Is incontinence surgery part of your pursuit of happiness?

[cathdiap]

Hi there!

Below are some questions you can ask yourself to determine whether incontinence surgery can bring you a happier life.

It is based on my own experience with total urinary incontinence and on feedback from @Reddy and @BrownBobby in other threads about the surgery they had in Mexico.

1)  Do you know what it’s like to ALWAYS leak urine? Knowing what it’s like to always wear diapers isn’t even relevant, because everyone can get used to wearing diapers. But the feeling of always leaking urine is much more mentally taxing. It’s always there, with every movement, every hiccup, sneeze, cough or laugh and it’s very hard to ignore. You have to really love it, otherwise it can get really frustrating.

2) Do you realize that it’s going to be forever? Until the grave? One day you might be that old man in a nursing home who needs to be changed by a nurse. Or worse, if one of your close relatives wants to take care of you, and you have to be changed by him or her.

3) Are you willing to tell your children, parents, other close relatives, spouses, future dates, etc. that you are incontinent and dependent on diapers?

If so, are you going to tell them the real cause of your incontinence or are you willing to lie to them and take that lie to your grave?

If not, how are you going to keep it unnoticed?

4) Are you taking psychotropic drugs? Are you sure that these drugs will not affect your desire to become incontinent?

5) Are you willing to give up or change your current sex life? You will probably have to be very creative and get a lot of support from your sex partner if you leak all the time.

If you do not have a sex partner at the moment, are you aware that it may be much more difficult to find one in the future?

If you have no interest at all in sex with a partner, are you sure that this is not a temporary situation?

6) Is your incontinence desire subject to binge-purge cycles? For example, if you orgasm at the thought of being incontinent, does it go away for a few days? If so, how would you deal with the reality that you will have to put on a diaper after orgasm anyway?

7) Do you realize that some activities, such as certain day trips, vacations, jobs, sports, and hobbies, become very difficult or even impossible with incontinence and diapers. Are you willing to make major adjustments or even give up some of those activities?

8) Would your incontinence still be fun if your life situation changed drastically? What if you lost your job? What if your partner filed for divorce? What if you became chronically ill? Incontinence can be fun when life is boring, but what if life suddenly became hectic? Your incontinence will still be there, making every obstacle even harder to overcome.

9) Do you realize that you will no longer be able to procreate the natural way. All your sperm will end up in your bladder. IVF will be the only solution. 

10) If your desire for incontinence turns you on, how would you deal with it if you were incontinent in front of your family?

Please feel free to add more questions or discuss the ones I mentioned above.

[Spargano]

Excellent points. Looking beyond the next 10 years never mind the next 5 minutes is important. Especially when you consider what you wanted 10 years ago may be things you think today, “why did I want that?”

[BrownBobby]

All very good points - and all reasons I made sure to talk with a lot of people before going through with it, including multiple therapists. With any permanent decision, ensuring you're doing it the right way is important. 

I'd add only one point - if you read through that list and instead of thinking, "Yeah, that sounds terrible," you thought "Yeah, the inconveniences like that are the point," incontinence may be more tied to your happiness than you think.

[cathdiap]

1 minute ago, BrownBobby said:

I'd add only one point - if you read through that list and instead of thinking, "Yeah, that sounds terrible," you thought "Yeah, the inconveniences like that are the point," incontinence may be more tied to your happiness than you think.

Absolutely. In that case incontinence surgery could definitely be a part of your pursuit of happiness. 

[Diapered Dave]

I have been following the incontinence journeys of Reddy and BrownBobby closely, being very interested in all the details.

I've been interested in being incontinent for many years now, so finding out that surgery was available was VERY exciting!! Regarding the list of questions above... Being retired, I have a different take on some things. Since I retired, I've been pretty much diapered 24/7, always wetting in diapers. Often, I've used a homemade stent for weeks at a time, to be incontinent. I've enjoyed every bit of it. I've thought a lot about having the surgery. I have the money now to do it, however my elderly parents (Early 90's) rely on me a lot to help them, and I just can't disappear for 2 weeks. 

I AM trying a different method that I learned about on FetLife. A retired RN there has written much about becoming incontinent thru catheter use. Starting with a small size cath, and increasing in size every two weeks or so. He explains that over a period of time, the larger size catheters will stretch things out, causing incontinence after they are removed. I've also chatted with a few guys there who have done this, with success. Granted, it has taken SEVERAL months of non-stop catheter use, at sizes of 28 fr and 30 fr.  for them to reach that point. I started with size 16 fr some time ago, and now have a size 22fr in place, with plans to up-size to 24fr in a week or two.  I have started and stopped this process a few times over the last year, because I was having trouble tolerating sizes above 18fr. I've found that slow and steady is the answer.  The size 22fr that I have in now is quite comfortable and causing no issues. I also use a one-way valve on the end, to help prevent UTI's. If this method works, GREAT. If not, well I'm only out the price of some catheters.

Regarding the sex aspects of this, well I've been impotent for many years now since my late 50's. So sex doesn't really factor into this for me. Just being in diapers and wetting with no control gives me a lot of satisfaction. Regarding others knowing, well my doctors already know that I am a bedwetter, with occasional urge incontinence issues. And the older I get, the more incontinence is accepted as a fact of life. So family and friends finding out is no big deal to me.

As far as incontinence limiting my activities, hmm.... I've gone horseback riding, biking, skiing, zip-lining, rafting, kayaking, hiking, bowling, and some boring stuff, all while wearing thick disposable diapers, often with booster pads. Hasn't stopped me yet. Now if I decide to be a male exotic dancer, then I might have issues.

 

[cathdiap]

50 minutes ago, Diapered Dave said:

I've been interested in being incontinent for many years now, so finding out that surgery was available was VERY exciting!!

Same. I haven't been this excited since my children were born. And it's those same children that are holding me back the most from having that surgery.

50 minutes ago, Diapered Dave said:

I've thought a lot about having the surgery. I have the money now to do it, however my elderly parents (Early 90's) rely on me a lot to help them, and I just can't disappear for 2 weeks. 

That is a very good reason. You're a good son.

50 minutes ago, Diapered Dave said:

As far as incontinence limiting my activities, hmm.... I've gone horseback riding, biking, skiing, zip-lining, rafting, kayaking, hiking, bowling, and some boring stuff, all while wearing thick disposable diapers, often with booster pads. Hasn't stopped me yet. Now if I decide to be a male exotic dancer, then I might have issues.

It is true that the most common activities can also be done while wearing diapers. But simple things like showering at the gym, swimming with friends, going to the sauna, taking long walks in busy open areas, running etc. are almost impossible to do if you are incontinent and wearing a diaper. Getting hired for a job that requires a physical test becomes impossible.

[padded-nightly]

I've definitely thought about it quite a bit, but, remain firmly on the side of never wanting to do it , with no disrespect to the people who want this or have already done it.

 

Personally while I love wearing and have, over the past month, have found a newfound love of forced incontinence with caterers the idea of being 100% dependent forever is impossible to me. There are things in this world I want to do and places I want to go and see which are either more difficult or just impossibly difficult with diapers.

 

I would absolutely love some intermediate solution, something which left me controllably or intermittently incontinent. A remotely controllable memokath stent would be awesome

[Diapered Dave]

2 hours ago, cathdiap said:

It is true that the most common activities can also be done while wearing diapers. But simple things like showering at the gym, swimming with friends, going to the sauna, taking long walks in busy open areas, running etc. are almost impossible to do if you are incontinent and wearing a diaper. Getting hired for a job that requires a physical test becomes impossible.

Yup.... These things may affect some people. In my case, showering at the gym, swimming with friends, going to the sauna, and getting a job, don't apply. As far as taking long walks while diapered, I've done it many times... National parks, festivals, walking around a new city while on vacation. No problems.

I DO dress for it though... Long shirts that hang below my waist, pants and shorts an extra size or two larger. Plastic pants, in case my diaper has a tape failure.

[superabsorbantpolymer]

2 hours ago, Diapered Dave said:

Yup.... These things may affect some people. In my case, showering at the gym, swimming with friends, going to the sauna, and getting a job, don't apply. As far as taking long walks while diapered, I've done it many times... National parks, festivals, walking around a new city while on vacation. No problems.

I DO dress for it though... Long shirts that hang below my waist, pants and shorts an extra size or two larger. Plastic pants, in case my diaper has a tape failure.

Yep, I go to the gym and sauna daily in my diaper. I wear a onesie in the gym, and boxer briefs / towel in the sauna. I change into a fresh diaper in the gym shower before heading to my locker to get dressed. I buy cheap medical diapers usually from goodwill and use two per gym session (one for workout, one for changing in the shower that I stay in for an hour or so max).

I was inspired to do it from @Reddys posts about feeling awkward about managing his diapers at the gym. It was daunting at first but I no longer feel any self-consciousness. Nobody notices or cares.

There really isn't anything you can't do with urinary incontinence, provided you have good quality diapers. It is a massive and permanent step tho, and one I am reluctant to take myself. But it is very alluring and I have lived this life and know I enjoy it 99% of the time. But then there's times when having the option not to wear a diaper is nice. @Reddy, who jumped right into surgery, has posted several times about his frustrations with being stuck in diapers now, how he tries to go diaper free sometimes to "feel normal", invariably resulting in wet pants. While there's not much he can't do, he can't do anything without tending to his diapers. It's an expensive, embarrassing, and inconvenient cross to bear for life. I'll reassess if I still want it so bad in a decade. 

[padded-nightly]

55 minutes ago, superabsorbantpolymer said:

There really isn't anything you can't do with urinary incontinence.

I've done several self-supported hikes in my life and a few others which were supported by porters but otherwise into environments where either me personally, someone else, or an animal, were carrying everything I would need for a period of up to a month.

Would literally be impossible in diapers unless I wanted to take several extra porters or animals with me to pack in dry diapers and pack out my garbage.

It's not even a theoretical concern for me. I did one of these last year (Lukla to Everest Base Camp) and will do another this summer in Mongolia and possibly another trip to Afghanistan if the security situation holds and we can still arrange visas. I'm trying to work out logistics next year to hike the Darien gap.

I'm not saying nobody should do this, or that there aren't ways to do 99% of things, but for the people who are considering making this a 100% permanent irreversible part of their life, there are limits it will impose.

[foreverdl]

At my age I would Love to just be full on urine incontinent , I do dribble without knowing but not as much as I like, but I find myself while sitting watching TV just start peeing and I couldn't stop that without a diaper if I did I would still wet something ? I sneeze I leak, I fart I pee,,and when I sleep I don't remember every time I pee. So in some books that is a full time? But I am happy except I would have the surgery , if insurance paid for it. And I live on Disability pay after working 40 yrs. I have had fun at thrift stores when I get a Great find of diapers. I do Love the list of things, because if your 20 or 30 yrs old you really have NO idea on what your life will be in 40 yrs, I had no idea that I would be where I am in life, or for that matter that I would still be alive, at 20 I thought 35 was the end of life because that was really Old...... LOL

I have some catheter kits and I may get a chance to try them this weekend ? I will have time to myself .....Maybe I will get the nerve, my fears are only pain and infection .....

[padded-nightly]

43 minutes ago, foreverdl said:

I have some catheter kits and I may get a chance to try them this weekend ? I will have time to myself .....Maybe I will get the nerve, my fears are only pain and infection .....

I started experimenting with this this weekend. It's really awesome, highly recommended. I mention this on another thread here about it but UTIs are avoidable and manageable if you're smart about things. Be very clean when inserting the catheter, I've been supplementing with cranberry pills to keep the UTIs away and haven't had any but I also have a stock of antibiotics on hand, though I haven't had to use it fortunately.

As far as pain is concerned, it's not a painful thing to do. There can be some discomfort on insertion and after wearing for a few days but the only painful experience I had was when I was sizing up the catheter to see what my "correct" size was. Moved from an 18fr to a 20fr and when it reached my bladder neck I knew within a second it was too big and uncomfortable (briefly painful while trying to pass it). Sized back down to an 18fr and I was 100% good to go.

Try it, you won't regret it!

[DAQ]

On 3/31/2025 at 1:28 PM, cathdiap said:

It is true that the most common activities can also be done while wearing diapers. But simple things like showering at the gym, swimming with friends, going to the sauna, taking long walks in busy open areas, running etc. are almost impossible to do if you are incontinent and wearing a diaper. Getting hired for a job that requires a physical test becomes impossible.

I am trying to figure why wearing diapers would preclude someone from many of the activities you list. Showering at the gym, going to suana, long walks and running. Long runs might be a lot more difficult but I think one could manage. But the others you list just take A some prep and B just accepting that this is who you are. If you are incontinent, you need diapers. People walk around in the locker room in just their underwear all the time. Go into the sauna w/ a diaper on, problem solved. Even swimming is possible but takes more prep. That has always been my take on needing diapers 24/7. It just takes more prep work, I would say if anything it severely limits spontaneity. If that is important to you, then that is a problem

[superabsorbantpolymer]

Long haul treks where you carry all your food and gear for weeks would be impossible with diapers, but one could probably do it with a condom catheter.

[keyman419]

I can see some situations that would be more challenging with diaper dependence but for the most part, most things are still very doable. I also recognize that wearing diapers at times is more convenient as well. Not having to potty is a big step of not taking time away from other things. 

I've had a medical stent placed for a month and the freedom of dribbling 24/7 was euphoric while in. I made a spur of the moment decision to remove it and instantly regretted it. I have considered placing it again. I also have considered surgery and paid for a consult with Dr A about having it done. It's just a matter of scheduling now and making the commitment to proceed. Since I've had nullification surgery and having a reroute, wearing a diaper is very comfortable and easy to deal with since there's no hose to require proper positioning at all times. The pee comes out right between my legs now. The nullification is a life long, to the grave, decision as well and one I have no regrets with. Incontinence will have more lifestyle changes to deal with but I'm still working through that in my brain and my lifestyle. The idea of being in diapers is very comforting. I've talked to several privately who have had it done and the appeal is very high. When I proceed, the goal will be to dribble with no ability to control or stop the flow. The diaper fills very slowly and evenly as I've learned in the past. 

I'm excited about the possibility to get incontinence surgery and have the body function on its own with no control in that area. I know some find that controversial but everyone is different and should be allowed to pursue their own ideals. 

[rick50]

3 hours ago, keyman419 said:

I can see some situations that would be more challenging with diaper dependence but for the most part, most things are still very doable. I also recognize that wearing diapers at times is more convenient as well. Not having to potty is a big step of not taking time away from other things. 

I've had a medical stent placed for a month and the freedom of dribbling 24/7 was euphoric while in. I made a spur of the moment decision to remove it and instantly regretted it. I have considered placing it again. I also have considered surgery and paid for a consult with Dr A about having it done. It's just a matter of scheduling now and making the commitment to proceed. Since I've had nullification surgery and having a reroute, wearing a diaper is very comfortable and easy to deal with since there's no hose to require proper positioning at all times. The pee comes out right between my legs now. The nullification is a life long, to the grave, decision as well and one I have no regrets with. Incontinence will have more lifestyle changes to deal with but I'm still working through that in my brain and my lifestyle. The idea of being in diapers is very comforting. I've talked to several privately who have had it done and the appeal is very high. When I proceed, the goal will be to dribble with no ability to control or stop the flow. The diaper fills very slowly and evenly as I've learned in the past. 

I'm excited about the possibility to get incontinence surgery and have the body function on its own with no control in that area. I know some find that controversial but everyone is different and should be allowed to pursue their own ideals. 

I would be interested to hear more about the medical stent you mention if you are happy to share

[Enthusi]

It seems to me there are two separate but related themes: (1) Viability of becoming diaper dependent while living an active adult lifestyle; and (2) Getting surgery to induce diaper dependence. 

For me it doesn’t matter how limiting diapers are.   I can never go back to being continent.  It’s hard to make a case that diapers are better than having bladder control, but it is what it is.  I’ve essentially swapped out a human waste management system  that is convenient free, evolutionary adaptive, socially appropriate, and more hygienic for one that is expensive, cumbersome, taboo and socially uncomfortable.  

For what it’s worth, diapers haven’t impacted my ability to do things that much.  Hiking in the wilderness would be  difficult in diapers, but I’m not an outdoorsy person.   Frankly the biggest annoyance is being unable to pack lightly for weekend getaway trips.  I would love to be able fly somewhere for a few days with just a carry-on but that ain’t happening.   Oh well.  Life goes on.  Besides, I find that dealing with the challenges of living an active lifestyle while diaper dependent to be validating.  For instance, instead of simply going to the bathroom before a long car ride, I have to change into a fresh diaper and make sure I pack my diaper bag.  It’s a lot of work to get to the same endpoint. But I like knowing that I can’t just take off my diaper when it gets inconvenient. 

As for the question of surgery, that’s complicated.  I’ve had smashing success with my untraining.  Being more incontinent wouldn’t change my need for diapers.   And yet, I’m constantly plagued by self doubt if I’m “lazy” for preferring diapers. There’s an incessant monologue in my head telling me that I’m rationalizing an irrational desire to wear diapers 24/7.    With surgery I’d go from being 99.9% incontinent  to 100%.  It’s not worth it in terms of cost and risks, and so I don’t see myself going through with a surgery.  Though that 0.1% difference sure feels a lot bigger then that at times.  

 

[Don Incognito]

On 3/31/2025 at 3:32 PM, Diapered Dave said:

I AM trying a different method that I learned about on FetLife. A retired RN there has written much about becoming incontinent thru catheter use. Starting with a small size cath, and increasing in size every two weeks or so. He explains that over a period of time, the larger size catheters will stretch things out, causing incontinence after they are removed. I've also chatted with a few guys there who have done this, with success. Granted, it has taken SEVERAL months of non-stop catheter use, at sizes of 28 fr and 30 fr.  for them to reach that point. I started with size 16 fr some time ago, and now have a size 22fr in place, with plans to up-size to 24fr in a week or two.  I have started and stopped this process a few times over the last year, because I was having trouble tolerating sizes above 18fr. I've found that slow and steady is the answer.  The size 22fr that I have in now is quite comfortable and causing no issues. I also use a one-way valve on the end, to help prevent UTI's. If this method works, GREAT. If not, well I'm only out the price of some catheters.

You say you've heard from people for whom that actually worked? I read about that on Fetlife, and there was some dispute over whether it actually works.  Plus I've noticed that there exist catheters larger than 30fr (though I haven't seen any sold for human use) - I wonder if that would be helpful here?