short story Looking for some feedback.

[ITDP194]

Hey everyone,

I'm a hobby writer and would love to get some feedback regarding my current story (incomplete).

I'm aware that there will be an excess of spelling mistakes and errors as I often write on my phone and transfer it into my working document as I go.

Cheers

LOVE PLUSH.pdf

[WBDaddy]

As far as the mechanics, I didn't pick up on a lot of problems other than sentence fragments.

I do notice you use passive tense ("had done" instead of "did", "something was done by someone" instead of "someone did something") quite a bit.  You might consider rephrasing some things to create more of an assertive, action tone.

The story itself (I'm on page 136 at this point) is interesting.  I'm not sure how far you're intending to go, but that was a hell of a long setup. (No spoilers given or accepted!) 

[Apache Raccoon]

I've only read up to chapter 8 so far, but I'm really enjoying it.

One thing though, I think it could be argued that a skirt that rests at the top of someones heels is a long skirt not a short one.

[ITDP194]

22 minutes ago, Apache Raccoon said:

I've only read up to chapter 8 so far, but I'm really enjoying it.

One thing though, I think it could be argued that a skirt that rests at the top of someones heels is a long skirt not a short one.

Regarding the skirt, when kneeling the hem would fall to the heels. Probably didn't specify her position (sitting/kneeling) clear enough. Thanks for pointing it out

7 hours ago, WBDaddy said:

As far as the mechanics, I didn't pick up on a lot of problems other than sentence fragments.

I do notice you use passive tense ("had done" instead of "did", "something was done by someone" instead of "someone did something") quite a bit.  You might consider rephrasing some things to create more of an assertive, action tone.

The story itself (I'm on page 136 at this point) is interesting.  I'm not sure how far you're intending to go, but that was a hell of a long setup. (No spoilers given or accepted!) 

Thanks for your input.

With my often inconsistent use of tense its definitly something that I'm trying to work on so a big thanks for the detailed tips.

And with the story sitting at around 187pg I'm estimating that I have another 30-40pg planned this far. Probably pushing it past the realm of a short story but at this point that is where it stands.

[WBDaddy]

4 hours ago, ITDP194 said:

And with the story sitting at around 187pg I'm estimating that I have another 30-40pg planned this far. Probably pushing it past the realm of a short story but at this point that is where it stands.

Whatever the endgame is, by all means, take as long as you need to take.  I'm a bit concerned (now that I'm at the endpoint of what you posted) about realism in terms of how the characters are interacting, but with that intense a situation, I feel like you still have some wiggle room.  (Again, doing my best to artfully avoid spoilers...) I'm still not entirely sold on the idea that this person would still do little space considering how they came to discover little space in the first place, but I think you can still probably convince me as you move further through the plot.

Bottom line, though, I would post this in serial form on the main story forum (and on abdlstoryforum.info - it's definitely good enough to survive that tough crowd) without hesitation.  Sentence fragments aside, you're weaving a compelling tale here.  

[Apache Raccoon]

@ITDP194 Hi how are you?

Have you finished writing the story yet? can't wait to find out what happens next