Looking for feedback on a non-abdl fetish story

[ARNB19]

Hi, I've been working on a transgender story, posting it sporadically over the last couple years, on a different site. Not everyone's cup of tea I know, but I was hoping to get some feedback from other writers. I'm kind of stuck, I have a bit of an idea for how to continue but I don't know if it's the right direction. I'd also like to improve my writing as well if anyone would be willing to offer tips. If anyone is interested in reading it, let me know and I can send a link your way.

[ARNB19]

Since the thread is getting lots of views but no one seems to want to ask I'll post the link to the story if that's allowed. If anyone wants to give it a read and offer some feedback I'd be most grateful. I know it's no work of art and character development for the secondary characters isn't much but I'm not really out to write a lot more than what's here. If anyone reads it I'd love to know your thoughts.

https://www.tgstorytime.com/viewstory.php?sid=3978

[LittlePeanut16]

I will reply to this thread when I finish the story or have something I need to say or ask. Okay?

[LittlePeanut16]

Chapter 1

Maybe a little bit more description on Chris' family? I feel the story would have been better started with Chris doing something or in dialogue, for example, maybe instead of explaining that Chris was expecting to go on the annual trip with his family, but his parents bought him some long underwear that he didn't approve of, we could start with dialogue.This 

"Mom! They make me look like I have chicken legs!" Chris exclaimed, pulling at the garment.

"It's not as if anyone's going to see your legs..."

This works better because there's no unnecessary exposition and the reader is able to infer through dialogue that Chris and his family are going on a ski trip, rather than blatantly telling them. 

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Once again, more description on Chris' family, on what he looks like. This is difficult, as just telling us what they look like can seem boring, almost like unnecessary exposition in the beginning of a fantasy novel, but if you can make it pertain to the story, it can make the details of the character stick a bit better. For example, what if Chris' mom bought him a size too small? You'd have to describe that the longjohns just barely fit him because his mother either forgot his size or that was the only option available at the time, meaning that Chris isn't a smaller guy.

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I do like that you've added, within dialogue, that Kathryn seems to be a bit more caught up in superficial things like make-up, showing off, etc. 

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Work on transitioning. When there is a passage of time in your story that you don't wish to write about because it doesn't pertain to your story, you need to cut it off. Think of it as mini-chapters within the chapter. Do you see how I'm putting three dashes between each critique? It's transitionary, you know that when I put that down, I'm talking about a different part of the chapter all together. Find your niche, figure out how you'd like to do that, because to me it seems that you're skipping parts of the story, which you should be, but aren't giving the reader much notice. 

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"Chris and Kate headed out to the slopes. For siblings they got along fairly well. Kate was 20 and went to college close to home. She was quite pretty and had been reasonably popular around school, a cheerleader and volleyball player. She knew her brother didn’t have a lot of friends so she was nice enough to him and even let him sit with her at lunch in school now and then when they had been in high school together. Chris was 18 and what a lot of people would call a nerd. He enjoyed Dungeons and Dragons with his few friends as well as being interested in Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and the like. He was part of the local swim team and was pretty good despite his small frame as his muscles were toned; he was actually shorter than his sister. (The swim team was in offseason now so his hair was longer than the brush cut he kept when he was swimming 6 days a week)" I like this. I used to swim competitively for 7 years and have coached competitive swim for the past three, most of the time that I swam I had a high and tight, most of the kids that I taught had high and tights. Very realistic. Usually people who are longer in swimming have a competitive advantage, and people with smaller frames are usually much faster. Being tall and lanky gives a kid a huge advantage in the water.

I like that I'm able to see what life was like for Chris and Kate before this ski trip, I like being able to see them as real characters within a story, rather than just a catalyst for me to get off on erotica. Once again, however, this could be better conveyed in dialogue, or in some way that pertains to the story, say, if Chris saw a pool on his way to the ski lodge and Kate commented on his past. Or if they passed by their old High School and Chris was sucked back into nostalgia, thinking about what life for him was like as a student. But props to you for giving these characters depth.

And that's all for Chapter 1.

So far, I like the story and it has potential, you mention that you've been writing this off and on for a few years, yes? You're doing well!

 

Chapter 2

"The next morning they all got up and ate a big breakfast. Chris went to get ready for a full day of skiing, “Mom, my long johns are still damp from last night they got all sweaty. I can’t wear them today.”' Very abrupt beginning. When trying to figure out a way to fix it, the best I can come up with is just more description. Something like, "Chris poked at his long johns, smiling as he felt a dry spot. Not thinking to check everywhere else, he started to put them on himself, only to find that at the foot of the longjohns, some of the sweat that accumulated from yesterday hadn't dried. He cringed as he took off the longjohns and poked his head out of his room, hoping not to reveal himself as he said..."

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You described Jamie and Jordan! Great!

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'“Don’t worry he won’t ditch his brother for me, unless he’s got a to hang out with too.”' What?

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'“I guess, I mean you’ve done a lot for me since I got to high school, I’d be in nerd hell without you.”'

Two things.

In the entire conversation here, neither party does anything but talk, if you can, it would seem more real for someone to be doing something as they talk. Like, Kate could be folding her clothes, she could be cleaning up her face after the makeup she put on for that day. Chris is being put up against a wall in this scene, metaphorically, what if you portrayed that literally? He walks in, they have this convo and he walks back into a wall as she gets up and starts looking her brother up and down, figuring out how hard it might be to feminize him. It would show the dichotomy really well, and would serve as foreshadowing.

The other issue I have with this portion of Chapter 2 is that Chris seems to be going along with it. It's like he doesn't really care and just lets it happen. I understand him and Kate have quite the history, but he seems to be a very passive character and is just letting all of this happen to him. Now I'm a sissy, I like dressing up, I like feeling cute and pretty, but assuming Chris is a regular guy... you'd think he'd pick a better fight when asked to do something so emasculating.

 

Chapter 3

'“Here put these on,” She handed him a pair of Uggs that matched her own and put his boots into a shopping bag. “They’re a little more feminine' Maybe that should be it's own paragraph, and you forgot a quotation mark, just a simple grammatical error.

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Things seem to be going pretty quickly for Chris. Once again, he doesn't seem to have any internal conflict, he doesn't seem conflicted or even caring that he's been asked out. Even if Chris isn't "normal" and does have a fetish or kink for dressing up or even if he was trans, wouldn't he be at least worried about what might happen if things get a bit out of hand? Or what if he gets too aroused and gets an erection, showing that he isn't really a girl? He seems to be all too willing to let this happen to him.

I mean, he does complain that this isn't normal, but after just one line of dialogue his sister is able to convince him to shave himself, presumably in the eventuality that this might go a bit farther than he thinks. Once again, he just seems to go with it, like it's not too big a deal. Even if he does look the part and they don't figure out he's a guy, Chris is still fixing to have sexual relations with a man. Now the sexuality of Chris was never revealed in the text but we can see in the data for the story that Chris eventually only becomes attracted to men. Alluding to the idea that his attraction to women was negated some way? If that's the case...

I don't think a straight guy, or a guy who thinks he's straight, would be very keen on the idea of partaking in homosexual sex.

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Kate even comments on the fact that Chris has kinda just went with it, they suggest that he might be gay, might even be transgender. This of course may all be true, but I would've liked to see much more character development on this because it seems like it's just a quirk about Chris. I want to feel happy that Chris feels he can be honest with himself finally, that he can be himself. Maybe, "herself" would be the better pronoun. But again, there was no real buildup to this revelation, maybe if he'd been in conflict with himself and when he realized he had feelings for Jamie, could have realized that this wasn't too bad at all. He likes this portion of his life more than he liked living as a guy. 

I really. Really want to feel happy for Chris, but it kinda just comes outta nowhere and Chris ends up accepting it and going forward like nothing changes. But everything changes.

This being said, I'm excited to read the next few chapters and see where this goes.

 

Chapter 4

Something I didn't notice until right now is that you're now referring to Chris as Kris, which, well, is his her name. I like that. I might be reading too much into it, but I think you referring to Chris as Kris is a reflection on how she looks at herself. When the character looks into the mirror, she sees Kris, not Chris. Very, very interesting.

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'“That’d be wonderful,” Kris said. “Picking up a box, with B cup breasts and a new midsection prosthetic in her skin tone.' - Lacking a quotation mark.

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You're becoming so much more descriptive in your writing. Great job!

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Things seem to be moving a bit faster, but you've gotten better at transitioning. All in all, a good chapter!

 

Chapter 5

Once again, I like the support Kate gives to Kris, maybe a bit more description there would be nice.

Mmmmmmmm. Personally I like some dominant men, would've liked for it to go farther, however, it is nice that Kris was very adament and honest about her boundaries regarding sex, and it was sweet that Jamie more or less acknowledged, accepted and was more than willing to accomodate for that. It's a short chapter, but a sweet one, definitely.

 

All in all the story has potential! I like it alot, I just wish there was a bit more internal conflict in Kris's journey towards womanhood. There's decent buildup for Kris' eventual sexual encounter with Jamie and I think, given just a bit of editing in the earlier chapters and some equally sweet dialogue and events between Jamie and Kris we could see a very beautiful, wonderful relationship sprout in this story that I can easily see myself becoming invested into!

I'll give it a 7.5/10! Good story!

[ARNB19]

Wow, thanks for the in depth analysis. I'm not really planning to go back and change this story, probably go back to fix the grammar. I am thinking towards a conclusion of this story then I will likely continue these characters' stories in a second edition maybe with a different boy or other boys in a different season. Post high-school graduation in cottage country or a sisters trip after graduation or something along those lines. The coming out to the parents will be a big part of anything going forward but I haven't decided how to get there. I'm happy to see you made the observation of Kris vs Chris. Open to any suggestions for the future. Thanks again

[LittlePeanut16]

17 minutes ago, ARNB19 said:

Wow, thanks for the in depth analysis. I'm not really planning to go back and change this story, probably go back to fix the grammar. I am thinking towards a conclusion of this story then I will likely continue these characters' stories in a second edition maybe with a different boy or other boys in a different season. Post high-school graduation in cottage country or a sisters trip after graduation or something along those lines. The coming out to the parents will be a big part of anything going forward but I haven't decided how to get there. I'm happy to see you made the observation of Kris vs Chris. Open to any suggestions for the future. Thanks again

As Authors we’re called to write the story we ourselves would wish to read. Gotta give you respect for publishing your work and even asking for criticism, more so for skipping short stories and going straight for a chapter book. Hope all goes well and if you need someone to proofread, I’ll be more than happy to lend a hand!