Confusion

[Possibly Insane]

I'm sorry if the following is a serious case of TL;DR, infodumping, and/or TMI, but I have nowhere else to turn at this point. 

In a nutshell: I don't understand my sexuality at all. 

I've been drifting in and out of a severe depression for the past decade. I'm approaching thirty now, and I'm no closer to understanding anything about myself than I was when I was first aware of sexuality. I've been taking an anti-depressant for most of 2019, but all that's really done is muted my ability to feel anything. I'm afraid that by continuing to take the damn pills, I am killing my ability to understand who I am. I don't feel anything strongly anymore: not love, not hate, not joy - nothing. But, when I've tried to take myself off of the pills, I've just wanted to end my life. 

I've always wondered whether or not I was gay. I remember being a teenager and feeling weird things about boys, but I always crushed those feelings. Diapers were always the overt object of interest, which sucked because I felt like shit about that, too. I had an OCD obsession with hell/god/all that religious shit, and, while I'm not in any way religious now, I have distinctive memories of wasting hours praying that I wasn't gay, that I wasn't ABDL, that I didn't have anything that made me "weird" or "different." The fact that I had - and still do have - an overtly DL sexuality, complicated my understanding of basic attraction. I know there were boys I found attractive, but there were traits in women I really liked and responded too. I tried like hell to date women only, but the relationships always ended because I didn't want them to discover my secret DL side, and, more over, I had a major fear I'd be disappointing in bed. 

Now, I'm in a relationship, going on three years, with a woman. We've had sex many times, but I really don't like it. I do it to make her happy and because I want her to feel attractive. The fact of the matter is, I was and am attracted to her as a person, but physically, I just don't have any interest. I've never told her anything about ABDL, and she has made it clear she is a very vanilla kind of person. I always have to imagine some kind of ABDL scenario when we're having sex - that's the only way I've been able to get anywhere. 

I just feel so guilty and miserable. I really hate the idea of hurting her. I hate the idea of letting her family down and letting my family down. I do love her and care deeply for her, but I don't honestly know if I am straight. It's all so mixed up with emotions and a lack of self understanding. All this confusion and unhappiness and guilt is doing a number on my head. I don't want to go out or be social. I'm working as many hours I can, coming home, and drinking alcohol. I have a therapist, but I can only go so far explaining with the sexual stuff - I've repressed so much it's like my body won't let me articulate what's going on in my head. It's just too fucking painful. 

Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to be emotionally hurt because I'm trying to get this shit in order. I'm just in pain. 

[Wannatripbaby]

@Possibly Insane *Hugs* You don't have to feel ashamed to share your problems here. That's literally what this section is for.

Sexuality is an EXTREMELY difficult subject for a lot of people. So you aren't alone in that. It goes WAAAAAY deeper than "do i like girls or boys?" Take me for instance. I've only recently discovered (thanks to my friends here in the community) that I'm what some might call Demisexual. Which basically means I place a higher priority on Emotional Intimacy than Physical Intimacy. And I struggled with it for years because I thought there was something wrong with me because I could look at a beautiful naked/scantily-clad woman and not really feel anything. But the idea of a simple intimate gesture like, say, brushing a girl's hair could provoke a *ahem* reaction from me.

The first step to untangling your mess of mental baggage is to separate each issue into its own individual topic. Your fetishes and your sexual identity are 2 different things that must be dealt with separately if you want any hope of unifying them with who you are and who you want to be.

And if that sounds impossible,  it's because it is... if you do it alone. You need someone to help you unpack all your pain and confusion. And guess what? I'm willing to be that someone. I'm not a qualified Therapist, but I've been helping people like you on this very site for about 2 years now. I could probably write a doctoral thesis on Identity and Acceptance of one's self.

Can I guarantee results? No. Of course not. But I can promise I will do my very best to help you. But you've gotta take the first step and reach out. If you want my help, all you need to do is ask. ♡

[horrorfan]

I psychoanalyze myself a lot, personally, but you might consider seeing a sexologist instead of a therapist if you wish to go the therapy-related route. In my research of AB/DL, it seemed as though puberty was the stage in which sexuality gets set in stone, but I've also learned that people develop a taste for AB/DL later in life, so I guess I can't say I have any good answers myself. I have done research and I've come to a few of my own conclusions, but I don't have a background in psychology to speak of beyond that.