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I just had to write something because the medical experts that are supposed to be helping me aren't helping and I feel like I am going to explode if I don't tell someone this.

I am a young woman of 27 years and I just feel lost, in life. I was sexually assaulted almost 9 years ago and still the thought of anyone touching me or even getting too close to my personal space makes me feel sick. I grew up in a traditional house (not religious though) My dad was in the army and was stationed in Ireland during the 70s and 80s. He came back with PTSD (although it wouldn't be officially diagnosed until i think 2010ish) Growing up he was extremely abusive. Mainly verbally, rarely physical although he could be sometimes. I remember pulling his hand off my mothers throat when i was 14. I used to pray he would go away on one of his random holidays with his friends or that my mother wouldn't go out with her friends as it always caused a fight when she came home. I was bullied all throughout school, I have dyslexia and dyspraxia. I didn't start talking until I was about 5. Then when I was around 12/13 I started being sick. All the time with everything I ate and drank, even water. People that it was bulimia and i tried my best to convince people that I wasn't forcing my self to throw up and eventually they listened, when i got too weak to get out of bed one morning my mum finally took my to the hospital. It was eventually found out that i had something called achalasia. They tried to treat it and i had several surgeries to try and stop it. Ill be honest at a couple of points I didn't think i was going to survive it, thought i was going to keep on getting weaker and weaker. But when I was 16 they finally succeeded in fixing it. Although I still need to be careful of what i eat.

I didn't have any friends at school so I left at 15, the earliest age I could. Wasn't sure what I wanted to do but it didn't seem to matter because my dad's health took a turn for the worse and although I still was in bad shape he needed a full time carer. My mum worked full time and didn't see the need to stop, my older brother and sister where already out of the house and had their own lives. And so that was my life for the next 7 years until I was 22. I didn't really ever get a break. When I was 18 my brother invited me and my sister to his new years eve party. So we went. And i met a guy who was an acquaintance of my brother and a friend of my sister in law. We hut it off, went on a few dates, he always seemed to like to touch me and I didn't know if it was weird or not so i just let him even though it made me very uncomfortable. After a couple of weeks he asked me to his place for dinner and i accepted. He took me to his flat, in a different part of the city i live in so i didn't know the area. He got touchy and wanted to go to the bedroom so i let him talk me into, then when we were trying I got scared and asked him to stop, he didn't and it took me screaming at the top of my lungs to get him off me. After he got up, we argued and he wouldn't let me leave. Trying to push past him he threw me around a little. He left me lying on the floor in the hallway and went into the kitchen. So I got up and ran out the door. I didn't know where i was, my mum and dad weren't in town that day, my sister didn't drive and my brother didn't either. I eventually got hold of my brother and he offered to pay a cab to get me home. I was just so shocked and I was sore. I just went into my room for the rest of the night. It took me months before i could stand being in the company of men i knew. I still can't look at my brother the same way. Every time I look at him I think of him as the person who introduced me to the man who ruined my life.

I don't know what to do anymore. Something needs to change because this isn't a life I am living. I try to speak to doctors and mental health nurses but I don't feel anyone is listening. I just feel like I'm sleeping walking and I can't wake up.

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That's all so sad. :(

I'm so sorry all that has happened to you. I just want to give you a big ol' hug! But uhh, that mighy not be the best idea given the circumstances...

Before I try to suggest anything, although I am severely unqualified, let me make sure I understand the main issue here: You're saying that your biggest problem is that you can't so much as be near a man without without basically having a panic attack?

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Hi J,

For the best help, this should be moved to the Depression folder.

Yes, many of us have it, and we survive with the support of each other. We have all been there in one form or another. While I'm male and not subject to the same depraved forms of violence you have lived through, I can still sympathize with you. You need to know that nothing you have ever done is remotely deserving of the treatment you have received. There is a world full of good people out there. You are completely worthy of love, respect and friendship in this world. Smile, for the world will get better for you.

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4 hours ago, Baby_Girl_J said:

I was unaware there was a depression folder.

One of the mods was kind enough to move this so that you could find a more kindred group.

When you talk to your doctors, mental health nurses and others, ask about medications; specifically anti-depressants. These can be very helpful for dealing with what you are going through. Finding the right one can take a while, so be patient. It is a trial and error thing- you will be ramped up to figure out what the right dosage is, and if you can tolerate the side effects of this particular medication. For most people, it will take around 6 months to get relief. In my case, it took 18 months for me to find ADs that worked right, and had side-effects I could live with.

Now my life is very normal and I feel comfortable with myself and everyone around me. I'm now outgoing, a public speaker, successful business man and devoted husband to my wife who insisted I get on these drugs. She was my support from the beginning. I don't suggest that you run out and get married right away. :) However, you need a close friend who sees you on a daily basis. This person is your "canary in a coalmine" and will be able to honestly answer "am I OK today?" and will tell you- often before you ask.

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Yeah i am on meds and have been for about 5 years but when ever i say anything to the doctor all she does is up the dose. She has me on anti depressants and anti anxiety.

Thanks for getting me moved to a more suitable place. :) 

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Okay so this may sound kinda absurd and unattainable, but just try to open your mind.

You need to find an ideal.

You need something that lifts you up and drives you to want to do great things. Something that makes you cone alive and fills you with hope. And if you're thinking "oh god, he's talking about religion" I'm not. Although that can be a great ideal if you can get past the traditionalist values and really get to the heart of religious belief.

But that's just one of many ideals. You could pick something humanitarian like feeding starving children in Africa (although a more local cause would be better) or it can be a personal goal like becoming a Doctor or an Engineer or even a Pro Wrestler!

But the most important thing is that it has to be something you decide. not something that just sounds good or profitable or that someone else decided for you. It has to be something close to your heart. And it will likely seem impossible to attain. That just means it's probably the right goal. ? Nothing worth doing is ever easy. And by extension the greatest things worth doing seem impossible. But by striving towards a goal you believe in, even if it never gets achieved in your lifetime, you will be empowered by that ideal and that power may just give you the strength you need to face the demons that haunt you and torment you. ♡

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  • 2 weeks later...

What you have gone through is terrible. I can't fully imagine what it would be like to live with something like that, and I hope I never will. But I do know from a lot of second hand experience: my girlfriend (for 6.5 years) has lived through somewhat similar ordeals, and has a lot of "experience" with loneliness, anxiety, PTSD, bad shrinks and pills.

I think you definitely need people to talk to. Both professionals and friends, though both are easier said than done.

Regarding shrinks: don't simply pick the first one available if you have a choice. My girlfriend went through several, and didn't feel a "click" with most of them, and didn't trust most of them. And it is so important to trust and like them, because of the intimate details you should be able to share with them, and because they will need to be able to understand you thoroughly. Eventually she found one she clicked with, and only then she was helped massively.

I don't think just upping the dose of some pills is wise. For some people it's good, but right now it sounds like it's being used as a replacement for good therapy, while it should - in most cases - be used complementary to therapy.

Friends aren't easy to come by either, for many of us (me included). From your story it sounds like the same holds for you. Some people can just go about anywhere and make friends, and we will simply feel inferior because nobody seems to like us. However, this is only appearance: those who make friends easily stand out, because the others are spending their time alone, secluded.

There are many people out there that will be honored to be your friend. I don't know you at all, and yet I can safely say that, because it holds for everybody. The problem is finding those people, because they're most likely hidden away in places you won't easily meet them. In my opinion the best way to find those people is the internet, because it's typically where introverts tend to "go out".

I would recommend going to a forum regarding a hobby or something you like or are passionate about and trying to meet people there. Not even to meet in real life, just to chat in private communications. Meet some nice people; build up some friendships; and perhaps, after months or years, meet some of those friends in real life.

Though I would also recommend - and I might get flamed for saying this - to not meet those people here. The reason being that this is, for many, a sexual subject; so contacts made here have an inherent sexual nature. That's not to say you can't get platonic contacts going here, but the one thing you will certainly have in common with the person you're talking to may be sexual for the other party; a non-sexual topic will certainly give you at least something platonic to talk about in order to break the ice.

My girlfriend has picked up a hobby over the last couple of years: watching gaming twitch streamers and being active in chat. Ever since, she has been a lot more active socially, and has a lot more friends, and even a second boyfriend (we're poly). I'm not saying twitch is the place for you; but pick a community you enjoy, and start some private contact.

I do agree, though: with time it gets better, as long as you keep trying. It's a long path ahead, but it's worth it.

Note that these are my thoughts based on second hand experience, and this may be different for everybody, so I may be completely off for your case. But I do think there are many thruths that hold for most.

 

If you do need someone to talk to, you can send me a PM. But I would also objectively suggest against that, because we don't easily have anything to talk about other than things related with this website, and we might have no other common interests. But if you really need a listening ear, I'm here, and many more like me; some of which will definitely have common interests with you.

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