Looking for an objective voice in a relationship issue.

[Findingacceptance]

I wasn't sure where else to put this. it didn't seem to fit anywhere else.

Friends,

I am looking for objectivity here, and I don’t want this to just become an echo chamber for what you think I want to hear. I have a dire relationship situation.

I have always fantasized about ageplay, both giving and receiving so to speak, for years. I have suppressed it for years also. I’ve shared my story here other times before, but here’s a summation: when dating, wife said she would baby me. First child conceived, and now I’m surrounded by baby stuff at all times. I bring it up, and she tells me that she thought I was kidding. That first conversation happened about 6 years ago. Since then, she has tried to get into it. We played once. A couple of weeks ago, she got drunk and told me about how she’s tried so hard to be everything that I wanted and it hurt her that she couldn’t, and I decided that it wasn’t fair that she would have to work that hard at something so I decided to try and give it up. I started distancing myself from the community, deleted my podcasts, and tried to delete my FetLife, DD, and other accounts.

Two weeks ago, I get a message from a user who saw my post about being a non-sexual little. They were curious and new to the whole thing, and I, being someone who has been in that situation, offered to help.

We started talking more, and more, and then we started to RP. She had a boyfriend, I had a wife, but no one knew how to take care of us the way that we wanted to be. We started talking a little more seriously, and then tried to figure out way to still stay friends because we were uncomfortable with the sneaking around. This girl matched me in every way as far as our ageplay interests. We were switches. I liked to be the CG more. She liked to be Little more. We started talking about other things: big relationship things. We even spent an entire day sharing all of our dark hidden parts and everything looking for some incompatibilities. We found 3. She likes to hunt, and I can’t kill an animal. She doesn’t like country music while I like a few songs. She doesn’t put things back in their place and I do.  In everything else, we clicked. It was totally different from my current relationship where i worry constantly about making her happy and i cant get into deep topics because my wife cant follow. She seriously made me consider leaving my wife. Still does.

My wife found us texting and, long story short, issued the ultimatum that it’s either my fetish or it’s her, but one of them is going away. 

If I leave, I have no where to go. My family would disapprove of choosing ageplay over my wife. I would have to leave all vehicles and my home behind to ensure that she and my kids had a way to get back and forth and be taken care of. 

I’m willing to give up all of this, but I am afraid that I won’t be able to hide my unhappiness with it. Both women want me to be happy, but I don’t know how to be. More so, I’m worried that if I stay, my body will betray me in that I won’t be able to be intimate without ageplay, or at least the feelings I get from it.

If we are not clicking intimately, if she is unwilling to go to counseling, if I am not able to peacefully give this all up, if I need to completely cut contact with someone who has become a close friend and confidant, what should I do?
Do I leave all of this behind and fix my relationship at the expense of a part of myself, or do I leave my current life behind in favor of complete uncertainty but at least I’ll be whole.

 

Please do not reduce this down to choosing the LIttle or my Wife. I am in pain right now, and I am looking for complete objectivity. If I’m an ass, tell me so. If I am in the wrong, let me know.

[~Brian~]

7 hours ago, Findingacceptance said:

I wasn't sure where else to put this. it didn't seem to fit anywhere else.

Friends,

I am looking for objectivity here, and I don’t want this to just become an echo chamber for what you think I want to hear. I have a dire relationship situation.

I have always fantasized about ageplay, both giving and receiving so to speak, for years. I have suppressed it for years also. I’ve shared my story here other times before, but here’s a summation: when dating, wife said she would baby me. First child conceived, and now I’m surrounded by baby stuff at all times. I bring it up, and she tells me that she thought I was kidding. That first conversation happened about 6 years ago. Since then, she has tried to get into it. We played once. A couple of weeks ago, she got drunk and told me about how she’s tried so hard to be everything that I wanted and it hurt her that she couldn’t, and I decided that it wasn’t fair that she would have to work that hard at something so I decided to try and give it up. I started distancing myself from the community, deleted my podcasts, and tried to delete my FetLife, DD, and other accounts.

Two weeks ago, I get a message from a user who saw my post about being a non-sexual little. They were curious and new to the whole thing, and I, being someone who has been in that situation, offered to help.

We started talking more, and more, and then we started to RP. She had a boyfriend, I had a wife, but no one knew how to take care of us the way that we wanted to be. We started talking a little more seriously, and then tried to figure out way to still stay friends because we were uncomfortable with the sneaking around. This girl matched me in every way as far as our ageplay interests. We were switches. I liked to be the CG more. She liked to be Little more. We started talking about other things: big relationship things. We even spent an entire day sharing all of our dark hidden parts and everything looking for some incompatibilities. We found 3. She likes to hunt, and I can’t kill an animal. She doesn’t like country music while I like a few songs. She doesn’t put things back in their place and I do.  In everything else, we clicked. It was totally different from my current relationship where i worry constantly about making her happy and i cant get into deep topics because my wife cant follow. She seriously made me consider leaving my wife. Still does.

My wife found us texting and, long story short, issued the ultimatum that it’s either my fetish or it’s her, but one of them is going away. 

If I leave, I have no where to go. My family would disapprove of choosing ageplay over my wife. I would have to leave all vehicles and my home behind to ensure that she and my kids had a way to get back and forth and be taken care of. 

I’m willing to give up all of this, but I am afraid that I won’t be able to hide my unhappiness with it. Both women want me to be happy, but I don’t know how to be. More so, I’m worried that if I stay, my body will betray me in that I won’t be able to be intimate without ageplay, or at least the feelings I get from it.

If we are not clicking intimately, if she is unwilling to go to counseling, if I am not able to peacefully give this all up, if I need to completely cut contact with someone who has become a close friend and confidant, what should I do?
Do I leave all of this behind and fix my relationship at the expense of a part of myself, or do I leave my current life behind in favor of complete uncertainty but at least I’ll be whole.

 

Please do not reduce this down to choosing the LIttle or my Wife. I am in pain right now, and I am looking for complete objectivity. If I’m an ass, tell me so. If I am in the wrong, let me know.

@Findingacceptance

It sounds to me. as an objective observer, that you have a issue where you have a family, a wife, and fetish, and a lady who would be willing to help you indulge the fetish and you are now at a crossroads - You have to make a choice: It is one of the hardest things I think anyone would have to do.  Do you stay with your Family, and give up the fetish, or do you leave your family, start from scratch, and continue the fetish with this lady, hoping that you will be able to continue this new relationship?  You also could decide to leave your wife, and the new relationship, and still have the fetish, but be single - This is a Hard Decision, and I know it is hard to make.

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I have always fantasized about ageplay, both giving and receiving so to speak, for years. I have suppressed it for years also. I’ve shared my story here other times before, but here’s a summation: when dating, wife said she would baby me. First child conceived, and now I’m surrounded by baby stuff at all times. I bring it up, and she tells me that she thought I was kidding. That first conversation happened about 6 years ago. Since then, she has tried to get into it. We played once. A couple of weeks ago, she got drunk and told me about how she’s tried so hard to be everything that I wanted and it hurt her that she couldn’t, and I decided that it wasn’t fair that she would have to work that hard at something so I decided to try and give it up.

I don't know your situation any more than you have specified, but one question I have is:  Is your wife objecting to your fetish as a whole, or is she simply objecting to the fact that she found you texting with the "little" as you call her, and believes that this is considered "cheating?"  If she and you had a discussion while dating, and she agreed to "baby you" and then another  a while ago and she agreed to "baby you" and then said that she was kidding, then you have an issue of the fact that she is NOT into the fetish as much as maybe you thought she was, and she is probably not going to be into it.  It sounds like she is not into the fetish, or may not indulge very often, if at all, and you may not be able to ageplay with your wife. 

However, she and you may be able to come to an agreement so that you can still have your fetish, but she is Vanilla to it, and allows you to indulge in certain activities.  This way, you still feel whole, and you won't be as depressed as you would be if you gave up everything, including the fetish, and started over from the ground - It has happened before, but I will tell you that the emotional pain and scars that you would experience would be DEVASTATING - You'd probably miss your kids, YOUR family, and maybe even second guess the decisions you make, wondering if you made the right decision - Then you would be EVEN MORE depressed.  It sounds like your wife is also experiencing pain and struggle too, so she is hurting as well, and maybe she is also processing similar or possibly different emotions - It would all depend on what she is thinking/believing/dealing with in her head. 

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so I decided to try and give it up.  I started distancing myself from the community, deleted my podcasts, and tried to delete my FetLife, DD, and other accounts.

OK: Objectively speaking:  You have been in this lifestyle, and if you have the love of diapers, or ageplay, or other extensions of this fetish, it would be silly for me to say that you should just "give it up cold turkey", and then distance yourself from the community, deleting all your accounts, podcasts, etc.  You can suppress the feelings, the  actions, and the urges that you get by indulging, but I don't honestly believe that you will be able to "delete" these feelings, actions, emotions, etc, and leave the community - You can't really do that: You WILL always have these "tendencies."  You will like Ageplay, littles, diapers, etc - Your Emotions will still be there, the feelings, the smells, etc - Those are NOT going anywhere - that is something that you are NEVER going to forget, or "give up."  You also would NOT want to give up a great support system:  DD helped **me** with finding acceptance for why I felt like I liked diapers, and why I feel the way(s) I did -  maybe your should hit up @rosalie.bent - Maybe she has some suggestions - I know her books helped me, and a relationship like this is not as "cut and dry" or "easy" to deal with sometimes - There are extenuating circumstances here, and leaving the community would still leave you with these feelings, and may make them even stronger - Don't give up the community support - TRUST me, I almost did that once, and it almost KILLED ME!!

 

 

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I’m willing to give up all of this, but I am afraid that I won’t be able to hide my unhappiness with it. Both women want me to be happy, but I don’t know how to be. More so, I’m worried that if I stay, my body will betray me in that I won’t be able to be intimate without ageplay, or at least the feelings I get from it.

If we are not clicking intimately, if she is unwilling to go to counseling, if I am not able to peacefully give this all up, if I need to completely cut contact with someone who has become a close friend and confidant, what should I do?
Do I leave all of this behind and fix my relationship at the expense of a part of myself, or do I leave my current life behind in favor of complete uncertainty but at least I’ll be whole.

Lets get real here man:  IF you give up this lifestyle, you will still experience the "Unhappiness" and other emotions that you would experience: This is because you would give it UP - You are still gonna have these urges and feelings regardless of what your decision is.  I URGE BOTH OF YOU to seek counseling for this situation - There are so many dynamics flying around that are all a part of the "Big Picture" and I would hate for you and your wife to separate/divorce because of this - You also have children, and I don't envy you at all - going through stuff like this is hard, Harder for them, probably, because they can sense something is UP - Family is important, but you also have to be able to find common ground, and keep your head, and keep YOURSELF happy as well - Its Hard -  But whatever you do, do not make a hasty decision.......That could be heart breaking and could lead to extreme depression, which is NOTHING to mess with!

 

 

Please do not reduce this down to choosing the LIttle or my Wife. I am in pain right now, and I am looking for complete objectivity. If I’m an ass, tell me so. If I am in the wrong, let me know.

 

I would NOT do that:  Its NOT just choosing between the "Little" and the "Wife."  Its about dealing with emotions. feelings, actions and other things.  This situation isn't as easy as that.  You have Kids, Wife, Family, Fetish, Little, etc, and you have to make a choice.  If we were to break down this, and take everything else out, (fetish, kids, little) I could easily say that your wife "caught you" texting, considers it cheating, and asked you to make a choice.  Her or the "other woman."  That is black and white - BUT, this is NOT a Black and white situation - Your fetish is part of YOU makes YOU whole - So, is she asking you to give up a part of what makes you unique - It sounds like it, but she and you will have to have a discussion on this, and as I stated, I URGE you BOTH to get professional help - You won't be able to deal with these issues alone.

I wish you all the best - Good Luck!

Brian

 

 

 

[rosalie.bent]

I am sorry you are in this dilemma with seemingly no realistic option but let me start with an admonishment that you did a really dumb thing. Texting and playing the way you did is a form of cheating and your wife has a reason to be angry with you. You screwed up big time. I understand why, but that doesnt justify it. At the very least you need to sincerely apologise to her for your bad judgement. And really, do you think that a text conversation is a reason to consider leaving your wife?  That is dumb and again, I know why you are feeling the way you are.

Now that the lecture is over, let's look at a solution.

First: Apologise for your silliness and accept that you did wrong. Yes, it is unilateral, but that's how genuine repentance works. An honest and open apology.

Two: you need a deep and honest conversation with your wife about the realities of the situation. Get her some books, find some online reliable resources and explain to her the one difficult fact that ABDL IS PART OF WHO PEOPLE ARE. It is not something that can be removed and if it is a strong drive, it cannot be ignored and not acted upon. Now this might be red rag to a bull so you need to take is slowly and AFTER you apologised for your idiotic behaviour. We ALL know why you did it - trying to find some outlet for this insatiable ABDL need through an inappropriate action. Whatever you do, dont try and justify your actions. Just hope that she works it out on her own.

I have emailed a number of wives in your situation and often been frustrated by the inflexibiliity and the readyness to kill a relationship over a unusual but trivial issue like wearing diapers. Yes, it is odd and a bit embarrassing but having experienced a mammoth change in my own hubby after allowing his baby side to be expressed, I try to tell them about the solution that is staring them in the face.  But some do actually see the sense of compromising over diaper wearing for the sake of not only saving a relationship but massively improving it. But other don't and I question their motives.

So, start with a genuine apology but dont promise what you cant deliver. We all know that you CANT 'give up ABDL'. It is no different to the flawed idea of 'gay conversion therapy'. You cant alter a person's basic identity. If they are gay, they are always gay. If they are trans, they are always so and have always been so. And ABDL folk have ALWAYS been ABDL.

If she will email me, I will answer her.

[oznl]

It sounds like you’re on the back foot in this since somehow the whiff of marital infidelity has gotten conflated with a whiff of diaper: as a wife, what’s not to hate?

I’m a little wary about giving advice because I’m not sure I necessarily stand as any kind of light on a hill here but I *can* safely share my experience.

Firstly, when I was 34, I thought it was a fetish too.  For me at least, turns out it wasn’t (although I had a lot of fun using it as one!) 

For me, the proposition before you would be untenable though.  I found out that it’s baked in deep, never goes away and repressing it (as my partner pushed me to do) just made things much worse over time.  I eventually hit some kind of a mental crisis over this.  I realise I couldn’t have bargained this part of myself out of the marital deal no matter how genuine my efforts were.

My wife still hates this but has reluctantly accepted that it’s not of my choosing.  I had to get her to understand this.  If she also thought it was just a fetish, we’d never have gotten the little way we did get.  She now believes (as do I) that this is closer to a kind of dysphoria. 

I will never expect her to engage or participate.  I can only demand toleration.  Can you live with that?  I can.

Incidentally, I also claim the right to have friends of ANY gender in return for which I will remain faithful to her in thought AND action.  If she will not discuss this part of me then I may choose to discuss it with others.  We had some hard conversations about what a “controlling relationship” looked like, not aligned with the gender norms you’d expect…

Sad news: if you DO proceed to separation, prepare for the diaper thing to be weaponised against you.  Hell hath no fury…

[NotGrownUp]

Is there a way to make it less all-or-nothing? Perhaps propose that you cut contact with this girl and abstain from ABDL stuff for a month or two. Hopefully bi the end of that,, either you'll have realised you don't need i as much as you think or uour wife will realise you do. Don't do this unless you're prepared for her just giving up on you, though.

[Findingacceptance]

I would like to clear up a couple of things. Our impasse right now is not my wanting to be an Adult Baby. I like taking care of adult babies, and that is what she objects to. I know that this is probably a semantic argument, but the truth is that this is the impasse. If she doesn't want to be my Little, then I have no choice but to give up that idea. This isn't about me wanting to wear, only. 

Yes, I did a stupid thing. Yes, I genuinely apologized. The initial argument was not about my texting someone, but my hiding it. I told her that I thought she didn't want anything to do with my ABDL conversations, even just talking to friends, no funny business, and so I was hiding it from her. She was upset about my hiding it, but it's not what made her consider leaving. When she said that she doesn't mind my interest in it but she can't participate, I told her that I thought I needed some participation. This was the line in the sand, so to speak. In truth, it has nothing to do with another person, but everything to do with what I perceive my needs to be right now. I feel like I need to participate in this, that I can't just keep it inside. But I have no available options to do that. I have tried to go slowly, to take baby steps so to speak, but we've come to this ultimatum where I either choose her or I choose my fetish. I am trying to make things right. I have apologized, compromised, scourged myself with emotional whips, and been upfront about choosing her over everything. But I don't know if I can keep that promise because my wife and fetish become mutually exclusive, then I don't know how to split myself like that. 

So now, she tells me how broken and hurt she is, how untrusting, how I'm going to have to woo her back, but I don't even know if she wants me to succeed. When we first met, I knew that she liked me, and I liked her. But now, I don't know how she feels and I'm not shown or told which makes it difficult. 

[NotGrownUp]

If you can't live without ABDL, and she can't live with it, then you can't live together. Perhaps tri to at least part as friends?

[oznl]

On 6/11/2020 at 3:27 AM, Findingacceptance said:

I would like to clear up a couple of things. Our impasse right now is not my wanting to be an Adult Baby. I like taking care of adult babies, and that is what she objects to. I know that this is probably a semantic argument, but the truth is that this is the impasse. If she doesn't want to be my Little, then I have no choice but to give up that idea. This isn't about me wanting to wear, only.

Yeah, ok.  Sorry. I don't think I read your post carefully enough.

This is a less-clear proposition for me.  I have the right to be me and I claim that.  However, by that very same maxim, my partner has the right to be her.  I can demand her tolerance but I may not demand her participation. 

Adding to the potent mix, you're exploring a relationship dynamic with a 3rd party.  I'm sure you can see how many partners would find that threatening.

As I'm a rusted-on-from-infancy DL, my psyche may be wired differently.  I could no more excise my DL drive than I could choose not to see clouds.  Maybe this aspect of yourself you may find negotiable, maybe not.

Maybe sort that out in your head and if it is uneraseable, best to get that out on the table early as the longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

[BlakeJordan]

[mention]rosalie.bent [/mention] Given the motivation of needing to be a caregiver rather than cared for, do you have any suggestions here? I recall a recent newsletter from you mentioning a new book that focused on the caregiver perspective, but it seems like it’s target audience was women/wives. Could the lessons apply here?

[mention]Findingacceptance [/mention] I’m wondering if coming at this from a different perspective might be helpful. The first thing that comes to mind is a discussion and exploration between the two of you about the five love languages. See https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages#Summary

This would achieve an understanding of how each of you prefers to express and receive love, and why. If there is overlap in the acts of service and touch that may be the first step for some common ground.

This can also give you some insight on why you are driven to the caregiver/big role. Is it rooted in the abdl lifestyle or is the abdl lifestyle the most familiar framework to express your love languages; which seem to be acts of service and touch.

The underlying goal here is to see if the act of caring/service/touch can be decoupled from and expressed/fulfilled in ways that meet your needs and is not just tolerated but welcomed by your wife.


It may be the case that no, it can’t. Coupling is (in my opinion) a very undervalued concept for seeing, and navigating the world. It may be that the root of your drive is tightly coupled with the abdl lifestyle, or in the realm of a D/s dynamic, either of which is really good information for you and your wife.

We suck at communicating with anyone but ourselves, and kinda suck at even understanding our own motivations (at least for me this is true throughout every interaction and aspect of my life).

My hope is that through this exploration it can give you both clarity, frameworks, and options. I am in no way invalidating you’re need to be a caregiver/big etc. and I do not assume to know how much of this role is tied to love languages vs relationship dynamics (D/s, bdsm etc ). I do however believe that those questions need be found in order to move forward.

I also agree with others here that both of you have the inherent right to be authentic, be and express yourself, and not be in shame of who you are and what/how you love. Love and relationships take energy, time, work, and constant growth and refinement of the so many tools. From empathy, communication, and sacrifice, to gifts of love that the other person wants and needs. It’s about finding that line in the sand, nudging it this way and that. It’s about truly understanding what you need and can live without, what you can give vs not give up. Love and a healthy relationship should be about meeting your partner where they are at, and meet their needs without sacrificing your own. Respecting boundaries, agency, and the person. Building something together that is more than the sum of it’s parts, not looking for someone to make you whole, you need to and are the only one that can do that. Rather it’s about to wholes coming together. 1+1=3