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Could I have done something?


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Over a year ago, an online friend of mine committed suicide. He posted a suicide note to his page that started with "By the time you read this, I will already be gone..." Even now, after a year, I keep wondering and asking myself, "Could I have done something? Was there something I could have said or done that could have stopped this?"

Last night, another of my online friends posted a suicide note of their own, and it brought me back to that day. Me and other users banded together to contact the person's local police and try and stop them, but as of now we've yet to hear any news. Yet again I'm asking myself the same thing: "Was there something I could have done?"

I know they say time heals all wounds, but I can't get rid of this guilt that someone needed me and I couldn't help them... 

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There are few pains quite like the loss of a friend/family member to suicide. That abrupt end to life, no closure, no discernable source to blame, it naturally leaves you wondering "what if" far longer than, say, a death due to a freak accident like a car wreck. That question keeps nagging at your brain, opening the wound over and over before it can ever truly close.

Don't do that to yourself.

The decision to kill one's self is not arrived to lightly. There were likely hundreds or thousands of times he'd thought about it before actually doing the deed. And any one of those times he could've come to you or a different friend or a therapist to talk about it, but he didn't. In a sense, Suicide isn't a choice, but a series of thousands of choices made day after day, week after week, year after year. At any point in that thought process he could've sought help, but he didn't. That was HIS choice that he made again and again.

I'm not putting blame on your friend. Believe me, there is no shortage of reasons to take one's life in this cruel world. I'm saying it's a far more complex issue than one decision could possibly encompass. It's never as simple as "he was depressed" or "he was lonely." Ultimately the decision to commit suicide is a very personal and complex choice that he came to, and we'll never truly know why. Because it's not your job to know the inner workings of your friend's soul. And in fact, you can only ever know what he wants to reveal to you. He chose to keep his pain to himself until it festered and grew to suicide-inducing levels. That was His choice. One he made every day until he finally couldn't take it anymore and committed the ultimate tragedy.

TLDR, no there's nothing you could've done. Period. His life--and his death--was not your responsibility. And to let that thought torment you isn't doing justice to his memory. I can tell you are a good person and would've helped if he'd just reached out to you. You don't deserve this guilt. ♡

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To the OP:  I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.  I think the best thing to do at this point is to do what your friend would have wanted.  If he liked to party, perhaps  still celebrate his birthday each year.  If he had a special collection of some sort, make sure that it is kept somewhere safe. 

Many people who have dealt with suicidal thoughts, including myself, REALLY don't want to go through with it but rather feel like they have tried everything to the best of their knowledge and still cannot find happiness  I think helping others is the best thing to do going forward because my experience has taught me that having someone who can understand [insert biggest problem here] is more important than most people would know, unless they've been in that situation before.

If your friend was at the point you were describing, I don't think there was anything you could have done.  However I think there are things you can do to help others that are in a difficult situation

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On 9/25/2019 at 2:52 PM, ShadeOfAce said:

Over a year ago, an online friend of mine committed suicide. He posted a suicide note to his page that started with "By the time you read this, I will already be gone..." Even now, after a year, I keep wondering and asking myself, "Could I have done something? Was there something I could have said or done that could have stopped this?"

Last night, another of my online friends posted a suicide note of their own, and it brought me back to that day. Me and other users banded together to contact the person's local police and try and stop them, but as of now we've yet to hear any news. Yet again I'm asking myself the same thing: "Was there something I could have done?"

I know they say time heals all wounds, but I can't get rid of this guilt that someone needed me and I couldn't help them... 

Been suicidal most of  my life  and recently upgraded to severely   suicidal due to  some BS  going  on this past  3.5  years  let me say this   DONT blame yourself   DONT doght  yourself . If someone alredy decided  to take this   step  theres  nothing  anyone  really can do    besides the exact steps  you have takend   with  youre  other  friend. 

 

I understand   how you might  feel guilt  but again as i said   you have done everything  right and  there isent  more you could  have done  have done. IF on the other  hand  someone  comes  at you while still alive  with hints  or notes  that  said person is  ready to leave    / suddenly  withdrawn  /sad  /depressed   and so on  THEN if you are said persons  friend  and also know that you can and are willing to deal with this    contact  said person   or as you have done  contact  the  proper  authorities or  there  GF  /Wife  /parents   

 

What most sucidals  are in need of  is  someone that are willing to help and LISTEN   and try to understand  them.                   

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A counselor once told me that suicide is a selfish act, which I guess while cruel to say is true to an extent. That aside, if you were only communicating online, then no, I don't think that there's anything you could have done. The signs can be hard enough to pick up on, plus you have limited influence over that person's life offline. It's good to be patient and listen, but ultimately you won't get to make the final say in whether their depression gets the best of them.

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On 9/27/2019 at 3:41 AM, Baby Girl Sarah said:

What most sucidals  are in need of  is  someone that are willing to help and LISTEN   and try to understand  them.         

That is huge for many people.  Probably the hardest thing for non-suicial people to understand.  Thanks for mentioning that.

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12 hours ago, horrorfan said:

A counselor once told me that suicide is a selfish act, which I guess while cruel to say is true to an extent.

That aside, if you were only communicating online, then no,

I don't think that there's anything you could have done. The signs can be hard enough to pick up on, plus you have limited influence over that person's life offline. It's good to be patient and listen, but ultimately you won't get to make the final say in whether their depression gets the best of them.

Thats  only the so could  "pros  "  that try to  blame the individuals that actually take this step  and  in my personal opinion pure BS .

You'd  be surprised  how much you can do for  someone  highly sucidal    even online  ( i have  to my Knowledge  utliest saved  a hand full  of  SEVERLY   and  more or less ready to go  within  minutes  of me  managing to get back to them on line (diffent sites  thru Pms  ). As i said   Whether its  online  ,by phone,  in person  it all counts  more then you can possible imagine. 

I agree with   reg the  they have the  final say in Whether to take this  final step or not.         and i can also add that those that actually REALLY  want to take  suicde usely   does so in silence  (not even  any warning signs or anything  )   . (and sadly also as in  this  first  tragick  example with a Goodby letter   )  The majority of suicidals  are actually  screaming  there  lungs  out  desperately asking  for  help .   And yes  if they dont  recive there  help then its   dager  that they might go ahead   and do it .                           

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  • 2 weeks later...

A friend of mine and potential Business partner called me one evening asking me if I could help him move some display cases to a commercial Place he rented. I told him no problem. We had a normal Conversation as usual. I tried getting ahold of him the next day but to no avail. He did not show up for work which was unusual of him. a week later I get a phone call from his dad asking me what the conversation we had last was and if he was acting unusual. I told his father "No" and I asked him what happened. His father explained to me that he had Hung Himself and I was the last person to ever have an conversation with him on the phone. Just goes to show, you NEVER Know what is going on in peoples head.  

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