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i am writing this because i have no one else left. i have been insanely depressed for the past 3 months, i feel worthless, unloved, uncared for, stupid and most of all lonely. these feelings have gotten worse since my mama, dada, and 3 sisters are not around, i worry about them because i love them, i would kill myself if they needed me to. i hate my life, i hate how I'm not and am never going to be the girl i am. over the last few months i have tried drinking and drugs to get rid of my problems, i was looking for anything to drown out the pain i feel. i hate my life. i wish that someone would take me from my life and make me their slave, so i would finally be use full as some ones fuck hole, and punching bag. i hate my life.

srry, chelsea

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would seek some professional advice from a mental health professional. Seeking help does not mean you are crazy. It means that you are smart enough to recognize that you have a problem.

If you are suffering from depression, there are medications that can help you. A doctor can prescribe them for you.

i am writing this because i have no one else left. i have been insanely depressed for the past 3 months, i feel worthless, unloved, uncared for, stupid and most of all lonely. these feelings have gotten worse since my mama, dada, and 3 sisters are not around, i worry about them because i love them, i would kill myself if they needed me to. i hate my life, i hate how I'm not and am never going to be the girl i am. over the last few months i have tried drinking and drugs to get rid of my problems, i was looking for anything to drown out the pain i feel. i hate my life. i wish that someone would take me from my life and make me their slave, so i would finally be use full as some ones fuck hole, and punching bag. i hate my life.

srry, chelsea

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i still feel this way alot, but its just hard for me, because no matter how hard i try to be me, everyone hate it, and when i act like everyone else, then im liked then ignored. i dont know who i am, the only thing that dosnt change is that i know im a girl.

i have a feeling im have Borderline Personality disorder, and i dont know what to do about it. if there is anyone out there that just wants to be my friend, please instant message me i dont know how i will be feeling, but i will try my best to ok.

Thank you, Chelsea

ps: encase anyone is wondering heres the results of the depression test

Over the last 2 weeks, how often have you been bothered by any of the following problems?

Q. Little interest or pleasure in doing things

A. More than half the days

Q. Feeling down or depressed or hopeless

A. Nearly every day

Q. Trouble falling or staying asleep or sleeping too much

A. Nearly every day

Q. Feeling tired or having little energy

A. More than half the days

Q. Poor appetite or overeating

A. Nearly every day

Q. Feeling bad about yourself—or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down

A. Nearly every day

Q. Trouble concentrating on things such as reading the newspaper or watching television

A. More than half the days

Q. Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed. Or the opposite—being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual

A. Several days

Q. Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way

A. Nearly every day

Q. If you checked off any problems how difficult have these problems made it for you to do your work take care of things at home or get along with other people?

A. Nearly every day

Q. If you checked off any problems how difficult have these problems made it for you to do your work take care of things at home or get along with other people?

A. Extremely difficult

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Ok - Depression

Now to many of you that chat with me on a regular basis in "Live Chat" - you may find it hard to believe that I suffer with severe depression - I have done since my early teens - only in my late teens did I find out what it was.....there are people in my life I could point the finger at and say "you b**tard - you caused me to be like this" and so on and so forth.

Depression is a very individual thing (very much like being AB/DL) - I can pretty much be certain that what triggers me to go "on a downer" wouldn't trigger anyone else - just like with diapers/nappies/the whole AB thing - what floats my boat - will probably sink yours! :D

So I can't tell you things will get better Chelsea - If I could do I would - but I can't so I won't! All I can say is if writing your feelings on a message board helps you - then do it! For me....the only way I control, ease or beat depression - is through my exercise or by spending time with the people in my life who do genuinely care about me.

Some people need a bit of a "kick up the ass/arse" - I did! My doctor told me I was killing myself with eating - and if I didn't do something - I'd die before I was 35. I lost 140lb and I am now 36. My other "kick up the arse" was my best friends Nephew - young John - he was 18, full of life, hope, an absolutely wonderful young lad - and he dropped down dead getting up to go to college in March 2006. So I raise money into Sudden Adult Death Syndrome - I'll do just about anything - my last one was doing a 6.1 mile "run" on crutches (as I'd broken my foot training for it!) - I raised £3500 ($7k) and I'd have done it on my hands and knees if I could give John's family 5 more minutes with him.

We all have troubles - some of us can come up with solutions for the troubles better than others can, but the likes of you and me and many others out there have this horrible inability to cope with situations which others may deem to be trivial. But trust me - they aren't trivial to you and you need to just accept that you are who you are.

About 11 years ago I sought help for a gambling problem I had - and I haven't gambled since thankfully - but the reason I brought this up is Gamblers Anonymous always read a prayer called the Serenity Prayer - I am probably THE most non-religious person on these boards - but that piece of text actually makes sense - so here is the first line - the one that does it for me!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference. "

There's also a thing called "Just For Today" which might also help you out a bit - again it works for me sometimes and I hope it works for you.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take each day as it comes and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise; I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt - they may be hurt but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half-hour all by myself and relax. During this half-hour, sometime, I will try and get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Just for today I will not gamble.

The last one - is interchangeable to fit what it is you want to do "Just For Today". For me its "I will not gamble" or "I will do my bit in John's memory"

So Chelsea and for that matter anyone else who maybe needs a bit of a hug or a bit of help - none of these words will "cure" you - nothing anyone says on here will either. But they might offer you that bit of hope, that piece of inspiration or that "I am not alone in all this sh*t" that you need.

Keep smiling, keep you chin up and remember - as a community - we are all here for each other.

Dynamick :)

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Mick...wow what can I say? That was a great post! I loved the "just for today" bit lets just say i copy/pasted and saved it I really liked it. Makes you make an effort to keep things in perspective, sometimes we need that. As always, your wise words do make me think. :)

Chelsea...Yeah, depression is a toughie. I was diagnosed with it about..hmm..7 months ago. Of course that is only a preliminary diagnosis I suspect they'll find something else in me lol. I suppose its always been inside of me, but only recently did it get really unmanageable. What Mick said is true, not everything works for everyone, but it never hurts to try. For me it is a combination of medication and therapy. Talking out my problems, sorting them out under someone's guidance, getting feedback and having someone help me to keep my focus has really helped me out a lot. My therapist asks me to journal. To write without really thinking, just write doesn't matter if half the words are profanity; don't rationalize just write as it comes to your head and then read it back to yourself. Once you let it out on paper and read it again, it almost doesn't seem like that big of a problem. However, perhaps the most important thing for me is having a good support system. Friends and family that I can count on when the going gets tough. The sorts of people that I know will listen and not judge. These are the people that keep me going everyday...and even when they drive ya nuts, you still love them.

There is no miracle cure for depression and it won't go away on its own. You have to put forth the effort. Make sure you eat right, go out for a walk from time to time. You'd be surprised how wonderful the air feels when it hits your face. Much better than trapping yourself in between 4 walls (something that I know I do often). When I'm upset I listen to angry music and just write write write. yes, there are other methods of "coping" some that are quite unhealthy and don't really resolve a thing. Trust me on that. And always remember that you are worth something. There are no worthless human beings on this planet...as a fellow depressive I can say that we might tend to focus on the small picture, only drowning in the problem at hand and once that problem is resolved we drown in another problem. Its a never ending cycle and it can only be broken when we learn to see the big picture and realize "yeah, its a problem...but its not so bad, I'll just get through it no biggie". Beware of shutting down and going numb inside...while it can be a useful tool at times, it can also backfire and just make you feel even more alone within yourself. I know that it did for me.

I hope you're alright and do keep posting. I for one would like to keep hearing from ya. There are great people here and no doubt quite a few who have gone through what you are going through. I see you're 19, we seem to have a lot in common...I was going through many of the same volatile emotions at that age (only a few months ago, not that long :P). Thats when I started suspecting I might be depressive. Oh, one more thing, if you ever feel that you will seriously hurt yourself for whatever reason...just go to any emergency room...talk to someone...anything. Letting yourself go down that pit of darkness within us is hard, and even when you think you can't crawl out, you'll find strength within you. you'll see.

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