Explaining “It”

[PoopyDiaperDude]

My wife and I were alone in the car for several hours yesterday. 
 

As I’ve shared before, I openly wear, have quite the diaper collection, and have a passively accepting wife.  But, there is zero participation from her when it comes to diapering, changing, or heaven forbid “diaper play”.  My messing habits are even more secretive.  I tease her that her mom must have been a brutal potty trainer, because peeing and pooping are purely biological functions for her, and if she gets a hand wet or messy, serious consideration is given to amputation.

With the world burning down around all of us today, my give-a-damn isn’t busted, it’s non-existent.  

Conversation came up about a friend’s situation where his wife found out he was cross dressing in secret, and was probably meeting other guys as well.  I said it was a damn shame this guy couldn’t share his kink his wife.  My wife said “oh, like your diapers..”. BOOM, that was it!!!!  I turned to her and said “look, somewhere in my formative years, SOMETHING happened in my brain, and diapers became part of my hard wired package.  I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want this.  It happened.  Think about it...I have a kink....better yet, a need to wear diapers, and use them.  Yes honey, you know I wet all the time, but the truth is I love messing them too.  I do it and change before you wake up, or when I’m alone somewhere like the lake house or the boat.  And it’s super important to me.  It’s something I love doing, and I can’t share it with you, because you’re equally wired that’s it’s gross”.  I continued “do you know how much this sucks for me?  You’re the one person that’s supposed to accept me and be my partner, yet this part of me I cannot share because my brain says be shy, and yours says it yucky.  I am super happy I can wear around you (when our grown kids aren’t there), and I wear to bed at night, but there could be so much more.  And I know it must be awful that you can’t imagine screwing me while I’m diapered, diapering me, or hanging out with me while I’m wearing a dirty diaper, and I’m sad because I can’t.”  I said quietly and with seriousness....”why would I pick this thing?  I didn’t, it is part of me”.

Awkward best describes the next few minutes, but dammit I wanted “it” out there.  All of it.  No secrets.  Yep, I love messing my diaper.  Yes, I love masturbating while sitting in a dirty diaper.  Those big skids marks?  Those were no accident sweetie, I love dirtying my underwear too.

I told her “Want to pack up and leave?  I hope you won’t, but understand if you do.  I just NEED this in the open between us.  I NEED to be able to wear and do my thing.  I won’t do it at dinner parties, or with friends over, or any inappropriate time.  In fact, I will most likely continue to do it during solitary times.  But if it’s just us at  home, and I’m cleaning the garage and load my diaper, don’t be mad or disgusted.  It’s just me being me.”

Trying to summarize the fallout from that candid conversation is difficult, but it’s now “out there”.  She knew I pooped myself, I alluded to it many times, but she had no idea the scope.  She also didn’t know how much all of this meant to me.  And, she said she was sad for me too, having my needs so unfulfilled.  At least we’ve recognized the elephant in the room.

Maybe this will go somewhere, maybe it won’t.  But something has to give.  We’ll never leave each other, but we have to find a happy place, and I will make sure we do.  Shame on me for taking so long to have this conversation.
 

 

 

 

 

[Three Rivers]

As someone who has been wearing for many years and married for 40 + years. Communication is the key to any good relationship,  I think your correct with getting it out there, but keep in mind that she also has wants and needs. I wish you and your wife the best as you go through this. ?

[oznl]

Firstly, kudos from me for tacking a messy problem (no pun intended) head on.  I did so similarly back in December 2018.  I won’t repeat the whole story, it’s all chronicled on the “Strange Days” thread.

Whether we are parallels in prescience or just similarly stupid, only time will tell.

A few have suggested that I was somehow brave to do what I did but in fact I was just backed into it, cornered by dwindling time one way, irrepressible need the other and a wife hell-bent on renovating this defect out of me as the compressing force.  Something was always going to break.  I’ve been diapered 24/7 for quite a while now.

Things are far from perfect but they are better.  For a start, we are still married.  Coming up to 33 years.

I don't know if I explained  it.  I don't know if I could.  It just IS.  I don't know WHY.

The enormously corrosive acid of hiding and deceit is (largely) gone now.  18 months later I will still have a panic response when I hear her come into the house unexpectedly and remember I’ve got nappies out drying on the line, or plastic pants laying around in our walk-in-robe but this is now immediately followed by the enormous relief of “oh, it doesn’t matter, she knows I wear diapers all the time anyway, there’s nothing I need to explain”.

And the other big thing is that I’m no longer obsessing about when I will next be able to get back into a diaper.  I’m always diapered.

  It doesn't matter.

So, in my case, there were enormous personal benefits in “clearing the air” in a similar way to what you have done.

On the other hand, I’ve also transferred some of my load to her.  She now has to deal with something she’d rather not.

There are still stresses from parts of this that I have not (yet) shared with her.  I think she suspects that there’s the odd dirty diaper that happens when she’s not around but I did early on commit to not doing this, at least in her (or anybody else’s) company.  To be honest, I would have done this anyway out of sheer practicality.  It’s too hard to manage dirty diapers with work, travel and home on a permanent basis without at some point becoming offensive to others.

She also doesn’t know that now, after only two hours of holding I’d be wetting myself whether I wanted to or not.   After this long 24/7, I can’t hold it like I used to.  Similarly, whilst she knows that I wake up beside her every morning in a wet diaper, she doesn’t know that around half those nights, I can’t remember wetting it.

[Sarah_Hillcrest]

Wife and I were talking yesterday about a person we knew who just traveled across country to Florida to go to the beach during this pandemic and how we both thought it was selfish.  She was saying even if we were willing to travel, where would you even use the bathroom, they're all closed.  I said, "Well I'd just go in my diapers," with a laugh.  "Well that's fine for you, but I'm not wearing diapers. Then we moved on completely to another topic without awkwardness.  In retrospect this is huge, I've never been able to utter the word diapers around my wife, let alone admit to wearing and using them.  And in the past even the hint of it would set her off.  

Don't get me wrong, she no fan, but she seems to have grown to accept it without anger.  The biggest difference was eventually just breaking down and trying my best to explain it, especially what it was like to have try to deal with this growing up.  Hiding it only made things worse for years and years.