Leaderboard

RE: 5) I got a job with a promotion in California!

<object width="450" height="370"><param name="movie" value=" http://www.liveleak.com/e/ef3_1324636887"></param><param'>http://www.liveleak.com/e/ef3_1324636887"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.liveleak.com/e/ef3_1324636887" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" allowscriptaccess="always" width="450" height="370"></embed></object>

Four The clock ticking on the wall was a familiar sound for Jessica, just as the rough fabric of her armchair was a familiar feel. She had spent a good portion of her life in this place, almost as much as she'd been to school, the movies, and the mall with her friends. "I'm glad you could fit me in today," she said softly, looking up from her hands. Dr. Megan Faraday smiled back. Like Claire, she had gotten noticeably older as well. There was more gray in her hair and lines under her eyes, but otherwise she seemed the same as ever. "I'm always happy to have you, Jessica. It's encouraging to see how much progress you've made since we first started." Jessica nodded. For nearly eighteen years, she had been coming to Dr. Faraday once a week--and in some cases, more often than that. She had cried and given her the silent treatment, she had learned to speak about her feelings and her memories, and she had become used to having on a wet diaper while she listened to her therapist's advice. It said a lot about her life that she could now sit upright and focused with Dr. Faraday, having only to wear a protective pad under her skirt. "So," the other woman said, clasping her hands together, "about your father..." "Well, I..." Jessica bit down on her lip. "I'm meeting with him later today. I don't know what I say to him. I don't know how I should feel. Whether I should mad at him or... try to forgive him?" "Forgiveness is not an easy thing," Dr. Faraday answered. She usually didn't smile when she addressed Jessica's concerns, although her voice was always full of sympathy. "You'd have to be willing to understand him, to appreciate why he did what he did to you and your mother. Certainly, if your relationship with him is something that hurts you more than it helps you, then maybe forgiving him might not be possible and you shouldn't feel guilty about that." Fighting the urge to curl up into a fetal position like she did in the old days, Jessica smoothed out her hands on her lap. "I know that I never really forgave my mother, but I'd like to think I can understand her. That she was mentally ill and didn't..." She bit her lip again before continuing. "She didn't recognize me as her own daughter anymore." "It helped that your aunt wanted you to not grow up bitter about what happened, didn't it?" Jessica nodded. "She was the same yesterday. I knew she was angry about Dad, but..." She managed to smile. "She seemed willing to let me go and talk to him, even if she never could do the same." Dr. Faraday smiled back. "One of the most important steps you'll take as an adult is being able to do things for your own reasons rather than doing them to meet the expectations of your family or your friends. It goes without saying that this reunion might not be the easiest thing to face, but I think your decision to go through with it at all is itself a sign of how well you're doing." "Thank you, Megan." "You're very welcome." --- For the second time that week, Jessica walked into the mall atrium. She saw the Christmas decorations and the children gathered outside Santa's workshop. Her heart raced as she looked ahead, but she soon realized that the mall Santa wasn't her father. In a strange way, it was a relief to know that he hadn't lied about getting the day off. "I know I said this before, but you're easiest the bravest person I know." Ryan walked alongside Jessica, holding tight onto her hand. "I couldn't imagine facing my dad if he'd done this to my mom and me." "Thanks." Jessica squeezed his hand as they left the atrium and went down toward the Coffee Cafe. "You didn't have to drive me, you know." "I wanted to, Jess." Ryan pushed one hand through his dark, spiky hair. "I guess I still haven't forgiven myself, you know?" Jessica didn't need to be reminded. There had been a time in their relationship early on, after Ryan had gone on vacation in Europe, when they couldn't be as close as they'd liked. Ryan had admitted he'd had a fling with a pair of French teenagers, a boy and a girl, who'd gotten him drunk and shamed him into silence. He'd punished himself more than Jessica ever could--not that she'd wanted to punish him. She herself had been feeling guilty about her apprehension over Claire's new relationship with Andrea. But Ryan had eventually come around, guilty not just for his affair in France but for not supporting Jessica through her own crisis. He was incredibly kindhearted like that, if a bit humorless at times. Slowly, they reached the Coffee Cafe. And sure enough, there was her father, sitting by himself with a cup of coffee and wearing just a baseball jacket and jeans. He didn't notice Jessica or Ryan, but stared pensively into his drink. "I can take it from here," Jessica said softly, slowly letting go of Ryan's hand. He nodded and bent down to kiss her gently. She returned the kiss, grateful that he'd come, and watched him walk away. She'd promised to call him on his cell phone when she was done, so that he wouldn't get in the way of her reunion. With a deep breath, Jessica turned back around and walked inside. She kept her hands in her pockets and waited for her father to look up. "Hi, honey," he murmured. "Hi, Dad," she replied, then sat down at the table. Her father didn't look her in the eye, but said quietly, "Can I... get you something to drink?" She shook her head. "No, thank you." It was just well, she decided. She didn't want to take in any fluids and risking having an accident based on some traumatic flashback like in the old days. Just to be on the safe side, Sarah and Samantha had put a diaper on her--the first one she'd worn during the day in over five years. "I know I never called or visited," her father said, smoothing back his hair just like Ryan had done earlier. "I was ashamed. I was so embarrassed about leaving you and your mother that I figured it was better if I never showed up again." "You could have come back," Jessica said softly. She still hadn't taken her hands out of her pockets. "I know Aunt Claire wouldn't have liked it, but the rest of the family might've..." Her father shook his head. "To be honest, it was Claire who I was the most ashamed to see again. Did she ever tell you about us?" Jessica closed her eyes against the memory of that conversation. "She did." "You see, I was wanted to be with your mother, but... I had feelings for Claire. And I never felt like your mother really loved me. She took care of you and me, but I was never happy with her." He frowned. "She had... mood swings. She was convinced that everyone was against her. And I just couldn't take it anymore. I left after I talked to Claire and she rejected me." "And you left me." Jessica was surprised at how cold her voice had become. "You left me with that woman." Her hands became fists inside her jacket. "Do you even know what she did to me? Did you ever bother to find out?" "No." Her father seemed hurt to admit it. "I never did." "I spent a whole month trapped at home," Jessica continued, her voice staying cold and hard despite the fire in her heart. "A whole month of sleeping in a crib. Being put back into diapers. Being bathed in ice-cold water. Being beaten whenever I tried to talk back. And the whole time, she blamed you. She blamed you and she made me suffer for it. It was only because of Claire that I got out of it. It was only after ten years that I got my life back and you never once showed up, Dad." As she spoke, she felt her memories of that horrible period come rushing back. With a few deep breaths, she was able to keep the memories at bay, but that didn't help her physical control much. She could feel herself dribbling into her diaper--not enough to cause a leak, but enough to remind her of how easily she used to wet herself. "They had Mom committed," Jessica said quietly, her rage slowly giving way to sorrow and a tight feeling in the back of her throat. "Did you know that? I never saw her again. I don't know what she's like now, if she's better... if she would even recognize me..." She had to stop and briefly wipe tears from her eyes. "I don't blame you for not seeing the signs or wanting to stay. But I don't know that it's a good idea for you to be back in my life. At least, not right now." Her father nodded. "I deserve that. If that's how you really feel, then I guess there's not much point in hanging around." He slowly got up from the table and took his half-empty coffee cup with him. "I know it may not mean much anymore, but... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from her. And I'm sorry I made Claire so miserable." Jessica felt her cheeks redden. She'd expected apologies and remorse, but she felt drained and vulnerable after her diatribe. It was like the anger had cleaned itself out of her and now she saw her father for what he was: a tired old man who couldn't run away anymore. "Do..." She bit down on her lip to steady her nerves, then looked up at him. "Do you have anywhere to go for Christmas?" Her father nodded. "I live five miles east of downtown. I..." He ducked his head, looking ashamed again. "I got remarried a few years ago. Her name's Beth. We had a son named Jason. He's almost four years old." The thought that Jessica had a half-brother filled her with both curiosity and disgust. She fought to keep any hostile reaction from showing on her face when she added, "Are they happy? With you, I mean." "Happy enough, I suppose." In spite of herself and her memories, Jessica couldn't resist a wry smile. "No signs of mental illness yet?" Her father cracked a smile of his own. She realized that he'd hardly smiled once since they met. "They seem to be fine. For now, anyway." "Good. That's good to hear." They suddenly couldn't look each other in the eye, as if the familiar tone they'd adopted was something taboo. Jessica took a few more breaths, managed to stop herself from wetting her diaper any further, and looked her father dead in the eye. "Will you wish them Merry Christmas for me?" she said in all seriousness. Her father nodded solemnly. "I will." "Thanks, Dad. And... Merry Christmas to you, too." He nodded and slowly walked out of the coffee shop without saying another word or looking back. Jessica felt something clench inside her heart as she watched him leave--like she was reliving his departure all over again--but she remembered that this time was different. This time, there was no crazed mother to punish her or fierce young aunt to rescue her. She just had to stand on her own feet and keep moving forward.