, over time, improving our species' chance of survival. Because of this, sexual partnership has always been dictated by both members meeting certain standards. Having strong, healthy children means they're more likely to survive.. so, being a strong, healthy male means you're more likely to have kids like that, and thus women are attracted to you. The purpose of physical appearance is by no means limited to finding sexual partners, either. How you look can cause others to avoid you, befriend you, sell you volcano insurance, etc... or, as the case is for infants, it can make people want to take care of you.
Recently, this prejudice has turned into an obsession in human relationships, especially with the growing influence of media and its ridiculous standard of beauty. For me, watching countless hours of MuchMusic beat into my head that I don't look like a real man should- tall, handsome, and totally ripped. I've always been kind of young looking, and not in a particularly cute way.. you probably wouldn't spot me at the bar and say "Generic horndog comment." So since I look young, am kinda short, and am not muscly, I don't meet the classic standard of what a woman looks for in a man. I'm okay with this, especially since I'm an abdl, but it leads me to wonder.. am I an abdl because I look this way? I believe that yes, it's one of many contributing factors- that being an infantilist is, in some ways, a coping strategy for how I look.
See, when I was little I was the center of attention, like most babies are. My parents were very loving and affectionate and I became used to such luxuries. As I grew up, though, people gradually started to afford me less and less attention. I began to realize I wasn't the cutest kid on the planet, that babies were being born all the time to take my place as center of the universe.. And before I could even get used to that idea, I was thrown for another loop, this one brought on by a particularly gruesome human function- puberty. Suddenly I didn't care about being cute and little anymore, but being tough and manly. I wanted the attention of all the pretty girls, but I was far from the hottest guy in school. Throughout grades 9-12 I was in just one relationship, and didn't feel very good about my appearance or my sexual appeal to other people.
Fast forward to present day and it's pretty much the same. People seldom try to pick me up, and if they do they're usually kinky (what's up with that?). Most of my friends are guys because I don't feel attractive or interesting enough to talk to girls. If I go back to the start of my life, I can trace the deterioration of my self image as graduating from non-existent to comfortable, from comfortable to self-conscious, and from self-conscious to unfavourable.
So, where am I going with this? Well, I can think of a few ways that a negative self image might be related to infantilism: 1) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the knowledge that I was cute as a baby, 2) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the fact that I had little/no self-image as an infant, and 3) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the idea that I actually do look young for my age.
Let's deal with 'em one at a time..
1) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the knowledge that I was cute as a baby.
I was a cute baby. So were you. Have you seen an uncute baby? ..Didn't think so. We all start off that way. For many of us, this means being the center of attention, being doted on and smothered with love. People adore cute things, so when you're little everyone takes notice of you.. and then, oops! You grew up. What were you thinking? Well, some of you did it right- you're still attractive! That means that potential mates will flock to you. You won't be pampered or cared for in the same way as a baby, but you'll experience a new kind of affection.
But some people don't do so well at staying attractive. I'm one of those dolts. Despite our flaws, unbeautiful people get into relationships all the time, and many find love in their lifetimes. This hasn't happened for me, however, and it's gone to my head- convinced me I'll never find that kind of love.. So, what do I do? Maybe I'll join E-Harmony.. Or maybe I'll regress to a time when I was loved and cared for in that old pampering fashion- a time when people didn't judge me based on sex appeal. And what a huge release of pressure it is! I don't have to live up to anyone's copulation standards anymore.
So I think becoming an abdl makes sense as a coping strategy for not feeling desirable to others- I regress to a time in my life when I was "attractive," but in a non-sexual way.. "Attractive" in the sense that others are drawn to me because I act like a baby, and babies are cute and helpless. Perhaps this attraction will be strong enough that someone will want to care for me as I was cared for in my infancy. Since I've lost faith in my ability to attract sexual partners, this may seem a more likely way to feel loved again, and so I delve into infantilism.
2) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the fact that I had little/no self image as an infant.
This is not a matter of what I looked like as a child, but rather that when I was little I didn't care what I looked like. Babies don't know what sex is, nor do they really understand what physical appearance is. Indeed, at the first stages of life, their own bodies are as foreign to them as other peoples'. They're not even aware that they have a body, really, or what a body is. So regressing into a state of mind like that can be very soothing for someone who feels uncomfortable with their body.
I find that acting like a baby is enjoyable, but most of the time I'd rather be an excitable kid/toddler. Rather than having no understanding of physical appearance at all, its more a state of not finding it important. I don't remember the first few years of my life, but I do remember being a young child... I had very high self-esteem as a kid. I was bold, fit, and intelligent. Without the weight of self-consciousness, there was nothing in the way of me being satisfied with who I was.. but then once it hit me that other people care what I look like, I started to care, too.
The progress really picked up around- ugh, not this again- puberty. I recall that at around 6-8 years old I still hadn't grasped social norms.. and man was I a happy little guy. I wasn't self-conscious or afraid of physical contact, whereas now I really don't like people to get close to me. Back then, I'd give out hugs and kisses to all my friends, regardless of their gender. I wasn't afraid to be judged, largely because I didn't realize there were any judges.. but then, as I grew older, I learned that hugging and kissing other boys was "wrong." Then I learned if you wanted to kiss anybody you had to be very close with them, or in a relationship. Then I learned to be in a relationship with someone, you had to be appealing to them. Then finally, around the onset of adolescence, I learned I wasn't appealing to everyone... So, naturally, I thought to mineself, "Hmm.. I wish I was 6-8 again so I didn't give a fuck."
Even sexually, I kind of stalled at that childhood stage.. I'm still more interested in hugging and kissing someone than actually having sex with them. I've been in a couple, uh, "relationships," but I was always the one holding back on things.. Like, they'd have to ask me out, hold my hand, kiss me first, etc.
So, regressing could theoretically lead me back to a time in my life where I was comfortable with- or even unaware of- how I look.. In practice it doesn't quite do that, but diapers do dull my sexual impulses to a certain extent, which hints at them helping me withdraw from adulthood and its awarenesses.. though simultaneously, most of my fantasies revolve around the freakin' things. Weird, eh?
However, it's not like my abdl desires only developed after I discovered sexuality- when I was really little, before I had any idea what "sex" or "normal" meant, I was still interested in baby things. I remember trying on diapers when I was 4 or 5, and having accidents on purpose before I hit high school. Clearly, being the baby was already on my mind. But maybe those desires would have disappeared had I fit into my role in society. After all, I didn't fully realize that I'm an abdl until just a few months ago.
3) Becoming an abdl was encouraged by the idea that I actually do look young for my age.
It's not like I look like a real baby or a child or anything.. but at 21, others do often think I'm still in high school. I'm 5'7" and 135 lbs, which is pretty average, but I was always the smallest boy in my class throughout elementary school. Maybe I missed out on all the growth hormone, I dunno- most of my friends are over 6'. Anyways, even looking just a couple years junior to what you are can be pretty devastating to a guy's love life. People treat you differently, like you're not as cool as them or worth their time. Do you remember in high school, how awesome the first guy to grow a beard was? Yeah, I still can't do that.
I think that looking young has caused significant motivation for my infantilism. For one, it could hint at a lack of manly grown-up hormones running through my veins, which could lead to me acting more childish, which could make me more prone to being an abdl. For two, most girls like older guys. What this means is that if I'm a young looking hombre, it's sometimes hard to find a partner. If I can't find love at this stage of my life, it might make sense to regress to a time when I was loved unconditionally (infancy/childhood), as I've already mentioned. For three, looking young usually means you're treated that way too. Being smaller than my friends back in grade school, I was usually given an easier time.. like, if I cried it was okay because I was the short kid- but if one of the tall, tough guys had a tear in his eye, it was a huge deal. In high school nobody really picked on me and I didn't get into any fights, while some of my friends often did (even the other short ones, but they had Little Man Syndrome). So me not living up to the manly gender role kind of opened things up for me.. I could act in a different way than my friends and it was okay.
I got used to it, too. It caused me to be immature in many ways.. I was rarely the one to get into trouble (though often the cause of it), never made tough decisions or took on responsibilities, etc.. and I didn't become aware of romance until much later than most of my buddies. I hit puberty at a pretty normal age, around 13 or 14, but most boys already have feelings for girls prior to that. I didn't- in grade 3 I found out a girl had a crush on me.. and proceeded to cry. So that leads me to believe that, since I was considered to be at a lower level of physical development because of how I looked, I stayed at a lower maturity level mentally, too.. And, perhaps due to years of being the immature kid, I developed a yearning to maintain that identity as I aged.
While I hated looking young for a long time, I'm glad of it now. Discovering my abdl side has led me to embrace the fact that I'm a short, slight guy. But whether that's the cause or simply circumstantial is up in the air. Would I still be an abdl if I was an attractive, manly dude? There are plenty of people who are like that, so it's hard to say. But I do think that, for me, my slow maturation (both physically and sexually) is likely one of the reasons I feel this way.
There's probably a million holes you could poke into this- go ahead, but I'll mention a couple first: I know plenty of people who have a less favourable self image than I do, and they're not abdls. I'm also quite sure that if I developed a positive view of myself now, I wouldn't lose my infantilist side. I'm just saying that everyone wants to be attractive, and if you don't meet the sexual standard, it might make sense to regress to the cute/helpless standard instead.
Well, what do you guys think? Is unhappiness with your physical image a factor in this lifestyle, or would you be this way regardless? Or maybe you're content with your appearance, but you're young looking and like to be treated as such? Perhaps how you look has nothing to do with it at all. Please share your thoughts!
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