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An Interesting Childhood Anecdote


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A post from me that isn't a story :o  :lol:

I'm very close with my mum. I always have been, she enjoys playing video games with me and watching television shows and wrestling with me. Even after I moved out we speak almost daily through Discord and I stream games I play and stuff.

Anyway, she brought up a time in my past that I only half-remembered but shocked me quite a bit.

I'm an only child (one of the reasons me and mum are so close) but I know at one point when I was a young child my parents wanted me to have a brother or sister. Apparently they weren't successful because eventually they went to the hospital for checks and for one reason or another my mum was told she would be unable to have children. I was probably 8-10 or maybe a bit younger when all this was going on and wasn't really aware of everything that was going on.

One night I assume very soon after the bad news my dad was at work on night shifts and me and mum was watching television. I don't know if it was spurred on by something on TV or not but she started crying. I went over to the couch and hugged her the way she would if I was upset. I remember all this but I don't remember what was said, my mum apparently did and she told me over Discord.

My mum said something along the lines of "I'm sorry I can't give you a brother or sister. I'm sorry I can't have a baby."

I apparently replied "Don't worry, mum. I'll always be your baby."

I thought it was interesting bearing in mind my ABDL side. She is aware I'm ABDL by the way and she said she blamed herself for it citing that conversation. I said I think the idea was already formed before that since I had already been stealing nappies from my baby cousins to wear in secret!

Just thought it was interesting...

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Interesting, but your comment about your die being cast much earlier than that moment resonated strongly with my own experience.  I can remember ABDL interests as far back as 4 years of age and I suspect, they go back even beyond that.  It’s just that I can’t remember that far.

I read Dylan Lewis’s book “The Adult Baby Identity” a couple of months ago.  I’m not 100% in alignment with some of the things that book asserts but there were some interesting thought bubbles.  Lewis asserts that the germ of ABDL behaviours lies in bonding and trust issues between a child and its mother in infancy.  I don’t think these trust issues automatically relate to abuse or neglect by the way but more of a misunderstanding of signals.

In retrospect, I think my mother had maturity, anxiety, and possibly even depression issues as a new stay-at-home mother, car-free and trapped alone in the house all day in the outer suburbs with a series of brand new, screaming poop pumps.  It would not have helped that her relationship with her own mother (my maternal grandmother who was cold, remote and someone we feared) was quite unsupportive and dysfunctional.  It would have been unsurprising that I was never entirely comfortable with the scene and I’m not sure I ever 100% trusted her.

And here we all are…

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On 6/1/2019 at 7:53 AM, oznl said:

Interesting, but your comment about your die being cast much earlier than that moment resonated strongly with my own experience.  I can remember ABDL interests as far back as 4 years of age and I suspect, they go back even beyond that.  It’s just that I can’t remember that far.

I read Dylan Lewis’s book “The Adult Baby Identity” a couple of months ago.  I’m not 100% in alignment with some of the things that book asserts but there were some interesting thought bubbles.  Lewis asserts that the germ of ABDL behaviours lies in bonding and trust issues between a child and its mother in infancy.  I don’t think these trust issues automatically relate to abuse or neglect by the way but more of a misunderstanding of signals.

In retrospect, I think my mother had maturity, anxiety, and possibly even depression issues as a new stay-at-home mother, car-free and trapped alone in the house all day in the outer suburbs with a series of brand new, screaming poop pumps.  It would not have helped that her relationship with her own mother (my maternal grandmother who was cold, remote and someone we feared) was quite unsupportive and dysfunctional.  It would have been unsurprising that I was never entirely comfortable with the scene and I’m not sure I ever 100% trusted her.

And here we all are…

Interesting... I'd never really wondered what could've started me down the ABDL road, but something about this rings true. Growing up my sister and I were raised primarily by my mother, my dad worked 12+hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week to keep a roof over our heads. My sister was clearly my mum's favourite child, getting most of her attention, being bought stuff she wanted all the time whilst I was either yelled at or ignored for the most part. I'd say that would've caused some bonding and trust issues.

As an aside, I can remember being yelled at a lot for doing anything that could be considered "girly". It would seem my parents had a pathological fear of me being gay (I've found this out from conversations with distant relatives). The whole situation was made worse by the fact I love strawberry/raspberry flavoured things, which are mostly pink... So there I am seeking out my favourite strawberry flavoured items and all my parents chose to see was me having some sort of obsession with pink girly things, so therefore I must've been a horrible little gayboy deserving of a sound telling off. Got to love the 90s and all its intolerance.

Never mind eh. Its not like that sort of shit leaves lasting scars of a person's psyche...

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2 hours ago, Frogboy said:

My sister was clearly my mum's favourite child, getting most of her attention, being bought stuff she wanted all the time whilst I was either yelled at or ignored for the most part. I'd say that would've caused some bonding and trust issues

This was a thing.  My mother had a publicised kind of "stack rank" for her children and we all knew our place in the preferred-child pecking order.   It sounds worse when you write it down than it really was.  I truly think my mother had demons she was wrestling.  The thing though, I was the first-born so you'd think I might have missed that although in a family of four, I ranked second last.

2 hours ago, Frogboy said:

Never mind eh. Its not like that sort of shit leaves lasting scars of a person's psyche... 

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

Yep.  It's not their fault, it's not your fault, it's not my fault.  It just is... My philosophy is to deal with it and move on.

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1 hour ago, oznl said:

This was a thing.  My mother had a publicised kind of "stack rank" for her children and we all knew our place in the preferred-child pecking order.   It sounds worse when you write it down than it really was.  I truly think my mother had demons she was wrestling.  The thing though, I was the first-born so you'd think I might have missed that although in a family of four, I ranked second last.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

Yep.  It's not their fault, it's not your fault, it's not my fault.  It just is... My philosophy is to deal with it and move on.

Good advice. I can't say it's ever something I lose sleep over. The irony being that since leaving home at 18 (I moved out on my own as a soon as I could) I've always forged my own little path in the world. I have two university degrees, wife, children, a decent job and I go on several holidays a year. Barely a penny in debt (everything added together is less than a couple of hundred pounds) and I've always gotten myself out of any situations I find myself in. Conversely, my sister stayed with my parents until she was in her late 20s, has moved back twice since then, regularly needs bailing out financially, has 1000s of pounds of debt across credit cards, loans, overdrafts, car finance etc. Christ, when she moved out the first time, she'd go back on weekends with a bag full of dirty laundry and leave with a load of groceries my mum bought her. She would often run back to my mum for help with some trouble or another that she'd got herself in... And yet she remained the favourite? I always say to my wife that my mum backed the wrong horse, hence never feeling bad about barely going to see her.

Maybe if I had been treated as the favourite, or perhaps even just as an equal, I wouldn't be ABDL... but then maybe I wouldn't be the proud self sufficient person I am now either. Who knows...

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18 hours ago, Frogboy said:

 my sister stayed with my parents until she was in her late 20s, has moved back twice since then, regularly needs bailing out financially, has 1000s of pounds of debt across credit cards, loans, overdrafts, car finance etc. Christ, when she moved out the first time, she'd go back on weekends with a bag full of dirty laundry and leave with a load of groceries my mum bought her. She would often run back to my mum for help with some trouble or another that she'd got herself in...

LOL...  I've got one of those!  And it's ME is the one who'd be called an adult baby!!

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When I was around 4-5 and my brother 2-3 my Mom desperately wanted to have another child.  My father didn't.  This boiled over into huge arguments.  I don't remember specifics, but my mother was a perfect stay at home Mom, we were showered with attention, but I think children can easily feel things that parents try to hide, and my Mom is terrible at hiding anything.  She would talk about wishing she could try for a girl.

Thing is I don't remember any of that being on my mind when I started feeling ABDL feelings.  I'm almost certain when I was seven I searched through the spare bedroom and found some diaper pins.  I remember looking at the cute little ducks on the pins and suddenly wishing I could be a baby and wear diapers.  Maybe subconsciously I wanted to make my mother happy, but it felt like I was doing it for myself.

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