Help With Urgency and Going in Diapers

[I'm Not Here, shhh]

Hey there folks. Long time lurker, I'm talking since 2011 here, but I dislike making accounts on websites from forums to social media.

Today I decided to take the plunge and make a post, a plea for help if you will. This will be TMI, so be warned.

 

I've been into this whole deal. As long as I can remember. Earliest memory? Three years old, perched on all fours over a beanbag pretending the bag behind me was my pants full of poop. Finally tried diapers a few years ago after years of only one successful pants pooping, because the thing is this. I don't know if it's a mental or physical block or what, but I can't poop my pants or diaper. Not even sitting on the toilet, not even letting it start to come out then pulling my underwear up, not even if I push until it hurts.

 

I can go with marshmallows and/or bananas, sure, but I experience no urgency even after 1+ hours. I think I felt urgency once, ironically at a terrible time. Had just put them in and realized I had no diapers left. I knew I have a ring of steel, so I went out to buy some knowing I likely wouldn't even feel an urge like every other time I'd done it. And I was right, until I was 5 minutes from home. Felt an urge, strong urge, so I walked home really quickly, whacked diaper on, relaxed.

Nothing. I had to push. Like, as I got in the door I was close to exploding and it was glorious because this had never happened before, the closest I had been to this state before was age 5 when I had a soft poop and feared I'd get diarrhoea which I hated so I held it for 5 days and struggled a bit on day 4, then my parents forced me to go on day 5. But yeah - as soon as I got in safely, got diapered (well, goodnited) up, I had to push to go. And even then, pee came out first.

 

Few years later (2015) I tried Milk of Magnesia. I drank the whole bottle. I felt nothing. Then, I sharted. Tiny little thing. Put diaper on, no urgency even for several hours after. I couldn't feel a thing. Then I pushed, and wham. Ton of it. I did that a few times, and I always, always ALWAYS had to push. And even when I did start to feel it, long rumbles and growls and feeling heat travelling down and wanting out, I never had an accident. No explosion. I could feel it right there, POISED to come out, it never did. The urgent wave passed, and that was that.

 

Got back into this recently. I bought my first tape on diapers, I'm old and late to the party and have been sufficing with goodnites and these things from the ladies' menstruation section (only buying when the aisle is empty, didn't want to be seen staring at pads and stuff) and I decided to use a different method for each one, as I can never go naturally.

Diaper #1, Milk of Magnesia. Whole bottle. Lot of water. No urgency, just a slight need. Pushed to get it started. Had minor cramping, but no strong urges. Always had to push. I needed to go when I drank the stuff and I pushed and pushed but the solid part (which was very soft, too) never came out. Not until I gave up and went on the toilet. 

(Sidenote: first time I ever used MoM, the solid stuff came out with difficulty. It also came out recently with an enema, with a whole load of pushing and straining. When I go normally I never have to push or strain, I don't get constipated, it's never runny, I have NO ISSUES EVER.)

 

Diaper #2, Last results of the previous night's MoM. I got excited, I had to. I did have plans for 5 different methods but ... yeah, no. I gave in. Anyway, required pushing even though urge was present and it was liquid.

 

Diaper #3: Enema. Now, I've done them before. Never got so much of an urge, always pushed it out after 5-10 minutes. I'm impatient. This time, I decided to hold this close to 4L water and oil enema until the urge was so strong it exploded beyond my control. So I did. 15 minutes in, I thought I was there. I felt it, I felt liquid close to the exit, I held on, I waited ...

It went away. An hour in, I got bored. Pushed. Teaspoon volume of water came out. Push again. Nothing. Kept pushing for several hours, and all I can feel is something solid - I hadn't needed to go before doing the enema, and lo and behold, I'd held it long enough that I DID need to go, it was solid, there was no more water than the teaspoon, and even this urge was barely an urge that didn't become prominent and normal level urge until THE NEXT DAY!

 

Diaper #4, Prunes. I had never had prunes before. I don't do a lot of fibre, just average. I ate a ton of them. Drank a ton of water. Hours later, not even a normal urge or anything solid to need to come. So I shoved some marshmallows in, held 20 minutes, got bored and pushed them out because I'd given up by this point.

 

Diaper #5, I bought some suppositories. I bought them online, waiting on them to arrive in a few weeks. I can't do it in person, everyone around here knows me and I have issues talking about this thing. I'm several dissociating right now enabling me to do it anonymously online. I'll insert two (200mg) with 20 minutes in between if it permits. But I know I will ultimately fail, and be able to hold it too long.

 

Any advice on making myself LESS able to hold stuff? I don't mean self mutilation, I just mean increasing the urge. Like if I need to go (naturally) and hold it a few days, any way to make it feel urgent and not just present? I've gone 4-5 days holding in my adult life, no issues, no urgency, still can't go in pants/diaper. 

Note: don't recommend laxatives or oils or other things I haven't mentioned trying. First of all I can't get them in this small town, second of all I'm poor and barely scraping buy. Seriously, I saved up months to be able to afford $20 of diapers on eBay. MONTHS. Two weeks for a bottle of Milk of Magnesia. I have the WORST enema kit ever, it arrived damaged, but it was $2 on Wish. I'm THAT poor. So I can't listen to any recommendations of different laxatives. 

 

More info for you: I work out casually a few times a week and walk a minimum 5km daily. No foods cause reactions in me, from spicy things to fibre loaded things to dairy. Coffee also does nothing, I drink strength 10 stuff every day and it has no influence. I feel like an immovable anomaly with a sphincter made of steel and insides of the same.

 

Help. I want to have an accident or as close to it as possible. That always has been my only enjoyment factor of this whole stupid fetish I spent so long wishing I didn't have in the first place.

 

One last thing, weird thing of note: used to be able to pee my pants/diaper as a kid or adult with no problems. Now it takes either deep, long concentration or pushing. Haven't suffered any illness or injury or traumatic event to change anything. It's weird.

[nonny]

Love your three-year-old memory.  ?

I’m no expert but it sounds psychological rather than physical. What works for me (on the rare and special occasions when I do it) is also what feels the best. So here it Is, in the hope it gives someone some enjoyment.

I wait until I have a normal, genuine need to go (and time to enjoy it). Nothing artificial involved at all. I push just a little, until it’s almost ready to happen. I might need to gently do that more than once to get to just the right point. 

And then I become, in my mind, a little boy who can’t help it. I don’t push, and I don’t do anything to stop it happening. I just feel all the sensations, curiously and without judgement, as it comes out in my diaper or my pants all on its own, like it did when I was a toddler. 

It feels fantastic happening in slow-motion, especially as it meets the resistance of the seat of my pants and nestles between my butt cheeks... or passes the point where it can, and spreads pleasurably across my bottom. I can’t imagine not liking this as a baby. It’s so comforting and rice.

[SiliconeSpandex]

You could also try anal dilation to get your sphincter to relax.