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My short history and where it has led me


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This topic seemed bit too long and wrong for the introductions section, so I chose to post this here instead. I'm sorry if this is the wrong place. I've been a moderator on a forum about the same size, so I know the frustration of moving ignorant users' topics around. Enough apologies. To the topic!

I don't know how many of you can tell a specific reason or incident that led you to have this bizarre fetish. For me it's very clear. It all happened back in 2003. I was three. Yes, the state of affairs here is that there's now at least one member who was born in 2000, although I doubt I was first. Anyway, I'm derailing. My family and I were leaving to visit a wildlife park that was several hours of driving away. To this day I don't know why, but I refused to use the toilet before we left, to the point my parents threatened to put me in diapers, and I found out they weren't bluffing. I had gotten out of diapers earlier the same year, so it was so devastating to find myself back in them, devastating enough to scream the whole drive to the wildlife park, or so I've been told. I honestly doubt I have any real memory of it. I've been told and teased about it so many times over the years that I really cannot know.

I've been into diapers as long as I remember. I clearly wasn't back in 2003, as I highly doubt 3 year old could fake not wanting to be put into diapers, but when I was maybe 4 or 5, I vividly remember asking my mother at a breakfast table that would I fit into diapers. She laughed it off and said I wouldn't. I never brought it up after that. It's clear that the trip back in 2003 was faithful and left permanent mark to my mind that I later as a teen understood is a fetish. Puberty has been the most difficult part I've had in my life so far. I had low self-esteem. I hated myself, especially due to being some freak who finds satisfaction and comfort from something meant for small children or incontinent people. While putting together pieces of my self-esteem, I slowly learned to accept who I am, and now it has got me to the point I'm writing stories on the internet.

Although I'm at a better place in life now, there are still things about liking diapers that make feel uncertain, distressed and sad. There's no one in my life who really knows who I am. Well, there's an online friend I met in one community who I was brave enough to tell after our discussions somehow ended up in a discovery that we have mutual interest in BDSM. When I told him my "darkest" secret he simply said that I was blowing the thing out of proportions, and that he was expecting something way odder. The problem is that he's an online friend, not a close, real life person, and I feel that I need to tell someone who's really part of my life.

Back when I had my ups and downs during puberty, my parents reassured me I could tell them anything. They said they might be shocked at first, but would love me regardless. They meant something such as being homosexual. I can believe that from my mother, but my father doesn't always come across as the most tolerant, making jokes about homosexuality and showing disgust towards it. He does say that for each their own and doesn't mind things like that as long as they're not shoved down his throat. It still makes me feel uncomfortable to think about opening up about diaper fetish to him, which at the same time closes the option of opening up about it to my mother. It would be unfair to make her keep a secret like that. I've also been thinking about using guilt to make them accept my fetish. They had a part in what happened back in 2003 after all. I do blame them on who I became to an extent.

Then there's my big sister. She's the one I've perhaps considered the most. She has already moved out and lives in a nearby city. Given that there's just a few year difference in our ages, she's way more open-minded and modern. The topics I can imagine myself discussing with her are a lot closer to "Hey by the way, I like diapers" than those with my parents. During my early teen years I probably opened my heart to her more than them.

Right now I really do not have the courage to tell anyone, even if I want to. At the same time I've been taking more and more risks what comes to someone finding out. After I got my driver's license I went to a store next city to buy some bedwetters' pull-ups. I hadn't been able to do that before, because the town I live in is small and the risk of running into someone I know at the stores is practically 100 percent. After I got them, I started using them at home mainly when I was alone or in bed. Then I started using them at times throughout the day at home when I wasn't alone. One time I went as far as wearing one to school. I guess I've just been pushing it, hoping to get caught, so I would have no option but to reveal my fetish.

Simply burying the whole thing has crossed my mind at times. There have been phases I've done nothing related to the fetish, although those have been a lot less common the past few years. I just find it difficult to think I would ever find a woman who would accept my fetish and not feel uncomfortable about it. Some halfhearted "I don't mind" reaction is perhaps what I fear the most. It would make me feel bad and eventually come back to bite the relationship. Speaking with experience from next to non relationships, so correct me should I be wrong.

To summarize, refusing to use the toilet when you're three can lead to mental misery at the age of nineteen. I guess I wrote this hoping it would make me feel better, but I don't feel any different. My thoughts are probably much the same as some of yours and something that has been written about over and over again, but I hope this was worth a read.

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I remember being your age and having very confusing thoughts about me and diapers.. I was a long time bedwetter and was often put in diapers as a punishment for my accidents. I HATED HATED HATED diapers but i couldn't find a way to stay out of them. When our old friend puberty came along I developed a fetish for diapers.  classic case of  how a fetish develops. I would buy them, wear them and then hate myself for months. So started the wonderful years of the binge and purge. I hated those years the most. You have to remember the internet wasn't a thing when I was your age, so like many older members here. I felt like I was the only one with this stupid fetish.  I learned later in life there are literally hundreds of thousands of people much like myself. I recently went to capcon ( first time going) and there was over a 1000 people in attendance.  I am 52 and sort of consider myself to be one of the elder statesmen of the abdl community. I have probably encountered some form of what you are going through, at some point in my ab life. The last 10 plus years have been so much better than the years you are currently going through right now. I know it seems nearly impossible, but you are going to find a your peace with yourself and the whole diaper thing. trust me when I say.. you can't make this go away. Once you are one of us, it's a life long commitment. So work on finding your peace with it. I promise it gets better. Balance is a huge . make sure you don't overdo it with your fetish. remember there is soooooooooooooooooooooo much more in life besides the diapers. Don't worry so much about telling everyone your biggest secret. Its ok to have something that is just kept to yourself. Thing about it.. you probably wouldn't want to know your your parents have some sort of a dom/sub relationship going on. I am sure they don't want to know about your sex life. The only person that needs to know about your love of diapers is your future mate in life. Be open and honest with them. Don't try to hide it. It's not fair to them to learn of your "problem" one day when they come home early from work and find you dressed like a toddler, with a load in your pants. It is much easier to explain it to someone before they have to see it.  I have been married for 30 years this Oct. ( extremely happily)  I have a great wife who is also my mommy. It took a long time for her to understand my needs and desires and over time she has grown to fully support who I am. 

Feel free to reach out to me or any number of wonderful people here at Daily Diapers. This website has offered me a great deal of support and friendship over the years. 

:baby-waving-bye-bye-smiley-emoticon:

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My gentle advice: everything you do follows you. Right now at your age, you have a natural need for acceptance from others as you continue to create your community. Sorry if that's condescending, but your desire to let others know if developmentally normal, and I can only imagine how that desire is exacerbated by being in a very small town. So my advice is very simple in words but difficult in practice.

  1. You may have an exhibitionist fetish when it comes to your diaper fetish. Think hard about whether that's part of your desire to tell others. If so, maybe your desire to tell others isn't a need but a want.
  2. Don't tell others. Your family and friends are your community already. Nothing positive can come out of them knowing because, really, what is there to be gained? You won't wear openly around them after (would you waltz around the house in your underwear), but there are a lot of potential downsides.
  3. Don't try to get caught. Everything you do follows you, as I said. Someone snaps a picture, and you will never, ever get it back. When a significant other or employer looks you up, that's what they'll find.
  4. Be patient. I'm 30, and being 19 seems a lot closer now than being 30 did when I was 19. Everything seems so far away time wise when you're young. I realized I wasn't a kid anymore when things that happened a decade ago started to feel recent. You probably feel like everything in your life right now possesses some degree of permanence, and things that are only a few months away seem distant. If you want, leave your town when you're ready. Go somewhere with a kink scene. Join that community. It's not that far away, and being out in that community actually will be satisfying, because I promise you telling your parents or sister or friends of letting others find out on their own will be a massive letdown AT BEST! It could be worse than a letdown.
  5. Lean on us. We are your community. When you need help, need someone to talk to, people here will lend an ear.

DM me if you'd like.

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Its not easy having a fetish like this and when you are an ABDL, its easy to have many moments in your teen years where you say "what's wrong with me?!" You say that you are experiencing "mental misery" but try to remember, having a strange sexual fetish doesn't make you a bad person. You're not defective. You're not mentally ill. There is nothing wrong with you. This is NOT something that needs to make you miserable for the rest of your life. Some people will accept you for having this fetish. Some people will not. However, YOU need to be able to accept YOURSELF. And no one can do that for you.

I'm 29 now but at age 19, I did not accept myself. I lived with anxiety about how others might react if they ever found out and I thought there was something wrong with me. Today, I accept that this is just one aspect of what makes me who I am. I have told a small number of close friends and they have accepted it. I even told one girlfriend who accepted me. (We later broke up for totally unrelated reasons) My ex-girlfriend was into BDSM so maybe she was more open minded than many vanilla people but still - she accepted me! And thats a big deal. There are multiple people on DD that have girlfriends or spouses that accept their fetish and even participate in it! Having this fetish doesn't mean you can't ever have a girlfriend or a wife! Will this fetish complicate romantic relationships? Yes, it might. Will every woman on earth accept you for who you are and participate in your fetish? No. But some women will and dating is all about meeting people and seeing how kind/accepting they are of you as person. There are many people out there who will accept you for you. 

On a side note, why do you want to tell your parents? What do you think telling them will achieve? Do you talk to your parents about your sex life? Do you talk to your parents about other things that sexually arouse you? If you had a girlfriend right now and were having sex with her - would you tell your parents all the explicit details of your sex life? If not, then why do you have such a strong desire to tell your parents about this particular thing that turns you on? 

 

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Sorry if this comes off as preachy but at least you have the internet.  Back when I was struggling with this fetish I thought I was the only one in the world who wanted to wear diapers.  I can still recall the first time I discovered other people shared similar interests.  That was life changing let me tell you...

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I've been in your shoes as well, and not too long ago (I'm about 11yrs your senior).  Sure, the internet was around and I could use it, but that didn't stop me from being paranoid that someone was looking at my history, reading over my shoulder, would find out, etc.  I had no idea how to explain it.  It was wrong, it was weird, etc, etc.

Many/most of my friends are digital, and I know most of them better than I will know people that live by me in life.  Hell, my partner and I met as friends when you were born on the internet (before match and plenty of fish and junk) and we're now living together as partners, likely progression to husband and wife in the future.  It's awesome that our generation can foster such distinct relationships from a younger age, and doubly awesome when previous generations are on board.

My few people that I have told in my life are a grand total of 4.  One I told because he's well, my partner.  He accidentally found my stash, we had a good conversation, and I don't hide them anymore.
One I told because he has a Big/little fetish in the bedroom.  At the time he was my play partner, so I felt no shame in being open with him.  We sometimes incorporate pacifiers in our lifestyle, and I own a onesie that says I ❤️ Daddy just for him.
One I told because I was in a stressful time in life and he noticed the difference in clothes.  He took sexual education and has a lot of psych history, and on top of that he's a pot-smoking nudist.  I knew he was going to understand, and he was extremely happy to pick my brain on the subject:  He had never met a little!
The last I told is my very best friend in the world, whom I used to be partners with in the past.  He confided his own D/s and Furry fetishes with me long ago, and I knew he would be accepting.  Though...he definitely doesn't understand it.

If you'd ever like to talk about the ups and downs, I too have been through many a binge/purge, a lot of experimentation (Moving out helps a TON, you have space/time to yourself without worrying about family intrusions), and have sort of found my own strange little niche in the fetish.  And at the same time, I have just as much I haven't figured out yet and I'm still experimenting with.

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Thank you for all the answers.

Firstly, you're right. It doesn't really make sense telling anyone else than perhaps a partner sometime in the future about the fetish. I wouldn't achieve anything by doing it, the opposite more likely. I'll be more careful to keep it to myself.

Secondly, it's not long from when I joined, but I think I could get accustomed to the idea that I can express myself here and feel less alone with who I am. From your answers I can see what you mean by this being a supportive community to lean on.

I'll stick around and promise to try my best not to do anything stupid I'll regret. Thank you for talking sense into me! I really appreciate it.

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