I hate my life. (don't read this)

[SpiderBaby]

Hi guys! I just really needed to get this off my chest. I don't feel like I can talk about it with any of my other friends because I don't want to bring them down. But I just feel like I need to talk about this and this is the only sensible place to do so because not a lot of people read in this depression forum.

Anyway, I just feel like I've led more than half my life and I have nothing to show for it. I'm constantly having to battle within my own mind not to kill myself, always having the battle with my own feelings of inadequacy and I'm just so sick of it. I just want to feel normal. No matter what I do I always feel like I'm going through something and it's exhausting. I'm almost 30 years old and I feel like a worthless piece of crap and a waste of a life. I miss being young and naive like when I was 21. But truth be told, I was even going through bullshit back then as well and I just hated it. I don't know why I'm here on Earth anyway, it's not like I do anything of value. And I would just be happier if I was better off dead. I hate everything from my disabled body, to my crappie black genetics, to my weight, to my mental trauma, to my own brain for being too damn sensitive. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and most of all I hate being broken. I feel like every aspect of me is broken. My body, my heart, my mental state, my emotions, my thoughts, and I'm sick of it. I feel like I would feel better if I was terminally sick with cancer or something. At least then I would take solace in the fact that I'm saying goodbye to this hell hole called life on this God forsaken Earth. I just feel so sad and angry and hurt, and I'm tired of it. I wish the doctors didn't save me when I was born. I get that's one of the things that I'm really mad about because now I have to live is a disabled person when I don't want to. Doctors don't know shit, and even if they did it's not like they care about anything or considered how I would feel about them saving me years after the fact. I wish those doctors that saved me would just burn in hell. I hate this planet so much. It's not even words to describe my level of hatred for it. Not because of the people or anything but because of the bullshit that I've had to endure throughout my life.

[ABigDL]

**Hugs** You are loved. I love you. Everyone here loves you. You are a human being and we love you for it. We all are normal in our different ways. I know this will sound tacky and all that, but the world is a better place with you in it! 

[Rachael-Little]

So sorry your down, I think we all go through things.

Hang in there big hugs 

[SpiderBaby]

Hey guys! I just wanted to give an update. I feel pretty much the same. I don't like my mind and I really feel homesick today. (heaven) Some days I don't know why I continue to hang on or flight. I guess I just keep going because it's instinctual. But dealing with my mental health has always been very painful to me. I guess at this point I'm used to it. But I wish I could just give up and not think twice about it. I hit my mind the most because it's like a roller coaster of feelings and emotions that I sometimes just can't get out of. I hate constantly dealing with this. I hate my life so much.

[LilRugrat]

First off, hugs, big big hugs 🫂 I 100% understand how you are feeling right now. I have been there. Where you wake up and go, "why couldnt i just die in my sleep?" I have come a long way from that point, but the thoughts never go away completely. 

You are very loved and cared about especially on this site (we are family). It sounds like to me part of this is you are placing social norms as your value, and that my friend is dangerous. I know because i lived many years doing it.

If you feel like, try writing a list of everything you feel is wrong with you. Then one by one ask yourself where did I pick this up? If you go by society standards many of us will be lacking. Hopefully this doesn't sound too preachy. 

I have been there in your shoes. I am still not happy with my body and still upset i let myself get the weight i did but im a working progress, its about progress, not perfection. Hugs 🫂

Lilrugrat ❤️ 

[Dirty Boy]

I understand how you feel, as i wrote in another thread: i feel like a total failure. i'm well into my 40s and have never had a relationship with a woman. After the pandemic, i also lost my job, which wasn't great but at least it was permanent. My health isn't great either, as i suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and an overactive bladder. I basically have a life without goals or hopes, completely empty. I've even had thoughts of ending it all, but I've never had the courage until now.

[Albert-1701]

On 7/13/2025 at 8:55 AM, Dirty Boy said:

I understand how you feel, as i wrote in another thread: i feel like a total failure. i'm well into my 40s and have never had a relationship with a woman. After the pandemic, i also lost my job, which wasn't great but at least it was permanent. My health isn't great either, as i suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and an overactive bladder. I basically have a life without goals or hopes, completely empty. I've even had thoughts of ending it all, but I've never had the courage until now.

I do understand how all of you who say that you feel like ending your life feel. I have often thought that way myself. In fact, I have often every night when I go to bed prayed sliently to GOD and asked him to either do it for me or tell me a way that HE would want me to do it myself that HE would approve of.

The reasons for this are:

1. The world situation with all of those who are causing all the hatred and threats of nuclear war.

2. The fact that a lot of things that happen to me on a daily basis are things that get me very upset.

3. The fact that I feel like life does not mean anything to me and that I would be better off dead than alive.

I have also had some dreams that tells me that there is life after death. It is only our bodies that die. We go on in a totaly different form. The dreams are as foolows. 

1. When I was 5 years of age a close relative died. I asked my father what it meant that this realative died. He told me that the relative went to Heaven and that I would not see this relative for a very long time until it was my turn to also die. He further said that he hoped it would not be my turn for a very, very long time. That night when I went to bed, I woke up at about 3:00 A.M. to a strange noise outside my window. All the sudden the lights in my room came on. Keep in mind that this was only a dream. I did not actually wake up. A strange man who was totally faceless and dressed in a very bright white robbe appeared to come right through the window without breaking the glass. He appeared to me to be GOD. HE said the following to me: "Albert, do not be scared, I am GOD and I am here to tell you that your relative is now in my hands and I will take care of this relative very well. You will get your turn when I feel it should be. Now go back to bed." With that he just dissapeared and the lights when off.

2. When I was 10 years of age I had my first girl friend. NO -- THERE WAS NO THOUGHT OF SEX WITH HER. SHE WAS JUST A GIRL THAT I LIKED AND SHE LIKED ME. We were walking home from school one day with some of our friends. There was an area that was surrounded by a chain link fence that wa son a U.S. Military Instrallation. It had barbed wire on most of it. There was a locked gate with no barbed wire. Our friends wanted to climb over the gate to take a short cut. We did not and they called us all kinds of nasty names,. They climbed the fence and took the short cut. We did not. We went the normal way. It took us about 5 minutes more to go the right way. When we got to the same place our friends were being arrested for going the way they did. They were not actually being taken to jail. They were going to be brought home to their parents and their parents told what they did. One of the boys called out our names. At that time one of the military police offers came over to us and asked if we knew thses other boy and girls. When we said that we did, he congratulated us for going the right way. He further said that we were not going to be taken to our parents and told that we did the wrong thing. Instead that we would be taken to our parents and that our parents would be told that we were to be rewarded for doing the right thing. That night when I went to bed, shortly after I fell asleep again there was a strange nouse outside my window. The same man appeared in my room again. I knew that HE was GOD. He said to me that I was to be congratulated by HIM for doing the right thing. HE also said that he was going to go to my girl friend and tell her the very same thing. When I woke up for good in the morning my father said that he would take me to the military exchange on Saturday and buy something for me that I really wanted and had asked for several times. That day when I was walking to school with my girl friend I told her about the dream. As for our friends they were expelled from school for the rest of that week and the next week. She gave me the wierdest look you can imagine and told me that she had almost the same dream. The only difference was that when GOD entered her room through the window, HE first told her that HE had just come from my room. HE then told her the very same thing. When she woke up in the moring her father told her that he would do the very same thing  for her.

These two dreams told me that there is a GOD and that HE will always look out for us and that HE will always be there when we really need HIM to be. Since those two dreams I have never feared death and I know that when I do die that GOD will be there for me. I will go to Heaven and the GOD will welcome me there, As for what GOD may think if I do end my life, I do believe that when the time comes if it is to be at my hands an not at GODS HANDS that he will tell me that is they way that HE wants it to be and exactly how HE wants me to do. That at that time HE will approve of my doing it myself as long as it is exactly the way that HE tells me that it is the way HE wants me to do it.

That will be the way that I will die. GOD will tell me that it is my time and that is they way that it is to be done. YES -- GOD WILL NOT BE MAD AT ME AND HE WILL APPROVE OF IT BEING DONE IN THAT WAY.

Albert

enemasub

1701-albert@proton.me

[Dirty Boy]

I think if there is a God, he has forgotten about me, my life is horrible, i even tried to go to church a few times, but i received no comfort, only loneliness

[Albert-1701]

3 hours ago, Dirty Boy said:

I think if there is a God, he has forgotten about me, my life is horrible, i even tried to go to church a few times, but i received no comfort, only loneliness

As for GOD forgetting about you, remember this. There is a country/western song called "Some of GODS greatest answers. In it some of the words are "Some of GODS greatest answers are the answered prayers. That does not mean that he has forgotten about you.  Keep this in mind that if he does not answer you, it does not mean that he has forgotten about you. HE still loves you as much as HE would if HE answered you."

Albert

ememasub

1701-albert@proton.me

[Dirty Boy]

if he loves me like this, i don't dare to imagine if he hated me