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Showing results for tags 'depressed'.
Found 5 results
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Tonight I’m not doing well. This year has been felt at every level. From my loss of identity to my fight to keep my health benefits just so I have the ability to go to the doctor (at work), I have no social life and the friends I do have are either living life with their families or traveling the world. I feel lost and that I know that my love languages are quality time and physical touch so obviously I am isolated and feel this way. I’m not on any medication because I fear of how. it will affect my job and I know I need to be around people, but I am terrified of being around people and feeling like I am just not worth their time because of how low I feel. I don’t want to be a Debbie downer in conversations or with people and that hurts. I worked all year and didn’t really have any sense of fun, I don’t know how, or am terrified to travel by myself. I am sorry to vent but not sure where else I could.
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Went to a three day rock concert this past weekend and now i'm even worse than before. Anxiety is up, disappointment in people and I just want to quit fighting it all. Why get better if everyone else stays the same? The world isn't going to change so why should I have to put up with it in a "healthy way". Maybe I'm just too sensitive but knowing how rude and mean this world is just has me down. I cut again, haven't done it in a couple months. Even TWLOHA was there. Even bought a shirt, but now... My therapist told me it's only temporary but now I don't even want to climb out of this. It's safer here. How can I be doing so well and just fall apart so fast? It's scary that i'm comfortable here. I down played how I really felt today at my appointment. I don't want to be back in the hospital. I think it may be that I'm off one of my meds due to me once again forgetting to order them. Even Daddy isn't helping. His birthday is tomorrow and i'm trying to hide this from him too. I just feel drained by everyone around me. I'm not getting whatever it is i'm supposed to get and i'm sick of searching for it. Is this normal in recovery?
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From the album: Pull Ups
I HATE THESE DIAPERS THEY TOTALLY SUCK AND WON'T STAY TOGETHER. UGH! GOTTA GET TO WALMART TOMORROW AND GET MYSELF SOME DIAPERS ITS BEEN 2 DAYS NOW.© BABY Sydney
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I don't know what I'm doing wrong... Nobody likes me... nobody wants to talk... everyone just leaves me or ignore me... what did I do? Noah is suppose to be my brother and is suppose to be there for me like I've been for him... but... he's too busy with his stupid suicidal boyfriend... he cares more about Ehvi than me... I've known Noah for two years... almost three... Ehvi he's known for what? A few months? a year? *sighs* Hassie hates me... I knew it would never work out between us... I can't make her happy, idk how... I try but I guess I'm just not good enough... and Adam... I've only known him for 6 months... and yet... he's my daddy... he cares so much about me... but... I doubt he wants me in his life if I ever were close to him... I really don't know if he really loves me as his baby girl... he says he loves me... but... he's so sad all the time... I hate seeing him sad... So what is it that has made them all sad? it feels like its all my fault cause as soon as I started talking with every one of them... they became sad/depressed... I just want them to be happy... I try so hard each day to make them smile... but then its like it didnt mean anything for them... And in real life, my dad has his new family, me not included, he says I'm welcome there but I don't feel very welcome. His stupid wife is a motha fucking bitch I just wanna rip her fucking head off, and they have a new child dad loves her and gives her everything I never got from him... My mom is really nice and I love her a lot even though I have trouble saying it... but we live in a situation where we barely have enough money for food... I havent bought myself new clothes in over a year... I hate seeing my mom cry almost every day... its really painful... I miss my brother... he and I were so close... he tried to raise me since he realized our dad was a piece of shit... then he died... its been three years and it feels like the pain will never ever go away... I never was allowed to give him any hugs... at all... and after my first rape I started to understand... I cannot count how many times it has happened to me... and the memories are luckily weak but they are still there... making me uncomfortable each day... I hate when people touch me and hug me... I don't trust any guy... I'm always watching... always on my post... I wish I could for once just relax... but I cant, memories haunting me... I cant trust anyone... everyone I've known has betreyed me... stabbed me in the back... I'm so sick of it all... how I can still be alive at this point... my health may be weak... but my soul is strong... maybe thats why... I keep things inside of me... heavy things... things noone need to know about... things that would only hurt people... but sometimes... I need to write... to get it all out... I just want to hide... get away from all this pain... I wish I could die, but after so many suicide attempts that has only failed I've just stopped... whenever it's my time to leave this shitty place we call earth... I'll happily accept it... no wasting time... just take me under the wings and let me go...
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Finally found a place to be myself. I've been so depressed lately, was hoping that probably the AB/DL life is something that might take my depression away. Hopefully I'll meet someone who'll make me happy... if not... I don't know what to do.
